Maya - The Novel

"Fine." I rolled my eyes and settled onto the lounger again, feeling the calming burn of the whiskey settle in my stomach. "You wanna get some take-out?"

"Hell, yes."

"And maybe watch something stupid on Netflix?"

"I'm in."

We shared a smile. I couldn't remember the last time I'd made a new friend.

"You know what I could use right now?" Alex said twenty minutes into some garbage but oddly entertaining Netflix show about a recovering mole woman.

"What?" I asked, my mouth full of Cheetos.

"One of Maya's cupcakes. Actually, not the whole cupcake. Just the icing." She made a sound of pleasure deep in her throat.

"You better be talking about actual cupcakes," I snarked, taking a sip of whiskey.

Alex only rolled her eyes. "You wanna give her a call? Say hi?"

I hesitated. "I usually wait for her to call since she's home and everything."

"Screw it. I'm calling." She was already trying to unlock her phone with Cheeto fingers.

"Hol' up, hol' up," I said, tossing back the rest of the glass before plopping down on the couch next to her.

The video call rang a good few times before Maya answered. The look on her face was one of confusion.

"What have you guys been up to?" she asked, suspicious.

"Nothing," we chorused. Alex hiccupped.

"I miss you." The words just slipped out. I hadn't even known they'd been queued on the tip of my tongue.

Maya's face softened. She was lying in bed, her face devoid of make-up. It occurred to me that it was probably only eight in the morning in Singapore as she rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand.

"I miss you too, baby." She smiled. Just those simple words, uttered so casually, hit a chord in me. This. This was hella worth fighting for. Sure, things could get difficult. But I wasn't gonna give up that easily.

"How many chins do I have from this angle?" she asked, squinting at the screen.

"Just the normal amount," I said. "Alex just came by my place for a chat. You know anything about that?"

With one hand holding her phone up, Alex still managed to stuff her face with Cheetos, watching the conversation playing out in front of her.

"Umm..." Maya hedged. "Maybe a little. I was concerned about you, Gray. And, you know, Alex had nothing better to do."

"Oi!" Alex interjected, sending Cheeto dust flying with a wave of her finger. "I can assure you that my time is very valuable."

"Dude!" I warned, wiping errant Cheeto dust off my arm.

Maya rolled her eyes. "I'm just glad the two of you are getting along. Although I'm assuming there's a fair bit of alcohol involved in this newfound friendship?"

"No," Alex and I chorused again. I winced.

"Right." Maya wasn't convinced. "Anyway, maybe we should all hang out once I'm back. A double date or something. How's Cady?"

"Okay," I said at the same time Alex said, "Sure. She's with Charm tonight."

"Oof," Maya winced. "Things haven't gotten better?"

My brows rose at the hint of drama. "Who's Charm?"

"Cady's best friend since forever. They went to school together," Maya supplied. Alex only rolled her eyes. "Alex and Charm really don't get along."

I turned to Alex. "Why?"

"Trust me. I don't have a problem with her. But she hasn't liked me from the start. Cady doesn't see it, though. So I'm not saying anything until she realizes it's an actual problem."

"Smart," I commented. "Don't borrow trouble until it actually falls into your lap."

"Also," Maya continued. "Alex missed out the part where she's insanely jealous of Charm."

"I am not!" Alex was highly defensive, which probably meant there was some truth in Maya's statement.

"Yes, you are, Alex. Don't try to deny it. I know you better than anyone. You're jealous that Charm and Cady have such a deep connection and that someone Cady cares for doesn't really like you. You feel left out."

"Whatever," Alex murmured under her breath.

Maya pursed her lips. "Don't 'whatever' me. I'm older and wiser, remember?"

"Older, maybe," Alex conceded with no grace whatsoever.

"And," Maya wasn't done. "It doesn't help that Charm is, like, the poster boy for androgyny. Seriously, Gray, you have to meet this woman. Her cheekbones can cut glass."

"So she's gorgeous, huh?" I must've had a funny look on my face because Maya followed up with, "But you know I only have eyes for you, baby."

Alex groaned. "Thanks, guys. This conversation is really helping with my problems."

"You don't have a problem, Alex," I said, turning back to her. "Not yet, anyway. Sure, there might be some tension between you and this Charm person but it's not something you can't put up with for the woman you love. It's not gonna be a problem until either of you does something to bring it to Cady's attention. Don't be the one to do that."

"Fine," Alex grouched.

"Or," I continued. "If it's really bothering you, just go straight to Charm and ask her if everything's cool between you two. But choose your words carefully 'cause you know that whatever you say will more than likely be reported back to Cady."

"See what I mean, Alex?" Maya's voice came through the phone. "I told you it would be good for the two of you to talk."

"Thanks, mom." Alex wasn't too happy about receiving advice. She excused herself to the restroom shortly after.

"So what're you up to today?" I asked, leaning into the overstuffed couch.

"Well, I spent the whole day in bed yesterday so I suppose I'll have to meet up with a few friends today."

"Sounds fun."

"But I really miss you, though." Her voice had dropped to that tell-tale pitch.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Mm-hmm." Her free hand tugged at the v-neck of her cotton tee, revealing a nice amount of cleavage. Vivid memories of their feel and scent invaded my mind. Damn if my mouth didn't water.

"Are you teasing me with what I can't have?"

"It's only another seven days, baby."

"I can't live that long without them... I mean you."

She laughed. "Nice save."

"Now give me a little peek."

"Oh gross." Alex's voice carried across the room. "I was gone for, like, a minute! Keep it in your panties please."

Maya giggled, her face turning a lovely shade of pink. She gave me a conspiratorial wink while apologizing to Alex for violating her phone. We made plans to FaceTime the next day before she hung up with a kiss.

"You all right?" I asked Alex as she settled into the couch again.

"Yeah, all good. It's nice to see Maya happy."

I returned her phone. "I'm glad I make her happy."

Alex took a breath like she wanted to say something more but looked away instead.

"What?" I asked.

She shook her head. "How about we get wasted and finish that show?"

I paused for a second, wondering if I should question her silence. Then, deciding against it, I simply said "Sure" and refilled our drinks.

#

Chapter 12

We had dinner and drinks with Alex and Cady a week after Maya flew back to New York. Maya's mother was visiting her sister in Philadelphia again and we had the whole weekend to ourselves - the perfect excuse to do nothing but lounge around in our underwear after the double date.

When we got back to my apartment after way too many drinks, my whole plan involved getting Maya naked and in bed. Maya seemed to have the same idea; the moment I shut the front door, she slipped her jacket and scarf off, revealing the little black dress she wore underneath. The effect of that lace-trimmed number hadn't worn off over dinner. As she walked towards me, I felt desire spike sharply in my belly.

"You're gonna kill me with that dress." I reached out and pulled her close, burying my nose in her loose curls.

"Good. I have five more just like it," she said with a giggle.

"Cheeky, aren't you?" My fingers dug into her hips.

She made a little noise at the contact and looked up at me, eyes wide. I wonder if she knew I'd do anything for her if she looked at me that way.

"Come here," she said, reaching up to cup the nape of my neck. In her heels, she didn't have to reach far to find my lips.

I let her kiss me, her lips soft and seeking. She tasted like white wine and the chocolate dessert we'd shared. I felt a growl at the base of my throat as she slid her tongue against my bottom lip.

"I love it when you do that," she said, tugging at the buttons of my black shirt.

"What?" My fingers reached up to help her - anything to hasten the process of feeling her skin against mine.

"Growl in your throat like that. It's so... primal."

She was getting a little breathless as my shirt came undone, her fingers hastening to unzip my binder. I hid a smile of contentment as I watched the woman I wanted more than anything in the world want me right back.

I reached behind her and unzipped her dress in one quick tug, running my hand down the smooth skin of her back and over the generous curve of her ass.

"You trust me?" I asked her.

She nodded.

I slid an arm under her knees and swung her into my arms. She gasped and threw her arms around my neck.

When I placed her in the center of my bed, she flipped her heels off and watched intently as I removed each article of clothing painfully slowly. When I started on the button of my black jeans, she licked her lips, her gaze unwavering.

"I need you, baby," she breathed and I was powerless to deny her anything.

*

Later that night, when I exited the shower, Maya was seated on the edge of the bed, wrapped tightly in my oversized bathrobe. Her wet hair was coiled in a towel turban.

"I feel like a potato," she said as I dried off.

I tried my very best not to laugh at that analogy. But it was hard. "Well, then you're the sexiest potato I've ever eaten."

That made her smile. The first few bars of Usher's "U Got it Bad" came through from the speakers in the living area. Very apt.

"You should never wear clothes," Maya commented as I plugged in the hairdryer.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror - not too shabby, even if I do say so myself. At least everything was still in its place at thirty-two.

Maya came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. She smiled at me in the reflection of the mirror.

"Beautiful," she said, running her hands appreciatively over the toothy, angry bear tattooed on my stomach (his name's Eddie, for future reference).

"Not as beautiful as my potato," I joked, setting the hairdryer down so I could wrap myself around her.

"Stop." She laughed lightly as she cuddled close, still watching our reflection.

I slipped the makeshift turban off her head; her curls fell around us, damp and smelling like my Toni & Guy shampoo. She made a sound of contentment as I kissed her forehead.

"I love you, baby."

I hadn't meant to say it - no, wait, I had. I'd been thinking about it for weeks, maybe months. Oh god. Who was I kidding? She'd had my heart the moment she said she'd take care of me.

But I'd wanted to save it for a special moment. I guess this was it, while we were both half damp and still tingling from the wine we had at dinner. What's wrong with me?!

Her eyes widened and she turned to face me, probably trying to read if I meant what I said. So I said it again.

The tip of her nose started turning red a second before her eyes welled with tears. Okay, so not what I'd expected.

She laid her forehead against my chest and took several deep breaths.

"Maya?"

"I'm okay." Her voice was muffled against my skin.

"Then why are you crying, baby?"

She sniffled. "I'm not crying. You are."

I rolled my eyes and held her close as she gathered herself. When she finally looked up at me, I wiped away the tear tracks with my fingers.

"I never thought I'd hear you say those words, Gray," she confessed, her voice thick. "I love you, too. More than you can imagine."

The coil of anxiety that had spiraled into a tight knot in my stomach began to unravel at her words. Relief was an understatement. I hadn't realized how afraid I'd been that she wouldn't return my feelings.

And, maybe, deep down, I'd known all along how we felt about each other. No one else had the ability to look into my soul like Maya did.

"I love you so much," she repeated, pulling me down for a lengthy kiss. I smiled against her lips; nothing could have made me a happier woman.

#

Chapter 13

Happiness is such a fleeting thing. I had exactly 56 hours and 39 minutes of it. Yes, I counted every moment. I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt like everything in my life was exactly where it should be.

Well, so much for that.

I was opening the shop on Monday morning after my weekend with Maya when I got a call from Alex. We'd made plans to work out together later that day so it didn't seem like a big deal that she was calling.

I sandwiched my phone between cheek and shoulder as I worked the padlock on the shopfront.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked, leaning over to flip the shutters up.

"I'm at the University Hospital - you know where that is?"

Panic made my fingers immobile for a second.

"Yeah. What happened?"

"I can't explain over the phone but can you come down right now?"

"Is it Maya?" I had to force my lips to say those words.

"Yeah. She's... she's alive. But I think you should be here. I'll text you the details."

I stood on the sidewalk, staring at my phone, blinking. Waiting for the text. She's alive? She's ALIVE? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

My mind raced to last night. I'd walked Maya back to her apartment after a three-hour dinner at my favorite sushi place. She hadn't really wanted the weekend to end but she knew her mother would be back the next day. So I'd kissed her goodbye. We'd parted. I sent her a few funny dog memes before we said goodnight a little later. And... that's it. That seemed like a normal night, right? Right?!

What could have happened in eight hours?

Mel found me staring at my phone minutes later, the shutters still half up. She laid a hand on my arm and I pulled away, thrusting the set of keys into her hand. She was saying something but I couldn't hear over the ringing in my ears. I couldn't breathe as I waited for my phone to buzz.

And then it did.

Fourth Floor, Ward 11.

I ran the whole way. It was fourteen blocks but I made it there in under fifteen minutes. The medical staff yelled at me to slow down as I pushed past the crowd in the lobby and rushed for the elevator.

Alex met me in the hallway; she'd been sitting in one of those plastic waiting room chairs with her head in her hands. Seeing her like that made my heart seize. I suddenly didn't want to know. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to go back to last night.

"Gray, it's this way." Alex began walking towards the ward but I couldn't move. Or maybe I was moving backwards. I didn't know. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see my baby in a hospital with tubes sticking out of her or whatever.

"Gray, hey." Alex turned on her heel and waved a hand in front of my face.

"I can't." I didn't recognize my voice.

Alex grasped my shoulders and shook me a little. "Yes, you can. She's alive, okay? That's what's important."

"I... Was it an accident?"

"No."

Before I could say anything else, Alex steered me to the ward.

I can't remember the last time I prayed. Maybe when Mama had been alive and she'd make me say prayers before bed. I couldn't even remember the words.

But as I followed Alex into the tiny grey room, I prayed. I prayed that Alex was right, that Maya was okay. I prayed that if things weren't okay, I could fix them. I couldn't even remember the words I said. It was just a start of an old prayer Mama used to make me repeat.

Dio te salve, Maria. Dio te salve, Maria. Dio te salve, Maria.

My eyes honed in on the prone form on the bed. Maya looked... fine. Peaceful. Like she was just sleeping. Her cheeks were flushed and there was an IV tube taped to the back of her hand but otherwise, she looked fine, tucked away tightly in the hospital sheets.

"Some good news," the hefty blonde nurse said as we walked in. I hadn't even noticed she was there. "Her color has returned after we pumped out the rest of the pills. She's going to be fine. She just needs plenty of rest for now. The doctor will be in to see her shortly and someone needs to be with her 24/7. If that's a problem, let me know now and I'll assign a staff member. Now, who can fill out some forms for me?"

Alex volunteered, leaving me alone with Maya. Her breathing was so faint. I could barely hear it over the hum of the heater. I leaned in close, placing my ear next to her mouth, and just stood there, listening to her breath whistle in and out.

Why, baby?

The nurse had said pills. What kind? Why did she have them? How many did she take? Why?! Why would she even want to...?

I wanted to believe it wasn't me. But nothing else seemed to add up. Nothing had changed recently except me telling her that I loved her.

I ran a hand over her forehead, letting it rest there as though it would provide an insight into what was going through her mind.

"Why, babygirl?" I asked aloud.

She stirred, rubbing her forehead against my palm, but didn't wake.

I wasn't sure how much time passed before Alex re-entered the room and took a seat on one of the spare chairs. She'd rolled up her sleeves but the flannel shirt she wore was creased to hell. Her eyes were red-rimmed.

"You gotta tell me something, Alex." My voice was loud in the quiet room.

She ran her hands over her cheeks and took a deep breath. "Fine," she said, her tone withdrawn.

"Maya called me this morning at about six a.m. She said she'd taken a bunch of sleeping pills and she wanted to tell me she loved me and she was so happy that everything worked out for Cady and I. She kept going on about that. I can't remember what I said - I was freaked - but I managed to convince her to throw them up. By then, it had already been some time.

"I called 911. She was barely conscious when they got there. Thank god I told her to unlock the front door before I lost her on the phone. They pumped her stomach soon after."

My lips were numb when I said: "I walked her home at midnight. What happened?"

"Gray," Alex said softly. "It's not your fault, okay? None of this is."

"I told her I loved her." For the first time in a long time, I felt the burn of tears in my eyes. I had a few pieces of the puzzle now but nothing seemed to fit. Was I angry? Was I sad? No. I felt helpless.

"She told me." Alex's smile was genuine but tired.

"Did she... do this because...?"

"No." Alex was quick to interject. Then she sighed long and hard. "Look, it's not my place to say this, okay? But I know you're hurting and you need to understand. Maya has MDD - it's-"

"Major Depressive Disorder," I said quietly. I closed my eyes against the pain of pieces coming together. "Has Maya done this before?"

Alex nodded. "Once, when she was fourteen, before she was diagnosed."

I picked up Maya's prone hand, hoping I could transfer some of my strength to her. How had she hidden all of this from me? How could I not have seen through it? Had there been signs? I wracked my brain. Had she tried to tell me? I couldn't come up with anything. To even consider... suicide... she must've been in so much pain. Why didn't she feel like she could talk to me?

"She's been on medication for it? I didn't see her take any when she was with me."

Alex nodded. "She was doing well for almost ten years. But it was very stressful for her. MDD, it's like a brain imbalance, but her family doesn't believe it's an illness."