A Teddy Bear for Christmas

No, I wasn't going to look like just a total idiot. I was going to look like a total loser to my entire family. To everyone I knew.

Obviously I was nowhere near as important to Kevin as he was to me.

As he had been to me.

Past tense.

Kevin was as past tense as a guy could be.

Oh god, sitting there in my little black dress, all made up for a romantic dinner date at my favorite restaurant that was never going to happen, I felt like a total failure. Kevin wasn't the greatest catch in the world, I knew that. And okay, being completely honest with myself, I knew he wasn't really the high flyer I pretended to myself that he was. I knew the reality was that he was a brown-nosing little weasel who'd stab any of his co-workers in the back and suck up to his boss to look good. I knew that.

I just hadn't expected him to do that to me.

What was even worse was that he was such a loser and I couldn't even keep him. God, I was so naïve. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away and hide. How could I possibly face my family tomorrow?

I think Teddy realized about then that something was wrong. Whatever he'd been saying to me, he dropped, saying something to Daniel and Freddie instead. I think they'd noticed as well. I sat there, blinking back the tears. Reached out blindly, picked up my glass and drank. A large gulp.

Oh! My! God! Wrong glass. Liquid fire filled my mouth, burnt out my nasal passage, coursed its way down my throat. My eyes did their best to imitate a gweilo's, big and round. They watered. They ran with tears. My mouth burned. My nose steamed. My ears burned and swelled. My tongue felt like I'd swallowed liquid napalm. Holy hell! I found my Long Island Iced Tea and gulped it down. The entire contents of my glass, ice cubes included.

"Jesus Christ, what is that stuff?" My voice had turned to a gasp, my breath to dragon flame. All three of them were looking at me, laughing. Glad someone found my pain humorous. I didn't.

"Colonel E.H. Taylor Junior Barrel Proof bourbon," Teddy snorted. "Straight, no ice. Guess you don't usually drink it that way, Sara?"

"Aaaahhhh," I gasped, "oh hell." Let me tell you, I was in pain. I hardly drank alcohol. When I did, it was easy to drink white wine or a weak cocktail or Long Island Iced Tea. Something sweet and light. Not straight bourbon, barrel proof or not. I didn't normally swear either. Not much anyhow. But fuck. Fuck! FUCK! OH FUCK!

"Water," I pleaded, "water, ice, anything for god's sake." That's how desperate I was. Jesus Christ and all his saints, that stuff was awful. Daniel passed me his beer. Yuck. I hated beer. But I drank it. I drank beer from some guy I'd just met, out of his glass. The burning eased. Nectar of the gods! I drank some more, deciding on the spot that beer was okay. Then I burped. Okay, beer was so very not okay.

"How can you guys drink that stuff?"

"Beer?" They all laughed.

We were not amused. The pain was fading a little. Thank god. My eyes were still watering though. Still round.

"Acquired taste," Teddy grinned, reaching over, wiping my eyes with a real handkerchief he produced from somewhere. "You have to practice. And sip it, Sara. Don't gulp it. This is sippin' bourbon, gal."

I picked up the glass I'd drunk from. This time I took a delicate, ladylike and very very tiny sip. It still tasted horrible but this time, the burn was more of a glow. I guess that was the difference between a gulp and a sip. I took another delicate sip. Okay, nicer. Although maybe that was because my taste buds were burnt out.

Teddy grinned. "I'll get you your own glass." He waved an arm, somehow a waitress was there almost instantly, taking his order. A small one. I kept sipping and okay, after half an hour and a glass of that stuff, I wasn't feeling quite so sad anymore. Actually, I was feeling rather mellow and giggly.

Truthfully? I was drunk! Totally. And seriously, I was also thinking that I was better off without Kevin. He was a weasel, I knew that. If I was being honest, I'd always known that. But I'd been desperate. And really, he wasn't even good looking. He was barely taller than me, scrawny and if I haven't mentioned it before, he didn't wash nearly enough. He wasn't that smart either, even if he thought he was. In vino veritas.

After two glasses of that bourbon I knew I could find someone better if I really tried. Maybe a dating website? Maybe I should try and join some social group or something, but I'd done that at College and that hadn't worked out so well at all. I didn't have the social skills, but I knew I deserved someone better. I did. Maybe I should just sit in a bar and get picked up? It would've been easy tonight. But that thought was revolting. Yuck.

Then there was tomorrow. There wasn't any time to do anything before tomorrow. How was I going to explain to my parents when I saw them tomorrow night what had happened? If I had another glass of this stuff, maybe I'd think of something. Something would miraculously occur to me. I didn't think so, but I needed a miracle and I couldn't think of anything better to do.

Well, die maybe, but I wasn't overly keen on that as a solution. Not yet, anyhow.

Ted got me another glass of that Colonel E.H. Taylor Junior Barrel Proof liquefied dragon's breath. After I'd drunk that as well, I started to feel a little more confident about the future. I'd survived before Kevin. All I had to do now was survive my family over Christmas. But god, how was I going to do that? Call in sick? Maybe buy a bottle of this dragon's breath and take it with me to give me liquid courage? It was working now, after all.

Daniel looked at his watch. "I better run, gotta get home. Put the kids to bed."

"Yeah, me too," Freddie shook his head. "Ahhh, to be young and single like you Teddy. Nice meeting you, Sara. This's been fun, maybe we can all meet up again after the New Year."

"Nice meeting you guys," I said, totally disappointed that they were leaving. But I guess that was the story of my life. Disappointment. "After New Year, I'd love too." I was so hopeful. Hoping they meant it. Hoping I'd see them again. They were fun. Chatty, funny, entertaining. I'd had a wonderful time with the three of them just sitting there with them, listening mostly, and I hadn't said anything dumb. I'd just giggled a lot at their terrible jokes even if I didn't get them and enjoyed listening to all the stuff they talked about and they'd all been so nice to me. I wished I had friends like this. It'd be such fun. I found myself wishing they'd stay. Dates with that little toad Kevin had never been this enjoyable.

But Teddy was still here. Was he leaving too? If he was I'd have to go home and when I did, I just knew I wasn't going to sleep. I was going to go home and cry all night.

Teddy was smiling at me. "Say, if you don't have any other plans for the rest of tonight, Sara, would you like to go for dinner?"

Oh my god, he suddenly sounded shy. And I was so hungry. I didn't drink much at the best of times, I hadn't eaten anything since that salad for lunch and I was famished. Famished and more than slightly drunk. Drunk? I was hammered and I knew it. Also, I didn't want to go back to my apartment and cry, which was the only other thing I was going to do tonight. I did check his hand though, drunk as I was. No wedding ring. And he'd asked me if I'd like to go somewhere for dinner? Things like that didn't happen. Not to me. But he had. He'd asked me.

"Okay." I wasn't quite sure what to say next, but then I remembered. "And funnily enough, I just happen to have a reservation for two at Bocata for eight thirty and the other half of the two isn't coming."

The prick. Now I didn't feel like crying. Well, I did, but I wasn't going to admit that to myself. Not now. Maybe tomorrow morning, when I had to face the humiliation of going home by myself. Although maybe if I drank enough I'd just avoid Christmas completely. But then Mom would worry herself to death and Dad would drive all the way down to check on me and I'd ruin Christmas for everyone else.

No, that wasn't a solution either. I was going to have to face the misery and the humiliation tomorrow, but that was tomorrow and right now, Teddy was smiling at me. He had the most wonderful smile. A smile that made my heartbeat quicken and my breathe come faster. Not that it mattered, guys didn't fall for me. Ever.

"Bocata. I love that place." Teddy was still smiling at me, his voice so smooth, with a rasp to it that made my stomach flutter.

I had to shake my head. What was it we were talking about? Oh yeah, Bocata. "It's my favorite Italian restaurant."

It was, I loved the food, and it was only a short walk to my little condo apartment from there. The condo apartment I'd bought so happily a year ago right after I started work. Dad had given me a large deposit, helped me arrange the mortgage. "After you're married, it'll make a good investment property, Sara. Right in the middle of downtown, you can always lease out an apartment down here. Once you've paid it down a bit, leverage the capital to buy another one."

That's what Dad had said. Once I was married. Misery settled itself on my shoulders. I was never getting married. Even that toad Kevin didn't want me.

Teddy was still smiling. "Bocata? I love eating there too."

With an effort, I focused. Food. Smiled very brightly. Artificially brightly. "What are we waiting for?" I glanced at my watch. "If we walk, we'll be there by quarter after."

"Let's go." He didn't ask about the reservation. I guess he'd figured that out for himself. And I wasn't going to talk about it. "Fresh air'll do me good." Teddy stood, wobbling a little.

"Me too." I stood, wobbling a lot. Okay, I was more than a little drunk, even I knew that and I'd never been drunk before in my life. Teddy took my arm. That stopped me from falling to the floor. Just. I was really hammered! I found myself giggling continually as I shrugged my way into my coat. With difficulty. Outside the bar, the cold air sobered me. A chill wind from the north, the smell of winter in the air but no snow, just a few random snowflakes.

"Wait a second, Sara."

I looked at Teddy.

He smiled, his hands reached for me. He did my coat up for me, button by button, working from the top down. That was so nice of him. Kevin would never have thought of something like that. It would never have occurred to him. Teddy's hand took my arm gently as we walked down the sidewalk, long shadows from the streetlamps trailing us. His hand held me up as I stumbled on nothing.

After a minute or so, he looked at me. "Is this the way to Bocata?"

I giggled. He was drunk too. I hadn't even thought about that, but yes, yes it was. Definitely I'd drunk far too much of that bourbon. "Uh-uh," I said, thinking it through, "yeah, this is the right way."

"Good, because I have no idea, I'm toasted. I'm relying on you to get us there." He smiled.

I smiled back.

He kept looking at me and smiling.

I kept looking at him and smiling. I almost walked into someone coming the other way. I would have but for Teddy's arm reaching out in front of me and stopping the oncoming juggernaut in its tracks.

"What the fuck, buddy?"

"You almost knocked the lady down sir, excuse us." Teddy's expression had changed from amiable and friendly to something colder and tougher. All of a sudden he looked big and tough and dangerous. The guy looked at him. He didn't step back but he did say "Sorry 'bout that," to me before stepping around me. Nobody had ever apologized for jostling me when I was with Kevin.

"Thank you," I murmured, suddenly aware that I was nestling into Teddy's arm, which was now around my shoulders. I liked that. I liked the security his arm offered me. I liked the way he looked after me. I liked it so much that I regretted it very much when we finally reached Bocata and stepped inside. The entrance was full and there was a long queue, which made me glad I'd booked. I'd been intending to join the queue, but Teddy just walked us right on by, straight up to the reception stand.

The maître d' behind the reception girl was all smiles. "Mr. Arzano, good to see you again. A table for two?"

"Good to see you too, Migliore, and yes, a table for two per favore." He glanced down at me, smiling. "The lady has a table booked for two at eight thirty."

"Kuo," I chirped, "Sara Kuo."

"Ah yes, Ms. Kuo." The maître d' smiled warmly at me. I'd been here a dozen times and I'd had no idea his name was Migliore. He'd never remembered my name. He'd never smiled at me like that before either. Mind you, I'd always come with Kevin even though he always said Bocata was far too expensive and he'd rather go somewhere Vietnamese for noodle soup. Being honest again, Kevin was so far up himself, so obnoxiously picky and so tight with his tips no restaurant waiter or waitress ever wanted to see him again. You could add me to that list. I never wanted to see him again either.

Migliore was already taking my coat, passing it to a waitress. "Come this way, per favore. I think your usual table, Mr. Arzano? If that's acceptable, Ms. Kuo?"

Teddy glanced at me. I smiled, nodded, clung to Teddy's arm. Of course it was alright with me.

"That'd be wonderful Migliore, molte grazie."

"Prego, prego. This way Mr. Arzano, Ms. Kuo."

"Wow. That was the most amazing dinner, Teddy." I'd never ever eaten Italian food that good before. Not even when I'd been here before. God, everything had tasted so good. And none of it had been from the menu. I hadn't even seen a menu. Teddy had ordered for me, he and Migliore talking in what I guessed had to be Italian, fast and fluid and impossible to follow, not that I knew any. The first course had arrived at our table. My taste buds promptly told me I'd died and gone to heaven.

Teddy explained everything to me as the dishes arrived. Fritto Misto di Mare, which turned out to be a simply divine semolina coated combination of Calamari, Prawns, Scallops, Fish & Mussels with Lemon and a Caper & Dill mayo, followed by a veal scallopini and crayfish bisque. Teddy had ordered Bistecca di Fratelli for the main. I'd had no idea what it was but when I tasted it, it melted in my mouth.

Italian Crepes filled with smoked Brisket, Spinach, Mushrooms & Black Truffle Pesto finished with a Porcini butter. All washed down with a bottle of an old dust-covered Barbaresco retrieved from god knows where after another of those long fluid Italian conversations with the maître d', who seemed to drop by regularly to check on us. I drank far more than I was used to and I loved every mouthful. Sober, I definitely was not. Not that I'd been particularly sober when we arrived.

I'd never tasted anything so good. I hadn't been going to eat dessert, I was already stuffed full. But when that Rosemary & White Chocolate Panna Cotta with a Raspberry Sorbet, Almond Tuile and fresh Honey Comb called my name, I stepped up and answered. By the end of that dinner, I knew I'd died and I was already in heaven. Nothing in this world could have tasted so good, not even dim sum at the Yank Sing in San Francisco where Dad had taken me once when we visited family there.

And Teddy? He talked, he questioned; he drew me out, coaxing me into talking so that I felt like I was having one of those wonderful conversations I'd listened to and wished I was part of so many times in the past. Except that when I joined in, everyone stopped talking and looked at me and I'd wished I'd never opened my mouth. Not tonight. Tonight I talked, Teddy talked and I didn't feel dumb or stupid or like I said the wrong thing and it was wonderful. By the time dinner was over he knew the story of my life. The happy version that I pretended was the truth, even to myself. Except for Kevin. I didn't talk about Kevin at all. If I did, I knew I'd start crying.

"Coffee?" he asked as the midnight hour loomed. That divine dinner was drawing to an end and I didn't want it to. This had been the best night of my life. Ever. For a brief moment in time, I'd felt like Cinderella, magically transported into another world, the world of my dreams. Only now it was midnight and I knew when we left, when this evening drew to a close, the magic would disappear as if it had never been and the ignominious nightmare of reality would return.

"Would you like to come to my apartment for a coffee?" I asked, hoping desperately he'd say yes. "I don't live far from here." I was blushing. "One block up and around the corner." I was that desperate. So wanting this night not to end. So hoping I'd see Teddy again after my Christmas nightmare was over. And oh god, there was that nightmare in the back of my mind and I wanted to postpone the pain for as long as I could. Even if it was only for another hour.

Because as soon as Teddy left, I was going to start crying, I knew.

Teddy smiled. "Sure. I'd like to walk you home as well. I want to make sure you get there safe and sound."

"Thank you."

"My pleasure." We smiled at each other. We sat there smiling at each other for an eon. At least, until the waiter holding my chair coughed.

"Sorry ... sorry." We both blushed, looked guilty, stood. Teddy laughed, I giggled. We made it to the foyer, shrugged our coats on. Walked out into the cold, still laughing.

Teddy was holding my hand.

I liked Teddy holding my hand. I liked it a lot. I liked it all the way back to my condo building. Despite that chill north wind and the snowflakes that were thicker in the air now, I wanted to walk around the block a couple of extra times just so's he'd keep holding my hand. Having my hand held was just the happiest experience ever, something I'd always wanted to happen to me. To walk with a guy while he held my hand. And now it was and I wanted him to hold my hand for hours.

I'd totally enjoyed the whole evening with him. I didn't want it to end. Because when it ended, I knew I'd be by myself again and thinking of tomorrow and my parents and how humiliated I was going to feel showing up at my parents' by myself. I'd have to explain and I didn't want to. I really didn't. Tomorrow was going to be so horrible.

"What's wrong Sara?" Teddy was looking at me. Still holding my hand. I didn't feel happy now. I didn't feel anything much except sad. "It's that asshole Kevin isn't it?"

I nodded. "I don't want to talk about him at all, Teddy. He's totally history." I smiled brightly, wanting to cry. Not about Kevin though. About facing my parents and the Uncles and Aunties and cousins. About sitting in my apartment. All alone. "Coffee? Or another drink if you like?"

"Coffee sounds great."

He held my hand all the way past security. My Dad had insisted in a condo building with real live security, not just an alarm system. Across the foyer, into the elevator, in the elevator as we rode up, down the hallway to my apartment door. He was still holding my hand as I fumbled one-handed for my access card in my handbag. It was like he didn't want to let go of my hand. Not that I was objecting. I didn't want him to let go of my hand either. There was a little spike of excitement mixed with fear as he followed me inside. I'd only ever invited Kevin up here before. Not that I'd ever had anyone else to invite, but I so didn't want to think about that again. Not tonight. Not while Teddy was with me anyway.

Inside, after I shut the door, Teddy helped me take my coat off. God, Kevin had NEVER done that. He always took his coat off and handed it to me. Teddy not only took my coat, he didn't even ask where to hang them. He found the closet all by himself, he hung my coat up first, then his. Oh thank god, he wanted to stay for at least a little while.

"You've got a nice apartment, Sara," he said, glancing around.