Junkmail

I strip my bed, before now I'd been reluctant to as the sheets still held a trace of Sophie's smell. Now I just want to be rid of it, I pull the pillows off of the bed and begin stripping them of their covers when a piece of paper falling to the floor catches my eye. I pick it up curiously and examine the handwritten scrawl on both sides, as the words sink in my blood runs cold in my veins. I feel sick, and the back of my neck prickles as dread seeps through each of my pours "What have I done..." I whisper, my hand clasped to my mouth as a strangled sob escapes my throat.

I read the words once, twice, three times. Each time my heart breaks a little more as the words commit to memory and I imagine Sophie writing this haphazard note before I woke:

Ella,

You're asleep right now and I'm going to be going home in a few hours, I'm no good with words and I can see you losing patience with me sometimes. Don't. Please.

I want you, and I know this is truer than anything as I watch you sleep (even if you do snore and look as though you're catching flies) I know it isn't easy for you to hold back. But the time you're giving to me means more than you can ever know.

So thank you.

Yours

Sophie xx

Sophie - July 19^th

Becca looks different, she's more reserved than she was when we last saw each other. Granted, the last time we saw one another she was busy attacking me, but the woman sat across from me now almost resembles the same person I fell in love with seven years ago. "You look good Sophie, I..." She pauses and sips her wine "I am so sorry for the way I behaved. I know sorry will never come close to showing you just how much I regret it, but I hope it's a start."

I take a mouthful of my own wine, my eyes focus on the table before slowly travelling up to rest on her face. The soft smile on her lips and the expression she has makes any doubts of forgiving her melt away and as I think back to the way we had been a few years ago, my libido gives a little spike. "Listen, neither of us acted proper at the end. I owe you as much of an apology for my own behaviour."

"So, you slept with her then? That woman in Scotland?" I nod and bring my eyes away from her scrutinizing stare. "How did you even meet her? Were you seeing her whilst we were still together?"

I should've expected this, I knew what I was walking in to when I agreed to meet her and I know Becca. She isn't one to just let things lie, she will pick at things until she's satisfied with the answer. I drain my wine glass and signal for a waitress to come and refill it, if we're going to do this then I sure as shit won't be doing it sober. I'm already filled with guilt following on from my conversation with Ella earlier on, I've been replaying every word over and over in my mind and thinking about what I can say or do to put things right. But, on top of that guilt, there's also the guilt I'm feeling for the attraction I'm feeling towards Becca still. "Well, we met online."

"You met online?" She repeats, I nod, watching her reaction carefully; waiting for the inevitable spark of anger to flare up. I'm surprised when her eyes light up in amusement and she begins laughing loudly at me, my lips twitch in a small smile as I watch her clap her hands together and throw her head back. Her eyes shut and she looks carefree, I can't remember the last time I saw her laugh like this. "I'm sorry Soph," she starts as she composes herself, "that's just so fucking cliché."

"I'm well aware Becca, but please keep laughing at me." I remark, mirth thick in my voice as I watch her watching me still. I see the flash of pink as her tongue wets her lips before she begins speaking again.

"Carry on, so you met online? Were you looking for someone else?" She asks, her eyes showing the undeniable trace of hurt.

Without thinking, I reach out and rest my hand on top of hers "No," I start, running my thumb along the back of her hand "I wasn't looking for anything else." I pull my hand back and take a long drink from my refreshed glass of wine and let out a long sigh. "I'll start from the beginning."

And so I did, I told her how Ella had contacted me professionally and how that had blossomed into friendship that blossomed into something more. I told her about meeting her when I was working in Edinburgh, about how we almost kissed the second night I was there and how I actually left to come home but, a few miles down the road found myself turning around and going back to her. I left out the intimate details but I was honest about us sleeping together, and how since us breaking up, we've been having some sort of relationship. "Well, we were. I'm pretty sure that's over now." I say as I conclude my synopsis of events.

"I'm sorry to hear that Sophie, no I really am" she reaffirms when she takes in the disbelieving expression on my face. "Things didn't end well between us, but I've had time to think about things clearly, and it's obvious you weren't happy. You hadn't been for a while but you stayed with me anyway." She leans over and takes my hands in hers "thank you for that, and I'm sorry."

I squeeze her hands and on impulse bring her fingers up to my lips and kiss them gently. My eyes don't leave her face and I watch as a slow blush creeps across her cheeks, I love that look on her. My mind wanders off to the past and I picture the way her chest and face would flush mid-orgasm, the way her fingers would tangle in my hair as I devoured her with my mouth.

Stop it, that's dangerous territory. I think of Ella, who's no doubt sitting at home alone and hurt after the way we left things earlier and I feel guilty once more about even entertaining the idea of... well I don't know what. But the way Becca's looking at me right now makes me think that I'm not the only one having these errant thoughts. "How about," I start, dropping her hands to the table and lacing my fingers into one of hers as I pick up my wine glass with my free hand, "We get good and drunk for old times sake?"

"That's the smartest thing you've said all day Sophie." She agrees and picks up her own glass as her fingers tighten into mine and lifts it to her lips, her eyes not leaving my face as she takes a drink. This is going to end in tears, but I'll worry about that later. Once again, I'm letting my libido do the thinking and damn the consequences.

Falling through the front door to my old home several hours later and a little worse for wear, Becca and I are giggling like school girls. "You're still a bad influence," I complain as I kick off my vans and hang up my jacket in the hallway closet, the same way I'd done a million times before.

"Me?" She slurs as she pulls her heels off, her hand grasping hold of the banister to stop her drunk ass falling to the floor, "you're the one who kept ordering all the shots!"

"Yeah, and you never said no." I countered, leaning against the wall and watching her lithe body struggle with her heels. She looks good tonight, she's looked good all day, and the more alcohol I've consumed the less my conscience has talked me out of appreciating her greedily.

As the day has gone on Ella's stayed at the forefront of my mind, but instead of letting that thought steer me in the way I should go. Back to her, apologising for being such a twat, it's pushed me further and further into the arms of Becca. I take a step towards the woman I once shared this home with and stop myself abruptly, I want to kiss her. I want to run my hands through her brown hair once more and give in to this burning need to feel her near me. But I stop myself and turn in the direction of the kitchen "I'll go open us another bottle of wine, I assume you've kept the stock pile full? Or have you managed to go through it in the few weeks since I moved out?"

"Cheeky bitch," she mutters, "you were always the alcoholic Soph." I laugh to myself and try to ignore the urge to turn around and give in to what I'm feeling. It still feels natural to walk around the house like this, nothing's changed, it still smells the same. There's still our photo's hanging on the walls, memories made together over the years. In the kitchen I open up the wine cabinet and select a good Cabernet Sauvignon and begin to open the cork.

I feel hands run down the length of my arms and snake around my waist, Becca's cheek is pushed against my shoulder and I stop what I'm doing as I stiffen slightly in her embrace. "This feels so right Sophie. Come home?" She whispers, her arms tighten around me and I move my hands to rest on top of hers as I relax into her body. "Please come home."

"I can't Becca, you know that." I whisper as I turn in her arms and cup her cheeks in my hands.

"Why? Tell me this doesn't feel right to you? It'll be different this time."

I take a deep breath and shake my head, I'm conflicted. My entire being feels as though it's being pulled in two different directions, half of me yearns to give in and just come back to Becca. Back to where it's comfortable and familiar, she seems genuinely changed and perhaps with baby steps we can build a stronger relationship than we had before.

But, the other half of me longs for Ella. It longs to be with the person that made me feel like me again in a way I'd forgotten was possible. Ella is new and exciting and I know that she loves me in a way I probably don't deserve. I close my eyes tightly and shake my head again "I can't Becca. It wouldn't be fair to anyone." I open my mouth to speak again but feel her lips press firmly against my own.

My eyes open and I watch as Becca's eyes flutter close and she presses forward with her kiss. I resist momentarily, my eyes staying open and my arms drop to my side. But, as she pushes her mouth more firmly against mine, I feel my resistance begin to crumble. The resolve I've been holding onto all day crumbles and my hands come back up to frame her face and my own eyes close tightly as I give myself over to her.

My fingers run through her long, thick tresses as I pull her even closer to me. Our mouths move together furiously as she tilts her head to the side in order to give me better access to her full lips.

We stand in the kitchen, tangled in our embrace for God only knows how long before she pulls away and looks up at me silently. My breathing is ragged as she takes my hands in hers and leads me out of the kitchen, we don't need to speak. The way we look at one another, the wordless exchange that's happening now between us spells out exactly what's about to happen as she leads me upstairs and into the bedroom we used to share.

As I cross that threshold to the point of no return, my hand lingers on the door handle and I think fleetingly of Ella. But, right now, looking at Becca as she sprawls invitingly across the Queen size bed, silently beckoning me to her. I push that thought away from me and close the door shut on the girl who's heart I'm about to break and walk back into the arms of the woman I swore I'd never go back to.

Sophie -- July 20^th

Standing on the doorstep of Ella's apartment building fills me with a sense of dread I've never felt before. I need to come clean to her, and this is a conversation that needs to be had face to face. I need to look her in the eye when I tell her what transpired between Becca and I last night, I've been dodging both women's calls all day and now it's time to face the music.

The door swings open and Ella looks at me with mixed emotions, relief comes first and a fleeting look of excitement. But that's quickly doused when she sees the expression on my face, "you'd better come in." She murmurs matter of factly and steps aside to let me pass.

I feel tense and nauseas as I allow her to lead me into the living room, my insides in knots as I rehearse in my head what I want to say to her before I lose bottle. "I think we need to talk," I start as I take a seat across from her on the sofa, "yesterday I saw Becca again and we, you and I, left things rather poorly on the phone."

Ella nods, her dark eyes glistening with unshed tears, her usually rosy complexion pale and her eyes look sunk in her face. I silently wonder if she got any sleep last night and feel guilty all over again when I think about her spending a restless night because of me, whilst I was busy fucking my ex. "We did, but you don't need to apologise for that. I said things I shouldn't have and I'm sorry."

Oh God, she's apologising to me! I hang my head a little lower, shamefully avoiding her gaze "please don't apologise Ella, I really don't deserve it."

"What are you talking about? I was such a bitch yesterday," she pauses and I feel her delicate fingers curl around my chin, forcing my eyes up to meet hers. She searches them silently for a moment, my teeth begin chewing my bottom lip and I watch as realisation dawns on her pretty face. "What aren't you telling me?"

Well, here goes nothing "last night, yesterday, I met up with Becca." Ella stiffens across from me at the mention of her name, I watch as her whole body goes rigid whist I push on, her hands drop to her lap and I can tell she's doing all she can to put as much distance between the two of us. "We had a lot to drink and well, one thing led to another."

"So you what, had an argument with me so you just jump into bed with your ex at the first chance you get?" Ella snaps at me before taking her head in her hands and letting out a ragged breath. "I can't quite get my head around it Sophie, I want to hear you say it." She says, bringing her head back up to set me with a hard stare "I want to hear you say you fucked your ex."

I pause and eye her warily, my heart is hammering against my chest as I watch her expression change. Her eyes glare at me and I feel myself shrinking away from her stare, never before have I wanted to disappear so much in my life. To see her look at me with such disdain and loathing hurt me more than I thought it would, "Ella, I am so sorry..."

"Save your apologies Sophie. I want to hear you say those fucking words."

"I slept with Becca."

"You fucked her?" I nod, my eyes fixed firmly on the floor, "Say it Sophie!" She shouts at me, I stand from the sofa and stare down at her.

"I fucked Becca. She fucked me. We fucked each other! Is that what you want to hear Ella? Is it?!"

Ella stands from her seat and pushes me back roughly, I stumble a few steps before regaining my balance "no! On what fucking planet do you think that's what I wanted to hear. I wanted you to tell me it wasn't true! I knew it, you, you think with your fanny first and your brain afterwards. You're worse than a fucking man!"

"Ella, I'm sorry! I really am."

"Do you regret it?" She asks, her eyes fixed on my face.

"No, I don't." I answer truthfully.

"So you're going back to her then?"

"No, I'm not."

Ella pauses and searches my face as though looking for something I'm not saying, "what does this mean then? Because you can't just keep going from me to her and back again. Who do you choose? Because you need to make a choice and I'm not sure I have the fight left in me to beg you to pick me. I want you to, because despite this, I still love you." My eyes widen at her admission, I suspected this, but I hoped it wasn't true. I don't want her to love me, I don't deserve it. "I want to move past this and be with you, I want to learn to trust you Sophie. But you need to make a choice, me or her."

I stay silent for a moment as I think about what she's said, her or Becca, Becca or Ella. Who do I chose? Who do I want? The weight of the choice threatens to suffocate me as I think about the two women who each have a firm grip on my heart, Ella is a breath of fresh air and I love being around her. I open my mouth to tell her that I chose her, that I want to make it work. But the words that pass my lips shock me, but as soon as they're out there I feel as though a weight has lifted from my chest and for the first time since this whole fucked up three-way started, I can breathe. "Me," I whisper. "I chose me."

And with that, I turn on my heel and leave her standing alone in her sitting room. I chose me, I chose my freedom and my own happiness. For so long I've been juggling the emotions of the two women in my life, walking on egg shells to be the me they both want me to be. And I'm tired of it, I don't want to do this anymore. I want to live my life the way I want.

I vaguely hear Ella calling after me, but I don't hang around, I have things I need to do. So I jump back into my car and drive off at speed, I know she's going to hurt for a while, but this is really the best decision for the both of us. I know and so will she in time, I just hope she can forgive me one day.

July 26^th

TO: Ella James

FROM: Sophie Chambers

Sent: 26/07/2017 08:19 GMT

SUBJECT: I'm sorry.

Dear Ella,

I don't know how to tell you how truly sorry I am, but you need to stop calling me and begin moving forward with your life.

I'm taking an extended leave of absence, actually I'm taking a sabbatical for a year to do some travelling. I've always wanted to see New Zealand and Asia, so that's where I'm going to start.

After I've sent this email, I'm going to be deactivating this account and I'm already in the process of changing my number. I want you to be happy, I want you to take this time and do something YOU want to do. Because that's exactly what I'm doing, if in twelve months' time our paths were to cross again and that same lethal attraction is still there, lets reexplore it. But now, we've done this all wrong. Probably because we both wanted it so badly we were willing to overlook one of the fundamental foundations needed for a relationship. Trust. You couldn't trust me, and honestly, I couldn't trust myself.

You have been my leaning post through so much, and I thank you for that. But, for now I need you to move on, I want you to move on.

Be happy Ella. You deserve it.

Yours,

Sophie.