In Her Eyes

"No, not today David. You are not ready."

So once again I was in Dr. Skinner's office talking about reconciliation and forgiveness.

"Jesus Christ, Susan! Give me something to work with! Why did you do it? WHY? For the love of God, give me a reason."

I was on the verge of breaking down. It was almost too much.

"It was too perfect, David. I couldn't keep going."

"What?!"

"I couldn't keep up with the standard. I am human. I have failings. I am a woman. I have temptations."

Dr. Skinner was silent. She was going to let this play out. It was clear to me this was well covered territory between the two of them. This was going to give me closure, and not the kind I wanted.

"Well, knowing what I know now. Knowing what it would cost I would never have done it. But at the time, I wasn't thinking that way. I was caught up in the excitement of what I thought it would be. Not the pathetic reality, but the results can't mitigate my intent."

"I'll never truly understand why or how you did it. Hell, I would have had sex with half of the women who hit on you. And I don't play on that team. But you never did, did you? And because I was with you, men hit on me. What kind of woman must I be to keep a man like you? I had to be freakishly good in bed right? Some type of special..."

"You are special.." I could hardly speak through my tears.

"...kind of slut. At first it was cute, then it was draining...and then. Well, who knows? I just gave in."

"My friends all thought you were too good to be true. From the very first time they met you. It just got worse over the years. 'My piece of shit husband got a little on the side and he's not half the man David is.' 'He's rich Susan, he's just extremely discrete. No man can stand up to that amount of pussy being thrown at him and not give in.'"

"I did it for you."

"Oh, I know that. I knew the moment that you confronted me. You can't fake being that devastated. I knew at that moment you really had NEVER cheated on me, never lied to me. You were angry. Very angry, and that type of pain only comes from true betrayal. Dr. Skinner has shown me that."

"I don't know what to say..."

"You don't have to say anything, honey. I cheated on you. I chose to do it. I wasn't pleased...I am not happy with the results, but it was my decision."

Dr. Skinner spoke up for the first time. "We have to own our decisions and the consequences of our actions."

The walls were closing in. It was getting hard to breath.

"You are not to blame, David. Not directly. It was my failing, my obsession, my lack of faith. It's OK. You can let it go now. I'll understand."

I had to move.

"Susan, Dr. Skinner. I have to go. I am sorry. I can't stay. Goodbye, Susan."

And I walked out the door and on to my new life. Alone.

***

"That was very good, Susan. I am proud of you. I know that was difficult. But by fully accepting your responsibilities we have a foundation to build on. It will get easier next time. He is upset, but we can move forward now."

"He won't be back, Dr. Skinner. That was it."

"Don't lose hope now, Susan. We have come so far."

"No, I didn't lose hope. Just David. She'll help him now. She loves him. He won't be back. She warned me not to hurt him. She told me she would help me. And she did. But he won't be back."

"Who?"

"Maggie."

***

"She's in love with you. She always has been."

"What in God's name are you rambling about now?!"

"Just don't shut me out, David. She'll love you now. But we have the children. We will always be connected. I know I can't have you and I won't try to get you back. But, please, don't shut me out. I can't live like that. I won't."

***

I didn't feel like reliving this last session. I didn't want to talk about it. Fortunately, I didn't have to. She just looked at me.

"OK, David. It's over now. I'll finish it."

"Oh, Mags..."

She rushed to catch me and held me while I cried. And I did cry, a lot. And fuck off if you say you've never done it.

***

From there my life settled into kind of a morbid normalcy. There were no long drawn out court battles. Maggie had the prenuptial agreement enforced. Then we sat down with Susan and her attorney. I was generous. I wanted to give her more, but Susan wouldn't accept it. She said as long as she could live comfortably and see the children everything else was extravagance and she didn't deserve it. She asked that I allow her to keep up the charitable arm of the company saying it would give her something to focus on. That, and the small salary she could draw there, would keep her content.

Our marriage was over.

Susan and I still met once or twice a month. To talk mostly about nothing. Then she dropped her bombshell.

I drove home to my condo. It was more of an upscale bachelor pad. It was wasted on me. I never entertained anyone but Maggie and the children. Maggie, as always, was there when I got home.

We looked at each other for a long time. She was very concerned and took a huge breath, letting out an even bigger sigh.

"Let's talk about it. OK?"

"Sure, Mags. Here?"

"No, let's go to the living room."

We walked in silence to the kitchen and grabbed drinks and snacks. We moved in harmony without speaking. She sat directly across from me in a huge armchair. She looked so small with her legs curled underneath her.

"My uncle molested me when I was six years old."

I was shocked. That was not where I expected the discussion to start.

"It was four months of my life that changed me forever. I have never spoken about it to anyone but the prosecutor, my parents and my therapist. We tried to stay in San Francisco, in our family home. But that is where it happened most often, and I couldn't stop the nightmares. After a year of therapy, my father got a transfer to Chicago and that is when we moved to the house across the street from you."

"I hadn't so much as spoken to a boy or man, other than my father, in more than a year. Then I met you. Your family came to welcome us to the neighborhood. I watched from the stairs for a long time. Staring at you. You were different. I couldn't explain it. I still can't. But I knew you were different."

"I didn't know you had seen me until you slipped past my parents and up the stairs. 'Hi, I am David. I am so glad you're here. We are the only kids on this whole block. We can be friends and walk to school together. You are going to like it here. We can have so much fun. What is your name?'"

"From that moment you have been my best friend. I had been scared and alone for more than a year and then there you were. My own guardian angel. I felt safe. I was surprised but my parents were stunned. Do you remember the looks on their faces when they saw us talking?"

"Not really, I was too busy talking to you." I smiled.

"I know. I remember. I never lied to you, David. I have always loved you, and you have always known that. I couldn't hide it from you. I just never told you I was in love with you. Honestly, it just never came up. You are and were my very best friend and the only man I ever really trusted. You helped me more than you will ever know. You were so kind and gentle and sweet. I never wanted to be apart from you. As we got older, and you grew in to such a handsome man, I knew I was in love with you. But I had too many unresolved issues."

"Plus, you weren't interested in other girls. So I never worried about it. I had you all to myself and other boys left me alone. None of them were going to ever try to compete with you. Honestly, I think they felt relieved. You were always with me, so other girls went looking elsewhere and that made the guys happy."

"I never told you I was a lesbian. What I said was the truth, I wasn't interested in dating guys. Well other guys anyway. I just never corrected your thinking. I can't have children David. My uncle saw to that. I know you better than anyone and I knew you wanted a family, especially after your parents died. I couldn't be the one to keep you from your dream. When you found Susan, I knew you were in love and I was so happy for you. I never would have done anything to come between you. Ever."

"I told Susan before you got married that I was in love with you. I also told her that she never had to worry about me and I would help her hold on to you no matter what. But I also told her that if she ever hurt you, and you weren't together anymore, that I would take my shot. I would have waited forever without a single regret."

She paused.

"She told you about me, right?"

"Yes, just this afternoon."

I was stunned. I admit it. Margaret Peterson was my best friend. Always had been, always would be. She loved me and I always knew it. I had always loved her and she knew that. I would have done anything for her, she the same for me. She was stunningly beautiful. She had waited in silence so that I could have a shot at my dream. I had my children now. She had fought my every attempt to end my marriage until I was absolutely sure it couldn't be repaired. I was at peace with my divorce. She wanted me and I wanted her.

Our first kiss, as more than friends, was truly magical; a culmination of years of friendship and caring and love. It took my breath away. Shortly thereafter we adjourned to the bedroom for the first time. That evening will always be special to me. Because it was Maggie's first time, it was as traumatic as it was loving. That is all I will say about it. Our couplings have grown in passion over the years, though. I will simply say that Maggie Stephens is the most beautiful woman in the world and I don't think that anyone who has ever seen her would argue with me. Fortunately for me, I will be the only one that ever knows that every inch of her body is perfect and that she has the skills of a goddess in the bedroom. I'm sorry, but I won't share that. Some things just have to remain private.

Susan has remained a part of our lives. She and Mags work together on the many charities that our foundation supports. She shares all of the holidays with us and the children. True to her word, she never tried to win me back and I have never treated her as anything other than the loving mother of my children.

Oh, don't worry, I can hear your angry shouts from here. My revenge was lame, I should have done more. You know, I think in the world of fantasy, everything always works out for the hero. But in the real world violent people go to jail. Jason was unemployed and without a career. That was all the revenge I needed. If Susan hadn't decided to cheat on me, I would have never had to worry about him. Mike, well he was always a loser, still is. You can't make someone feel more like a loser, when they have never been a winner.

Susan, well, I love her. Always have, always will. That we cannot be together hurts me as much as it hurts her. Oh, having Maggie in my life certainly eased a lot of my troubles. But she had always been there for me and always would be. Nothing would have been gained from making Susan suffer any more than the simple loss of our marriage. That was enough. Pain is pain, and you can't focus its effects on one person and not get caught up in it yourself. It is best to try to move on and find as much happiness as you can.

Anyway, Susan doesn't seem to date, but we have never spoken about it. For the most part she is happy and content with her life. Every once in awhile, I know she misses me and our life together.

I know, because I can see it in her eyes.