Stepping Out in Faith Ch. 02

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave?

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt, suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer...

Marcus' heart constricted at the sound of Andy's voice, a rich and smooth baritone. It reminded Marcus of hot caramel rolling down vanilla ice cream, smooth and sweet, and he wanted to lick up every drop.

Somehow, Andy had gotten Sophie to hang out with him by the piano, smiling broadly. She even joined in with her quieter voice in the second verse. He was clearly in his element and he looked confident, comfortable, and sexy as hell. Marcus felt a sense of panic rising as he realized the direction of his thoughts.

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave, I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath, every hour has come to this...

Fuck... Fuck, fuck, fuck. He was not going to fucking fall for this, Marcus swore to himself. It's just a stupid song, it doesn't fucking mean anything, he kept repeating. But the words were worming their way into Marcus' consciousness, into his heart in a way that scared him. He crossed his arms as if they could provide a defense to Andy's song.

I have died everyday, waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

And I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more...

Andy wasn't singing to Marcus. He wasn't even looking at Marcus. But the song resonated so deeply that Marcus was finding it difficult to breath. His chest ached—that part of his chest that happened to be right over his heart.

Fuck. Marcus forcefully drew a deep breath of air into his lungs, looked away and let it out slowly, willing his heart to beat normally again. He knew next to nothing about this man except he was a priest and in the closet. And yet, here he was, quickly falling for him and his smooth voice.

This was going to end badly, Marcus knew. He'd gone and broken the golden rule: don't fall for a straight guy. Especially, don't fall for a closeted gay guy—that was worse. Falling for a closeted gay guy who was also a priest, had to merit some kind of stupidity award. Marcus scowled; this was going to end really badly.

The room broke out in a gentle applause as Andy and Sophie finished their song. Marcus watched as Andy leaned forward and whispered something conspiratorially into Sophie ear that made her giggle and grin in delight.

Marcus wanted to frown and scowl, but couldn't help his own grin growing on his face. He caught Andy's gaze as the other man scanned the room. Andy's happy smile and dancing eyes put the nail in Marcus coffin. It's too late, Marcus realized. He'd gone fallen for this guy he barely knew, who would more than likely break his heart one day.

The realization was sobering, paralyzing, and Marcus felt like he couldn't breathe. He stalked out of the room and into the evening air to escape the suffocating feeling. Marcus took deep even breaths until he started feeling calm again. He had to go back inside, he knew, but he couldn't face Andy just yet.

What was he going to do? Andy was experimenting. At least, he was experimenting; Marcus didn't even know if he was still experimenting. But then why did he show up tonight? To explain. Marcus scoffed to himself. He still wasn't sure what exactly needed explanation. And did explaining mean experimenting? Or did it mean that he didn't want to experiment anymore?

The questions were driving him crazy and the only person who had answers was waiting back in that room. But Marcus couldn't bring himself to go back in.

He must have been out there for a lot longer than he had wanted, pacing back and forth on the sidewalk, but soon the older kids were trickling out, waving goodbye and heading off into the night. Then parents of the younger kids showed up and said hello before going inside to pick up their children.

Still, Marcus paced on the sidewalk, hands stuffed into pockets, eyes glued to the pavement.

"Marcus?"

A gentle voice interrupted his pacing. Marcus looked up to see an older lady with grey hair and a warm, friendly smile.

"Kathleen, hi. How as you?"

"I'm well. I was told I'd find you out here."

"Oh, uh, yeah... it was getting kind of stuffy in there. Needed to get some air." Marcus said with a shrug.

"You brought a friend tonight?" Kathleen asked with a kind smile.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. I know everyone needs to be screened and stuff. But he's a pri—he works with kids, so I figured it'd be okay for just one night."

"Well, I heard him and Sophie singing from my office. It's great that he was able to connect with her. If he wants to keep coming, I can get him set up with a background check and everything." Kathleen offered. "You know we can always use more counsellors."

"Yeah, I know," Marcus nodded. "But I'm not sure what his plans are. We can ask him."

Marcus took a deep breath before following Kathleen inside. When they reached the room, Marcus saw that most of the kids had left and Andy was chatting with Sophie's dad. Then, Andy turned, gracing Marcus with a shy smile, and all the calming down he had achieved outside disappeared.

Marcus' chest was constricting again, making it difficult to breathe. His heart was beating erratically and his mouth felt dry. He was so caught up in his reaction to Andy that he didn't even notice Andy and Kathleen introduce themselves to each other.

When he finally came to, Sophie and her dad were gone and Andy was asking Kathleen an awkward question.

"You're a pastor and you're gay?"

Kathleen smiled broadly, as if used to the question.

"Yes, I am. Although, I'm not serving in a church at the moment. I'm the executive director for the Center."

Andy had a deep frown on his face as if he was trying to wrap his mind around something.

"But I don't understand."

Not put off for a second, Kathleen eyes were filled with gentle concern and care.

"Some people don't," she nodded. "But if you'd like to talk about it more at any point, I'd be more than happy to sit down with you."

"Oh, um... that's very nice of you. I'll be sure to keep that in mind," Andy declined politely.

"Marcus said that you work with children?" Kathleen asked.

Andy shot Marcus a panicked look, which Marcus met with a steady gaze. Andy swallowed thickly.

"Um... Well..."

"No pressure," Kathleen chuckled. "I just meant that if you were interested in joining us again, we usually have a background check process for all the counsellors, just to be safe, you know."

"Oh, I see," Andy trailed off. "Sorry for just showing up today."

"Not at all. We can always use more counsellors and you seem to have a way with Sophie. Think about it and you can let Marcus know." Kathleen smiled gently. "Well, thank you both for helping out tonight. I think the kids had a good time."

"No problem, Kathleen," Marcus found his voice again. "We'll get out of your hair so you can lock up."

Marcus gave Andy a tight smile and led the way back outside. Once out in the evening air, he took a deep breath before turning to face the man that had wormed his way into his heart. Now that it was time to talk, Marcus found that he couldn't figure out what to say.

"Thanks for inviting me tonight. Those are good kids," Andy said quietly.

Marcus nodded, not trusting his voice. Andy looked unsure of himself, shifting from foot to foot, hands stuffed in pockets. Marcus knew his silence wasn't helping to relieve the tension between them. But Marcus was afraid of saying anything, afraid of saying the wrong thing, of betraying his feelings and driving Andy away.

Who was he kidding? Why did he think there was anything he could say or do to keep Andy from walking away eventually, anyways? That was the danger with getting involved with guys still in the closet and Marcus really had no reason to believe Andy would be any different.

But at the very least, he could have tonight. He could enjoy this one night with Andy and whatever tomorrow brought, he'd deal with it then.

"Come over?" Marcus asked, hating the uncertainty he heard in his voice.

Then his heart melted when Andy broke out in a wide smile.

"Yeah," he answered.

Marcus moved to grab Andy's hand but stopped himself half way when he realized Andy's hands were still stuffed in his pockets. Andy flushed red and lowered his eyes, but didn't take his hands out.

Marcus' smile became strained as he tried not to let on how much that bothered him. But instead of saying something—because it'd probably end up something he'd regret later—he turned and led the way back to his apartment.

Andy fell into place next to him and although they walked in silence, Marcus noticed that they'd brush shoulders every once in a while. He wasn't sure who leaned in too close first, but after the first couple of times, Marcus was definitely keeping a closer distance to Andy and purposely bumping into him at every chance. The contact warmed Marcus, radiating from him arm and straight to his heart. It was dangerous, Marcus knew, but he had already decided to indulge, just for tonight, so he would indulge.

When they reached his apartment Marcus poured himself a glass of scotch, disconcerted to find his hands trembling. He downed the first glass and poured himself a second one, willing his nerves to settle. His heart was racing a mile a minute and his stomach was all twisted in knots.

"What are these?" Andy asked.

Marcus turned to see Andy flipping through papers on the kitchen counter. His stomach seized as he remembered what he had left there.

Andy looked up at him with those large doe eyes, glistening with wonder. Marcus found himself walking toward Andy, drawn to the depth of emotion he found there.

"They're beautiful," Andy whispered.

Marcus glanced down at the sketches he'd doodled over the past weeks, sketches of Andy smiling with his expressive eyes, Andy as he lay sleeping in Marcus' bed, Andy lost on the throes of passion.

Looking back at the man who inspired the drawings, Marcus' eyes were caught by the rosy lips, bruised from the gnawing of Andy's teeth. Marcus raised a hand to run his thumb across the full lips. He fought the urge to lean in and taste those lips again, to mould them underneath his own and explore Andy's mouth with his tongue.

"I just draw what I see," Marcus said as he cupped Andy's cheek.

When Andy turned his face into Marcus' palm, Marcus let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

God, all he wanted to do was take Andy to bed and spend the night discovering each other, talking be damned. Marcus battled his conscious that argued that Andy wanted to explain and Marcus owed him at least that much.

So, reluctantly, Marcus dropped his hand, but didn't move away.

"So you're an artist?" Andy asked.

Marcus raised an eyebrow and shrugged.

"I'm an art director at a marketing company."

Andy gave Marcus a once over that very un-priest-like and Marcus felt a stirring in his groin in response.

"You look like as artist."

"Yeah? And what exactly do artists look like?" Marcus chuckled.

Andy just shrugged as he looked back down on the drawings.

"Well, you don't look like a priest. I didn't know priests could be so hot," Marcus said with a sly smile.

Andy flushed red, looked away and started chewing on his lip. That lip didn't help the heat pooling in Marcus' stomach, but Marcus did feel bad about making the joke. Guess it hit a little too close to home to be funny.

"You want a drink before we talk?" Marcus asked, changing the subject.

Andy looked uncertain for a minute, but then nodded gently, reminding Marcus of that deer with the big eyes again.

Marcus moved to his bar cart, gratified that Andy followed close behind him. He enjoyed the heat he could feel between himself and Andy—it felt comforting and right. Marcus wanted to feel that warmth forever and the thought scared him to the core.

He turned to hand Andy a glass and saw that he had brought the doodles along.

"Are these church bulletins?" Andy asked. He had flipped the drawings over to see the writing on the other side.

"Yeah," Marcus answered. "From my parents' church."

"You seem to have a lot of Christians in your life," Andy said with a wry smile that tugged at Marcus' heart.

It took a moment before Marcus could find the breath to respond.

"Yeah, seems like I do," he said quietly.

"So, how does that work?" Andy asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, being gay and all," Andy's skin flushed and he ducked his head. "Your parents are okay with you being gay?"

"Yeah," Marcus laughed. "My mom's a member of PFLAG and everything."

"PFLAG?"

"It's like a club for parents who have gay kids."

"Like a support group?"

"Um... yeah," Marcus said with a frown. "And also advocacy and education, that sort of thing."

"Oh," Andy smiled, looking a little embarrassed. "I've never heard of Christians who are okay with gays."

Marcus gave a choking laugh before taking another gulp of his scotch.

"I don't really understand it," Andy admitted, moving to sit on the couch.

"What's to understand?"

"How they can be okay with it."

Marcus gave Andy a measured look before sitting on the opposite end of the couch.

"That's probably a better question for Kathleen," Marcus said, studying the contents of his glass cradled in his hands.

A silence settled between them and Marcus could hear their gentle breathing. At least, Andy's breathing sounded gentle; Marcus was struggling to steady his breathing. Breathe in, breathe out.

"How did you tell your parents?" Andy asked suddenly.

"About being gay?" Marcus turned toward Andy. "I didn't."

Marcus turned sideways in the couch, one knee bent across the seat and arm draped over the back. The memory brought a smile to his face.

"I came home one day from school—sophomore year, I think—and found a bottle of lube on my night stand. Apparently my Mom had found my stash of gay porn. I was mortified," Marcus laughed. "And grateful. I hadn't figured out you could use lotion for lube, so I was just spitting on my hand. That only works so well."

Andy's face was flushed bright red at Marcus' story, which only made him look more adorable to Marcus.

"That's it? She just gave you a bottle of... Lube?" Andy said the last word as if it was a curse.

"Well," Marcus laughed. "She cornered me after dinner that night and we had the abstinence and safe sex talk. That was more embarrassing than the lube. But now we can talk about just about anything."

"That must be nice."

"It is," Marcus paused, wondering whether it was okay to ask. "And you? I'm guessing you haven't told anyone you're gay."

"I'm not-" Andy started. "I mean, I can't be-"

"Gay?" Marcus supplied. "What do you mean you can't be gay? It's not really a question of can or can't, it's more a question of are you or aren't you."

"I can't be," Andy shook his head. "It's forbidden."

Marcus let out an exasperated sigh and forced himself to loosen his grip on his glass.

"Look, I know what some Christians think about gay people. It's stupid and dumb as fuck. They go around following blindly without trying to understand the people that they're judging. None of us chose to be gay—I know so many things in life would be a hell of a lot easier if I were straight. Trust me, being gay isn't something I'd do just because I'm feeling rebellious or because it would be funny joke."

Marcus drained the rest of his glass and put it down on the coffee table a little too hard.

"It's easy when you've had so much support from an early age," Andy said, quietly. "You didn't grow up with my family."

The sadness in Andy's voice melted away all of Marcus' annoyance.

"I've always had these... Feelings," Andy sighed. "But I'm Catholic, my whole family is. And I went to Catholic school. The Bible teaches that it's wrong, so what I feel must be wrong."

"It's not-" Marcus was stopped by a pleading look from Andy.

"There was a boy at my school," Andy continued. "He was gay and everyone knew it. Everyone treated him badly, made his life miserable. The teachers knew about the bullying, but never did anything to stop it."

Andy was hunched over, elbows on knees, staring into his glass. His voice was so strained, quiet as he remembered. Marcus reached out a hand and placed it on Andy's shoulder. He felt the tension in Andy's body melt away under his touch. It warmed Marcus' heart to know he could have that effect on Andy.

Marcus scooted closer and laid his arm across Andy's back, lending what comfort he could.

"It was senior year. I had this place I used to go to in a wooded area near my school. It was always quiet, secluded. I'd go to think, figure life out. He showed up one day, out of the blue. Turns out he had noticed me watching him, had figured out that maybe I had the same feelings as he did. He was right, I did. His uniform was always a size too small, like he was showing off his body, I always ended up staring whenever he walked by."

Andy paused with a wry smile on his face, remembering the boy that caught his attention as a youth.

"He kissed me that day. It was..." Andy shook his head. "I'd never been interested in girls, never thought about wanting to kiss them. I figured that's what made me suited for the priesthood, that I'd been blessed with the gift of celibacy. But that kiss..."

Marcus squeezed the shoulder under his hand. He could see how difficult this was for Andy and his chest swelled with gratitude that Andy would choose to share this was him.

"I remember the shock of it, my body reacting, but my brain not understanding what was going on. I think I pushed him away initially. But definitely kissed him again because we ended up making out for a while."

The smiled on Andy's face disappear and Marcus felt the tension return to his shoulder.

"We didn't do any more than that. I don't think there was any expectation that there'd be anymore. Then a while later I saw him getting bullied again at school. I tried standing up for him. It wasn't like I could really fight anyone, or anything. But I didn't like the way they treated him and I thought that since we'd kissed that... I don't know... They started turning on me, too, calling me gay because I was standing up for him. It scared me. We managed to get out of that situation okay, but..."

Andy paused again and took a deep breath before letting it out slowly.

"It's okay, we don't have to talk about this if you don't want," Marcus offered despite desperately wanting to know what happened.

Andy just shook his head and took another breath to compose himself.

"I was leaving school one day and noticed a crowd in the parking lot. I couldn't see what was happening, but I knew. I just knew. I wanted to turn around and run, pretend I hadn't seen anything. But the next thing I knew I was pushing my way through the people."

Andy's voice broke and he dropped his head into his hands. Marcus scooted even closer, pressing himself into Andy, leaning his cheek against Andy's shoulder.

"He saw me right away," Andy continued, just barely a whisper. "He was lying on the ground, curled up in a ball. There was already blood all over his face. He was begging me. He didn't say anything, but his eyes. He was begging me to do something. But I couldn't do anything. I should have shouted, I should have run for help, I should have stopped them. But I couldn't. I couldn't do anything."