Road Rage

"Do you mean it? I don't deserve it, but will you do that with me?"

"Ju, please don't get the wrong idea. I'm not saying every thing is going to be ok. But I won't give up yet, not until I know what went wrong."

"That's all I could ever wish for," she said with a look of hope in her eyes.

"Ju, I need to know, who was he, and how many times you slept with him?"

"Don't make me tell you about it, I beg you Scott. I'm so sorry, but I just want to forget it."

"Ju, if there is going to be a chance for us, you have to be honest with me. If you start lying about things now, it's over."

"Scotty please, you've already been to jail because of me once. I won't lie to you, but I don't want you to get into any more trouble."

"Justine, this isn't an option. Tell me, I was humiliated by that man. I don't even know if I will do anything, but I have to know."

"It was my boss. He talked me into going to a hotel with him, and the only thing that happened, well, you saw that. If you say anything to him, I'll lose my job."

"Fuck the job Ju, do you really think I would let you work there after this? I don't want you to contact him again, ever. I'll take care of it, there are millions of jobs out there. Unless you feel that your job is more important to you than I am. If that's the case tell me, and I'll be gone in an hour."

"No, Scotty, I didn't even think. You're right of course. Oh god, I wish none of this had ever happened."

"Well, I do too, but it did. But we can't go back now," I said and walked away.

I arranged to take a weeks vacation from work. Jason, my lawyer, gave me the name of a marriage counselor that he said was very good. We had an appointment set up for Thursday. To Ju's dismay, I moved into the guest bedroom. I didn't want to be around her that much right now. There was still anger inside me, but I didn't want it to show.

Now, I don't want you to think that I'm the macho type that runs around kicking people's asses, because that's not me. But I had something to settle with Jeff Sims, Ju's boss. I don't know what was going through Ju's mind when she agreed to go to that motel with him, but in any case, he had no right to even ask. Jeff hadn't caused all the problems that Ju and I had, but he was guilty of sexual harassment. I couldn't let Ju take the blame by herself for that.

I didn't exactly burst into Jeff's office, but then again I didn't ask for an appointment either. He couldn't have been real surprised to see me, but there was a look that told me that he had been worried about our eventual confrontation. I took a chair without invitation, it wasn't his meeting, it was mine.

"Jeff, you probably have an idea why I'm here. Let's cut through all of the bullshit, and get down to what I want."

"Ok, you tell me why you barged into my office unannounced," he said sitting back trying to act confident and in charge.

"Justine will no longer be working here."

"Well, that's just fine by me. It saves the trouble of firing her."

"If you will just cut me a check for her severance pay, I can be on my way."

"Severance? You have to be out of your fucking head."

"Well, it's not the first time I've been accused of that. Maybe we should just say it would be in your best interest to pay up before we file the sexual harassment suit. You know how messy those things can get. I'd say about two hundred and fifty thousand should be about right."

"You're fucking crazy! I won't pay you a dime. She came on to me, it was her idea to go to that hotel, not mine. Anyway, you can't prove anything, it's all he said, she said. Her word against mine."

"Oh, and don't forget mine as well Jeff old boy. Did you forget what I saw in your car that day? How does your wife feel about that, huh?"

"You leave her out of this, this has nothing to do with her."

"Well then, write the check and we'll leave her in the dark. Oh, and believe me, you don't want to see what will happen to your life if I have to make a call to Justine's family."

"What the fuck has her family got to do with this?" he said with an agitated tone.

"Oh, didn't you know? Justine is very Italian, and very connected, if you catch my drift."

"You're full of shit."

"Ok, don't say I didn't warn you. I'll give you until next Friday to pay up. If I were you, I would get all my ducks in a row, and make sure your insurance is up to date."

"Get the fuck out of here!"

"That went pretty well," I thought to myself. As I left Jeff's office I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Ju's brother Mario.

He answered on the fist ring, "Mario's Pizza."

"Mario, its Scott. Hey man I need a little favor are you busy?"

"You know I'm busy, this place don't run by itself. But I got time for you."

"Ok man, I'll be there in ten. See you then."

Mario wasn't connected, but you guessed that. We went over what I needed him to do. It was simple, just pay Jeff a visit at his house the next day. Mario told me he would take Timmy with him, one of Ju's crazy Irish cousins. Timmy, not only was crazy, he looked the part. What would Jeff think when a fat Italian, and a crazy Irishman with frizzy red hair, showed up on his doorstep?

Ju was still moping around like she had lost her puppy. We were civil to one another, but it was difficult sometimes. She was sorry for her actions, that was plain to see. But I couldn't bring myself to just let things go. There were issues far deeper than what had gone on between her and Jeff.

Wednesday morning, Ju drove me to the impound yard to pick up the Mustang. Seven hundred dollars later I pulled out onto the street. Mario should be back from his visit with Jeff by now, so I dropped by to see how it had gone.

Mario and Tim were drinking a beer while they laughed and talked. I pulled up a chair.

Mario was the first to notice and greeted me, "Scott, I was just about to call you."

"Well, how did it go?"

"Oh, fine."

"Just fine?" I questioned.

"Yeah, fine," he couldn't hold back the smile any longer.

"Did he buy it?"

"Well, he looked like he was going to shit his pants when I told him that I was Justine's brother, and was collecting donations for the Italian American relief society," he chuckled.

"What'd he do?"

"He wrote me a check for five hundred."

"You're shitting me?"

"Nope, show him the check Timmy."

Tim pulled a folded check out and grinned. Mario got up to get some more beer. I'll bet Jeff got one look at these guys, and became a believer. Mario asked me what to do with the check, so I told him to get Timmy a haircut.

Ju was filling out the pre-interview questionnaire for our meeting the next day with the marriage councilor. I poured us both a coke, and sat down with her. Without saying a word, Ju pushed some papers toward me and smiled. We worked in silence for an hour.

She looked into my eyes and whispered, "Thank you Scott."

"For what?"

"For everything," she said softly as she rose and went off to bed.

Thankful that she had chosen to leave it at that, I climbed the stairs for bed myself. She could have seduced me so easily just then. In a weak moment, I would have made love to her if she had wanted me. She chose not to use that tact on me, and I was grateful. We both needed to trust each other, now more than ever.

The councilor's name was Ed, he was a big burly bear of a man. With his white hair and beard, he reminded me of a plus size Santa Claus. I hoped that I didn't have to sit on his lap. Ju was nervous, but Ed put her at ease pretty quickly. Ed greeted us and told us to keep things as casual as we felt comfortable with.

"So, before we get into why you're here today, I want to tell you both what I expect from you. The most important thing, is the truth. Don't either of you try to dress things up to protect the others feelings. If we are to get to the root issues, the brutal truth must be revealed."

"Secondly, to avoid confrontation, please try not to interrupt. You will have your chance to speak, please just listen and we will get to your feelings when the other is through talking. And lastly don't expect miracles, this could take some time. Be patient."

"Now Justine, tell me what do you want from our meeting?"

"I want my life back, I want Scott to love me again," she said holding back the tears.

"Ok fair enough, Scott, how about you?"

"Well, I want to know what happened to cause Justine to act so differently in the last six months. She is not the same woman that I have lived with for most of my life."

"That's a pretty realistic expectation, Scott. But how do you see this resolving at the end of our sessions?"

"Well, it depends on how this all comes out I suppose. I'm not going to blow smoke, I don't know right now."

"Ok Scott, I've studied both of your profiles, but I want you to tell me if you are committed to try to work out the problems in your marriage, or are you using this forum to resolve your own fears and doubts? Do you want your marriage to work?"

"Just what the fuck are you saying? That I'm not here for the right reasons?"

"No Scott, not at all. From what I have read, Justine wants to fix a broken marriage. On the other hand, what I get from you so far is that you want to know why it broke in the first place. You don't indicate any thing about fixing things after you get what you want."

Yeah, that was a slap in the face. Justine talked most of the session. She told Ed about her work stress and our home life. When she mentioned the lack of libido and her insomnia, Ed started taking some notes. I felt like an observer some times, like watching some sick television reality show. At the end of the session, Ed handed a sheet of paper to Ju. He wanted her to see a doctor that he had suggested, there were a list of tests for the doctor to run on her.

It's hard for me to express how I felt about our first meeting with Ed. My normal self was becoming pessimistic, Ed's focus on my part angered me. What the fuck did I do? This wasn't my fault, I hadn't broken my wedding vows. This was about Ju, she needed the help. I was there to support her, what the hell!

Justine walked out of Ed's office with hope, I walked out with confusion. Ju was going to see a doctor, I was going to see a bartender. God damn it, I need a beer and some time alone. The first beer was good, but after spending the night in jail once this week, I packed it in and wheeled the Mustang out on the road.

Driving calmed my nerves, I headed towards the mountains on the two-lane road. The feeling from the car winding down the road was serene. The curves in the road didn't leave me with time to think, I was able to leave my troubles in the rear view mirror.

My troubles were behind me, at least until I got home. Justine was waiting for me.

"Scott, could we talk for a while?"

What now I thought, "Sure, I'm going to get a coke. Would you like something?"

"Thank you, no," she waited for me to return.

I sat down and waited for her to start bitching, "Scott, I was thinking about the session at Ed's. I'm scared Scott, Ed asked you something today that I never even thought about. Please Scotty, I need the truth, are you going to leave me?" tears streaked her mascara as she asked.

"The truth? Justine I can't even begin to answer that. A lot has happened to me this week, for that matter, the last six months. Some things I'll get past, others may never go away. It's been one thing after another, I haven't had too much time to sort it out yet."

"Scotty, I love you. It may not have seemed like it lately, but please believe me it's true. I'd like to tell you that I'll never hurt you again, but I can't. It's not that I want to do these things to you, they just happen. I know you don't understand what's going on, I don't either," she said, as she took my hands in hers.

She paused and took a deep breath before continuing, "I hate myself for hurting you, I would do any thing to take it all back. There are no words to tell you how sorry I truly am, for Jeff, for the shitty way I've been treating you, for all of it. Every day I tell myself that it won't happen today."

I didn't know what to say, my mouth was dry, and words had deserted me. I resisted the temptation to hold her in my arms, my brain told me that might send the wrong message.

Justine knelt before me, and held my hands to her cheek. Her voice was trembling as she spoke, "Scott, no matter what you decide, I want for you to be happy. I won't ask you to forgive me, I can't, after the way I acted. I want more than anything to grow old at your side, but only if that's what you want. If you decide you need to leave to be happy, I'll understand," she left me sitting, as she left the room.

Fuck, had she now resorted to psychological warfare? Well, it was working. I was moved almost to tears by what she had told me. She was sincere, you don't live with someone as long as we had, without knowing the plain honest truth. As if I didn't have enough on my mind already, my brain was in overload now.

I went to work the next week. But for all I got accomplished I may have well of stayed home. Ju and I, met with Ed again on Thursday. He had Justine's test results back from the doctor.

Ed said to both of us, "After our meeting last week, I had hunch about what we were looking at. The test results confirm it. Justine has a condition known as Bipolar Disorder, it's also known as manic depression. The good news is that it is very treatable with medication and therapy. Justine will have to see a psychiatrist for a period of time, to work on some of her inner struggles. The medication will take a while to take effect, a week perhaps, maybe up to a month. Now, do you have any questions?"

We both asked a lot of questions. Ju's symptoms were all pretty much in line with her condition. Every thing fit like the pieces in a puzzle. All except one thing, I just couldn't buy it. The things I had been put through over the last half a year, all made better by a pill? No fucking way.

Ed sensed my defensiveness, "Scott, you seem to be having a hard time taking this all in."

I was shook from my thoughts as he spoke directly to me, "Well, yeah. It's not clear, I guess I see things in a black and white world. This all seems to let Justine off the hook for everything, you haven't had to live with her. The mood swings, the attacks on me and her affair, lets not forget about that..." Justine cut me off at that.

"Scott, it wasn't an affair! It was one time..." now I interrupted too.

"Yeah, one time. How many times would it have been if I hadn't caught you?"

Ed broke in, "That's enough, were not here to argue. Remember the rules. Scott, I want to talk to you alone next session, Justine will talk to her psychiatrist next week, I've taken the liberty to set up an appointment."

Things were pretty quiet at home that night, not surprising after our little spat today. Justine and I ate dinner in silence, she tried to act normally, I wasn't having any part of it. Was I just supposed to take this bullshit explanation, and forget Ju's behavior? That's the rub I got today.

At ten the next morning, guess who showed up at my office? Go ahead, just take a guess. Jeff, I figured I'd never see that slime ball again. Shit, I'd forgotten all about the deadline I'd given him. I quickly got back in the game.

"So, what brings you here today? Did you come to fuck my secretary?"

Ignoring my sarcasm, "I'll get right to the point. I've given this some thought, and you were right about one thing. It would be in my best interest to settle things with you. I'm here to make an offer."

"Ok, so make it. I'm busy."

"Alright, two hundred thousand, and a signed waiver."

"I said two fifty, and what is this waiver bullshit?"

"Ok, two fifty, but I have to have the waiver to protect myself from any further actions. Deal?"

"When I see the money, we have a deal."

He produced the envelope with the check inside. I guess he knew I wasn't backing down. The lower offer was a bluff. I called my secretary to witness my signature on the waiver Jeff had brought with him. I chuckled to myself after Jeff was gone, I never expected him to pay up.

Justine was surprised when I handed her the check, she hadn't known any thing about what I'd said to Jeff. I think the reality sunk in that we had nothing to celebrate about. It should have been a happy moment, but we both knew why we had the money. Justine had a look of embarrassment, the check in her hand silently spoke the words, "This is the reward for cheating on your husband."

The next week, Ed cornered me. He knew where I was coming from, and tried to get me to let it out.

"Scott, you have some hard choices to make regarding your marriage. I think you can see that this is up to you, I don't have a magic pill for you to take. The only thing I can do for you is to help you with information, but ultimately, you will have to be the one that chooses the outcome."

"Ed, I'm a banker, I know the formulas, two plus two equals four. It's easy, every thing adds up, there are debits and credits, and it all balances in the end. This medical thing makes no sense to me."

Ed sat back in his chair, and stoked his beard in thought. After a minute of me watching him, he finally spoke, "Ok, the medical part I think I can explain in terms that may make sense to you. The other things you are dealing with may take more time, but we'll try."

"First of all Scott. I want you to imagine for a moment, there are two different accounts that Justine uses for business. Are you with me so far?" he asked and I nodded, "Good, in these accounts there should be equal amounts of money. Account one is the happy account, and account two is the sad account. When both the happy and sad are even, Justine is balanced and all is well. When either account is less than the other, Justine is manic or depressed respectively."

"Ok Ed, so the medication manages her accounts for her?"

"Exactly. It keeps her balanced. It's a lot more complex than that, but I think you get the picture without clouding the issue. We are dealing with two different behavior patterns, both caused by the same chemical imbalance."

"So, she doesn't really know, I mean it's not her fault?"

"No, not really, she isn't in control. She has no idea which mood will be in charge at any given time."

"What causes the imbalance?"

"That's for the psychiatrist to find out, there are many things that can trigger it. When he gets to the base problem, he'll help her deal with it."

"Will she be the same again?"

"Well, you have to define that term. Will she be well? I think so. The same as before? No, I don't think either of you will be the same. Your relationship has been traumatized, and there will be scars for a long time to come. I'm not saying they won't heal, but it won't happen overnight."

"I guess that's what I fear the most, I want what we had, not something new and unknown."

"Scott, you better get used to that idea. I'm afraid that what ever you choose to do, you'll be treading on new territory. If you choose divorce, you will be forced to start a new life on your own. Reconciliation will be much the same, you will be rebuilding your life, but Justine will be helping you."

"Ed, I just don't know how to forget the hurt."

"You may never be able to forget it completely, but the memories will fade. Scott, as a banker, do you lose all faith in a mutual fund when it drops a point or two? Or do you watch it closely, and protect your investments? You have a huge investment in Justine, don't make any snap judgements. I will be out of town next week, and I would like to see both of you in two weeks. Try to rationalize all of your problems, I think you can eliminate a lot of the things on you mind."

It was time to get away, I needed time alone to sort out my feelings. It was too hard to think with Ju around me. I packed a few things into the Mustang, and said goodbye to Justine. As I got in to the car, I could see the pain in her face. Would this be the last time we parted as man and wife? I was off to Reno, no, not for a divorce.