Charlie

You barely hear your best friend's voice respond.

"Goodbye Jonathan."

***

Goodbye? You stare at the closed door for a moment, pausing in your tracks just a second...Nah.

Both of you were still getting your jackets on as you start down the hallway.

Samantha immediately starts laughing. "Oh my god. Ha ha ha! What a loser!"

Her laughter cuts off in a second as you fix her with a burning gaze, something approaching raw fury in your eyes. "Don't you EVER talk about him that way!" You snarl with an intensity that surprises, and frankly scares, even you. "Do you hear me?"

It is her turn to be perplexed, looking as stunned as you had when you first walked in the room and saw her. "Oh...uh, yeah. Geez. I'm sorry Jon. I didn't realize..." Her voice trails off.

You take a breath. "Okay. Good. Be nice to him. He's a good man." You say as the pair of you continue on. She clutches to your arm as you go, resting her head on your shoulder. You stop and introduce Sam to Luiz. He almost seemed amused by her presence, he always had this way about him like he was in on something that you weren't. You continue on down the stairs. At the bottom you say hello to Mama Rose, she makes a joke about how fast you'd rushed in just a few minutes ago that you almost knocked her over. You chuckle, yeah, you'd been in a hurry. You'd been so excited to show Charlie the email, to share your big triumph. You hadn't even told Sam you'd gone out for the team. You'd do that soon.

Out front there are a group of guys gathered just hanging out. As you and Sam come out among them every head turns your way.

"Hi boys!" Sam sings flirtatiously.

A lot of them stand up and start excitedly to talk with you, wanting to know who this was with you. You introduce everyone. They were all agog over your smoking hot girlfriend and she was soaking up their attention like a sponge. You were used to this with her. She preens and poses and giggles and holds onto your arm and holds you around the waist. Every guy there was looking on you with envy and looking at Sam with open lasciviousness. As all this was going on you were just thinking about your roommate. How closed off he'd looked back there, like when you first met him, like when you were strangers. You hoped he was okay.

Eventually you say goodbye to the guys. Samantha being none to coy about what the pair of you were up to that night. She was proud to publicly stake a claim on her handsome man. There are some oooo's and ahhh's and jealous looks. You laugh it all off and the pair of you continue on your way.

"I took a cab from the hotel, so we can take your truck back."

You walk through campus toward the lots. All along the way you see the envious looks from both the men and the women. You were one fine looking couple there was no doubt. As you pass along a football field you see others of your 'type'. Among the other good looking jocks and their pretty girlfriends you see that familiar look of acceptance. You were one of them, part of the club...it felt like high school again and it felt gross. You hurry along to the truck.

As you get to the truck she stops you. Turning you toward her she hugs you round the small of your back and leans up. She gives you a deep wet kiss, her hand reaches up and strokes your shoulder. "God I've missed you baby. I love you Jon."

"I..." The bitter words catch in your throat. Instead of saying them you take her in your arms and kiss her back. A firm powerful kiss. She hums happily. She felt good pressed against you. That familiar perfect body, that smell, the way she kissed. You were a lucky man alright. Yep...lucky man. Even as you kiss those sweet little lips of hers your mind wanders off...

When Charlie said goodbye...he didn't mean...did he? No. No way.

You pull back and shake your head. Jesus Jon, get your head in the game!

The pair of you get into the truck as you had hundreds of times before. Sam bounces on the seat and makes her self at home, she'd spent many a time in that seat. She flips down the passenger side visor and starts checking herself in the mirror. You start the truck, your eyes hover over the gauge indicating your full gas tank...you were supposed to be on the road right now. Ah well, plenty of time for that. It's not like there was a time limit.

You find out where the hotel is then pull out and start on your way passing by the ponds along the way. You knew the frogs would be singing this time of the evening. Sam was too busy checking her phone to see the ponds.

Samantha starts up a rambling one sided conversation, telling you all about all the comings and goings of the people of your little town. Silly trivial little things about people you hardly knew in some cases. She tells you all about high school and the latest drama and the teachers and about how everyone is asking about you. You...tune it out. Try as you might you just didn't care.

At one point she says. "You're so quiet Jon."

You just smile and let out a tense little laugh. "He he. Yeah, still surprised to see you."

She reaches over and grips your arm. "Well here I am, in the flesh."

You continue your drive through the city. You are driving along a green space when you see a small billboard for the nearby natural history museum. You exclaim, a wide happy smile coming to your face. "Ha! Look at that! They've got a new exhibit on..." You look over at a very confused Samantha. "...bats." You say with much less enthusiasm.

She crinkles her eyebrows and tilts her head. "Um...Hooray? You got a thing for bats now?"

You return your attention to the road. "It's just...never mind."

Okay, this was getting harder. Something was wrong and you knew it. Samantha was Samantha, same as ever, but there was something wrong with you. You thank the stars that Sam came for this visit, you hadn't really appreciated how bad things had gotten. It was crucial you reconnected with her now before it was too late.

After what feels like an eternity of a drive you finally get to her hotel. You get a spot in guest parking and the pair of you are on your way in.

"Want to grab some dinner first?" You ask, surprising yourself with the question. Were you trying to put this off? To slow this down?

She giggles and pinches your butt. "We'll get room service later."

As the elevator door closes she is on you. The pair of you making out hot and heavy. You grab her big breast through her clothes, you cup a big handful of ass with the other hand, you press her to the wall. She is smiling and letting out little passionate growls. You are just...going through the motions.

What the fuck was wrong with you!!???

Ding. Hurriedly the pair of you rush to her room. You'd been stalling before but now you were desperate to get this going, to shake off whatever funk you were in. This was the woman you'd devoted years to, the woman you had all of your future plans with, your life partner, your soulmate. She was hot as hell, devoted, great in the sack. She was your future fiance, your future wife. She wanted to have your kids. You were going to buy a house together, build a life together. All those dreams. She was the perfect woman! You'd have to be a fool not to want her.

You'd have to be a fool.

As you enter into her room you are peeling clothes off of each other. Kissing, sucking, biting. Clutching, clawing, grasping. Pressing, thrusting. Your bodies intertwined. You press her against the wall. You take a handful of her long blonde hair and grip it, you start sucking on her neck.

Her hot breath against your ear is gasping as you feel her soft familiar body in your big hands. She cries out. "Oh Jon! Oh Jon!! Ohhh... OH JONATHAN!"

...

You freeze in spot, you just freeze. Not moving a muscle. In that moment, as she said that name, everything suddenly becomes crystal clear.

She tries to continue the making out and heavy petting...but you didn't respond. In her desire she gets desperate, pulling at you in frustration.

"Come on...Come on baby. What's the matter?"

Her flesh beneath your hand...it may as well have been that of a street whore or even a corpse. You felt no passion, no desire, no...anything. Her big tits, her wide curves, her tanned skin...nothing, nothing, nothing. The temptation of the flesh was there, but it was a soulless heartless temptation. It was hollow. This was your girlfriend and yet you felt like you were cheating. Cheating on...him.

You step back from her and cover your face with your hand.

"What? What's wrong Jon?" Sam asks in a confused whining tone.

Bending over you pick up your shirt and put it back on. You look her in the face and take a deep breath. "Um...I...I don't think you should come visit anymore Sam."

Her face gets the most bemused look, she wasn't processing what you were saying. As if you were fucking around with her in some cruel way. "What are talking about baby?"

You reach out and put your hands gently on her shoulders. "I'm sorry. It's over Samantha."

Both her confusion and her anger grows. She simply couldn't believe what she was hearing. This just couldn't be happening to her. You wouldn't dare do this to her! You keep looking at her with firm but caring eyes. It takes some time, but finally it gets through.

SLAP!

She suddenly slaps you hard across the face! "You son of a bitch! You fucking son of a bitch!"

"Samantha..." You say in a gentle voice.

SLAP!

You cringe from the stinging blow but you do nothing to stop it. She rants. "You fucking piece of shit. Two fucking weeks? You couldn't even last two fucking weeks? How many times have you cheated on me already!? How many women?"

"Sam...I haven't cheated on you..."

SLAP!

"You lying piece of shit. There's someone else isn't there? Isn't there!?"

You close your eyes, you take your breath, this was it. She deserved to know the truth. You open your eyes slowly. "Yes."

"Who is she? Who the fuck..." She trails off as she stares at you, you see as the light goes off in her eyes. Her expression turns from rage to one of shock and horror. "Oh my god! It's Charlie! It's Charlie isn't it!? That little faggot's gotten to you!"

You had to leave before you did something you'd regret. You pick up your coat. You feel her hands on your back, in a flash her whole demeanor had changed as she pleaded with you. "Wait! Wait Jon baby. No, not like this. We can work through this. Come home baby. The city, all the changes, it's gotten to you. This isn't you Jon! This isn't you!"

You put on your coat and walk for the door. Her demeanor switches right back again, all the venom and vitriol spewing out of her once more. "You fucking queer piece of shit. Everyone's gonna know, I'll fucking tell everyone. How dare you do this to me!"

You close the door behind you as she continues her diatribe. All the unpleasantness, the stinging left side of your face, the messy ugly break up...and you were smiling. Your heart sang with a deep glowing joy that you had never experienced before.

YOU WERE FREE!

You were free to pursue what your heart truly desired.

You'd have to be a fool to break up with Samantha. Well then, you were a damn fool. And a happy fool at that.

There was only one thought on your mind, only one person. No more excuses, no more holding back, the truth could finally be set free. Knowing you'd never be able to wait for the elevator in your ebullient mood you sprint for the stairs. You zip down the eight flights in a flash, you felt like you were running on air, you felt like you were flying!

***

You get in your truck and drive back to campus as fast as the law and the city traffic would allow. You are driving aggressively, taking every opening no matter how tight. You had to get home. You had to get to Charlie.

You are laughing, smiling. Your heart was pounding hard. Your emotions were soaring!

You knew Sam would be calling friends back home. You knew within a day the whole town would know. You couldn't give one shit. It was worth it, it was all worth it. You didn't consider yourself gay, you didn't look at other men that way, but for Charlie...for Charlie you would be whatever you needed to be.

You avoid the lot altogether, instead driving up as close as possible to the dorm. It was pay parking, you'd get a ticket...whatever.

You park swiftly, coming into the curb hard, your truck not quite lined up right. You shut it off and bound out the door making for the dorm. You were still smiling and laughing like a fool, a love lost fool. Everything you ever desired so close now. The guys in the hall and the room look at you, surprised to see you back so soon. You hear some good-natured banter directed at you but you ignore it and continue on.

Bursting into the room you call out with joy in your heart. "Charlie! Charlie!"

The room was empty.

Where was he? Now of all times he had to go out? You check the bathroom, empty. Taking your phone from your pocket you dial him, you needed to see him...NOW! Your call goes straight to messages, he had his phone turned off. You are pacing back and forth, shaking your head. You felt like your heart was ready to burst out of your chest. Where was he? Where was he? Where could he be?

You remember the tone of his voice, as he muttered those last words to you. "Goodbye Jonathan."

A sickening knot twists in your stomach. NO! No! No! No! No! No!

It couldn't be. You spin to his side of the room. His stuff was still there...wait. Not all of it. His coat and phone were gone of course, but so was his computer, his backpack. Your eyes widen in panic. NO! You look in the bathroom again. His unused razor still there but his toothbrush was gone, and his deodorant, and a few other things. NO!

His voice echoes in your mind. "Goodbye Jonathan." A finality woven into the words, a sad certainty you'd missed the first time.

NO!

You are pacing. Where would he go? This time of night? He couldn't walk back to Canada. Your eyes scanning the room looking for clues. You then notice your laptop sat open on the desk, it had been closed when you left. With something approaching dread you turn it on...you see what you were afraid you might.

A word document was there, left open. A document you didn't write. A document you were meant to read tomorrow.

Dear Jonathan,

By the time you get this I will be gone. I am going home.

My mother was right. I was not ready yet.

I told you that I would be strong enough for both of us, but I lied. I cannot even be strong enough for myself. I cannot bear it. When I saw you and your beautiful Samantha together I knew I would only cause problems for you. I cannot stay, for both our sake. I've not been truthful with you Jonathan. I've kept secrets from you. I've not been fair with you. For this I am deeply sorry.

Please don't hate me.

Know that I love you. I love you Jonathan Spencer. I believe in you. I hope you achieve everything you set out to do. I hope you find happiness and love and fulfillment. I hope you and Samantha live the life you dream of. The life you deserve.

This short time together has been the happiest of my life. You gave that to me and I will never forget it. I will never forget you.

Your friend,

Charlie

You fall to your knees as the tears stream from your eyes. You stare at the words on the screen and your soul bleeds.

***

You kneel there for a long quiet moment, your arms hung limply by your sides, your head bowed.

Then you slowly raise your head, you get to your feet. In the reflection from the window you see a look of indomitable determination on your face.

You look down at the screen. One line standing out from the rest. The rest of the words blurring to your super focused gaze, providing a frame to this one life changing phrase. The one sentence that meant everything. The words that shook you to your core.

I love you Jonathan Spencer.

He loved you too! He loved you too!

You felt your emotions swell. You would move heaven and earth. You would go to Canada and beyond. NOTHING would stop you from finding your true love. There was no obstacle you would not overcome.

You start to think. Charlie didn't think you'd get this until tomorrow. He wouldn't expect for you to have read it tonight. He might still be on campus. You'd look for him. If you couldn't find him you'd try the airport and the bus station.

Heading out to the common room you ask around. "Anyone seen Charlie?"

Most of the guys shrug. Charlie was so quiet and unassuming he usually came and went without anyone noticing. Luiz finally says, "He left a little after you did. Not sure where he was heading."

Shit, that was no help. You head down stairs. You knock on Mama Rose's door.

She opens it and looks at you, there was concern in her eyes. "Have you seen Charlie?" You ask.

She nods. "He was here, he turned in his key. He, he was crying. What's going on with him?" She asks with genuine concern.

"He's having a hard time. Just...hold onto that key. I'll get him back." You assure her.

She smiles. "Good. It can be tough, first year away from home. If he needs anything, I'm here to help."

"I'll let him know." You say. She nods as you turn to leave.

You head out into the yard and peer around. If he was still here...he'd want somewhere quiet. Somewhere he could be alone. The ponds? Perhaps. The field where you'd watched the bats? Unlikely, too much foot traffic now that the semester was in full swing. Some of those quiet little dead ends the pair of you had discovered? Nah, nowhere to sit or...

You slowly turn your head as a possibility hits you...

You walk up the stairs to the old chapel. The old building that was always open yet you'd never seen hardly anyone come into or out of. You grab the solid brass handle on the heavy oaken door and you pull it open. The chapel was dimly lit. It was old but in good shape. A great crucifix hangs at the head of the room. Stepping inside you see a hunched little figure sitting alone in the middle of the pews. Thick wavy raven black hair peeking above the old wooden seats.

You walk quietly up the center aisle. You see him shift uncomfortably as he sensed someone else in the chapel with him. He turns slightly away from you, not wanting to interact with whoever this was intruding on his loneliness. You walk to the the row he sat in and made your way down. You see him start to fidget, obviously unhappy with someone approaching him during this painful time.

You sit beside him. You wait.

With only the two of you in this whole big room he can no longer ignore you. He slowly slowly turns and looks up at you. Through his hair you see surprise in those magical chestnut brown eyes as he recognizes you.

He gasps quietly as he whispers. "Jonathan! What are you...?"

With your right hand you reach around and cup the back of his head, your fingers through his soft hair, your inner arm along his fine jaw. Before another word can be uttered you pull him into you. Plunging your face through his curtain of bangs.

Your lips meet his, those full soft lush lips. You kiss him. You kiss him deeply, you kiss him tenderly, you kiss him...like you've never kissed anyone before. It was everything you'd imagined and so much more. You taste him, you savor him. It was not a kiss of passion or friendship or family. This was true love's first kiss. A moment only possible once in a lifetime. With two weeks of building desire behind you and a whole life together ahead, you kiss the beautiful little man that had stolen your heart with every ounce of love your overflowing spirit could muster.

He stiffens just for a moment...and then he melts to your touch. His arms wrap around your shoulders as yours go around his. You pull yourselves together, becoming one interlinked being. You hold each other and everything else melts away around you. There is only you and Charlie now. You smell him, you feel him, you taste him and hear him. You drink him in with your every sense.