Pink Pearl

"I found an old porno tape at a friends house, and I took it. Stole it. It's the only porno I've ever seen. It's a bunch of home scenes, all put together on a tape each one is short, with this big thing in the middle called 'Gang Fuck Debutantes.'"

I didn't know where to look. She noticed my discomfort. "Still want to listen? Like you said."

"Yes." My voice sounded uncomfortable and distant.

"The scenarios are stupid, no plot. There are a few scenes though I really liked, and I started to watch AND masturbate. I went back to this friends house to see if I could find any more. And thinking the whole time how out of control this was. How crazy digging through their house when no one was looking. The pleasure was controlling my life. How wrong it was. I know. I found no more tapes, but I did find a magazine next filled with all these true life erotic stories that people had written. I became so enthralled with them. This was pure fantasy, better than a video. I'd sit there and read them and lose track of time. I loved them. I could imagine it in my mind, so much better than watching anything. So I'd read a bunch of stories until I was just aching, and do like I told you before: prop my legs up and have at it. I like to arch my back a little. Just how I did the other day. YOU know." She caught my gaze, smiled an angry smile.

"I also started to masturbate in the swimming pool at school, which was risky to say the least. After school. The water again, only in the pool there are jets, at the sides. There's this one spot on it that has a jet that comes out really fast and hard, and I can turn it at the perfect angle.... yum. I can hang on the side of the pool like I'm just resting and totally get off. So I guess I'm a water baby. I love the water more than anything, it's just a different feeling than my fingers."

"And . . . Remember when we all went camping in August. I brought along some of those stories in my backpack and in the evening while everyone lay in their sleeping bags. . . I was sooo wet and turned on. I would touch myself, sliding my fingers inside, pulling them out. Then again, and the best part was trying to stay quiet, no one ever knew. We all lay there in the tent and I was masturbating the whole time, just two feet away from you." My heart was racing, remembering, thinking of what she was doing.

"But, this hunger just keeps getting stronger, and when I want it to go away it won't. That is when I started to worry. The more I try not to, the more I wanted to. And my fantasies, all these stories. Images in my head. It has become a fire inside of me. I have perfect pictures of making out, what it would feel like to just sit on some boys lap and kiss, run my fingers over his skin, kiss his eyelids. That is what I want now, for real. Bury my face in someone's chest, and look up into their eyes, tilt my head into kiss. Just lose myself, spend all day in bed kissing, touching, learning my body with someone else. Sigh. These thoughts won't go away."

"Satisfied? That's why I didn't think I could talk about it Matthew. Turns out though you didn't even want to listen."

Her eyes welling in tears now. "You didn't care, did you? You just start touching me."

"Lisa wait. Wait. Just, don't SAY anything."

She spun at me. "Yeah. See. Precious you. Protect you."

"No, I . . ."

"See!" She left. All I heard was the door slam.

*******************

I was afraid to call now, and even more afraid what she might say.

An email came though.

Lisa88: Hi. I kind of lost it. I been thinking, and I am sorry. I should not have come over. I'm not as mad as you think I am. Don't hate me forever. No one will know, ever. It's ok. Just give me some time.

Love Lisa

I emailed back: I am so sorry. I never ever wanted to hurt you. I love you too. I am sorry you did not feel I could listen to you. I hope you have not lost your trust in me forever. I will wait.

Matthew

Lisa88: I am just very confused and I think you got in the crossfire. Thanks for understanding me. Truth. You know me better than anyone (especially now!!). Don't think I didn't like, in a way, what we did. But don't think I am an awful person either. Some things can't be explained. You have helped me, even though you might not, and I might not have let you, think so. I don't think I am making much sense. But, maybe I'll come over next week. We can talk some more. We'll see.

I been doing better. In Him, Lisa

*****************

Every so often my parents want us all to get together for dinner, and they pick a place. So mom, dad and Lisa, Mandy and I were going to meet at a restaurant together. They like old steak houses, the kind with lots of leather, dark wood and red vinyl; and this one was an out of the way, very dark and very red place. It took me a while for my eyes to adjust, and in the low light I was looking around for them. I spotted Lisa first, by herself, and my heart near exploded. This was the first time I had seen her since she came over and yelled at me. She was standing over by a crowd of people near the bar. None of us drank, but the bar was near the hostess station and there was a bit of a wait to get in. I didn't see mom or dad anywhere, Mandy was following behind me.

I took Mandy's hand as we walked through the crowd and turning back to her I said, "I found Lisa."

She nodded and followed along.

As I approached I tapped Lisa on the shoulder. "Hi," I said quickly. She turned and smiled. As our eyes met I could still see some vestige of nervousness in her, and I quickly gave her a brief hug. I don't know why, and I don't normally, but I wanted some contact and to sort of indicate to her it was ok. But the thing is, as I pressed her to me in that tiny moment, I could feel her press back. It was imperceptible and probably all in my head, but it sent this adrenaline rush through me.

She leaned back again and said, "Mom and dad are standing up there," she pointed. "They don't believe they will be able to hear when our names are called." I looked at her again, I guess trying to read her expressions, but it was blank. Normal really. Was she ok?

Lisa looked around my shoulder and smiled, "Hi Mandy."

"Where's mom and dad?" Mandy asked. Lisa pointed. Then Mandy let go my hand and said, "I need to run to the ladies room be right back." A quick panic enveloped me, and I watched Lisa look at Mandy then me, same look as mine, as she turned and walked off.

I stood by her trying to think of something to say, "Thanks for the emails." Thinking inside, what a stupid thing to say.

"What? Oh yeah." She smiled, "I'm better now."

"Good. If there's . . ."

She laughed just then, and I relaxed a little. "No. No. You've done enough, really."

In order for us to hear each other we had to lean in pretty close together, that and not being sure what she might say had me feeling very nervous. She was leaning against the wall beside me with her head turned looking at me, and I was facing her at an angle so that our feet were practically touching. I stepped to the side so we were leaning against the wall touching shoulders, and as I did that reached out my hand and lay it on the small of her back. She didn't move or even look over at me. I rubbed a small circle there softly and leaned to her again, "I'm glad that you still want to be in the same room with me."

Lisa looked over at me at that point, no reference to the fact I was just then rubbing her back and said, "I didn't know what to expect. S'ok."

"Me either," she let out a tense sigh and we both relaxed a little bit. I simply stroked her back, up to her shoulder blades and letting my hand drift lower at one point onto the back of her skirt, holding my hand over her butt, right between her hips. It felt soft, thin, light, like silk.

I can't explain it, but I wanted contact. I wanted that and I needed to know, she would let me. She did not move at all.

I squeezed her a little, rubbing my hand over her in a manner no one could see at all. My heart was pounding. Pushing the envelope. Would she stop me? I wanted to know. She did not move at all, at one point she just sort of looked at me, eyed me with a sort of 'Behave,' but she was accepting my touch.

Suddenly, she turned her head quickly saying in a low voice only I could hear, "Mandy is coming."

A warning. Not stopping me, warning me. Complicity. I stood beside her, moving a little closer to hide our contact, but my touch, my caress over her back, down to her thighs continued. Only better hidden. Our secret as we waited, even with Mandy standing right in front of us.

"I hope we don't have to wait too long, I'm hungry," Mandy said raising on tippy toe to see mom and dad. My hand running back and forth over Lisa's butt, down her thighs and back up to her waist. She simply leaned against that wall beside me, letting me.

It was not long and mom and dad called out, "They called our name." I didn't hear it. But Mandy did. I looked as they were motioning to us, and I let go.

Lisa pushed herself from the wall, looking back at me. "Lets go." Mandy took my hand.

My sister walked ahead of me and I followed, watching her walk, the sway of her hips imagining the feel of her just then, I loved the way she moved. My hands on her. Her warmth. Guilt. Somehow I had this sense that I should not have done what I had just done, but for some reason I wanted to know everything was ok. And it was something else, we had a contact now that I did not really want to lose, whether I admitted it or not. It had brought me to life somehow, and was difficult to control when I saw her. Mandy and I had never been closer, more intimate, and it made no sense.

Our table was a red vinyl booth, that wrapped around a dark oak table on three sides. We got into the booth as we had walked up to it: Mom, Dad, Lisa, Me and Mandy. Mom and Dad were on one side, and I should have sat so that it was Mandy and I on the other side, with Lisa in between. But I continued to slide so that I sat next to Lisa.

As the waitress discussed the menu, I realized that I could not even see the writing on the menus it was so dark. I had to lean forward and hold the writing under the light to see. It was darker than the entrance. We ordered some sodas and an appetizer and the waitress left. I wanted to have a wine in the worst way, something to lighten my head. My heart was pounding and all I could think about was how after so many weeks, I was sitting right next to Lisa in this dark booth.

Conversation was pleasant, mom and dad talked about what vacations they were going to go on this winter, I talked about Bible School, Mandy talked about insurance. Lisa even talked some about school and getting out and where she was thinking of going to college. The waitress returned with drinks and food, and it was during this period of commotion, ordering, menus and plates being handed around that I lay my hand over Lisa's knee. Nothing more, I simply held my hand there, covering her bare knee with my hand. At moments I would let go and drink or eat, but each time I lay it back, rubbing my fingers on her skin. The conversation continued as if nothing were happening, just this quiet intimacy between us being shared as everyone talked. She was letting me.

So . . . I began to rub her knee a little more and slide my hand up her leg. As my hand slid higher her dress moved higher with it so I was rubbing her bare thighs. I would turn just the littlest bit and look sidelong to see what she thought, if there was anything I could read in her expression. She did not acknowledge my touch at all. The whole meal was completely normal. I began to lengthen my strokes along the outside of her leg, pushing her skirt up higher and higher as I did, and simply run my hand on her legs, the outside the top, inside her thighs a little.

At some point my mom said to Lisa, "You seem to be doing better. I told you that once those tests were done you would feel fine again."

"You were right mom. Now I can worry about being accepted into college, leaving home and the rest of my life."

"It all works out, somehow," my dad piped in.

Mandy asked if she had any boyfriends. Lisa glanced my way before an answer, and demurred a "No."

At her no, I playfully squeezed her thigh.

My sister continued talking with Mandy about friends and boys and weekend parties, and the sports team. When dinner came I would let go of her only to eat a little bit, and I was not eating very fast. After what seemed like forever, I tipped my fingers so that they were running along the inside of her thigh, sliding my hand a little higher and a little higher with each stroke from her knees up the inside of her thighs.

Her skirt was loose and it moved up so lightly and easily. The fabric had to be some kind of light silk, and it was beginning to bunch up high in her lap. I cannot say at what point it was, but my hand I knew was sliding precariously close to her panties, the heat of her intoxicating me as I teased her with my fingers, when she reached down grabbed my hand. It was a light hold on me, and I immediately stopped. She simply ever so slowly slid my hand back down her leg setting my palm back onto her knee. Not off, just down to her knee and letting my open hand slide luxuriously over her leg all the way. I simply, obediently let her move me, and lay my hand there with her hand held on top mine.

I looked into my sister's eyes at that moment and she smiled back at me as her fingers squeezed my hand, then let go. This was all occurring invisibly. Our secret.

Mom and dad continued to talk, Lisa sharing in. Lisa was talking to Mandy now about when we were younger. She cryptically noted how I could never leave her alone, how I was always getting into her things.

I defended myself, "That's not true."

She looking over my way, "You would spy on me, deny it." My cheeks reddened, and I remembered what she was talking about. "You were always taking my things, hiding them."

I said, "You were the sneaky one." Steering the conversation away.

She was enjoying this, the double entendre shared only between us.

I moved my hand around her leg, so now my finger tips were rubbing her skin just below the knee. I began to roam again, up along her leg, the outside of her leg, and tipping my hand once again caressing the inside her thighs, slowly rising higher and higher all over again. My hand would touch her knees and then rising up higher again, my finger tips touching her, so tender. Her skirt was still bunched up high on her legs.

Finally, reaching higher I let the tips of my fingers just graze the edge of her panties. I did not know when it would be, but I felt the fabric and ran my fingers over her with the lightest touch. She quickly shifted herself, closing her legs onto my hand. But not quite, as I held my hand there clamped between her thighs, I began to waggle my fingers, bumping and touching the crotch of her panties. Then, her hand again, pulling me from between her legs and back to her knee. This time eyeing me with a hint of concern. A sort of no no no, her 'Behave' look. I imagined her wagging her finger at me. Tsk. Tsk.

But this time, breaking free I stroked the inside of her thighs, in long soft strokes. I felt her legs relax, opening a little bit as I caressed one leg then the other with the front of my hand and then the back of my hand, up and down her long legs. She leaned a little toward me, like she was going to whisper and I leaned her way as well. I was expecting a curt stop it, anything. Instead she breathed to me in a very low voice, "Not so high."

It was that remark that led me to want to touch her, giving me license. To this point, honestly, I hadn't. It was more like curiosity, a 'would she let me?' She was teasing me, I realize how she was from the beginning. But her remark 'not so high' made my heart pound, and my mouth go dry. I wanted to feel her. Touch her. Would she let me? What would she do?

And after a little while, I let my hand reach 'high' and I ever so lightly curled my fingers right over those soft cotton panties, and scratched my nails over the fabric. Long scratched of my fingers up between her legs, over the fabric right between her legs. Her head went low, in an involuntary movement, I could see the pleasure wave through her as she looked over at me. Her legs held open and the arch of her back as she tipped her hips back. That arch she had so exquisitely described to me.

And a light imperceptible moan. She did not stop me this time.

She was not moving away, not trying to shake me off. She was wet, I could feel her juices dampening the fabric. I pressed a little harder feeling the outline of her little pussy there under the table. Her skirt bunched up in her lap, her legs open and her hips tipping back and forth to my touch. I loved the feel her the slightest undulation of her body on my hand, the tiniest circle being drawn over my fingers. Her hand reaching out, grabbing my thigh, squeezing me before turning and wiggling herself away from me so that my hand had to drop off her at that moment. She looked around, realizing what she was doing, the way she had suddenly slid away from me. She continued with a reach, "I need something out of my coat," she said. Digging in her pockets, for nothing, she then slid back taking my hand in hers and leaning toward me again whispering, "You need to stop. They'll know."

Holding hands was nice. I imagined not losing our secret contacts, caresses, the feel of her. It could continue. At the very least she wasn't angry, would keep our 'secrets.' Feeling a sort of euphoria as my thoughts ran this direction, and her presence worked its magic on my brain, I simply began rubbing the palm of my sister's hand and to play with her fingers, feeling her respond and hold each of my fingers, stroking my hand in return, rubbing our palms together.

In our parents usual fashion, they abruptly announced they had to be in church, that they were late. "Look at the time," dad exclaimed, they were running late now for their prayer group. Lisa piped up, letting go of my hand, "But I have to get to Katie's, we were going to study some tonight."

"Well, we're late."

"You could have at least told me."

The conversation went on like that.

I piped in without a thought, "I can take her."

She turned suddenly to look at me.

Mandy then inserted, "I have to get home myself."

I added, "Well someone has to take Lisa to Katie's."

Mom and dad said that they could take Mandy home and still make it to church. "You go ahead and take Lisa, Matthew. Thank you."

The look on Lisa's face in that moment. Realizing she was left with ME. A sort of concerned shock at the turn of events. Honestly, she probably thought she could escape me tonight. It was probably why she was willing to be so 'naughty.' People around, there was a sort of built in limit. Besides that, after the last half hour, I cannot say either of us were thinking too clearly and to be suddenly alone. Really, I wasn't thinking a thought in my head, and the only thing I did know is that I wanted to be with her longer.

Everyone got up and I began to gather my things. I said, "I have to go to the bathroom." But I was stalling for time. I wanted everyone else to leave. I wanted to wait, be slow. Have my time with Lisa alone. "Wait for me," and I said my goodbyes leaving Lisa at the front of the restaurant.

When I got back I smiled at her and simply said, "My car is out back, it's not too far." She followed behind, and we fell silent. I imagined her eyes on me as we walked. I looked back, "Come on. Here."

I held out my hand to her, the hand she had been holding for the last ten minutes and she took it. The noise of the restaurant fell away as we walked outside, and a silence enveloped us. My heart was pounding, I squeezed her hand as we walked. She squeezed mine. We walked. I really don't know how to describe where we were at just then, and I didn't even know. The energy between us was electric. Her eyes, the way we looked at each other. Gradually, the people were dropping away from view.