A Mature Model

In a complete panic I drove to the pharmacy and bought a test kit. At home I used the kit and almost fainted when it yielded a positive result. I was pregnant. But how?

Now you talk about a person who had taken leave of her senses; well listen to this!

Lou had gotten fixed after our son was born. So, for over twenty years we had regular sex without having to take precautions. I had become so accustomed to the unprotected sex that I didn't even think about it when Ken and I started having sex. In fact I really hadn't given it a thought until this afternoon.

The discovery, needless to say had me distressed and upset beyond words. But the next thought that entered my head sent me screaming and crying to my bed. Not only was I pregnant, but I didn't know if it was Ken's or Tyrone's.

Sometime late in the afternoon I cried myself to sleep. When Lou came home he found me on, not in, the bed and knew, just by looking at me, that something was terribly wrong. I awoke as he sat on the edge of the bed, let out a bawl, and buried my head back in the pillow. Lou tried to find out what was happening and I told him that I didn't feel at all well and to please leave me alone.

He reluctantly left the bedroom. I was left in my misery. How does a wife tell her husband that she is pregnant, especially when it is obvious that it is not his? Well it was obvious that I couldn't make it go away and that it would become obvious after a while and there would be no way to have an abortion without Lou knowing. I cried myself back to sleep knowing that I would have to tell him. I also knew that I couldn't put off telling him until it became obvious or he figured it out for himself.

I was aware that Lou had poked his head into the room several times when I was actually awake. Each time I lay still and pretended to be asleep. I didn't want to talk to or face him right now. But, I woke up when he came to bed about ten o'clock. There was no way I could feign sleep at this time because I was still shuddering from my last crying jag.

He got into bed and snuggled up behind me and put his arm over me. Then in a very loving and tender voice he said, "Hon, let's get this out. I looked in on you several times earlier, and I know that you were awake on at least two of those times. I have never seen you like this and I know that something is terribly wrong. Let's get it out in the open where we can discuss it and handle it."

"Did something happen at the party on Friday night?"

He tried to roll me over so that we were facing as I sobbed, "Oh Lou. I can't, I'm so sorry. I need some time. I can't discuss it now. Please give me some time."

He was quiet for a minute and then in a very soft, but not particularly tender voice, "Have you had sex with Ken? Did you have sex at the party? Is that the trouble?"

I let out a wail and burst into a new round of tears and body wracking shivers.

Then he said, "If that's what it is about, let's talk. Please turn over and look at me. With what you guys have been doing I was afraid it might get out of hand. Please talk to me. If that's what has happened, we can work something out. It's not the end of the world."

That did it. I flopped around to partially face him and wailed, "Oh yes the world has ended." Then I blurted out through the overriding anguish, "I'm pregnant."

I felt Lou stiffen and then in an incredulous voice exclaim, "What? How in the hell... No, who in the hell...I mean, Oh shit. What did you just say?"

Through tears, again "I'm pregnant Lou."

Lou took his arm from around me and lay quiet for several moments. Then, "Are you sure?"

I wailed, "Yes."

"Oh shit. Damn it, let's go sit in the living room and talk about this. I don't even know where to start. I'll fix us a drink. I think we both need one. I can't believe this."

I knew that there was no side stepping things now. The whole rotten situation had to be revealed. I agreed to meet him in the living room after I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom I lost whatever had been in my stomach, washed my face, and went out with my stomach in lots of very tight knots. I had trouble standing up straight.

While Lou fixed the drinks I tried to compose myself as I balled up on the couch. It took about an hour and frequent floods of tears to tell Lou what I felt he needed to know. With his questions, I side stepped some issues. I did nothing to let him believe anything other than our affair had just begun and that we had been together just a few times. Naturally, I was very careful not to mention Tyrone.

When I explained how I hadn't even thought about protection, Lou exploded. "Damn it to hell woman. I have always credited you with being pretty damned smart. It sure as hell looks like I was wrong. How could you have been so stupid?"

"Answer this. If you have the baby, who is going to take care of the little bastard? I'm looking forward to retirement, not baby sitting a bastard child."

I whimpered that I was sorry and he then asked if Ken knew I was pregnant. I told him, no, that I had just found out this afternoon.

He sat there with a scowl on his face and then said, "In the morning we are going to visit young Mr. Maxon and let him in on our wonderful secret.

"Oh Lou, I'll tell him tomorrow. You don't have to do it. Besides, we don't want to involve Pat and Gerald."

"Barbara, first, we are not going to involve Pat and Gerald (pause) yet. Secondly, I'm not going to leave you alone with him. I've got a lot of thinking to do and I will take the day off. We'll go over after everyone had gone to work. There is nothing more to discuss now."

We had started back to the bedroom when he injected, "Oh, by-the-way, just so you know right up front, there is absolutely no question, but that you are going to have an abortion ASAP. The only question about the abortion is: how soon can we get it scheduled?"

"Now go and try to get some sleep. I'll sleep in the other bedroom, if I'm able to sleep at all. One last thing, Did you record any of your activity?"

I didn't want to answer that and I replied, "What do you mean Lou?"

Wrong response. He exploded, "Damn it Barb. Don't play stupid with me. Did you idiots make pictures of you fucking?"

Referring to me 'fucking' hurt. I quietly, almost inaudibly, said, "Yes." I had really never thought of what Ken and I had done as 'fucking' or being fucked.

* * * * * *

I slept very fitfully and I don't think Lou slept at all. Neither of us wanted to have anything to eat. So we had coffee and waited for the Maxons to leave for work.

Just as they left, the phone rang and I picked it up. It was Ken wanting to know how I was and whether I was coming over today.

I told him I would be there in a few minutes and that Lou was coming also.

I detected the alarm in Ken's voice and tried to get off the phone before he got past asking why Lou was coming. I just told him we would be there in a few minutes.

As we went out the back door, Lou opened the tool box that he keeps in the rear entry and extracted what he calls a 'two pound mall.' It looks like a hammer but it has a big heavy head on it and nothing for pulling nails.

I panicked and asked him what he needed that for. He simply took me by the arm, forced me out the door and told me he was taking it just in case he needed to do some persuading.

"Lou, you can't do that. Please put that away. I already told you that it was my fault. I seduced him. Please Lou."

Before I could plead any more, we were at Ken's and he met us at the back door. I was frightened beyond belief and didn't know what to do.

Ken gave Lou a friendly greeting and reached out to shake. Lou had mostly hidden the mall, the way he was carrying it, and simply pushed by Ken telling him that this was not a social visit, that Barbara had something to tell him but that we needed to have our discussion in his studio.

Ken looked very uneasy, no, not uneasy, but panicked, as he politely led the way. Lou found a seat and looking at me he said, "Go ahead Barbara and tell Ken your wonderful news."

Ken brightened up and looking at me said, "Let me hear it. I'm always ready for wonderful news."

I couldn't control it any longer and Niagara Fall took full control. Ken's smile disappeared faster than it had come on. (blubbering) "Ken, I'm pregnant."

Every ounce of color drained from Ken's face and he grabbed the edge of the desk to steady himself. (weakly) "You're pregnant? Oh, my God. Oh shit."

Things went dead silent, outside of my gasping, for several moments. Then Lou spoke up as he rose from his chair.

Looking at Ken he said, "I know you have lots of pictures of Barb. Right?"

"Well yes, quite a few."

"I want all of them right now."

Ken hesitated, not knowing how shaky the ground was and then replied, "OK, I'll get them."

Ken went to the filing cabinet and after fumbling around for a minute produced a large manila envelope full of pictures and gave it to Lou.

Lou put the envelope on the light table and opened it. He pulled the pictures out and thumbed through them. He fixed his gaze on Ken and asked if this were all of the pictures.

Even through the tears I could see that there were none of the pictures of Ken and me. I started to heave a slight sigh of relief when I realized that just before coming I had told Lou that there were pictures of us.

Ken affirmed that those were all.

With that, Lou produced the mall and in a flash brought it down on Ken's $200 flood lamp and stand. Glass flew and the head of the lamp came off the base and went crashing to the floor.

"Ken, you had better stop lying and you had better start producing or the equipment in this studio is going to be history."

"OK, OK, let me look again. Give me a minute."

Very quickly Ken produced two more envelopes, larger than the first one.

Again, Lou examined the contents. 'Sorry about the lamp Ken but I don't like being lied to. You should know that lying has a price. Now, is this all of the photos?"

"Yes, I swear it is"

'OK! Then next I want all of the source material; negatives, CD s, DVD s, memory sticks, whatever."

Ken didn't argue but produced several items.

"Ken, when I get home I'm going to examine this stuff. If I determine anything is missing, I'll be back and we don't want to have me need to come back, do we?"

"No, sir"

"OK, I've got all of the photos, right? So that's everything, right?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Ken, I believe you are missing the point. You have given me everything I have specifically asked for, right? But what I really mean is Do I now have "everything" (double quote gesture with the fingers) you and Barb have made? Are you absolutely sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. That's everything."

Then he looked at me and asked if that was everything.

Without thinking what was happening or where he was going, I confirmed that it was, as far as I knew. I had forgotten about the videos.

Like a bolt of lightning, he picked up the mall and it went up and then crashed down on a $900 video camera.

"You didn't make any videos?"

At this point the mall was poised above a $1500 digital camera.

Almost in a shriek, "Wait Lou. I forgot about the videos. I'll get them."

"Ken, it would be to your best interest to see to it that I have (two finger quote gesture again) everything. I'm not going to bust up anything more. But if I discover you have held anything back, I'll just ask your folks to get it for me. Understood?"

"Here, I don't need this anymore." With that he gently tossed the mall toward Ken. Ken was not expecting the weight and it slipped through his fingers and fell, crashing through the light table.

Lou, with a grin said, "Whoops."

His mission accomplished, Lou took me by the arm and escorted me out of the house.

Once home he reiterated that he was not going to work but that he was going to his office for a while. To my inquiry as to what he was going to do he simply said he had things to do and he needed to get away from the house and me to do some thinking.

This turned on the water works for me again. Speculating about what he was thinking, what was going on in his mind, and what he was going to do were unbearable. The only thing I knew from what he had said so far was that he was going to find a doctor who didn't know us and arrange for the abortion.

He left telling me not to expect him until he walked back in the door. I did note that he took all of the material from Ken's with him saying he was going to find a safe place for it. That hurt, knowing that he didn't trust me and wanted to protect what was now his evidence of my infidelity.

I watched Lou back out and drive away. Before I turned from the window I saw Ken go into his garage, back out, and leave. Then I noted that it was only a few minutes earlier than his normal departure time for work. How the world changes in an instant.

I worried, fretted, and cursed myself all day long. Finally, at mid-afternoon I was able to get a grip on myself and start considering some realities. However, the word 'divorce' seemed to enter every reality. By three o'clock I was so sick that death would have been an acceptable relief.

In the early afternoon Ken called to check in. He told me how sorry he was and we discussed the consequences and possible actions Lou might take. He apparently had not thought about Tyrone and I didn't mention him. When we hung up I really felt more depressed than before he called.

I tried to put together a decent supper and had pretty well succeeded when I realized it was after five and I hadn't heard from Lou. Now all sorts of evil gremlins invaded my thoughts and I was about to concede that this time he really was not going to return.

At six-fifteen I heard the front door lock turn and click. Lou entered the living room and in a shower of tears, I flew into his arms. Well not really, actually I grabbed him in my arms and pulled him to me. He didn't respond.

I looked at his face and it was missing all of the joy and love that it usually conveyed. All I was getting was an expressionless cold stare. His eyes were rimmed in red and I knew he had been crying; crying a lot.

He gently pushed me away and said, "OK, let's get this over with. Sit down and let's talk."

"Sweet, would you like some dinner first?"

"Only if you want to clean it up off the floor as fast as I try to get it down my throat."

Oh God, what's coming now? Until now I understood that I had hurt him. But until now I had never considered how badly I had hurt him. I would have been more merciful to have put a gun to his head. I also had that very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"It seems your description of your affair was not entirely accurate and you left out a few significant details."

"What do you mean?"

"Damn it Barbara, I'm tired and this has been a whole hell of a lot less than the happiest day of my life. But if you want to play dumb with me, I'll just ask you some simple questions and see if you can handle it that way."

"First, how long and how many times did you fuck Ken? Yes, I said fuck because there is no other word that describes what you did unless you have fallen in love with him and even then since he wasn't your husband, you were fucking him."

That really hit hard. "Lou, our affair started just before Pat and Gerald came home...

Interrupting, "What is the shit is just before; a day, five days, a week, two weeks, what?"

"Honey, it was a little over a week."

"Damn it to hell Barb, this is going to take all night. Am I going to have to pry every bit of information out?"

(barking) "What in the hell is 'a little over a week? Did you fuck him every day? Did you fuck him several times a day? I want an estimate of how many a 'few fucking times' were."

I was beginning to get really choked up. Lou was coming after me with a vengeance. There was no softness or love or understanding in his demeanor. Finally I said, "OK, if it will make you feel better, I fucked him on every weekday and sometimes twice. (choking and fighting the tears back) Does that answer your question? Is that what you want to hear? Does that make you feel better?"

"Yes, that's what I wanted to hear and No. it doesn't make me feel a damned bit better. I just want to know what and how much really happened. So here's the next question. Did you do things with him that you normally haven't or wouldn't do with me?

"Like what?"

"Barbara, I'm really getting pissed off. Are you going to answer me with questions or are you going to give me some straight answers? Let's get one thing straight right up front; I definitely have not ruled out asking for a divorce and that's what it will be if you keep messing with me."

The last remark smacked me into the stark reality of where things really were. I was staring directly into the face of divorce. It didn't surprise me but it assumed a much more sinister role hearing it come from Lou. Now I also concluded that while he was gone he had reviewed the material he got from Ken. Oh God, everything was out in the open now. He was testing me for lies and if he found lies, we were finished.

The flood gates opened again and through them I heard him saying, "You can drown in your tears if you want, but by God if you're not going to answer my questions, I'll just let you sign the divorce papers as soon as I can have them drawn up. Now damn it, what's it going to be?"

(almost a whisper) "I'll answer your questions Lou."

I answered as best I could with the tears flowing that yes, I had done things with Ken that I generally didn't or wouldn't do with him. Much of what I said in the remaining discussion was more of a blubber than anything else.

"Now it's my turn. Like what?"

"Oh Lou, do I have to spell them out for you? You know what I did. You've seen the pictures. Don't make me describe them. I'm so sorry"

"I want you to tell me what and then I want you to tell me why."

"You know. You've seen the pictures and videos. I'm sorry. What else can I say?"

"OK, I won't press the 'what' issue. So, now just tell me why. Why would you do things for or with your fuck buddy that you denied me?"

"Well I guess it was because it was exciting and naughty. It just seemed right with him. I honestly didn't think much about it. It is just what he wanted and it's what we did."

"I see. Well, I guess we now know where that leaves me. Right?"

"No Lou, this wasn't about you in any way. It was just pure lust on my part."

"I hear you, but for some unknown reason I feel very much involved in what has happened. Can you tell me how I wasn't involved? Can you explain how it wasn't about me?"

"Oh Lou, no NO! It wasn't like that. It had nothing to do with you. I never compared the two of you. Oh God, I'm so sorry. I want to make things up but I don't even know where to begin. I love you more than anything and I am ashamed of what I have done, especially hurting you. Really, I don't know what came over me regarding the whole affair."

"Love me? Well what you are telling me is either bull shit or you're too chicken shit to tell me that I haven't lived up to your expectations. Isn't that right? Is what you have done your idea of how to show your love for me? Please Barbara, don't blaspheme the word 'love' with what you have been doing. In fact, don't use that word around me anymore. It is more than obvious that we both hold entirely different ideas of what love is and what it means."

I was beginning to cringe with fear. I have never seen Lou like this. God knows that I don't ever want to see it again. But then, as things were now, I probably would never have the occasion or chance to see it again. He was building up to 'good bye.'

"Lou, I can only tell you that I never intended for you to find out. If you hadn't known then you would not have been involved and you wouldn't have been hurt. Would you?"