A Ghost of a Chance

Annie smiled as best she could. It was moments like this one that threw a harsh light onto her predicament. Annie knew Cal liked holding hands as much as she did. But Cal always disengaged. It felt having a recurring dream that never reaches its conclusion. Time to bite the bullet, just like Jess said.

"Cal, what are we doing?"

Cal slid the phone back into her pocket, "We're going to drinks. With the boring lawyers."

Annie shook her head, "I mean, you and me. What are we doing?"

"We're hanging out. Like we always do." Cal smiled uneasily, sensing that Annie was about to give voice to the very issue Cal had just been thinking about.

"Yeah, except you and me, we don't hang out with other people. We are together, all the time. All. The. Time. And I love it. I love spending time with the kids, I love spending time with you. I love having dinner with you and thinking that only an hour has gone by but when I look up, I realize we are the only ones left in the restaurant and they are closing up. When I'm with you, I think about how much I'm going to miss you when we say goodbye. In any other circumstance, I'd be thinking that I've been going on these amazing dates with this awesome person. And I know you've said you're not ready to date, but I think you feel something for me, just like I do for you... So that's why I'm asking: what are we doing?"

Cal's stomach lurched. Fuck. "We're just hanging out," Cal said lamely. She knew she was being unfair to Annie. But she couldn't say the words she knew Annie wanted her to say.

The piercing squeal of brakes announced the arrival of the bus. Passengers got off the bus and made their way around Cal and Annie.

Annie nodded and looked at the bus as her eyes started to shine with tears, "Okay, Cal. I get it. I'm not pushing you to do anything you don't want to do. I really am not." Annie took a breath, "But we -- I mean, me -- I can't do this, whatever it is, anymore. I... I like you too much."

Cal's heart was soaring... and breaking. She couldn't bear seeing Annie so sad, so hurt. Just let her go, Cal. "Annie, I'm so sorry. I never meant to put you in this position. I understand why you can't do this anymore. I haven't been fair to you. I'm sorry."

Annie stared at Cal, too stunned by Cal's words to say anything other than, "I'm sorry, too."

The two of them gazed sadly at each other, the finality of their conversation slowly sinking in. The doors of the bus hissed and snapped closed. With a dull, tired groan, the bus rumbled east, leaving Cal and Annie alone again at the bus stop.

Annie sniffed, "Okay," she said quietly, "Okay. I need to go. I have to go... Good night, Cal." Annie placed a gentle kiss on Cal's cheek, turned, and walked away.

Cal couldn't move. Annie's kiss felt like a fiery brand. She watched Annie walk away, shoulders hunched. Cal knew Annie was crying, knew that there were a million things she should be doing to make things right, but she just stood there, watching, until Annie reached the end of the block, made a turn, and disappeared from view.

Annie collapsed into a heap the moment she got home. It had taken all of her self-control not to run back to Cal as she walked away. She wiped her coat sleeve across her face and took a deep breath.

Alex walked out to see her best friend sitting on the floor in the entryway, tears streaming down her face. She crouched down and pulled Annie into a hug, "Oh, Bella-bear. What happened?"

"I told her I couldn't do this anymore. And she said, 'okay.'" Annie sobbed.

Jess sat down on the other side of Annie and stroked her arm gently, "I'm sorry, Annie."

Annie looked up and leaned her head against the door, "She didn't even hesitate. She just... she just..." Annie's throat cramped up, "She just let me walk away." And with those painful words spoken, Annie buried her face in Alex's shoulder and cried.

The three sat without talking until Annie's breath no longer hitched with sobs. Alex fetched a tub of ice cream from the freezer and three spoons from the kitchen.

"Arizona is beautiful this time of year. And the snow at the Canyon is pristine. None of the slushy dirty snow business that one has to deal with in New York..." Alex mused as she chewed on her spoon.

Annie sighed, "Tickets are going to be highway robbery at this point, and there's no way I'm going to be able to get a room."

"Room with Nick. He'd welcome the company: he was just whinging about being the odd one out."

"What happened to Sofia?" Annie sniffed.

Jess rolled her eyes, "Who knows. My brother's dating patterns are a mystery to me."

Alex grabbed her phone, "I'm going to see if I can get you on our flight tomorrow with my miles... give me a mo."

"Did you know Alex graduated to some elite tier of airline miles status earlier this year? She's like George Clooney in that movie, 'Up In the Air.'"

Alex scowled, "I'm not sad, single, or soulless.... And hey presto, thanks to my George Clooney miles, you can go to Arizona with us tomorrow, Annabelle Frye!"

"WHAT?" Annie shrieked, "I'm not packed, I can't go!"

Jess grinned, "Course you can. You can pack now."

"I don't have presents for your parents and Nick!"

Alex wagged a finger, "Nope -- can't use that as an excuse either -- we exchanged gifts before coming over -- less to pack."

"I can't afford the hotel room."

Alex wagged her finger again, "Already paid for, and the second bed in Nick's room is going to be there whether you go or not..."

"... So you might as well go," Jess finished.

Annie wanted to stay. She wanted to see if Cal would change her mind and come around. But she knew reality would be otherwise. She looked at Alex, who had her thumb poised above an icon on her phone.

Fuck it. "Okay. I'll go."

"Yes!!" Alex exclaimed. She navigated through the ticketing screens and waved the confirmation in front of Annie's face, "This is going to be brilliant!"

Annie smiled bravely. Breathe, she told herself.

Several miles northeast, Cal was staring out of the window of her colleague's apartment. The lights of Manhattan's west side twinkled at her from across Central Park, and she could just make out the thin sliver of the moon in the sky.

"I thought you were going to bring Annie tonight?" Steve Roland asked quietly as he stepped up beside her.

"She couldn't make it," Cal said bluntly, not looking away from the window.

Steve let out a long sigh, "Penny for your thoughts?"

"I'm fairly sure you make me charge more than that..." Cal smiled.

"I get the house rate."

Cal nodded with a smile, "Yes, that you do."

Steve looked out across Central Park, "So what's on your mind?"

"Not much," Cal shrugged, "A whole lot of empty."

Steve nodded wordlessly. He had only met Annie once, but it was abundantly clear when he met her that something more than friendship existed between the two women. Cal had introduced Annie as a friend, and Steve accepted it at face value. Steve was too respectful of Cal's privacy to pry into the reason behind Cal's current state of melancholy, but Annie's absence and his own intuition was filling in enough of the gaps that he quite easily guessed what had happened between the two. It made him sad to see his protegee struggle with this one aspect of her life. He wanted to help.

"Hey Steve!" A voice shouted from across the room.

Cal and Steve both turned. One of the other partners was waving him over, "Come settle a bet for me!"

Steve lifted his hand in acknowledgement, before turning to Cal, "I know you're still going through all kinds of pain right now, and I also know you can take care of yourself so you probably don't want me butting in. But I don't like seeing you like this... and I feel bound to remind you that sometimes, it's easy to mistake fear for pain."

Cal frowned. Where is he going with this? She felt herself bristle with defensiveness, "Fear? I don't know what you're talking about, Steve."

Steve anticipated Cal's response, "I know. Let me explain. Chief Justice Earl Warren..."

Cal sensed a mini-lecture on the horizon, but smiled gamely, "Yes, one of your heroes..."

Steve nodded, "He said this, 'Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile, I caught hell for.'"

"What does that have to do with fear?"

"Catching hell. It's not something one invites willingly, and it's certainly an antagonizing hurdle to navigate. But I agree with him: If it's worthwhile, you should do it."

"Okay Steve," Cal tapped her head with intentional nonchalance, "I'll keep it in mind."

"Hey," Steve leaned forward, his older grey eyes boring into Cal's blue ones, "I'm serious. Look, you know I thought the world of Becca, so don't take what I'm going to say next in the wrong way, okay?"

Cal nodded.

"I'm really sorry Annie couldn't make it tonight."

Cal nodded again. Before she could come up with a reply, Steve patted her on the shoulder and waded back into the party.

Cal didn't think it possible, but she felt even worse. Not only had she and Annie parted ways on terrible terms, but Steve... Steve Roland, of all people, felt compelled to say something about Annie. I just did everything all wrong: gave off the wrong signals and led Annie on, distracted myself with an idiotic crush that I had should have done away with months ago. I'm not doing right by Becca and I know she's watching this and hating it.

The view outside the window offered no solace. Somewhere, on the other side of the Manhattan, Cal knew that Annie was hurting. Cal wished that she had had the clear-headedness to say something other than what she said. Maybe it's better that it happened as it did. I don't think I would have had the willpower to stop spending time with Annie. Which was the problem to begin with.

--Chapter 9: The Palm Reader (One Week Later -- Christmas Day)--

"Wow, that was quite a day!" May collapsed onto the couch. It had been a whirlwind of activity starting at six in the morning when the twins woke up. In a present-opening frenzy of epic proportions, Adrian and Jamie led the household through twenty-eight minutes of manic gift-paper ripping. The rest of the day was spent recovering from that episode and Cal desperately trying to instill some perspective in her children on how not to treat the holiday as material consumption run amok. Cal's family all got together for a large Christmas brunch at Brandon's, after which Cal and the kids returned to their Upper West Side apartment for dinner with Becca's family.

With the children finally in bed, the adults found themselves in the living room, marveling at the fact that they came through it all in one piece.

"Becca would have loved today," David mused.

May nodded and slid her hand into his, "Except for the part where you argue about the turkey with her."

David sat up, "I will never subscribe to cooking stuffing outside the bird. Then it's not STUFFING! It's just STUFF!"

"Dad," Alan threw his head backwards, "Oh. My. God. Will you stop with the stuffing? No one agrees with you. Becca was the only one who, for whatever reason, had the stamina to try and convince you that you are wrong, year after year after year!"

"Yes, she was," David smiled sadly, "What was that phrase she used?"

There was a beat, and then they all said at once, "Cooking stuffing inside a turkey is the modern day contribution to Darwinian Natural Selection."

They all laughed. Cal knew that Becca would be laughing along with them too. She looked around the room, grateful that the Chens have remained in her life -- and in the kids' lives. They've mourned Becca together, celebrated her together, and just recently, they've begun laughing together again.

"With Becca, you were never confused about her stance in any debate," May said.

Cal chuckled, "She would have been horrified about the presents today, no doubt about it. I think I overdid it."

May waved the sentiment away, "Stop. You did great. The kids had a great time. We had a great time. Your kids have been through a lot... we've been through a lot, so we should count our blessings where we can -- and those kids are blessed with a great family of grandparents and aunts and uncles who dote on them. The presents were just right... and that set of Animal Kingdom costumes from Annie was pitch-perfect."

"Speaking of which, where's Annie? Will she be coming over this week?" Alan rubbed his eyes.

Cal shook her head.

"She was nice," David said, "I liked meeting her when she stopped by. Is she spending Christmas in New York?"

Cal shook her head once more, "I think she said her siblings were going to be in Philly."

"That's too bad -- the kids were just saying how they wished she could have stopped by today," David yawned, "Wow, I really am beat! Okay. I think I need to go to bed. I've never been this tired on Christmas!"

May elbowed her husband playfully, "Honey, you loved it. I'll come to bed soon. I'm going to help Cal clean up."

Alan got up and stretched, "We're meeting up with some of Heather's friends for drinks -- we better get going."

May kissed her son and Heather and saw them out.

Cal was loading the dishwasher when May joined her. "Cal, what happened between you and Annie?"

"Nothing. Nothing happened." Cal said as evenly as possible, worried that May thought Cal had betrayed Becca's memory with a thoughtless fling that ended badly.

"Cal!"

Cal looked up, shocked by May's sharp tone.

"You guys aren't texting anymore. You don't bring her up in conversation anymore. And you've been schlumping around like you have a two-by-four up your ass. What happened?"

"We decided to spend less time together. Annie needed some space. And I needed it, too."

"Annie... needed... space?" May repeated, her voice dripping with disbelief.

Cal nodded. She kicked the dishwasher shut.

"And you're okay with that?"

"Yes, why shouldn't I be?"

May clucked her tongue, "Seriously, Cal? I really like Annie. You better not be spending less time with her on my account."

Cal heart sped up; May was reading her like a book, "I'm not," she insisted, "it's what she wanted and I wanted to respect what she wanted. Don't start with the twenty questions -- my mother already gave me an earful about it this morning."

May looked at Cal and seemed to make her mind up about something. "Cal, do you remember when Becca brought you to our family reunion in Hong Kong when you guys first got together?"

Cal nodded, "Yeah. Everyone hated me."

"Did Becca tell you why?"

"She said you guys didn't believe that I loved her."

May nodded, "Did she tell you anything beyond that?"

Cal frowned as she thought back to that trip. Becca had completely dismissed her family's incivility and attributed it to narrowmindedness. Cal looked at May and shrugged, "Not really, I just assumed it was because of how conservative everyone was."

The older woman chuckled, "She was only telling you a half truth. We were all uncomfortable. But it wasn't the fact that you are a woman."

Cal couldn't fathom why Becca would have obfuscated the truth. Somewhere, she heard Becca's lilting laughter. Yeah, I know you're enjoying this, wherever you are...

"You remember going to Wong Tai Sin temple?"

Cal nodded. Becca took her to the tourist trap on one of the first days of the visit. The temple was crowded, full of tourists and locals. They had gone with a couple of Becca's cousins, who wanted to get their palms read. Cal had been a good sport and had her palm read, too. Trouble was, she didn't understand Cantonese, and Becca had to translate.

"The woman who read your palm saw something that makes sense only now." May raised her eyebrows as she said this, "Can you guess what it might have been?"

Cal's eyebrows furrowed as she thought back, "I didn't understand a word she said. Becca was translating. Something about my life being long and that I would be loved by many people. Standard thing they tell tourists, probably."

May shook her head, "Becca was always quick on her feet. She changed the meaning of the reading."

"What do you mean?"

May sighed, "Stella told me what the palm reader said after you guys came back. It upset me. Becca told me to ignore it. She said it didn't mean what I thought it meant."

Cal was surprised, "This was why you guys had an argument? And why Stella gave me the cold shoulder? Because of the palm reader?"

"Yes," May nodded, "Stella came back and told me that the palm reader looked at your palm and said that you would live a long life, and that you would have two spouses... actually, the word is more like 'beloved' or 'betrothed'... there's no exact translation."

"WHAT?" Cal was stunned. She looked down at her hands, wondering how the lines on her palms would tell such a lie, "May, I never cheated on Becca."

"My dear, I know. I know that now. But I came to the same conclusion you just did when I first heard it. I thought it meant you had someone else in your heart."

"I didn't!" Cal's eyes brimmed with tears.

"Cal, Cal, it's okay." May gripped Cal's arm, "I tell you this because Becca reminded me of this before she... wasn't able to any more. I'd forgotten all about it, but Becca reminded me, because she wanted me to tell you what really happened that day. She asked me to tell you -- when the time was right -- what the palm reader really said."

Cal couldn't speak. Rebecca Chen, why the hell didn't you tell me this??!!

"Becca wanted me to tell you that she believes the palm reader. And you should, too."

Tears were springing from Cal's eyes, "The palm reader was wrong. There was nobody else!"

May was crying, too. "Cal, I know. But that's not what Becca meant. She believed the palm reader meant you will fall in love again after she... after Becca. And that was important to her. She did not want you to spend the rest of your life mourning her."

"Too bad!" Cal spat out, "it's not up to her! I will never-- oh, she is SO infuriating!"

May laughed and wiped her eyes, "Yes! She was infuriating. But she was right. I believe the palm reader, too."

Cal frowned again, "You are a professor of astrophysics. Doesn't that conflict with, you know, science? Why would you believe the palm reader?"

"Because you're lucky enough to have fallen in love again and you won't admit it. And you're right: I don't need a palm reader to tell me either of those things. Anybody can see it."

Once again, Cal was speechless. First Torrey, then her mother, and now May, all of them calling Cal out on something she thought she'd kept hidden away.

May kept pushing, "Cal, it's clear you love her and that she loves you. Even David has noticed, and he has the EQ of a chopstick - and I can say that because I've been married to him for forty-five years."

"May... No, it's not..." Cal felt like her heart was being held in a vice. She was on auto-pilot: deny, deny, deny. It'll go away.

May crossed her arms and sighed, "There is one person who makes you smile in a way that I hadn't seen in months and months. It's the same person who makes my grandchildren laugh the way they used to when Becca was alive. It's the same person you all miss and won't stop talking about."

Annie.

Cal shook her head. Sure, Annie was amazing: funny, smart, caring, gorgeous. May was right, Annie did make her smile. Cal knew there was a connection there -- love, even -- but the idea of admitting it out loud was terrifying. And there was Becca -- where her heart was supposed to belong.

"I made my vows to Becca, May. And I owe it to the kids to honor them."

May looked at Cal defiantly, "That is the biggest crock of shit you've ever come up with. Yes -- you made vows. But guess what? Becca isn't around to uphold her vows to you anymore. You can't honor the vows you two exchanged on your own. It doesn't work like that. This is why Becca wanted me to tell you about the palm reader. She said you would insist on being blindly loyal to her. And it's not what she wanted for you. She wanted you to fall in love again. It's been more than a year now... you don't need to mourn forever."