Know Thyself Ch. 05

There's tampon vending machines?!

I didn't notice one when I came in, but I also wasn't looking for it. I pull my pants up and peek out of the stall. It seems like I'm alone in here. I feel so embarrassed but I know I shouldn't be. This is normal. This is a natural occurrence.

As I make my way slowly to the sinks, I see it. There's a vending machine in here! A small one on the wall. It kind of looks like those condom vending machines you see in men's rooms.

Men's rooms have condoms, women's rooms have tampons. I'm glad I'm now a woman because my needs as a man suddenly feel ridiculous.

It looks like I need a quarter. I put my purse on the table and rifle through my bag. There's a few coins on the bottom but I don't remember if any of them are quarters. I rake my hand around the bottom and trap all the coins on one side. Pulling them out, I start to sort. I have a few pennies, a couple dimes, and two nickels. No quarters. I look back at the machine to see if it takes other coins. Of course it doesn't. It's not like this would be that easy.

I bet I can exchange money at the coffee shop.

I start walking back to the coffee shop counter, the inside of my thighs feeling a little damp. Ugh! Why didn't I think to research this earlier? I've been Ashley for three weeks, how have I not thought of this before?!

I linger at the front of the line where the cash register is. After the last customer walks away, I half cut the line and lean in to speak softly to the female cashier. I hold out my two dimes and nickel.

"Can I get a quarter?" As I say it, I wonder why I'm keeping my voice down. I'm just asking for a quarter.

"What," the cashier says.

I glance to my right and see the next person in line look a little annoyed. I decide to speak up.

"Can I get a quarter please?"

A look of recognition hits the cashier's face and she gives me a knowing smile.

I could do without that, thank you very much.

She gives me the quarter and I get the hell out of there. I make my way back into the women's room and get a tampon from the vending machine. Walking back to the stalls, I enter the same one. It's funny how that works. All the stalls are empty but I feel like this one is mine.

Okay, so now I need to figure how to insert this. I mean, it's seems fairly obvious but I don't want to mess this up. I don't have another quarter to get another tampon. I look at the stick, hoping to find some directions. The light blue paper-wrapped stick gives me nothing. I sit on the toilet, take out my headphones, and plug them into my phone. I'm sure there's a YouTube video for this. I type in "how to insert a tampon" and click the first result.

Oh my God, it's animated!

A couple minutes later I walk out of the women's room, crisis averted. (For now) How long does a period last? I feel like I've heard people say it lasts a week but I also feel like I've heard people say it can be just aa couple of days. How am I thirty years old and I have no knowledge of a woman's menstrual cycle?

Is it that surprising? What man does?

I guess that's true. I've never thought about it before but suddenly I feel like such an idiot. How have I been alive for thirty years and I have no idea how such an important part of the female body works? I guess it's one of those things that if you have no reason to know about it you never find out. Well now I have a reason. This English Lit class is my last one of the day. When I'm done here, the first thing I'm doing is extensive research on not just the menstrual cycle but female anatomy in general. I can't believe I never thought about this before. If I'm going to live as a woman, I need to research the female body.

I thought I was going to end my first day of college feeling like the smartest person in the world but instead I feel like the biggest idiot to ever walk the Earth!

**********************************************************

Before I get to my apartment, I stop in a Duane Reade to buy a box of tampons. I find the aisle and stare at the shelves in front of me. There are a few different brands and I have no idea what difference any of them make. I'm sure it can't be much. I've heard of Tampax before so I go with that. Luckily there's only one person in line ahead of me. When it's my turn, I walk up and put the box on the counter and avoid eye contact with the boy behind the register. I know I shouldn't be nervous about this, but I can't help it. I feel like everyone knows. Like they're all thinking, "don't touch her, she's having her period."

This is ridiculous! I'm a girl. This is supposed to happen.

Sometimes I amaze myself at how stupid I can be. I decide the only way to get over this is to make myself not nervous. I look at the boy. Oh course he looks like he couldn't care less about this purchase. He tells me my total and I pay with my debit card. He bags it up and I'm on my way. The most normal purchase there can be. No one cares. I don't understand why, as a boy, you're taught to think periods are weird and gross. It's not like there's anything flowing out of me. It was like a couple drops. The only thing I actually feel is bloated and hot.

I walk in the door and my mom is there, sitting on the couch reading. Her face lights up when she sees me.

"How did it go?!"

Oh God, I forgot that I'm supposed to recap everything for them.

Well mom, both of my classes seem boring because I took them twelve years ago and I'm feeling like crap because it turns out I'm having my first period. How was your day?

"Fine," I say and keep going into my bedroom and close the door. A few second later I hear a light knock.

"What happened," my mom asks on the other side of the door.

"Nothing, I'm just tired and I want to take a nap. I'll tell you about it later."

"Can I come in?"

"No!" That came out louder than I wanted.

I can hear my mom shuffling right outside my door. After a moment, she turns and walks away. Thank God! I have some homework to do and it has nothing to do with school. I spend the next hour researching periods online. What's normal, what's not normal. How to anticipate the next one, what to do when it starts, how to tell when it's over. Apparently you can have a light one and a heavy one. From the way it's described online, I think I'm having a light one. It says it can last anywhere from three to nine days. Too bad Ashley didn't leave me any notes on how long hers usually lasts.

The other interesting thing I find out (and again, I don't know why I never thought of this) is that birth control can regulate your period. I actually never knew that. I thought it was only for making sure you don't get pregnant. Again, I feel like an idiot.

How do I find out if Ashley was on birth control?

I don't want to ask my mom. If this is something her and Ashley never talked about, I don't want to open the whole "are you having sex" conversation. Maybe my mom is cool and will know why I'm asking. Apparently the pills come in disks or those individually wrapped rectangles that gum comes in. I don't see any of those around. There's never been any in her purse, otherwise I would've thought about this sooner. I know I have a health insurance card in my bag. I can probably go to a pharmacy and get it but from what they say online I'll need a prescription. I have no idea who my doctor is. Luckily, having been through college before, I know I can go to student health. When I was at Penn State, they had actual doctors there who could prescribe you medication. Tomorrow I'll stop in and get a prescription. I also need to see the GYN.

God there's so much upkeep to being a girl!

As a boy, I only went to the doctor if I felt sick. There wasn't anything to take care of. I forgot girls have to see a doctor regularly. At least if I go to student health, I don't have to deal with a doctor who will know medical history about me. I don't know how I can justify not knowing my own medical history if he or she brings up stuff from my past. The best thing to do is have a fresh start with someone new, just like everything else in my life right now.

Suddenly an idea hits me. I'm in college, I have access to education. Why don't I take a health class? I can learn more about the female body and basic health information I'm already supposed to know as a girl. How do I change my class schedule? There's probably some type of online registration.

I go back to the living room and find my mom.

"Do you remember how I registered for classes?" I decide to just ask the question outright. This is something I'm sure I can chalk up to not remembering.

My mom thinks for a minute. "I'm pretty sure you met with someone at the school and they registered you."

"There wasn't like an online thing I could do?"

"I think you said there was. I don't remember. Why?"

"I want to add a class."

I can tell she's starting to get excited. "Which one?"

"Health. Like an intro to health class."

That one doesn't seem to excite her. "Why?"

"It'll fill an elective. Might as well get it out of the way now."

She nods. "Makes sense. Go for it."

"Can I use your laptop?" I really need to get a computer of my own.

"Sure, it's in my bag."

I find her work bag and pull the laptop out. I set it up on the table and open the browser. Hunter College's website auto fills as I start to type it in. Good, I must've used her laptop before. I search the site for a moment until I find the online registration. It asks for a username and password.

Crap.

"Do you remember my username and password," I ask my mom.

She shakes her head. "You don't remember?"

"No," I answer defeated.

"I have no idea, Ashley."

It's asking for my student ID. I type it in (having looked at it all day on my schedule) but unfortunately there's no password that auto fills with it. I close the laptop and put it back in her bag.

"Any luck," she asks me.

"No. I'll just go to the registrar tomorrow."

She nods and I walk back to my bedroom just as I hear my phone beep. It's a text from Matt.

"how was class," he asks.

I type back. "fine. boring"

"lol"

"u ready for tomorrow" As I type it back I realize I sound like my parents. His first day of class isn't until tomorrow.

"meh"

I don't really know what that means. Before I can answer, another text comes in.

"want 2 come over"

"sure on my way," I answer.

I haven't seen him in a few days so I figure I should check in.

"Mom, I heading out. Be back later," I say as I walk out the door, not waiting for a response.

I need a crosstown bus and a train to get to his place, so it takes a while to get there. Finally I buzz his apartment and knock on the door. His mom answers.

"Hi Ashley, nice to see you."

"You too Ms. Powell."

She steps aside for me to enter and I see Matt step out of his room into the hallway.

"Hey Ashley!" He comes up and awkwardly stands in front of me. For some reason he never kisses me in front of his mother. When we meet up anywhere else, he greets me with a kiss. I guess it is a little awkward to date in front of your parent when you're a teenager. I think I have a vague memory of that.

We walk to his room and he closes the door. Before we're even sitting down, his mom opens the door and walks away. I laugh.

"God, she's annoying," he says.

"She's just looking out for you."

"Why? It's not like you're going to hurt me or anything."

I give him a sideways look. "You know why."

He kisses me and wraps his arms around me.

"I missed you," he says.

"You just saw me a couple days ago."

"Well, a couple days is a long time." He gives me a cheesy smile and I can't help but laugh and roll my eyes.

"You're so corny," I tease.

"Yeah, you know you love it."

"I do."

He kisses me again. I always get a bit of a rush when I feel him holding me tight. He's much stronger than he looks. Or maybe I'm just weaker than I know.

His hands cups my breasts and he lightly squeezes them. I flinch and pull away.

"You okay," he asks me.

"They're sore."

"From what?"

"You know..."

He looks confused.

"It's...that time..."

Now he realizes.

"Oh, sorry."

"S'okay." I give him another kiss and break our embrace. I sit on his bed and fold my legs. "So what'd you do with your last day of freedom?"

He sits on the other side of the bed, facing me. "Played video games."

"Lucky you."

"Oh please. You got one less day of summer vacation than me. Cry me a river," he teases.

"One day makes a big difference!"

"Oh no, stop the presses. My girlfriend had to start school one day before me."

I laugh but I notice him looking at me oddly.

"What," I ask him.

"You don't think that's a bad thing to say?"

"Oh course I do!" I giggle. "You get a longer summer vacation than I do."

"No, not that."

Now I can tell he's getting serious.

What's going on?

"What then," I ask.

"I called you my girlfriend."

I didn't even realize. I didn't catch it.

"Is that like, okay," he continues, not taking his eyes off me.

"Uh, I guess." I suddenly feel really awkward.

He nods. I don't think that was the answer he was looking for.

"I'm just asking because I was talking to Rich today and I realized I didn't know how to refer to you. We've never like, talked about it yet."

I nod. "Yeah, I guess we haven't."

"So..." He trails off for a moment and then finds himself. "Are you like, my girlfriend?"

I guess I just always assumed I was, but now that he poses the question to me it seems so much more serious than I thought. Do I want to be in a relationship? I've been wanting to be in one for a long time now but I was Ben, so I was kind of hoping to be in a relationship with a girl. But I do have a lot of fun with Matt, and he's a really nice guy. I just don't really know who or what I want yet. Do I want to be in a relationship with a boy or a girl?

He picks up on my hesitation. "Because if we're just like, friends with benefits, then that's cool. I would just...you know...like to know."

Just say you're his girlfriend. Just say it. It's not like he's proposing.

"I really like you Matt."

He nods. "But?"

I shrug. "There is no but."

"So, are you my girlfriend?"

I nod.

"Okay," he says with a kind of half smile.

I feel cheap for not actually saying it. Why can't I actually say it?

"So we're like, boyfriend and girlfriend," he asks.

I nod again. "Yeah."

"Okay." He's nodding now too. "Cool."

"Cool," I repeat.

Now there's an awkward silence. I hate these moments, although this is the first time in my life I'm on this end of it. Usually I'm the one asking the girl for clarification on our relationship. I feel like a terrible person. Why can't I just enthusiastically say "I'd love to be your girlfriend"? I didn't know I had any hesitation until this moment.

He reaches his hand out and starts rubbing my folded leg. I stay stiff, not pulling away but not embracing it either.

"Is everything okay," he asks.

"Yeah, of course."

Why am I being like this? He can obviously tell something is wrong. Don't do this, Ashley. Don't mess this up.

"I'm sorry," I begin. "I just haven't been in a relationship for a long time. I kind of felt like we were in one, but actually saying it kind of...I don't know...took me off guard."

His hand stops rubbing my leg and stays where it is. "Yeah, okay."

Just say it you idiot!

I grab his hand interlock our fingers.

"I really like you and I'm glad that you're my boyfriend."

He smiles and I can tell this is what he wanted to hear.

"I'm glad you're my girlfriend," he says.

We both lean in and kiss, the kind of kiss only two people who are in love share.

At least he didn't say that.

**********************************************************

The next day I wake up like a girl on a mission. I don't have class until one in the afternoon, so that should give me plenty of time to go to student health. I could've slept in but I'd rather get this out of the way. I dress conservatively, just a bland pair of jeans and a black t shirt, and head out. Luckily everyone was gone by the time I left.

Come to think of it, I haven't spoken to Jack in a couple days now. I wonder how his interview went.

I get to student health and walk up to the window. It looks like some futuristic space station in here. Everything is either white or glass. There's a sliding window that's open and a woman sitting behind it.

"Hi," she greets me with a smile.

"Hi. I need to see the doctor."

She hands me a clipboard. "Just fill this out and give it back to me when you're done."

"Thanks."

I take the clipboard and sit down. I hate these things. They always take forever to fill out. I start to go through the information and stop myself before I make a ridiculous mistake.

I almost circled "male" for gender.

This is the first form I've filled out as Ashley. I wonder what the doctor would say if he saw the "M" scribbled out and the "F" circled instead. After a couple minutes I hand the clipboard back to the woman.

After a moment she calls me back so she can make a copy of my insurance card. After that, I sit in the waiting room. It's empty in here. Apparently I'm the only one with medical needs this early in the morning. By "this early" I mean ten o'clock. So really, not that early. After a few minutes the doctor calls me in. It's a man, so I'm a little uncomfortable the whole time. I probably shouldn't be, it wasn't that long ago I was a man, but still.

He asks me a bunch of basic questions. "Are you sexually active?" "No." "Do you smoke?" "No." "Do you drink?" I'm about to say "occasionally", my typical answer as Ben which always meant "yes, a lot." I stop myself and say "Not really."

He stops and looks up from his clipboard. "More than three drinks a week?"

"No." I can't believe I can say that and I'm actually being truthful. That was never the case when I was Ben.

He continues with a lot more questions and eventually I tell him I need a prescription for birth control. He asks if I've ever been on it before and I say I haven't. It's the best I can do since I don't know the truth. What's the worst that can happen? It's not like there's a "birth control for beginners" pill and a "birth control Jedi master" one.

I eventually leave with my prescription and drop it off at the Duane Reade down the block from the campus. It's only ten forty-five now, so I have a lot of time. I still feel bloated and gross, so I don't want to eat anything. I decide to make my way to the student lounge.

Yesterday I had noticed a sign that mentioned it being somewhere on the second floor. After some searching I find it. It's not bad. TV's around the walls, couches scattered throughout, a ping pong table, pool table, and some vending machines along the walls. There's one or two students sleeping on the couches. Probably people who had eight o'clock classes this morning. I find a couch and get comfortable. Laying flat doesn't seem that bad. It might make some of the bloating go away.

I feel like there's a jack hammer on my stomach.

I'm going to have to deal with this once a month for the rest of my life? That sucks!

Not the rest of your life. Only until menopause.

That's what I found out from my online research last night. I just now realize I was planning on going to the registrar this morning to see if I can get into a health class.

But I'm already laying down and feel so comfortable! The jack hammer has let up slightly.