A Mature Model

The aftermath

All of that happened over ten years ago. As you have guessed, I opted for the no divorce option hoping that perhaps we could fix things. It hasn't happened. Now I know that my hopes of repairing our marriage were about as founded as repairing a piece of fine China that had been dropped on the garage floor and then driven over a few times.

I had my abortion. Because of my age, and partly because of an inept doctor, it was not easy and I suffered from it for weeks. Of course, my mental condition didn't help anything. I simply worried and worried after the operation until Lou came home.

Living with Lou under the new rules was extremely difficult at first. I was constantly being rebuffed when I exhibited anything resembling compassion or love for Lou. That was a real bitter pill for me to swallow. Often I cried myself to sleep at night just wishing for a little hug, a smile, or a kiss. Of course, the kiss and the hug have ever been forthcoming since our split. Now I get occasional smiles but they are not the smiles brought about by any feelings for me. I finally realized that Lou wasn't kidding. Any love he had before was totally absent from our lives now. We co-habited. I must state that he doesn't treat me badly. I'm treated more like a live-in maid and slut. Our time together is basically pleasant but it lacks any warmth of joy and love.

As he always puts it, we fuck from time to time. But unlike our previous love making, now he has no concern whether I reach climax or not. When he is through, we are through. I have purchased a couple of dildos, something I never owned before, to help me finish when I am running behind him and he's finished.

After carefully ascertaining whether he was serious about me carrying on with Ken I determined that without any love or care for or about me to get in the way, he really didn't care. So, being careful, I modeled for Ken several times a week. My modeling took a dramatic change since the abortion left a rather unattractive scar on my lower abdomen. I had seen the end of posing in my bikini or in anything like a nude full frontal view.

Ken was very cautious at first and was not sure that Lou didn't care. But, after a month or so, most sessions ended with sex and we performed in almost every way possible. Although we were not in love, we cared for each other. Our sex was gentle and, in a way, loving. Thank God for Ken.

A major change in our sessions took place in the making of extremely sexually oriented pictures. We did not commit any of the photos we made of us having intercourse, but we used everything else and opened our own web site.

Everything we used had our faces obliterated. We were going to call our site 'Barbie and Ken' but backed off when we found that we could be sued over trademark rights. Just the same, over a period of two years we were bringing in a nice little income from the subscriptions and I built a small but reasonable investment portfolio.

The income was good enough that on a couple of occasions I even consider surgery to remove the ugly scar. I also came close to telling Lou to stuff our agreement and bring on the divorce papers.

The occasions for such thoughts were always brought about when Lou would fuck me with the same compassion he would have shown a prostitute. I never felt lower or less loved that I did when he used me like that. For some reason I didn't ask for the divorce. Well, actually, there was a very good reason that I didn't. I kept hoping that with more time I could repair the damage I had inflicted.

As it turned out, it was a damned good thing that I didn't jump to the divorce. About three years after the affair, much to my dismay, Ken started dating a young lady. It didn't take long before she found out about Ken's 'private model' and she was having nothing to do with it.

She gave Ken an ultimatum, 'You can have me or your model, your choice.' I learned later that she did not know about our sex sessions. She just didn't want her fiancée within the grasp of another woman, even if she was a neighbor and old enough to be his mother.

Things became serious and Ken, almost in tears, had to inform me that our work had to come to an end. He didn't even want to end our last session with sex. They were married five months later. Of course, the web site closed and my source of extra income disappeared.

Without Ken, my life wasn't hell, but it certainly approached it. It definitely wasn't anything to be excited about. To say my life was dull and boring would be a gross understatement. Though Lou had become pleasant to be around after the first couple of years, he was very distant when it came to any personal feelings or discussions. Without the feel of love and without my modeling to occupy my mornings I would almost go stir crazy at times.

I relieved some of my stress by signing up in four women's bowling leagues. I will brag that I got pretty good. In one league I was carrying a 171 average and garnered several high game and high series scratch awards. My biggest thrill was the morning I bowled a 279. But though the bowling took care of some of the boredom, my life was sadly lacking in the thing I needed and wanted the most; LOVE.

Our son came home on leave during the second year of our 'in name only' marriage. I begged Lou to not tell him what had happened, but he simply said that he wasn't going to cover things up and he told Ben everything. To say he wasn't happy would not cover it. He still loved me but he made no bones about the fact that he was extremely disappointed with his mother; someone he had always respected and looked up to.

His visit was marred on the third day when Ken, not knowing that Ben was aware of what had happened, heard he was home and came over to greet his old buddy. Ben met him at the door before I could get there. He took Ken by the throat and shoving him off the porch said, "Get out of here you Mother fucker and don't ever show your face here again if you like it in its present shape. Who knows, maybe I can return the favor some day with your mother. Get out asshole."

I shrieked at Ben. "Ben, don't say things like that. Don't even think that. I have done enough damage. Let it rest."

He took me in his arms and apologized for what he said. But he added, "If he comes back here while I'm around, I'll make a soprano out of him."

A year after his visit, Ben found a cute girl and married her. I wast invited to the wedding, but Lou informed me that I would pay my own way. We went, but Lou treated me like a stranger around other family members. No one will ever know how much that hurt. Ben and his wife visit here about every two years. As yet they have no children. Lou has made several trips to meet and visit with Ben. I have never been invited to go along. My dull life continued for the next four years. I rarely saw Ken. He now had a cute little Ken Jr.

I had a real scare at about year six. It was apparent that Lou was seeing a lot of a woman named Dorothy. They were enjoying quite a social life together. I'm not talking a high social life but they were doing a lot of things together. Fortunately, Lou never said much about their lives. It would have crushed me.

The scare came when I thought I was sensing signals of serious romance. I was wondering what I was going to do if Lou called in the divorce papers and left. One evening I ventured a question about how they were getting along. I had noted that Lou wasn't away from the house as much lately and that some of the happiness he had been showing was gone. The response was both a hurt and a relief.

"Damn it Barb, I can't seem to live without you fucking someone. This time you fucked me. When I told Dorothy that I was going to get a divorce and wanted her to marry me, she walked out. She asked if she married me, how long would it be before I divorced her?"

As I said, his remark hurt. I had really destroyed his life. But, I still had my meal ticket.

Then the crap hit the fan yet again. One morning I was having my second cup of coffee and reading the newspaper when the doorbell rang. I went to the door and could see that it was Pat. I wondered why she wasn't at work and what was wrong.

I opened the door and started to welcome her when the flat of her hand connected with the side of my face and almost took my jaw off. Before I could say anything, she prepared to slap me again, but I caught her hand. As she tried again she said, almost shrieked, "You bitch. You low down filthy bitch. Don't let me ever see you anywhere near my house again."

She turned and almost ran back to her house. I found out that all these years later, the class party tape had found its way to the Internet. Claire, Ken's wife had it called to her attention and she had thrown Ken out.

Of course, Ken had to explain what happened to his Mom and Dad and he pretty well let the whole nine yards spill out. That was three years ago and I have not spoken to Pat or Gerald since.

Gerald did have a long talk with Lou and now the Maxons know why things have seemed so strange and strained between us for the past years. I have not spoken to or been spoken to by either one of them since the day Pat slapped me.

You are probably wondering that now, with the evidence (picture and tapes) of no tangible use to Lou and with the Maxons in on the affair, why I haven't pushed for the divorce and tried to make a new life for myself.

Well one reason is that I discovered that Lou had secretly moved most of his assets off-shore. There was no way I could trace them easily so I could never prove he had the money stashed away. That meant that if I sued for divorce, we would actually be splitting half of what should be rightfully mine.

But that is only an excuse. The truth remains that really deep down inside I keep hoping that I can repair the damage. But in reality I also know deep down inside that it isn't going to happen in this life time. So I will just continue to live off the scraps of my master's table.

Why don't I model again? Well, after Ken dropped out of my life, I basically quit. I didn't exercise any more and now my once proud pointing breast point only at the ground. The once almost flat tummy is much rounder, and the beautiful legs are no longer firm. I look just like many women around the age of sixty. If I went on the Internet without clothes on, I would probably have to pay subscribers to join.

What happened to Ken? As I noted, the class video appeared on the Internet. That happened just as he had quit the bank and was setting up his own studio. The studio was getting well onto its feet when the video went public. With the video and the divorce floating around, no one wanted to have their photos identified with him. His studio went under in less than six months.

He determined that moving to another town or city probably wouldn't help the situation. The last I heard he was in the Hollywood area shooting porn for a "B" movie producer. His wife remarried later. She seems quite happy and now has three children. They are beautiful kids. I get to see them out the window when she bring Ken's son to see his grandparents.

I have not seen Ken since he closed his studio and left town.

I guess that I should at least be grateful that Lou has not found anyone that he would like to settle in with. It hurts when he goes on dates with other women but you know, I am quite certain that, with the exception of Dorothy, he has never taken one of them to bed. I still get fucked a couple of times a month and as I said before, he treats me well. He just doesn't exhibit any form of care or love.

I am living as a slut wife and homemaker with no rewards. All I'm really trying to do now is to assure that I will be physically taken care of for the next years. Living life without someone to love, and to be loved by, is not what life is all about and definitely not something I would recommend to anyone.

I can only lament, "What happened to the wisdom that is supposed to accompany maturity? Why did maturity let me down so badly?" I now know that one should THINK before she fucks. If she doesn't, she will probably find out that she is fucking herself.

I have just talked with Lou in Hawaii. He called to tell me that he and Linda, his lady friend for the last several months, were going to spend another week in Hawaii. They've already been gone almost two weeks.

Is this the end?