Lisa Ch. 05b: Only Human cont

"Grrrr." Jessica growled. Jim had shrunk the arc of the circle in which his finger was moving but nowhere near close enough to the exact place she wanted his finger to rub.

"Easy now Jessica," Jim said with a chuckle. "If you can lay nice and still, just for a few minutes, then I'll put you out of your misery ... deal?"

Jessica was panting ... she couldn't stand this.

"Don't move ..." he whispered into her ear as his finger stopped arcing and moved to gently stroke between her pussy lips.

"Jimmy!" Jessica groaned.

"Ah, ah, ah ... be still."

Jessica tried but Jim kept stroking, increasing the pressure with each stroke.

"Is this the place?" he asked, rubbing her hard nub.

"Yes!" Jessica yelled.

Jim laughed, and stroked harder. He couldn't torture her any more. He let go of her wrists, and began to wonder if he'd survive having done so.

Jessica threw herself at him, parting her legs and thrusting herself onto his cock. She bit his neck, his lips, his cheeks. Despite the pain and probably because of it, Jim felt pleasure rush over him and he couldn't control the force with which he was pumping into Jessica. But she didn't seem to care. She pressed her chest against him, her pelvis, and threw her head back as spasms racked her body, and his.

Jim lay on top of Jessica, sure he was crushing her, but unable to move.

"Are you okay?" he muttered.

"Never better ..." she replied.

"Good, because I can't move."

"Good, don't. I don't' care if we stay like this forever."

Jim chuckled. Minutes passed. Jessica lay melded against him.

"Are you asleep?" he asked.

"No." she replied.

"Thinking?"

"Yup."

"About today?"

"Yes."

"Me too. What are you thinking?"

"That this has probably been the best day ever of the entire time I've been here." Jessica said.

"It was pretty good, wasn't it?"

"Scott and Josh ... things are out in the open now. It feels so much better."

"And once we get things out in the open with Riley and Angus, things will be even better. Just wait and see." He added when Jessica tensed beneath him.

"Do you really think it will work?"

"Of course. It did with Scott and Josh. Did you think it would be easy with them?"

"I didn't really foresee any of this." Jessica replied. "But Scott and Josh at least like me. I don't think we'll have as much luck with Riley, and especially not Angus."

"Listen," Jim said, wanting the tension to disappear from Jessica's body again. "I don't want to talk about Angus and Riley any more tonight... I'm just going to say that you're not seeing things properly. When they come home, try to watch them ... really watch them, and you'll see. It will take longer with them, for sure. We won't rush. And now, let's forget about them, okay?"

"Okay," Jessica agreed. Jim smiled as she relaxed and her body became one with his again.

"I can't believe that you hit those dogs." Jim said after a moment of silence.

Jessica smiled.

"Can you show me how you did it?" Jim asked.

"You want me do target practice with you?" Jessica asked, surprised.

"Yes. We have a shooting pit a bit back on our property. I'd love to improve my distance." Jim said ... unable to believe he had any improvement to make.

"Sure." Jessica agreed. "Can I ask a favor?" she added.

"Of course."

"You run in the mornings, right?"

"Yup. Josh and Scott do too."

"Can I run with you? I used to be pretty fit ... I feel like I'm withering away ..."

Jim lifted his arm to feel the muscles on her right arm. It certainly didn't feel as though it had withered.

"Okay ..." he said, "I'll go into town tomorrow and get you some decent running shoes ... and riding boots." He said, thinking about Scott and his idea.

"You will?" Jessica asked, her body suddenly tense with excitement.

"Sure ... you can't go running in those oversized shoes you've been borrowing from me."

"Thanks!" Jessica said with great enthusiasm. So much so that Jim felt movement from his lower regions.

"Don't thank me yet." Jim said, pulling Jessica's arms above her head, and holding them there with his left hand, and bringing his right to Jessica's breast. "You're in for another round of lying still."

Jessica wrapped her legs around Jim.

"You have the restraint of a saint." Jessica said, thrusting her pelvis against him.

"And you don't ..." Jim said grasping her wrists tighter and bringing his lips to hers.

****************************************************************

"Are you okay?" Jessica asked.

Jim had left for town right after breakfast. Scott had left to begin putting his plan into motion. That left Josh and Jessica alone together. Josh had brought her out with him to do chores. He had been awake the whole night thinking about Jessica and what he'd done to her. To her and to Paula. Compared to Jim, he was a monster. And he concluded that there was only one way he could make amends for what he'd done. He had to make things better for her with Angus and Riley and then he could confess to Jim about Paula. And then Jim could get his justice and rid the world of Josh's pathetic, raping ass. He didn't know how long it would take with Angus and Riley but he knew that for whatever time he had left with Jessica he was going to serve her and protect her. He loved her. Really loved her. And for some unknown reason she loved him too. His mission was to ensure her love was not in vain.

He'd worked like a machine. Finishing his chores then finishing most of Jessica's before she could even get to them. In the end they were both sweaty and dirty, Jessica humbled by how little she'd done compared to Josh. Jessica had put the last bale of hay into Ebony's stall and turned to find Josh quietly watching her. Before she could put the pitchfork down Josh took it from her and put it away, returning to stand quietly next to her. He'd taken his shirt off to work and now his rippling, strained, sweaty muscles called to her. She went into his arms. Josh wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in, and gazing down at her. She ran her hands over his chest enjoying how he felt and he pulled her tighter against him but she quickly realized that his hands, usually busy fondling every part of her, were resting firmly and protectively on her ass and they didn't move.

"Are you okay?" Jessica repeated unsure how to interpret the odd way he was looking at her.

He nodded his head slightly, "I will be." Josh replied in an eerily calm tone.

"What does that mean?" Jessica asked.

"It means that I'm going to make amends for raping you. I know it's not enough Jessica, not even close, but no one will hurt you again. Not Angus, not Riley. They'll never hit you again, I promise."

Fear gripped her. Josh looked so serene, so calm, so disassociated from what he was saying. She took a step back to get a better look at him, and panicked. Rather than grip her harder, pull her to him, not allow her to go, Josh let his hands fall away.

"Josh, you're scaring me ... what's happening? What are you talking about?"

With Jessica's question Josh's calm exterior wavered and beneath it she saw pain and guilt. His deep brown eyes watered as he lifted his hands and stepped back.

"I don't want to scare you Jess ... how do I stop?" he sounded broken and lost.

"Talk to me, please." Jessica said going into his arms and pulling them around her when they'd continued to hang in the air, "I don't understand what's happening. If it's about the rape, you know I've gotten past it. Let's just move on."

"I hurt you." Josh said, "I can't get past that and you shouldn't have to. I'm an asshole and I have to make up for that.."

Jessica nodded and brought her hands to Josh's face, running her fingers over the pain etched on it, trying to caress it out. "You did hurt me and it was awful. And I appreciate that you want to make up for it, I really do. But by doing what you have been lately, taking me horseback riding, letting me help with chores ... your comic, you are making up for it. Can you just be yourself again? Be happy? Please?" Jessica knew it made no sense. She wanted justice for what happened to her family, and to her. She knew she would get it one day, somehow. And in the meantime it should have been gratifying to know Josh was now emotionally scarred by what he'd done to her but for some reason it wasn't. She wanted the happy Josh back.

Josh shook his head. "There's more. I also raped Jimmy's sister, Paula. She killed herself because of it." Josh paused and watched Jessica's expression go from surprised, to shocked, to angry, to repulsed, and then settle on a mixture of what Josh interpreted to be disappointment and profound sadness.

"Now you know the truth about me. The whole truth about me. And now you can hate me like you should. And I will tell Jimmy about this ... I promise. But first we have to get things settled with Riley and Angus ... for you ..." he said more softly. "And then I'll tell him."

Jessica didn't know what to say. Her mouth opened and closed several times but no sound came out. Josh let his hands drop again.

"It's okay Jessica. I'll forfeit my nights with you ... I'll keep my distance ... never touch you again, don't worry, I won't bother you ever again."

"Paula ..." she finally managed. "That's why Paula killed herself?"

Josh nodded his head.

"Believe me Jessica. I'd give you a loaded gun right now, and let you blow my brains out, if I didn't think that Jim would want to do it himself."

"And that's why you would dream about her ..." Jessica whispered.

"What?" Josh asked in a strangled voice. Wasn't it bad enough that he'd violated Paula... forced her to kill herself, now he was having sex dreams about her too? Was there no end to his sickness?

"No Josh!" Jessica cried, grabbing his arm as his face twisted with self-loathing and he turned to walk away.

Fear pulsed through her. Fear of what he was going to do to himself.

"Let me go Jessica. I hadn't realized I'd sunk so low as to have sex dreams about her ... Jesus Christ ... please ... let me go ..." he said again.

"Not sex dreams ..." Jessica said. "Josh, you had nightmares. You'd call out her name ... say you were sorry. I just thought you were apologizing because you hadn't been able to help her before she ended her life ... but you were actually sorry about ... everything."

Josh shook his head. "I'm sure my dreams weren't that selfless."

"Jimmy was having similar dreams. Feeling guilty that he hadn't recognized the signs ..." Jessica stopped. Wishing she hadn't said anything about Jimmy. Josh looked even more distraught and his knees seemed to buckle ... he sank to the ground. Jessica went to him and he dropped his head against her stomach.

"Josh, you raped me and it was awful. When we were awake, when we were asleep. It was ... bad." Jessica began. She spoke slowly, unsure how to best express what she was feeling. When she paused Josh groaned and seemed ready to move away from her again but she brought her hands to his head and began running her fingers through his shortly cropped hair. "There is no way to put what you did to me or to Paula in a good light. But there are laws to deal with those kinds of crimes. And those laws will ensure the right punishment is given. That's all I can say about Paula and what you did to her. But for me ... for us ... it's not so cut and dry. I know this is probably wrong. I'm probably wrong. I should probably never accept anything other than restitution for what you did to me, but it doesn't seem to work that way. Maybe it's because we're human, or maybe I'm weak, I don't know, but once you started sleeping on the floor, and reading Scott's magazines, our sex has been consensual. I don't want you to forfeit your nights with me."

Josh tilted his head up, bringing his hands up to rest on her waist, pulling her against him. Jessica had never noticed before how beautiful his brown eyes were. They glistened with pooled tears and Jessica felt something inside her break. She instinctively knew that her feelings for Josh and the others were all kinds of wrong. They had done unspeakable things to her family, to her, to many many other people. But somehow she loved them. She wanted them. Even though she knew they would have to answer for their crimes. But that was the big picture, the world view. She saw a very different picture in her personal view, in her personal world. Josh was trying to make amends to her on his own terms and in the world in which only he and she existed, that was enough for her.

"I love you Jessica. I'll do whatever you want Jessica ... whatever you want. And there are laws ... Jimmy will get his justice, don't worry." Jessica got the sense that the laws Josh was talking about were not the same as the ones she was. She knew from stories her parents had told her and her brothers that the clan had a very rigid sense of its own idea of justice. Jessica shuddered when she contemplated how Jim would react when he heard about Paula. Jimmy was not a violent man, not like Angus ... at least not the Jimmy she knew ... the fifty dead people causing her to wonder a little about that ... but she couldn't see how he could avoid being violent when he found out. She felt like she couldn't begrudge him that ... but at the same time she didn't want Jim to hurt Josh. Not only for Josh's sake but for Jim's too. He'd have to live with whatever he did to one of his best friends for the rest of his life. It didn't matter if it was justified. Suddenly she didn't want Jim to know about Paula. It was probably another sign of the questionable path she was going down but Jessica saw no point in him knowing. It wouldn't bring Paula back.

"I don't think you should tell Jimmy about Paula." Jessica said.

"I won't. Not until things are good with Angus and Riley. Once you're safe I will face the judgment I deserve."

Jessica shivered at the mention of Angus and Riley. Josh said he wouldn't let Angus or Riley hurt her anymore. What did that mean? She knew he argued with them about her already. Him, Jim and Scott. And she knew Angus was ready to attack them all the time. How could Josh possibly get them to stop hurting her without getting himself beaten up? Her only consolation was that if Josh was going to wait until Angus and Riley treated her like a girlfriend there was a long way to go before Jessica had to worry about Josh telling Jim about Paula. Suddenly Jessica felt an incredible need to ride. To take Chestnut and ride full speed through the property, jump the river, and go until this feeling of impending doom left her. Maybe if she and Josh got cleaned up before Jim and Scott came back, they could go for a ride before it got dark.

"Let's go for a shower." Jessica finally suggested when it was clear Josh was waiting for her to say something. Standing, he swept his arm toward the barn door, ""After you ..." he said, "Please."

"Okay ..." Jessica said bewildered by the return of Josh's calm expression, tone. It was almost sugary sweet.

Jessica stepped past him and headed for the house. Looking back, she saw Josh pull his shirt on and begin to follow her, but not like he normally did ... One hand on her arm ... or a step immediately behind her. Instead he'd waited for her to take two or three steps, and then he fell in behind her, the same calm expression on his face ... a half smile glued to his lips. When they reached the house Josh jogged past her, up the porch stairs to the door and held it open for her.

"Please ..." he said, sweeping his hand toward the door when Jessica had stopped in front of him, confused. Jessica stepped through the door and stopped in the living room. Josh followed her in, directly behind her, and stopped two paces behind her. He stood quietly waiting.

There was the sound of a car pulling into the driveway outside.

Jim and Scott came in the front door, Jim carrying several bags. When they saw Jessica and Josh's posture and the look of worry on Jessica's face they swept the room with their eyes. Scott locked the door as Jim went to the gun rack. Tossing a gun to Scott he took another for Josh and both Scott and Jim stalked toward Jessica and Josh.

"What's wrong?" Jim hissed. He and Scott exchanged a look. Jessica looked terrified, but Josh looked relaxed and that confused the shit out of them.

Jessica moved closer to Jim and Scott and whispered, "Something is wrong with Josh."

Jim and Scott looked Josh over. Despite never taking his eyes off Jessica he seemed okay.

"He's fine." Jim said.

Jessica was shaking her head. "No ... no he's not. I think he may have ... cracked."

Jim and Scott swung their eyes back to Josh and immediately saw what Jessica meant. Something was different about Josh ... something was very, very different. He looked at peace. And he looked happy. But not in a good way. Not in a normal way.

"What happened, exactly?" Scott asked.

"He feels guilty ..." Jessica said.

"About what he did to you?"

"That's part of it ..." Jessica replied.

"Well, I can understand that. I'd feel guilty too." Jim said.

"But now he's different." Jessica said.

"Well. You let him off the hook for that right? Of course he's different now ... he must be relieved ." Scott replied but he had to admit that Josh's unwavering focus on Jessica with no acknowledgement of his or Jim's presence was alarming.

Jessica studied Josh again. Maybe it was a blip, an aberration ... maybe he was back to normal again.

Josh smiled at her, with the same serene smile he'd had earlier.

"Wanna see the shoes I bought for you?" Jim asked.

"Sure!" Jessica exclaimed, the excitement distracting her momentarily. They moved to the sofa ... Josh two steps behind Jessica. Guns returned to the rack, Jim passed Jessica the runners.

"They're beautiful!" Jessica exclaimed looking at the running shoes that were so obviously meant for females. And then at the riding boots, that also were obviously feminine. She was so tired of wearing mens' shoes.

"Try them on," Jim said.

And then it happened. No sooner had Jessica sat on the sofa then Josh was on his knees before her, sliding her runners onto her feet ... and then tying them ... and then pulling her to her feet.

Jim, Scott and Jessica stared at Josh. For his part, Josh stood quietly watching Jessica.

"I see what you mean ..." Jim finally said. "Josh ... Jessica can put her own shoes on ..."

"Is that what you want?" Josh asked Jessica.

Jessica was freaked.

"No Josh, what I want is for you to go back to being yourself ... please!"

"I'll try." Josh said, but he continued to stand there ... smiling, looking at Jessica. She looked to Jim and Scott and they looked worried too.

"It looks like Josh couldn't take the guilt ..." Scott said.

Jim was nodding but had a hard time believing Josh was so drastically altered due to his guilt. As another test Jim nodded at the sofa, "Try on the new boots Jess." And he held the shopping bag with the new boots out to her.

Before Jessica could even begin to move to the sofa, Josh had scooped her up in his arms, sat her on the sofa, untied her runners, slipped them off, slipped on her boots, and then helped her to her feet.

Jessica looked panicked as she looked between Jim and Scott, both of whom were squinting at Josh clearly deep in thought.

"He'll be okay, right?" she asked.

"I don't know." Scott replied.

"Of course he will." Jim said suddenly, as if deciding something. "He's protecting himself Jessica. If you let him ... cater to you ... then you're helping him. He needs to make amends before he can move on. I've seen it before ... once."

He didn't go on to mention that the particular incident he was thinking of had ended in suicide. And that Josh was going to have to be watched very closely.

Scott looked at Jim.