Maya - The Novel

"What do you mean?" I asked, threading Maya's fingers through mine, wishing she would squeeze back like she usually did.

"Her family... they don't acknowledge that she's - how should I put it - neuro-atypical. They don't believe in mental illness."

My brows furrowed. "I don't get it - why don't they believe in it?"

Alex threaded her fingers through her hair, frustration evident in her movements. "See, that's the problem."

Her voice was a near shout.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell." She took a deep, calming breath and pinched the bridge of her nose. "You're not - you can't see things like we do, Gray. You don't understand."

"Tell me, then," I challenged. "Tell me what the fuck it is I don't understand."

"You don't get what it's like in our society. Mental illness, it's a taboo thing. People don't believe in it. If you're sad, just go for a run to de-stress. If you're 'depressed', just man up and pull yourself together." She paused. "And there's really no such thing as 'coming out'. We can't just do it. We can't just 'be gay'."

I raised an eyebrow. "You think I don't know how hard it is for some people to be out?"

"Not in an Asian society, no, Gray, I don't think you do. I lost my whole goddamn family. You think I want that for Maya?"

I bit my lip and looked down at Maya, her chest rising and falling in perfect rhythm. I was thankful she was unaware of the conversation.

"So what do you want me to do? What can I do?"

Alex sighed and collapsed into the chair. "I don't have the answers, Gray. It's not my life."

I wished I could sock her. But I had to remind myself that none of this was Alex's fault. She was caught in the situation that, technically, had nothing to do with her. I was more than grateful she'd been there for Maya. But at the same time, I hated what she was telling me.

"Look, just wait for her to wake up. Ask her for the truth. All of it."

I swallowed. "How bad is it?"

Alex simply shook her head. "It won't be easy. But I think you can take it. You're a big girl."

Really? I wanted to ask. Cause I felt like a toddler still learning to walk.

"I got her stuff." We turned as Cady walked briskly into the room, a bright pink overnight bag in her hand. "How's she doing? What did the doctor say?"

"The nurse was in here earlier. Maya just needs to rest and she'll be just fine," Alex said, taking the bag from Cady.

"Oh, thank god." Cady's relief was palpable. She made her way to the other side of the narrow bed. "Did you hear that, hon? You'll be just fine. All you need is some rest."

She held Maya's hand and squeezed her fingers in a gesture of comfort. I just stared blankly out the window, still trying to put the pieces together.

"Gray, you all right?"

Cady looked up at me, her eyes full of worry.

"No."

I didn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it did. But I couldn't seem to control the riot of emotions whirling through me. I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself.

"Why don't you sit down?" she offered, gesturing to the chair behind me.

I shook my head.

"I'm gonna head home for a quick shower then," Cady said, still holding Maya's hand.

"I need a change of clothes," Alex said as she stood up, brushing off the flannel.

"You guys go ahead. I'll be here."

They gathered their things to leave. "Hey, wait. Could you please do me a favor?"

"Sure," Cady said, shrugging on her coat.

"In my apartment, there's a black box I keep in the little drawer under my coffee table. Could you please get it for me? My receptionist has the keys."

"Sure, Gray." Cady reached up to give me a hug. "Hang in there. We'll be back soon."

Alex patted me on the arm.

I almost crumbled when they left, my hand still intertwined with Maya's. I quickly swiped at the tears on my cheeks and took a steadying breath.

Please, baby. Please wake up.

#

Chapter 14

She shot straight up in bed just after four in the afternoon, gasping and out of breath. I was by her side in a second, holding her as she shook violently. She held on tight, her eyes closed, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes.

"It's gonna be all right, baby," I said repeatedly, rocking her a little, trying to help her calm down.

She shook her head even as she clung to me. The blood pressure monitor beeped wildly as she got more and more worked up with whatever was going through her head.

"Baby," I said, grasping the nape of her neck. "Look at me. Look at me," I repeated when she didn't. Her eyes snapped to mine. Scared, full of guilt.

"Take a deep breath with me, okay?"

She nodded, still shaking. She mimicked my breathing, or tried to as best as she could before she saw the IV taped to her hand.

"Gray, get it off me, please. I don't like needles. Please."

"Maya." I tried to make my voice as calming as possible. "It's not a needle, okay? It's just a piece of plastic. You're on your third drip already. You need this, baby."

"But I don't want it. Please, Gray. I can't..."

She buried her face in my stomach and cried. I swallowed, my heart breaking as I watched the woman I loved fall to pieces. I held her, telling her that it was going to be okay, stroking her hair and reminding her that I was there for her, no matter what it was.

Minutes later, she pulled back, her face streaked with tears.

"I need to go."

"What?" I asked, brows furrowed.

In a quick move, she ripped the IV from her hand hopped off the other side of the narrow hospital bed. A trail of blood stained the pristine sheets.

"Maya!"

I rushed over to her as she hit the floor, unbalanced and dizzy. I helped her up and she clung to me, repeating that she was fine.

"I need to go, Gray."

"Where, Maya? Where are you gonna go like this?"

Her eyes filled with tears again. "Anywhere. Take me anywhere, Gray. I don't want to be here."

"Maya, you can't. Let me get the doctor."

"If you get them, they won't let me leave until I agree to psychiatric care. But I need to go now, Gray. I don't want to be here. Please, please, please."

She should stay. She should stay and get help for whatever demons she was harboring. But she pleaded with me again, desperate and weak. I was only human.

I helped her into her underwear and a simple red dress. She sat on the edge of the bed and slipped on a pair of flats that Cady had packed for her. Taking a deep breath, she twisted her hair into a knot.

"Let's go," she said, getting to her feet. She was steadier this time, determined, even as her hands shook.

"Promise me something, Maya," I said, reluctantly sliding her travel bag onto my shoulder.

She nodded.

"Promise me that you'll see a therapist."

She nodded again.

"Say the words." I wasn't gonna let it go.

"I promise, I promise. Let's just go."

I walked closely behind her, ready to catch her if she fell. She walked steadily now but none of this felt right. She should stay and get the help she needed. Instead, I was helping her leave the hospital. Why? Because she'd asked me to? Begged?

We didn't have any trouble leaving. The hospital staff were too busy to even look up as we walked through the front doors. I'd hoped someone would question us and take the decision (and guilt) out of my hands.

The security guards even opened the doors for us as we left. Maya was on her phone, booking us an Uber. I desperately wanted to pick her up, throw her over my shoulder and walk back into the hospital. It was the right thing to do. Although she seemed to be fine, seeming fine and being fine were two different things. I knew only too well.

When the Uber took us past the University, I asked Maya where we were headed. She hadn't said a word so far, choosing instead to look out the window of the car. For once, her eyes didn't betray what she was thinking. Or maybe I just couldn't read her anymore. And that worried me. A lot.

I'd assumed she was coming home with me where I could keep an eye on her. Where we could talk. We really needed to talk.

She looked down at her fingers. "Upstate somewhere. The Fish and Pike Inn. I looked it up last night when I... I wanted to be away when I..."

I picked up the hand she had placed on her lap and gave it a squeeze. She didn't have to finish that thought; I didn't want her to finish it. I don't think I could handle the mental image of her lying unconscious (or the other thing) in an inn somewhere. My chest tightened as I felt the familiar coiling of anxiety form a hardened cement wall around my sternum.

Maya shifted over in the backseat and laid her head on my shoulder. I pulled her close, trying to calm my breathing by inhaling her familiar scent. I breathed in and out, counting to ten and then repeating the cycle. Just like Jean had taught me when I had faced my own demons. I wondered what Maya's were; I wondered if I could fight them for her.

I let her have her space once we got to the inn almost an hour later. The receptionist checked us in with minimal hassle even though we didn't have reservations. It was a fairly nice place with a collection of cottage-esque apartments. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen so much open space or so much green. Maybe in a postcard or something. Certainly never in New York.

The inn was lovely and extremely picturesque. The pathways were lined with cobblestones. Waist-high bushes formed an armor around each front gate. No one would be able to see into the large front windows - it was a good place if you didn't want anyone to see what you were doing. Or if you wanted to kill yourself.

She settled into the brown brocade couch once the bellboy shut the door, her withdrawn form so small against the upholstery that I felt my heart crumble. I told myself not to stare, that she probably needed some time to herself. Instead, I busied myself by ordering something to eat and filling the kettle to brew some sweet tea.

When I sat on the end of the couch with a steaming mug - something easy on her tummy after the trauma of last night - she didn't move. I placed a hand on her calf and she jerked as though she'd forgotten I was there.

She stared at me for the longest time, her bottom lip quivering as though she was about to cry. I set the mug aside and held my arm out. She curled herself into my side and rested her head on my shoulder. The position, one in which we'd watched Netflix countless times, was so heartbreakingly familiar that, for a moment, I felt everything would be okay.

"You're a good person, Gray."

I said nothing but pulled her closer, catching her tears on my shirtsleeve.

Her voice was a whisper. "But I'm not. I'm a liar."

I knew she felt me tense but she didn't look up. Instead, her eyes focused on the small blank TV screen in front of us. It mirrored a deceptively sweet image of a couple cuddling on the couch.

"Tell me," I said simply.

She was silent for a while. Every few seconds, I'd hear her take a deep breath and then swallow hard. I tried not to squirm from the nerves but it was hard.

"Before I say anything," she began, her voice soft, "please remember that I love you. I wish I could say I wouldn't have done what I did but I'm too selfish for that."

I pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I love you, too, baby."

She worried her thumbnail. "I wanted to be happy. For a while, I was happy. With you."

"Me too, baby. I still am."

She shook her head. "You can't be happy. I'm a liar. I lied to you; I lied to my family. I even lied to myself. I'm really good at that."

"What did you lie about? Whatever it is, I'll help you fix it."

Her bottom lip quivered again. "Oh god, you're such a good person. You don't deserve me. You can't fix it, Gray. It's a mess. I'm a mess."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"I'm engaged."

#

Chapter 15

For a moment, I went deaf. The ringing in my ears overtook everything else and I sat forward abruptly. I didn't have to look at my reflection in the TV to know that the blood had drained from my face.

I stood and moved away, trying to find some semblance of balance. Engaged? Engaged? My Maya? The words simply didn't compute.

I couldn't breathe. I slapped my hands on the writing desk in the corner, trying to get a decent breath.

I felt hands on my back but I pushed them away, needing space. Needing to be away. Oh god. I couldn't even begin to... my Maya, belonging to someone else... the image of her with another woman... I felt my hands tremble as I swept the hair out of my face.

Impossible. She was everything that was innocent. No one could fake that, can they? She was the purest person with the sweetest heart. She was incapable of doing something like this. Right? Right?!

But she was telling the truth. I could see it in her face, the way she feared my reaction. I heard it in her voice. She didn't want to tell me this. She had to.

Fuck.

"Please, please, please just listen to me."

The ringing subsided but I still heard her voice as though it were from afar, even though she was standing just a few feet away.

I felt my lips move. I don't think I even processed what I was saying. "What is there to talk about?"

She faltered for a moment, tears puddling on her dress, the stains dark against the cheerful red.

"I didn't want to be. I had to," she said quietly.

"What the fuck does that mean?!" I hadn't meant to raise my voice. Or maybe I had. I didn't really know. She recoiled from my words but didn't move away.

"It's an arranged marriage, okay? I don't even really know the guy. We've been on a few dates, that's it."

I blinked.

And then it hit me. Alex was right. I didn't know anything about their world. I just stared at the woman I'd thought was my world, watching her crumbling, watching my world crumbling. Feeling it crumbling.

"Gray, I know I messed up, okay? I know I did. But I don't want to lose you. I just can't lose you. Please..."

She tentatively placed her arms around my waist and I stood there, my hands curled into fists, feeling her tears wet my chest. She held onto me as though I were her last hope, her last chance for happiness. And maybe I was.

I had very little mental clarity. And so many questions I was almost choking on them. I shut my eyes as she sobbed, wondering what the hell had happened to my perfect-ish life of twenty-four hours ago.

"You should get some rest." I know the words came from me but I didn't even feel my lips move.

She shook her head, still buried against my chest. I needed time to think. I couldn't process anything with the sound of her crying.

"Don't push me away." Her words were barely audible. I swallowed, realizing that I'd wanted to do exactly that so I could wrangle free of this madness for a while. "Just sit down, please."

I let her coax me back to the couch but I kept to my end of it. She wiped her nose with a tissue. She looked defeated; her eyebags were stark against her skin and her lips were tightly drawn. Sick - she looked sick and tired. I'd never seen my girl look this way.

"This is the biggest mistake I've ever made," she said, looking down at her crossed legs. "But I'd make it again if had to."

"You're talking about me? I'm a mistake?" I knew I was picking up the wrong things but I couldn't help myself. I felt on edge, the little pockets of anger I'd set aside for years welling inside me like a storm.

"No, Gray. No, please don't think that. I'm talking about what I did. Asking you out, trying to seduce you on our first date. I started this. So I thought I could end... end everything... it if I just stopped... being."

I ran a hand through my hair. "You would've let me live with the doubt that my love drove you to death?"

"No!" She swiped at her eyes again. "I didn't think of it that way."

Her smile was sad. "It wasn't supposed to be this way. I thought I was being so smart. But I was insanely stupid."

She took a deep breath.

"On that first night, I told you I wanted you when we first met."

"Yeah."

"I wanted you because you were everything I couldn't have but needed so desperately. We met just a couple of weeks after my... engagement." The last word was almost a whisper. "And I was so, so unhappy. I wasn't in a good place, mentally. I just didn't want to exist in a world where no one cared to listen to me."

She was silent for a while. I said nothing but my jaw couldn't possibly clench any tighter.

"My parents know I'm gay. They know I have -" she choked on the word, "MDD. But they deny both. They just want to get me married off so I'll stop being a burden with all these issues they can't or won't deal with. Marriage is like duct tape to them - it solves everything. People will stop talking about their 'crazy daughter' if I settled down and appeared normal.

"And I'd resigned myself to that. Completely. I was down the darkest hole you can possibly imagine. Where everything just happened around me and I was just in the middle of things, existing. When I met you, it was the first time I'd felt alive in a long, long time."

I felt tears on my cheeks but didn't wipe them away.

"You have a bit of a reputation with the ladies. Always unavailable is what Charm said. She knows who you are through a friend of a friend. So, in your words, I thought you were a safe bet for-"

"A one-night stand?" I asked between clenched teeth.

She nodded, looking down, ashamed. "I thought if I could just feel what it meant to be with someone I really wanted, I could get on with life. Just once, I wanted to do something for me. I wanted to live. But I hadn't counted on you, Gray.

"I knew I loved you that first night when you touched my scarred body and called me beautiful. The moment you encouraged me to do the things I'd been told not to do my whole life. The moment you kissed my forehead and said goodnight when you thought I'd fallen asleep."

I closed my eyes in an attempt to fight the tears. I knew exactly what she meant. I hadn't meant to fall so hard and so deep so quickly.

In all the pain her words caused, there was one thing I knew for certain: I loved Maya. Despite whatever fucked up twist of fate had led us together, I loved her. She'd lied to me but that pain was disintegrating more quickly than I'd expected, leaving only an intense need to claim what was mine.

As she dabbed at the constant flow of tears, the doorbell rang. I'd completely forgotten about the food I'd ordered but my legs wouldn't move.

"I'll get it," Maya offered, wiping her nose clean once again. She dug through her travel bag for her purse to tip the bellboy who brought a large tray into the room. I stared ahead, out the large bay windows and into the bushes around the little cottage.

As she flipped her wallet open, something small fell out of it with a sharp clink on the tile. It rolled to the edge of the thick carpet. I could barely make it out in the dimly lit room but it looked like a ring. A diamond ring winking in the low light.

Maya didn't move. She watched me staring unblinkingly at it.

I stood and picked the ring off the floor, inspecting it under the lamplight. A square cut diamond, probably two carats, surrounded by little ruby stones. It was huge. Beautiful.

It almost made me smile.

The ring confirmed one thing - whoever this dude was didn't know Maya very well. Big and flashy was the opposite of my girl. She'd hate this monstrosity.

"I'll just leave the tip," the bellboy said. He seemed nervous. I wondered how palpable the tension was in the room.

"No," I said, looking straight at him. He couldn't be more than eighteen, probably working a summer job before college. Maybe even saving up for it. "Take this."