Unrequited Love

I didn't know what to say. It was such a crucial moment that I was starting to sweat. There was a little over a month left until we went back to school, which meant that he needed to find out soon so we could work it out. I needed him and not having him was driving me crazy. I just had no idea what to say now that I had the opportunity.

I decided to just try saying something that I had written.

"Have you really ever just tried to 'open your eyes'? The person could be right in your face."

"Damn there was something like that on one of the cards, its weird how that's happened."

Lord my man was being dense. He couldn't help it though. He just would never expect that I was anything other than straight. I took a deep breath and plunged headfirst. I began to talk and then remembered where we were. I didn't want to profess my love in a crowded bookstore. Plus I had no idea how he'd take it.

"I've got an idea, why don't we get some of our old yearbooks and compare the writing. I may have some girls that you don't in yours. If it's ok I could come over and we could look together."

"Well, my parents know we aren't friends anymore, so it might be best if you came over when they were out. On my day off you can come over, mom and dad will be at work."

"Great then it's a date, i'll come over at 11, I know how grouchy you are in the morning."

I almost cringed at my use of the word 'date' but I was so excited that I didn't care. I decided to tell him exactly how I felt before I even got to his house two days from now. Yes, this secret admirer was about to bare his soul to the only man he'd ever love. Once I tell him who I am, I don't care if I have to lock him away and make sweet love to him for days to make him believe me. I was resigned that I'd make him believe me by any means necessary. Even if I had to tat his name across my heart, i'd do it.

I was walking on cloud nine as I placed his new trinket on his doorstep. I made sure that no one saw me and I hurriedly placed it and then walked away. This one was a bit more risky, but I only had two days and it would have taken that long for the mail to run. I was still reeling from how good it felt to finally get out how I felt to someone other than myself. I loved that it was to the object of that affection too.

This is what I sent him, 'I love you more than I ever thought possible to love someone else. I'm so very sorry for anything that I might have done to cause you pain. I want to be the one to put the sparkle back into your beautiful brown eyes. I would love nothing more than to run my fingers through your locks for hours on end and listen to your voice as it wafts over my senses. I want to bask in the scent that is you and become completely intoxicated on your kisses. You once wanted me; I hope and pray that you still do because I can't imagine my life without you. I am convinced that you are the other half that completes my soul. My only wish is that if you should find me unsatisfactory, that you still find happiness. I love you.S.A.'

The next day, I didn't do anything. I wanted him to really soak up the letter. I had decided to show up with the last gift and pretend that I had found it. I would arrive early to make sure that he hadn't come outside within the time frame before my arrival. I was so nervous it was ridiculous. Once he opened the box, however he would know anyways so I had just a small window of time to prepare for his reaction.

I knocked on the door and he looked so cute. He was grouchy which I knew he'd be, but it was so sexy, that just rolled out of bed look. He led me into the kitchen where coffee was ready and his cup already sat on the table. I picked up the box off the porch and sat it on the kitchen counter. I poured myself some coffee and waited. He hadn't even noticed that I had no yearbooks.

"I see you got the latest addition to the collection. You should see this stuff."

With that, he walked out of the room, went up to his room and came down with a small bundle. I don't know why but seeing that he had dried the rose made my heart soar.

"I don't think you should open this last one until we've at least looked through and talked about this stuff," I said holding up the bundle.

"Ok, I got a letter too. It was so beautiful. I just wish that I wasn't doomed to break some girls' heart because I would feel terrible. Even though I know my reasons for not being with her have nothing to do with her in particular, its still gonna smart."

I agreed and asked to see the stuff. I couldn't help but trace everything lovingly. I had no idea how he'd react and I wanted to savor the fact that he kept my cards and letter for a little while longer. I told him that it was a very nice declaration and that he might just be surprised at the outcome.

When we finished our coffee, he took the mugs and sat them in the sink. I let out a breath because the last thing I wanted was for him to break one of his moms mugs in anger and me have to clean up spilled coffee. Just in case, things got out of hand.

He brought the box to the table and opened it. I hadn't realized that I was holding my breath until he looked at me funny. I played it off while he continued to open the box. Inside there was a note attached to a smaller box. It said 'read first'. He opened it and a look of amusement and worry came over his face. He handed it to me and sat down just holding the box. The note read,

'You are my treasure. I could live forever in the knowledge that you give me your love and that would be enough. I would ask for nothing else. In the box is something that you gave me, which has become of great importance recently. It is something that I have begun to cherish just because it was yours. I give it back along with my heart. All I ask is that you give me you. Give us a chance.'

It was a stretch I knew but it was how I felt. He was still holding the box as if it were something to be feared. I gulped audibly and told him to open the box. Inside was his old basketball jersey. I had folded it so that his number would show and I had written 'Chris loves Dereck' on his number. I had won it in a one on one game during the summer after high school. I told him that he didn't really have to give it up but he insisted that a bet was a bet. He was just starring at it. Then I noticed that he wasn't just staring at it. His hands were trembling as he touched the jersey and tears had started to trail down his face. His voice was so low that I barely heard him speak, and it almost broke my heart when he did.

"Why did you do this? Is this your way of convincing me that you're a jerk so I won't feel that way about you anymore? What kind of sick joke are you playing? I really do disgust you don't I? You just had to get me back for not being your friend. This was cruel."

With that, he began shoving everything into the box. I had never seen him look like that. I knew that I needed to do something, but I don't think I expected him to be so devastated about it. I expected anger, but this was something that had my heart bleeding right alongside his.

I jumped up and grabbed him. I began wiping his tears with my hands. He was barely moving. I made him look into my eyes and began talking.

"It's not a joke, it's really how I feel and i'll do anything to make you believe it."

"BUT YOU'RE STRAIGHT!!"

"Yeah, and you're not but I love you anyway. I know that didn't seem like a very coherent statement so let me clarify. I've always been attracted to women and never to men. You are the only man that is attractive to me. I've decided not to try and label myself. I'm just yours if you'll have me."

I was still very nervous because my baby was still crying and not responding very well. I knew that I was going to have a long road ahead of me. I sat down on the kitchen chair and brought him down with me. I let out a moan at how right he felt in my arms. I bent his head down and started kissing his tears away. Every time I kissed him, I would say, "I love you." It was very intimate. He still hadn't said much aside from his outbursts. I knew he was probably in shock so I just rocked him gently while he cried. I whispered in his ear what he meant to me and I could have stayed like that forever. Unfortunately, my legs were falling asleep so I led him up to his room and put him to bed. I brought up the box and waited. I held him in my arms until he woke up.

DERECK

I knew I should have woke up in time to shower and dress but I couldn't sleep the night before. I was so nervous about Chris being in the same vicinity as me. What the hell was I thinking?

When he showed I had barely managed to roll out of bed and make some coffee. He showed up exactly on time holding what he told me had been on the porch. I knew that it was an addition to the stuff I had already been given. I had received a letter the previous day and it was so beautiful that it made my heart hurt. Whoever this was sure had it bad, or they were going through a helluva lot of trouble for a prank.

Chris suggested we go through the other stuff before I opened the box. I showed him my little bundle and was a little surprised at how lovingly he was holding the cards. He became especially wistful when reading the letter.

I went to open the box and Chris looked a little funny. I read the letter first and it seemed that I might finally be getting close to an identity. Whatever I had given this person must have been pretty special. I just hoped I remembered whatever it was that I had given away.

I opened the second box and I could hardly breathe. My old high school jersey had 'Chris loves Dereck' written on it. My hands were trembling as I ran my fingers over the jersey. I wanted to believe that all of my dreams were coming true, but I knew it couldn't be true. I was wrong to think that I knew what hurt felt like. This was so much worse. I couldn't help the tears. Why? Why? This was all I could think. Chris must have wanted to play some cruel trick on me, I couldn't believe that I invited him here and now he was witnessing my humiliation. Every time I pulled away from him, he pushed me and pushed me. Well now I saw that he had no scruples.

I felt my control slipping. I couldn't focus on anything. It was like I had separated from myself. I knew that Chris was talking and it felt like he was holding me but that couldn't be right. Nothing that I was saying or that he was saying was getting through.

I woke up in my bed. I had no idea how I got there. I tried to move but I was trapped. What the hell? I rocked backward and I felt hardness. I must have really been out of it. I wriggled a little and I felt hardness on my ass. I willed myself to calm down and realized that there was breathing on my neck. I kind of looked around and saw that it was Chris. All of the events leading up to this moment came flooding back to me. I even remembered what had been said.

It was just too unbelievable. Could this really be true? There really couldn't be a better explanation. He was holding me so tight and it felt wonderful. I began to think of the consequences of believing him. What if this was all some fantastic scheme? Could I take it if it was? I was a bit resigned. I mean, I couldn't hurt much more than when I realized i'd never be over him. He already had my heart. There wasn't anything else that I had to lose. Even in thinking like this, I still wanted to hold back. Which was silly really, because if he were serious there would be no real way that I could refuse him anything.

With those thoughts racing through my mind, I let out a huge sigh. I felt Chris stir and I immediately tensed. I was waiting for what he would do. He turned me around and starred into my face. There was such intensity in his stare that it was melting my resolve.

"Hi sweetheart, sorry I fell asleep on you."

He called me sweetheart! Oh my god! My mouth was open and I had a shocked look on my face.

"What's the matter baby? Cat got your tongue?"

'Baby'? I must be dead and in heaven. This was just unreal. It was almost like he read my mind.

"Oh this is for real Der. I'll do whatever I have to do to convince you of how I feel. I'll send you dozens of flowers if you want. I'll write hundreds of poems. I'll send out emails to all of our friends proclaiming my love. I just don't want you to hurt anymore. I mean every word that I have said. I just hope that you still want me."

I was sooo scared. Here is everything I have ever wanted but never thought, no knew, that i'd never have and now it was being handed to me. My whole body was trembling and I still couldn't speak. What was I really afraid of? Well he wasn't gay, but he said he loved me. I was assaulted by a series of 'what ifs'. I was vulnerable.

That's it, that's what I was so afraid of. All this time I was hurting, I was never really vulnerable because there was never a threat of him intentionally hurting me. The hurt was always one-sided and sort of self-inflicted. Chris had never been given the power to hurt me. Giving Chris my trust as far as relationships went was something that I never even imagined possible. I had to be sure that this was really and truly what he wanted.

"Chris, how do you know?"

He looked at me for the longest and at first; I didn't think he'd answer.

"Well, it was more gradual than how your feelings developed, but i've come to believe that I probably always felt more for you than just how a friend should feel. I just had some sort of block because I never imagined falling for a guy; I never even thought it a possibility. I started thinking differently when you kissed me. Afterwards I started getting hard just thinking about you. It was weird and at first, I didn't know what to do about it. It got to the point where only thinking of you could get me off. I didn't want to just experiment with you so I waited until I could be sure of my feelings."

"What made you sure?" I just had to keep pushing; this was like salve to the open wound that was my heart. With each word, I was melting more and more.

"Every time I saw you I wanted to hold you, it was almost like an obsession. You looked so sad and it was breaking my heart because it was my fault. I hated Rob because of how you smiled at him. You used to smile at me like that and when you didn't it felt like I was getting an amputation. I felt so stupid when I finally put it together. After you told me you loved me, I couldn't even remember Mary's name. Nothing you did grossed me out. Not telling me you were gay, not kissing me, nothing. Truth be told, I got all warm and fuzzy thinking about you loving me. It all added up to one conclusion... I love you."

I was reeling and crying by now. There was nothing left to do but take the plunge. There was nothing left for me to do but say, "Ok."

"Ok what sweetheart?"

"Ok so convince me." He smiled brilliantly and this time it reached his eyes.

"Damn baby, maybe I should have said that i'd make sweet love to you to convince you. Then I could have spent this time satisfying my fantasies."

I thought I would just melt into the bed. Throughout this whole time, Chris had never let go of me. I could lie like this forever. The thought gave me pause. What did Chris really want from me? I mean he said that he didn't just want to experiment, but I needed something a little more concrete. He was the only man i'd ever love and it couldn't be just for a couple of weeks or a couple of months. To have a taste just to have it taken away was not something I thought I could handle.

"So you love me, but what does that mean for us? I know you said that you don't want to experiment but what exactly do you want? I don't think that I can do this with you for only a little while."

"Baby, I want you for as long as you'll have me. I've only ever had a bond like this with you. I don't think i'll find it with anyone else and I never want to look or find out. Does that answer your question?"

"Well, uh... umm, yeah that about covers it."

"Good"

And with that he kissed me.

CHRIS

I felt something wriggling against me and it felt soooo good. I climbed out of my fog and realized that I had fallen asleep with my Der in my arms. He was already awake and I must have startled him because when I spoke he tensed up. I turned him around and just had to stare. How could I have ever not been in love with him? He was so scared right now that he was trembling. I held him throughout the whole conversation. I saw the range of emotions that crossed his face. I was determined not to let his fears stop us from having a chance.

When he finally began to come around I was trying so hard to be patient. Now that my goal was in reach, I was almost trembling from the anticipation of reaching it. I was determined to see it through. When I was sure that he at least was willing to give us a try, I couldn't help but kiss him.

It was amazing! Kissing someone you loved was much better than just any regular kiss. His lips were so soft. I licked and nipped for what seemed like hours. I could have kissed him all day. It was so intimate. I told him that we would only go as far as he wanted. He was getting more and more sure of himself.

We were now grinding on each other and both of us were sporting hard-ons. It was hard for me to catch my breath and I knew it must have been the same for him.

"Baby, you have too many clothes on."

"Wait! Chris, i've never done this before. What if I can't do it right?"

"What do you mean, I thought you and Rob..., baby don't worry about it, i've never done it either."

"I messed up with Rob before it got that far and deep down I really only wanted you."

"That means so much to me and I promise you'll get a chance to lick me from head to toe like you said, but today is all about you. I'm so sorry that I made you wait for so long. You can torture me anyway you like for the rest of our lives."

In saying that I was through talking. I got up and made sure that his door was locked, I didn't think he wanted his parents in on the fun. I immediately returned to his side and began undressing him. As I lifted up his shirt, I trailed kissed all over his torso. I was going to enjoy this so much. I lifted his shirt above his nipples and began licking at each bud. I eventually got his shirt off and moved up to his neck. I began licking and kissing just like he had done so many months ago and I could see the draw. I wanted to lick him everywhere. Hell, i'd lick his eyeballs if it wasn't too kinky. This man was mine and I intended to mark him in every way.

I gently began to bite his neck and he moaned my name. Aww man, that was so sexy. I rained kisses down over his face and he started to trace every contour of my face. I had never been so intimate with anyone. Previously when I had sex, it was just that, sex. This far surpassed any of my expectations.

I moved over him and while kissing him, began to rock my hips against his. I reached between us with one hand and tugged the tie from his pants free. I broke the kiss and pulled both his pants and boxers down in one move. I stood up and just ogled his body for a minute. He was so beautiful. I couldn't believe it but I fell in love with his cock. It was perfect. It was eight inches and cut. It had a mushroom head with a slight vein running down the side. It was pointing towards the ceiling. I licked my lips in anticipation. I oddly felt no hesitation. I hadn't done any of this before but neither had my love. We'd be learning together. That allayed my fears.

I started at his feet, licking his soles and sucking each toe. He was writhing and moaning and it was like music to my ears. I moved up to his calves and gently nipped at them. I left little bite marks on each. He was going to have plenty more before I was finished. I even nibbled on the backs of his knees. He was groaning in anticipation by the time I reached his thighs. I played with him a little. I moved closer to his piece and would hear him suck in a breath. I backed off a few times until he was almost whimpering.