Warrior Queen

"Honored Father soon realized that this endless repetition; of calisthenics, run, weight training was a major flaw in the 'Sergeant's Way', especially for children. Because of the boredom... human beings are not cows and we can't eat grass for every meal. Even in regards to physical training. So Honored Father's solution was a variety of course.

"Plus the imperative for the mind section of the 'Sergeant's Way' was education. Learn-learn-learn and like the physical training it's each and every single day for life. Learn anything you wanted, anything you could, and everything you possibly can. So learning new forms of physical training fit right in the plan."

"The library in my father's house must hold several thousand books on a wide variety of subjects and I've read them all, some multiple times. He even had a structural engineer come in to reinforce the floor because of the weight."

"My father's house has a television in it that's seldom used."

"So to provide variety he would add or replace into the training regime anything that met the physical requirements. Of course the martial arts were one of the first to be added, but the martial arts also remained throughout our lives."

"But it wasn't only the martial arts that were added. Almost any kind of individual sport you can imagine; swimming, tennis, golf, gymnastics, track and field, even dancing came into the training regime. Then he would trade out with something different to learn. The martial arts, running, and weight training are the core ones that have endured throughout our lives."

"Of course the Sgt. that told Honored Father of this life plan was at least a minor participant in the Bushidō. However I think he was much more into Krav Maga of the Marine Corps than the Bushidō. But there was another member of father's squad that was a practitioner of tae kwon do and aikido. He taught Honored Father what he knew and then they worked out in practice together. Sometimes the Sgt. would come and join in, teaching them the Krav Maga that he knew."

"Being the man that he is, Honored Father found the martial arts much to his liking. After he left the Marine Corps, he continued to expand his knowledge by learning with the University clubs and the dojos around town. Then when Donald and I became the age of ten we were put on the Sgt's Plan."

"So I started physical training and the martial arts at age ten. Neither the Sergeant's plan nor my father does anything halfway. 'Man's infinite striving to be the best is his duty. It is its own reward.' Was a quote from Mahatma Gandhi my father was fond of using."

"The path on the Glory Road is to make you the absolute best you can be, and as honored father always said, striving for perfection continuously is the only way to attain it. I remember my first run at age 10 was 5 miles long and at whatever pace I could do as long as it was my best."

"Long ago I realized that I had to be honest with myself, yes the Sergeant's plan was hard. Very hard to start and keep going for a 10-year-old girl. But in being honest with myself I must admit that I wouldn't be alive today if I hadn't been on the plan."

"Both father and I are the victims of malignant children."

"As you can see my eyes are very unusual but they're not as unusual as my father's. Mine are a white-blue, but similar. My father's are not, he has one white-blue eye similar to mine. But his other eye is bright green so you can imagine the bullying and teasing that he got as a young boy."

"In the eyes of other children Father and I are freaks that need shunned and eliminated from their sight. I don't think that anyone who hasn't gone through it can understand the impact on a child's psyche."

"The constant poking, prodding, shoving, and hitting that never relents, the teasing, taunts, and constant, constant belittling that's endless. The teachers never participated of course. But by the mere omission of the effort to stop it, they condoned it."

"Honored Father's growth pattern and mine were identical; at least that's what he tells me. We were small bodied children until we had a growth spurt and then grew tremendously, even painfully. I can attest that the term 'growing pains' is very real. Also that growth was totally uncoordinated. I can remember not being able to walk across a bare hardwood floor and not trip or fall, much to the ridicule of anyone around me, including myself."

"Koei chichi is taller than I am and much, much heavier muscled. He's between 6 foot eight and 6 foot nine and weighs well over 250 pounds, running an 8% body fat ratio. But like me as children we were under average size for our ages."

"His growth spurt started the summer into his freshman year of high school. Being female mine started much earlier. At the end of the sixth grade I was 6 foot and still growing. Having been in the sergeants' plan for two years already, my strength was increasing. But height, strength and my eyes were the source of my ridicule rather than a benefit. Honored Father described his early years as being hell on earth... he said mine were worse."

"Boys get into fights, scream and yell at each other, then go play ball. Girls don't fight like boys, but they can hurt each other in the mind and that cuts much deeper, more permanent. They can hurt men in this same way too, in the mind and heart. But women can hurt other women even worse, no matter what their age may be, woman or child."

"Because of my eyes I was a lonely abused child with no friends, except for my father. When my growth spurt started of course malignant children got worse. But what became even more damaging was that I started to hate my father. After all, he was the one that gave me these eyes and made me grow so damn tall with feet that couldn't walk. I was growing up to be just like him and I didn't want to be! I'd rather be like Mother."

"Mother was petite, beautiful and a friend with everyone, and everyone was friends with Mother. There were a lot of adult parties at Honored Father's house and Mother was always Hostess, she loved that role and people loved coming to Mother's parties. I sat in a dark corner and watched, wished and dreamed."

{{ She loved her mother very much. She talks of Father with much respect and attention. But just now her face and her mind dropped into a beautiful dream a thousand miles away, just at the mere thought of her mother. }}

"It's not like Father didn't have friends it's just that his friends were few and friends he'd had for a long time. Father is large and intimidating, add in the way his eyes look and it's needless to say he doesn't make friends easily. It's no wonder I had the same problem."

"When my growth spurt started I felt my life couldn't get worse. The guilt I felt over starting to hate my father, my intense desire for someone... just anyone to love me. The depression and loneliness multiplied in my own mind. No one besides my father or mother cared for me, or even wanted me to exist. They 'had' to, they're my parents, it's their duty to raise and care for me."

"But no one else did."

(Betsy:)

"You're probably sitting there thinking that this was a classic case for teen suicide, and you'd be right. I thought a lot about it, after all no one wanted me..."

{{ Oh my God Betsy, what are you doing!! Why am I sitting here telling this little old Japanese man about the worst parts of my life... because he asked?? God why! I'm a very private person, why am I spilling my guts to a man I just met?? }}

"... at least not the gangling giant of a girl that I was. The thing about it was that I couldn't blame them either. I hated myself worse than the malignant children did..."

{{ Why am I confiding in this old man? Shut up Betsy, you are not this type of woman. You don't even have a best girlfriend who's a confidant. Those thoughts of suicide you haven't even talked to Robert your husband about, or even Father. }}

"... but I did more than think about it, I planned it. In the middle of the winter my seventh grade year, I decided I was done. Mother and Father loved me because they had too; Elder Brother had his interests and didn't care about me. At school not one... single... child or teacher cared about me, except to ridicule me. I was done, and that night would be the night..."

{{ But as I watch him... this little old man, I can see that he's doing something that I had to learn, the art of listening. He's actually... physically... listening to what I'm saying. Because I had to learn the technique I can now see it in him, that focus, that concentration it takes to really listen. The art of listening cannot be done in the 'I' mode, the id, the 'me' must be set aside to truly hear with the ears. }}

"... that I left this hateful, hurtful world. I already had my route planned and all the necessary doors unlocked, ready for me to leave, to leave my house, home and life in the middle of the night. There was a tree on a small hill behind our house that was my friend. I often went and talked to it while gazing over the valley..."

{{When you're not 'listening' it's hard not to judge whatever the other person is saying to you, at the same time as they're talking. It's hard not to judge how they say it or the words they use. If you're not 'listening' you're probably already planning your response to what they haven't finished saying yet. Already judging the person for what they are by what they haven't finished saying yet. }}

"... of houses and lights, of the mountains far off in the distance. That night it was cold out and would get much, much worse. But I didn't mind the cold in fact sometimes I liked the solitude and quiet of it. Somewhere I'd heard of what it felt like to freeze to death, and I didn't think that would be so bad..."

{{ To really listen you must be totally involved in understanding what they're telling you. To really listen whether you believe it's right or wrong. Your focus must be totally on what they're saying to you, on 'understanding' what they're saying.

If you're 'listening' correctly, who you're listening to can only feel your concentration, your total focus on them. What that feels like to them, is that it matters what they say to you, that 'they' matter to you.

I guess that underneath it all I'm still that little girl who wants anyone... everyone to like her. I'm wondering if this little old man might end up becoming a friend. }}

"... to sit at my tree and listen to the quiet. To shiver for a while and then go to sleep... and... be... forever free!"

"That night after supper father sat with me on the couch and put in my favorite movie. We watched it and talked of normal things, how my day was at school, if my workout went good. It wasn't unusual that he did this, but this night he put his arm around me and stroked my hair. Somewhere in there I fell asleep and woke up in my bed the next morning."

"I didn't go to school that morning or any of that day really. Mother and Father took me to an office where I met Dr. Kerry for the first time. Dr. Kerry and I would talk a lot over the next four years that she was my therapist."

"But when you're first starting out therapy helps only when they're talking to you. You still have the time between appointments to deal with your life. That is where the 'Sergeant's Plan' or the Bushidō helped save my life."

"The things that Dr. Kerry was teaching me caused a lot of frustration in me. She was convincing me that it wasn't my fault for the malignant children's actions. My frustration came from the word 'fair', it wasn't fair what they were doing to me. That made me mad, but I was also mad at myself. I didn't understand why I couldn't fight back or retaliate."

"I never fought back; it was almost like I couldn't. While it was happening thoughts of retaliation eluded my mind. I would just sit there dumbfounded and in pain. Thoughts of retaliation came much later and caused a lot of my frustration with myself. I still had thoughts of suicide, but now they were because of my disgust of myself."

"Dr. Kerry asked me of my self-image... a giant Quasimodo with tits was my reply."

"Quasimodo, what is this Quasimodo?"

"Quasimodo is the hunchback of Notre Dame. A deformed and extremely ugly person who's mostly deaf and can only hear the ringing of the colossal church bell of Notre Dame Cathedral when he was standing right underneath it."

"Ah, a tragic figure in literature."

"Yes, a very tragic figure, but here's where the Bushidō came in to help me. When I would get too frustrated with myself, I would go to our gym and the weight bags that we had for boxing and karate. We had several types; a heavy bag, a speed bag, a reflex bag on a flexible pole, and a double suspended striking bag. I would use them all, but mostly the heavy bag and the double suspended. Plus the several striking dummy's we had."

"When my frustration level was too high, I would try to beat those bags and myself into submission and exhaustion. But I learned I had to be careful too. Koei chichi grounded me away from them for a time. Because I didn't take care my hands and had beat them all bloody and torn. He felt this was too much for a 13-year-old girl. So I learned to wear heavy gloves, and it helped some."

At this I showed him my hands, all rough skin, scars and heavy knuckles. Appearance showed a fighter's hands, not a woman's, but a boxer who'd fought for years. The only thing feminine about them was the proportions that I'd been born with. The long fingers and the narrow palm of a woman, but I also had the heavy knuckles and thick skin of a fighter.

"The Bushidō and the 'Sergeant's Way' wouldn't let me just flail away at the bags. Both are the driving quest for perfection and I couldn't let that drop. So it was multiple instructors, Katas and learning until I got it perfectly correct in muscle memory. Then when frustration overcame me I attacked those bags with all the power I could deliver until exhaustion dropped me."

"Like I said, father and I were freaks to be shunned. So I had no friends, no after-school activities. I spent all my time... alone... in physical fitness, martial arts training and buried in books."

{{ Ah, now I understand, she forged and tempered herself. She was the blacksmith of her own childhood. }}

"Dr. Kerry was getting me to realize that I was the one that allowed malignant children to hurt me. That I also was the one who had control of myself and whether or not I let that treatment affect me. She was also getting me to know myself, the pieces and traits that make up the 'I' that is me. I am a passive introvert, an introspective empath that's concerned too much about others. But even though I have studied the Bushidō and many others of the warrior arts, I am not a warrior..."

At my denial of being a warrior the little old man shakes his head vigorously.

"That's not right beautiful lady, I felt the warrior in you at your first step through my door. I felt your power and your presence even though your head was bowed. You may not have had to fight yet, but you are a warrior, a dangerous warrior."

"But Sensei, I don't even spar in practicing the arts of the Bushidō. The only thing I strike at is a weight bag or striking dummy. Honored father's way is not the 'Way of the Warrior.' We do not practice the arts to learn how to vanquish an enemy. In Father's house there is no enemy, only the desire to make the body the absolute best it can be."

"Then why does Koei chichi train his children in the Bushidō?"

"Hum... I asked him that question once. I asked him why we didn't just do aerobics as an exercise if we weren't going to use karate to learn to fight. He answered me with a question, 'what do you have left when your aerobic exercise is finished? And what did you learn?' I didn't have an answer for him, other than the knowledge of performing aerobics."

"Koei chichi said that when the aerobics exercise was finished, all was done. But when the martial arts exercise finished you were left with the knowledge of how to defend yourself if you needed too. Plus that included the discipline and the meditation that are part of the Bushidō. Plus the Bushidō contains a lifetime of learning. That's why we were trained in the Bushidō."

"But why learn Kenjutsu, the 'Way of the Sword' is combat? In ancient times when two sword Masters would contest. It seldom lasted more than a few heartbeats and always ended with the death of one master. Sometimes both were severely injured, and the winner determined by which was left alive. Kenjutsu has almost no defense; its primary defense is attack."

"Yes, I and others will teach defensive moves, sometimes even whole sets of moves as a defensive counter. But, in mortal combat there's little time for defense and it's seldom used. Kenjutsu is a fight to the death. So why does Koei chichi wish you to learn Kenjutsu?"

"I don't think that Koei chichi is even thinking of that. Someone important to him gave him a 400-year-old Katana named the Strike of Truth for Christmas. With a note admonishing him to try something new, so he is. In learning Kenjutsu he thought I would enjoy learning it too, and because of a genetic gift of mine I would be superb at it."

"Genetic gift what might that be?"

"Ah, well Father told me I should warn you of it. Sensei please guard your teacup."

"My teacup?"

"Yes, your teacup please, guard it. Are you guarding it?"

"Yes, why do..." AND my teacup vanished into her hands!! I had not even seen her move!

"Koei chichi and others have said that I have the fastest reflexes and hands that they have ever seen. Many have tried to beat me at games of speed but none have. Some Sensei of other disciplines would constantly test me. All of my muscles seem to be a predominance of fast twitch type. I am not the fastest runner, but very close to it. In plain body movements I am very, very fast. But in reflexes and hand movements I am unbeatable, at least so far."

"Ah yes, there is an old Japanese story of a much celebrated sword master who was taught humility by a extremely fast farm boy and a staff of wood.

Many an accomplished Sensei has had his head thumped by a first time young student with nothing but exceptional speed. In some types of physical contests only tactics and much experience have been able to beat truly exceptional speed, and sometimes even that does not work."

"The soft headed old Sensei that I am always analyzes all new students before putting my head in danger. But yes, Koei chichi is entirely right, in Kenjutsu speed is king. Even as unromantic as it may seem to be. In all those ancient sword contests of heartbeats often speed was the deciding factor, and decades of training, discipline and skill mattered for naught."

"Might I have my teacup back now?"

"Oh sorry, yes Honored Sensei... certainly." As she deeply bowed over the table.

"Taji Toiguchi."

"Pardon...?"

"That is my name... Taji Toiguchi. Please call me Taji when it is just you and I... Betsy if I may?"

"Of course Sen... Taji, and Betsy is fine. They have called me that since I was a young girl."

"But I would prefer the use of Sensei when the young children are around, please."

"Yes Sensei always, young children need to learn discipline and respect most of all."

"Well, aside from scheduling lessons, one task remains. I am sure you noticed that when I dismissed all the little ones their parents were here in cars to take them away immediately. The neighborhood around my dojo has been deteriorating. This was a nice place with many good neighbors. They have gone and now I find that animals are moving in."