A Teddy Bear for Christmas

He couldn't possibly like me that much. No-one ever had. Not me. Trembling. I was trembling in his arms, shaking as he kissed me. His mouth lifted from mine, he kissed my forehead, held me tight, stroking my hair back from my face, one finger brushing my tears from my cheeks as I sat there silently weeping, the tears trickling down, too scared to hope for anything. Wanting so much to hope, but too afraid to do so.

"Sara." His voice was so gentle, his expression unsmiling, tender, concerned, as if he actually cared for me and that scared me even more. No-one had ever cared for me except for my Mom and Dad and really, I wasn't sure about my Mom. I wanted to be cared for. I wanted someone to love me and care for me so very much and I'd really believed that Kevin had. I'd so wanted to believe that Kevin had. But Kevin hadn't cared at all. He'd fooled me and he'd set me up for total humiliation in front of my entire family and that hurt so much. The thought that Teddy might betray me like that, that Teddy might hurt me, I couldn't stand that. Not on top of what Kevin had done to me, because with Teddy it would be so much worse, so much more agonizing because I knew I really did like Teddy. I liked him a lot.

"Don't," I sobbed, "don't, Teddy. Please don't tease me. Please don't make fun of me..." I was crying again now, so hard. Sobbing hopelessly, drawing my knees up, curling up, the pain almost physical in its intensity. "I don't want to be hurt anymore, Teddy, I don't.... I can't take it, not again .. not anymore."

His hand cupped my cheek, held my face turned towards him. His nose brushed mine, his eyes held me. Beautiful blue eyes. "I'm not teasing you, Sara," he breathed. "I promise you, I'm not teasing you. You're the most adorable girl in the world." And he kissed me again. "I'd never hurt you Sara, I'd never tease you. Nobody's ever going to hurt you again, Sara. Nobody, Sara, including me. Believe me."

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that he meant what he said so badly, so much. But I was so scared, so afraid of being hurt yet again. I liked Teddy, I liked Teddy a lot, far more than I'd ever liked Kevin and Kevin had hurt me so much. I tore my lips from his, looked up at him, panicking. "Teddy .... please, Teddy..." I was crying again. "I couldn't bear it if you lied to me Teddy, I couldn't." I gazed up at him, hopelessly. Saw the concern on his face, saw his eyes looking down into mine, sharing my pain.

Anguish. Fear. A faint glimmer of hope. The pain of current and past hopes betrayed warring within me with the unbearable and always unrequited need to be wanted, to be held; to be cherished for being me. My voice fading to a faint hopeless whisper. "Please, Teddy... please don't hurt me."

"I'll never hurt you, Sara, never. You'll never be hurt again, I promise you. I'll take care of you, Sara ... I'd never lie to you ..... never." And he kissed me again, so gently, so tenderly, his lips brushing mine, his arms holding me, giving me the security and the warmth and the caring that I wanted so very much.

Could I believe him? Could I risk this? The pain of discovering he was lying to me would be so agonizing, but here and now, he was giving me the affection and the comfort that I craved. Giving me what'd I'd always wanted and I had no idea whether to believe him or not. But now I hoped, and even having that faint hope betrayed would hurt so much now.

"Sara," he breathed, his lips lifting for just a moment before returning to caress mine again. With a sob, my lips responded, my mouth opened to his so slowly, a petal unfolding as the sun rose, basking in the golden warmth, in those golden rays of hope. My heart fluttered. Fear. Timid acceptance. Hope. Terror. His tongue slipped into my mouth, teasing, dancing, caressing and now I was kissing him back, my cheeks wet with tears, my eyes welling, still trembling but with a different kind of fear.

His arms held me so carefully, reassuring, strong, offering me security as well as comfort, offering me hope, offering me fear as well. With another sob, I let myself go, abandoning any restraint, kissing him back, my tongue sliding into his mouth timidly, withdrawing as he met me, tasting him, caressing him as he caressed me. On and on, a magical sharing of breath, of each other that brought me hope, hope that he really did like me along with that ever present fear that he was only dallying with me. That this was just another lie.

At last his mouth lifted from mine, his nose brushed mine. He smiled, his fingers brushed my face, my cheek, stroked across my skin so tenderly and the years fell away and I was a little girl again, sitting on my Daddy's knee, secure and happy that my Daddy loved me, that I was loved and safe and happy, The way I had been when I was a little girl, before the misery of my teenage years began.

"You're beautiful, Sara," he breathed. "You just don't realize it. Whatever you might have looked like at High School or College, you're beautiful now, Sara."

He meant it. He really meant it, but I knew he was wrong. I knew everything that was wrong with me. I'd been told so many times over so many years, by so many members of my family, by my Mom, by my Aunts and my cousins, by so many of my classmates, by so many of my friends. Friends I didn't even like that much but I put up with everything they said to me because I needed someone. Anyone, really. Just so's I wasn't all alone.

"Sara, don't look like that. Believe me." He smiled into my eyes, warming my soul. A breath of summer warming the winter of pain frozen inside me. "Believe me, Sara. Maybe you weren't good looking at High School, most teenage girls aren't, but you are now." He kissed me again, a quick brush of his lips. "When I saw you at the bar tonight, you took my breath away, sitting there, so poised, so beautiful." He kissed me again. "A swan in a flock of seagulls, that's what you reminded me of. A beautiful swan."

He meant it, I was sure he did. But then doubt rose within me. Maybe he was just a smooth talker, the sort of guy that enjoyed taking advantage of a lonely and heartbroken girl.

"I'm not beautiful," I said, flatly. I knew I wasn't. I'd been told I wasn't so many times. Told I wasn't even pretty. Told I looked like a boy, laughed at because I didn't have any boobs until I was sixteen, and even then you had to look hard. You still had to look hard, even now and I was twenty three. I knew everything that was wrong with me. A litany of flaws.

"Sara." Teddy was stroking my head, looking into my eyes. "Stand up, come with me." He stood, lifting me to my feet, taking my hand, leading me into my bedroom. My heart pounded suddenly, but he wasn't leading me to my bed. He was leading me to my bathroom. I checked quickly. Embarrassed that I might have lingerie hanging up to dry, but thank god, I didn't. Sometimes being so fussy was a bonus.

"Makeup?" he asked.

"In there," I pointed, still sniffling. I didn't have that much. I'd never been big on makeup. Nobody had ever taught me how to use it either and I'd always been too embarrassed to ask anyone I knew. They'd have laughed at me. Besides, what was the point? It wouldn't make any difference.

Teddy rummaged around in my cabinet, pulling out everything I had. "Sit." He pointed at my counter.

Obediently, I perched myself up on my bathroom counter, wondering what he was doing. Whatever it was, he seemed to know what he was about, wiping my face dry, working on my eyebrows, unfastening my hair from its long ponytail, brushing my hair out, turning my face from side to side.

"Do you have any scissors? Makeup? Where's your comb or a hairbrush?"

"In there." I pointed.

"Stay here."

He brought back one of my dining table chairs. Pointed. I sat. He wrapped a towel around my shoulders, another over my dress. Dampened my hair with water from the tap. "Close your eyes."

I did, feeling the comb brushing through my hair, lifting it a little at a time, listening to the scissors snipping, feeling long locks of my hair falling away, feeling his fingers working, adjusting, brushing, snipping, brushing hair from my neck, from my face. Heart pounding, hoping he knew what he was doing.

Trusting him, with no idea why I should other than that he seemed so confident about what he was doing even though it was taking so long, on and on. Drying my hair with my hairdryer, some last snips. At last, I heard him place the scissors on my counter.

He wiped my face with a wet cloth, whisked the towels away. "Stand up and open your eyes."

That wasn't me. The person in the mirror was someone completely different. Instead of my long straight black hair that hung down my back almost to my waist, my hair was cut in a shaped bob ending at my shoulders that somehow made my face look slender, prettier, framing my jaw rather than held in my usual swept back and severe ponytail. It made me look an entirely different person, almost beautiful, with high slender cheekbones and the cutest little nose and lips. Berenice, I wasn't, that was for sure*.

"Looks a lot better doesn't it?" Teddy said, smiling.

"Wow." I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I smiled, watching that pretty girl in the mirror smile back. Before I could try anything else, Teddy gestured.

"Now sit up on the counter again."

I did, closing my eyes as he went to work with my makeup. I had no idea what he was doing, but he even did my lipstick. After what seemed an eon, but according to the clock on my bathroom wall was only half an hour, he stepped back, smiling, taking both my hands in his. "Jump down."

He held my hands, looking down at me, smiling down at me. "Close your eyes."

I did, enjoying his hands moving to my waist, turning me to face my bathroom mirror. Wondering what he'd done.

"Abracadabra."

"Ohhh!" I gasped. If the haircut had made me look different, prettier, now even I had to admit I looked stunning. Stunning to me, anyhow. Beautiful even. I couldn't stop looking at myself. How? How had he done that? How could I possibly look like this?

Behind me, his hands still on my waist, his eyes met mine. He was smiling as his arms slipped around me, as he held me from behind. "That's who I saw sitting in that bar, Sara," he breathed, kissing the top of my head as I leaned back against him. "That's what you really look like. What you were before, what you thought you were, that was just a bad dream, Sara, that wasn't you at all. This is the real you. This is what you've always been, just, you didn't know it."

"Teddy." I wanted to cry. "Oh Teddy. But how? How did you know? How could you do that?"

He grinned. "My mom's a hairstylist, I grew up in her salon. I've got six sisters and they used to get me to help them with their makeup." His grin grew larger still. "Worked my way through High School and College as a hairstylist in Mom's salon. Haven't lost my touch, I still help out in the weekends off and on for fun." He eyed my hair critically. "Mom could improve on this though. A lot." He smiled at me. "I'm taking you to see her for a trim after Christmas, okay."

"Okay." Oh god, that girl in the mirror, she was so beautiful. Slender, elegant, ethereal even. She wasn't me, she wasn't the image I had of me at all but she was me. She was really me. I smiled. She smiled. I raised an eyebrow. She raised an eyebrow. It was me and I still didn't believe it. But I had to. This wasn't a dream. I was wide awake and Teddy was standing behind me, his arms around me, holding me tight, and that wasn't a dream either.

I closed my eyes tight, opened them again. Nothing had changed. I was still beautiful. Teddy was still holding me, his body warm against my back, one of his hands pressed flat to my stomach, fingers splayed wide as he urged me back against him, the physical evidence of his arousal pressing hard against my lower back.

Huh? My heart jumped half way up my throat, choking me. I must have started because Teddy held my tighter, kissed the top of my head. "Do you like it?"

My new look? Or what was pressing against me? Both, I knew.

"Yes," I sighed, leaning my head back against his shoulder, my hands resting on his wrists where he held me. Feeling him so hard where he pressed against me. I did that to him? Me? I excited him? A sudden surge of pleasure washed through me as that hard bulge pressed against me, setting my whole body tingling, feeling more alive that I'd ever felt in my life. A strange new sensation I'd never felt before and I wanted to feel this, knowing that maybe this was what the other girls talked about. Wondering if this was how I should feel and not really caring because suddenly I was enjoying this. I was enjoying being me.

Teddy didn't move, he continued to hold me, continued to press against me, his breath hot against the top of my head, his arms holding me, his lips brushing the top of my head. He said nothing, made no sudden moves, just held me, held himself pressed firmly against me, his rigid hardness pressing hotly against me. I closed my eyes, my heart pounding, my breath coming in little gasps, the tingling feeling within me turning to a burning heat that seemed to expand outwards, encompassing my entire body.

"Do you believe me now when I say you're beautiful, Sara." His voice low and husky in my ear, reverberating through me before his lips dipped and brushed my neck, a strange new sensation. My nipples were suddenly hard and achingly swollen, a flooding wetness within me, a black hole of nervous excitement and suspense where my stomach used to be. I opened my mouth to say something inconsequential, something to deflate the moment, but really, I didn't want to deflate the moment at all. No words came out.

When they finally did, it was in a breathless little sigh. "I believe you, Teddy." Seeing myself in the mirror, I did and I still couldn't believe that was me. That beautiful girl standing there looking at me, held in Teddy's arms, that was me?

Afterwards, I had no idea if that sigh signaled something to him or not. It certainly wasn't meant that way, but Teddy seemed to take it as some sort of encouragement, moving his hands slowly upwards from my waist to my breasts, cupping them, caressing them gently through the thin material of my little black dress, bringing the aching of my now swollen nipples to a new peak. I was very suddenly all too aware that I hadn't worn a bra with that little black dress I'd worn for dinner with Kevin. I was about to lift my hands to his and remove them when they slid downwards of their own accord, sliding over my stomach, back down to my hips.

His breath came hot against my neck, his hands held my hips, he moved a little against me. I gasped at that solid hardness moving against me, gasped again as his lips brushed my neck, not quite kissing me. Tasting me? And then, somehow, I had no idea how, I found myself turned around, facing him, my body pressed up against his, my arms around his neck, my face tilted upwards, looking up at him, my mouth half open as I waited for him to kiss me. He did kiss me.

That kiss, that gentle touch of his lips to mine, that delicious taste of him. A magical moment that lasted for an eternity, on and on and on, my lips flowering under his, my mouth wide open as his tongue took possession of me, accepting my surrender. His lips caressing mine as his tongue gently explored my mouth, tasting me as I tasted him, lost in the moment. Lost in the magic of his lips on mine, his mouth possessing mine, his eyes looking into mine, drinking me in.

Looking into his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, I was lost. Lost and drowning and I knew it. My breath escaped me in a long sigh, a sigh of surrender, of acceptance, of hope, all the tautness leaving me so that I was soft and pliant in his arms as he held me, as he kissed me. As his kiss deepened, confident, skilled, his tongue tasting me, stroking and sliding over mine. His hands pressed me tight against him and now I felt not just his hardness but also the raging pounding of his heart against my chest, the pressure of his hard body against mine bringing a rising tide of excitement that held me enthralled.

One hand held my back, the other cupped the curve of my butt, lifting me easily from my feet, holding me. "I want you, Sara. I want you so much."

Held against him, pressed against him, I was so aware of his body, of his arousal. Of his strength and masculinity. I looked at him, breathing hard, panting, licking suddenly dry lips, conscious of my own overwhelming excitement. An excitement I'd only ever experienced in my daydreams. This, with Teddy, this excitement surpassed my wildest imaginings, left me on fire, sensitive, my breasts heavy and tender, my clitoris throbbing, feeling a delicious heated wetness so intense that almost, I moaned out loud.

"I want you, Sara." His voice so intent, so full of passion, vibrating through me, sending goose bumps racing across my skin.

Timidly, my arms encircled his neck, holding him as his eyes burned into mine. I couldn't speak as I hung there, gasping, afraid, excited, wet, and acquiescent. Lowering his mouth to mine, he took possession of my lips, almost bruising me with the fierceness of his kiss, walking out of my bathroom and into my bedroom with me held in his hands.

"Sara," his breath was hot against my ear as he lowered me to my feet. His hands moved, my little black dress floated free, falling to pool around my ankles on the floor, leaving me standing there next to my bed in my little black bikini panties. My heart stuttered in sudden shock but he was kissing me again, one hand cupping the back of my head, the other working his jacket off, then his suspenders, his tie, his trousers and my fingers were unbuttoning his shirt as we continued to kiss.

He was naked but for his boxers, his erection bulging hugely and I loved the way he kissed me so hungrily, loved the way his hands ran over my back, my shoulders, my arms and I was in his arms, my breasts pressed hotly against the bare skin of his chest and we were in my bed, the covers peeled back, the Egyptian linen sheet cool against my back as he lay beside me and I moaned now, feeling the prod of his erection against my hip.

"What ..... what are we doing?" I whispered, looking up at his face looming over mine. He smelled so divine. I wanted to bury my face against him, rub my face over his skin, inhaling.

"I'm touching you, Sara." He was, his hand circling on my stomach, sending butterflies and thrills of pleasure and excitement racing through me. "You're so beautiful and you're driving me crazy."

"I am?" I'd never driven anyone crazy. Just the thought that I was driving Teddy crazy did things inside me, things I'd never felt before. Nice things. Hot things. Wet things that made me pant and want to moan and move against him and I knew that wasn't right, I shouldn't, but I didn't care.

"You are, Sara, you do," he said intensely. "I'll never hurt you, Sara, never, but I want you, I want you to be mine. Now. Tonight."

My heart threatened to choke me, my gaze held by those intensely magnetic eyes looking down into mine, seeing his face, his features harsh. Harsh with desire for me? Timid, scared, my hands clutched at the sheets on which I lay. Teddy wanted me? I knew he did and I didn't want to say no to him but I was so afraid. I wanted him so much, so badly, but I'd never done anything like this. Never.

"I've never ...." I gasped at last, my face burning. "I've never..." I didn't know how to say it.

"I know, Sara." His voice so gentle, belying the desire written across his face. "I know." His head bowed, his mouth seized on one nipple, drew it into his mouth.

"Ooohhhhh." I cried out as his tongue lashed across my breast, circling my nipple, his lips pulling on me as I found his head with one hand, curled my fingers in his hair, pushed my breast up against his mouth, staring blindly at the ceiling of my bedroom. Trembling as his tongue licked across my skin, as his hand found my other breast, cupped, caressed, teased until I moaned softly.