Guilt and Lust

"I'll tell them the truth about you." I wasn't quite sure what Kim meant by that and frankly, I was afraid to ask.

We sat in silence for a few minutes stealing glances at each other. What else could we do? We knew what needed to happen, but knowing and starting were too different things, especially considering the obvious attraction between us. Well, that and the fact that neither one of us had direct contact with the demon in our lives. It was hard to think of us as anything else other than pawns in the El-Kordai and succubus's fight. I knew it wasn't true, but still...

"Tell me about your grandparents?" Okay, so that wasn't the last thing I expected Kim to ask, but it was pretty damn close. At first I thought she was asking just to stall, but there was real interest in her expression.

"What to say?" I said, smiling despite the situation. I'd used thoughts of my grandparents as an anchor to my humanity over and over again during the last ten years, but this was different. This was sharing what they meant to me to someone else, someone special, the only someone special I'd ever have if Kim succeeded in killing me...maybe even if she didn't.

I started describing my grandparents at first, but I was soon sharing stories about what it was like to be brought up by them. I talked for a surprisingly long time, trying to make sure Kim got a true picture of who they really were, and more important, what they meant to me.

Talking about my grandparents always ended up bring my mother to mind. She was such an important part of them despite her being gone for so long. I told Kim what my grandparents told me about the mother I never met. I let her know how mom's seduction and suicide affected them. I shared with her how it affected me.

I had plenty of time to think about it over the years, but I'd never told anyone else. I never had anyone else I trusted enough...and yes, I trusted Kim. I had no idea why considering everything that had happened between us and what was going to happen next, but I did. It was that simple.

It didn't stop at my talking about my feelings for my grandparents and mother. Soon, I was sharing the hopes and dreams I had growing up. These were things I hadn't thought about in years. Thinking about them now hurt, but oddly, some of it was in a good way. It was like meeting old friends I hadn't seen in years.

Kim sat silently listening, not interrupting even though there were points she could have. I think she realized how much sharing with her meant to me. The fact that she seemed to continue to be interested even after I droned on for nearly an hour was something I'd cherish as long as I was able to.

Sharing all that with her and Kim's reaction gave me the strength to continue. I told her about my father. I told her what I felt about him while I was growing up and the hope I held on to until I actually met the man. I even explained what it was like when I finally realized what he'd done to me by giving me the ring.

Eventually, I ran down. There was still plenty I could say, but all the important things had been said. Well, all except one, but I think Kim knew how I felt for her despite the impossibility of it.

"Thanks." Another simple word that I knew couldn't possibly convey the extent of what I was feeling. Yet, when I looked into Kim's eyes, I knew she understood.

It made me more than a little curious about her story and now was a good time to move on from mine. Nothing I'd said changed a thing with our situation. On the other hand, just knowing someone not only understood, but also felt I'd done the best I could with the situation I fell into meant something to me.

"What about you?"

Kim obviously knew the question was coming and seemed reluctant to explain. By the same token, she now knew me and my situation better than anyone else in the world. I was so appreciative of kindness in listening that I wouldn't have pushed if she declined to answer, but after a moment she started talking. It was hesitant at first, but slowly the words flowed more smoothly.

"No one really knows when the El-Kordai first starting appearing on our world." Kim wasn't looking at me as she spoke, but I could tell she was watching me in her own way. "The old tales say they've been around as long as the succubi, maybe even longer."

It's not that I wasn't interested in the El-Kordai and their history, but what I really wanted to know was Kim's story. Still, I waited patiently. This clearly wasn't easy for the well-endowed brunette. It was obvious that she was slowly working her way to her involvement with the demons. I was certain I'd have my answer when she got there.

"There was a time when they could come to our plane with little effort and survive for a long time," Kim continued. "All of the demon kind could." That was news to me.

"As the eons passed the wall between where they come from and our world thickened. There's something about it that also seems to limit their kind from staying here long. That's probably the main reason why the succubus wants to tear the barrier down." I nodded in understanding, but refuse to interrupt. I wanted to do the same for Kim that she'd done for me.

"In most cases the humans of that time offered a huge sigh of relief and moved on with their lives. Demon became myths used to warn and teach, but not in all cases." She glanced my way briefly before looking away and continuing. "Some, like the succubi continued to fight through the barrier whenever they can. They seldom succeed, but it happens more often than you might expect. They can't stay long in our reality so they come, eat and return, leaving empty husks in their wake."

"I don't condone the darkness they spread on our world, but in some ways it's understandable. They need souls to survive. If too much time goes by without them eating, they become weak and eventual fade. It's their version of death, if such a mundane concept can be used with them."

"There's no fear of that with Sarina," I said with a pang of guilt and sadness despite my promise to myself to remain quiet. "She found a way to eat and eat often."

"Not so often since you inherited her," Kim said kindly, looking at me for the first time without quickly shifting her eyes away since she began telling me her story. "You case is unique. There have always been some twisted humans who see the succubi as a source of power. Your ancestor was clearly one of those."

"Normally, any type of deal made between a succubus and a power hungry human invariable ended up badly, particularly for the man. It also doesn't last particularly long. In this case, I'm not sure how you ancestor felt about how it ended up, but the succubus clearly got the better of the deal since she's still on our plane, even in such a limited fashion. She is far more powerful than she has any right to be."

"And the El-Kordai?" I didn't want to talk about Sarina or her kind anymore. It wouldn't help and I didn't want to spend the limited time I had left free of the succubus dwelling in her.

"The El-Kordai weren't all that interested in breaking through the barrier after it became difficult, but there were always humans who sought them. The demons feed off of guilt, which in most cases is also an admittance to wrong doing. They're a form of retribution that cannot be denied."

"In time a group of like-minded people came together and formed a...I don't what the right word is. Coven almost fits, but they're not really witches. In most cases they are women who have been wronged, but not always."

I could tell Kim was having problems saying what she wanted to...no needed to. I could see it in her eyes. I'm sure I'd looked the same when I began sharing my life with her.

"Who?" It was a one-word question, but it carried a lot of weight in this case. I had a feeling that the answer would be even more weighty.

"My mother," Kim answered slowly. She paused for a half beat before adding, "And me to a lesser extent." I didn't believe the 'to a lesser extent', but I was happy she decided to share the truth with me.

"I don't have many memories of my childhood. My father was...well, he was what he was. He would beat my mother. Not always, but often enough for her to wear long sleeves all the time to hide the bruises. Each time he would later calm down and apologize." I wanted to reach out and comfort her, but I knew she'd stop talking if I did that so I sat silently listening because I had the feeling she needed to share this with someone as much as I had my story.

"I was only a kid, but even then, I knew he meant it, or at least a part of him did." Kim was deep in dark memories. "Mom would always forgive him. As I got older, I hated her for that, especially when he started hitting me."

"I dreamed of standing up to him, but I never did. I always wondered if I did how it would have turned out? Would he have lost control and killed me like I feared at the time? Or would it have finally caused him to see the truth?" She fell silent for a long time. I was afraid she wasn't going to continue, but could think of nothing to say that would help. Well, I did come up with one thing.

"It wasn't your fault. Whatever finally happened was on him. You were just a kid and the only example you had was a mother who..."

"She was a good woman," Kim interjected in defense. I hadn't meant to attack her mother, but I understood why she felt I had. "She was just unlucky enough to love a bad man. Worst, a manipulative monster who did a better job of controlling her than he did his own emotions."

"I'm sorry." It was the only thing I could offer. Kim nodding slowly before continuing.

"I came back from my eighth-grade class trip to find the police waiting for me. I knew what happened before they told me. My mother was gone. My father? He'd finally snapped, but he wasn't going to prison for her murder. He was going to a mental hospital instead."

I saw the first tear slip down her cheek and reached out across the table without thought and caught it. Kim surprised me by grabbing my hand and pressing it to her cheek, but only briefly. She took a deep breath after letting go of my hand. Another tear fell, but I could tell she'd gotten control of herself once more.

"At first I felt guilty because I hadn't been there," she said, smiling sadly as she added, "But my aunt Beatrice, who was my mother's older sister and the person who ended up taking me in despite the years of estrangement that existed between the two, made sure I understood my being there would have changed nothing. My father was going to snap sooner or later. If I'd been there than he would have killed me too. My father was a big man and my mother always was a timid woman. Neither she nor I would have been able to stop him, either together or apart."

I could have said I was sorry again, but it was pointless. Kim had to live with what happened to her every day of her life. My being sorry was irrelevant. So instead, I changed the focus of the conversation.

"Tell me about your aunt. She sounds like someone I's like."

This time Kim's words came far more easily. She clearly loved the woman very much. Her aunt had been both the mother hers couldn't be and the father Kim never knew she needed. The brunette talked for some time, sharing stories about her aunt. She sounded like quite the character. Eventually, like I had earlier, Kim started talking about herself.

I sat silently listening and began to understand Kim, who she was and how she became that way. The sad part was that she was well on the way to recovery from her childhood thanks to her aunt when the woman's tragic death by a drunk driver hit her. Kim was in her late teens at the time.

"I remember sitting in the courtroom and hearing the man who murdered my aunt with his car all but crying as he explained how sorry he was and how he hoped the judge would show leniency. I might have had more sympathy for him if I didn't know for a fact that it wasn't the first time he'd driven drunk. It was just the first time he killed someone." Kim paused, obviously reliving some sad memories. I knew how that felt so I sat patiently waiting.

"In retrospect, the DA did a terrible job bringing to light what type of man the accused truly was. Maybe he was that inept or maybe he'd been bought off. I don't know. The bottom line that was that the murderer was charged with vehicular manslaughter, not gross vehicular manslaughter. Worse, the judge decided it was a misdemeanor level crime instead of a felony."

I wasn't up on the law and what the different charges meant. It didn't matter. Kim explained what I needed to know a moment later.

"Bottom line, he got off with a slap on the wrist." The underlying tone of her voice let me know how angry she still was over the judge's verdict. "The injustice of what happened was too much for me. I was lost for a time after that. I got involved with drugs." She paused, shaking he head. "I got involved with a lot of things that weren't good for me. I was well down a destructive path when I heard that the murderer had died from what the coroner was calling a massive heart attack."

"I didn't go to his wake, but I couldn't resist showing up at the cemetery. I remember smiling, almost contently as I watched from a distance as he was lowered into the ground. It felt like the first true justice that happened in my life. That's when they found me." I didn't need her to clarify. They could only be the group who dealt with the El-Kordai.

"The last woman to have one of the demons ride along in her body had directed her El-Kordai eat the man's guilt and punish him for what he'd done. Apparently, killing my aunt was only the last in a long line of things the man felt guilt for and had gotten away with over the years."

"Purvi wasn't nearly as caring as my aunt, but she and the rest of her group took me in and showed me the way. They showed me that there were different types of justice in the world and that man's paled in comparison to what they did with the El-Kordai's help." She frowned for a moment before continuing.

"Up until I met you, I was certain that the El-Kordai were the ultimate in justice. The concept of letting the guilty person's own remorse punish them seemed so right. That's why I worked so hard to be what I've become."

"I never took into consideration that a person could feel guilty for things outside of their control, which is pretty odd since I know that deep down there is a part of me that will always blame myself for what my father did to my mother."

"That wasn't your fault," I insisted. "You were just a kid."

"Just like what the succubus does isn't your fault," Kim replied, pointedly. I smiled, but still didn't agree.

"I'm not a child."

"But you are only human," she retorted. "And it is a demon, a powerful one at that."

We fell silent once more, looking at each other across the small table. It was obvious that neither of us was going to agree with the other. By the same token, we appreciated the other's efforts. Still, after a while, things began to feel awkward.

I don't mean uncomfortably. The problem was the exact opposite. Sitting with Kim was one of the most comfortable feelings I'd ever had. That's what made it awkward. We were doomed to face each other shortly until one of us was dead, and yet here we sat in companionable silence.

"You know," I finally said, trying to shake the feeling of melancholy that threatened as thoughts of our coming confrontation came to the forefront. "I'm been trying to find out which of us had the worse father." That made her snort and actually laugh, if only briefly.

"No contest," she replied. "Mine was a monster who made my life a living hell while he was alive, but all that's left of him is the scars. Your father neglected you for eighteen years and then dumped a succubus on you. Yours was definitely worse."

"Yeah, but the scars your father gave you are deep and you'll carry them for the rest of your life. You have to live with the memories. I have none except that one visit. Truthfully, the only father figure I've ever had was my grandfather and he was, maybe still is, as close to ideal as I could ever picture."

"Um, succubus." Kim's retort made me smile. It was the way she said it. "You've got a succubus controlling your life."

"And that group of yours and the El-Kordai aren't controlling you?"

"They really aren't," she argued.

"Really?" I asked in disbelief. "So, they'd have no problem with you taking a month-long vacation from doing whatever it is you do?" I knew exactly what she did, but I didn't want to talk about that. I could tell I's scored a point from her expression, but it was only one point and not a particularly big one based on her reaction.

"I walked into this with my eyes open."

"I fair point," I sighed. "But at least my father didn't leave me any memories of how he mistreated my mother. I have a picture of my mom based on what my grandparents told me. It might not be reality, but at least it's comforting."

"A fair point," Kim offered, repeating me. "You don't have memories of watching your father hurting your mother and her not standing up to him. I do, and that sucks." She paused, but only for effect this time. "But did I mention the fact that you're ensnared by a family curse that's tied you to a succubus? A freaking succubus!"

There was nothing funny about what we were saying, but suddenly, we were both laughing. I guess the insanity of our discussion finally got to us. It's not like we could have this type of conversation with everybody.

I don't know why I glanced toward the front door while laughing, but when I did, I quickly lost my sense of humor. I stood and backed away from the table, and more important, the apartment entrance as quickly as possible until I was standing at my bedroom door.

"What's wrong?" Kim asked coming around the table in concern. She had noticed where I'd looked before I reacted.

"Sarina," I said, swallowing hard. "The ring is a lot closer than where it landed when you threw it from us." Kim reacted in the expected way. She turned to look for the golden band on the floor. As soon as she saw it, she reacted instinctually. In moments, she was standing next to me. We were both staring at the ring. It was a danger to us both. If either of is touched it, it would be the end.

My heart was racing as fast as it ever had before. I feared Sarina and her ring more than anything else in the world. Well, anything except Kim falling under the succubus's power.

"I'm going to go pick it up." My voice came out as a whisper, as if my words would change anything. "I'll hold on as long as I can, but Sarina is pissed. I can feel that from here. She's going to hit me with everything she has. You have to get to the necklace as soon as possible."

"You know," Kim said in a surprisingly calm voice. "You really have to stop referring to it as a she. It's not. It's an it." I couldn't help give her a strange look.

"Um, it's tied to only the men in my family. It helps me seduce women to the point where it takes over their bodies and uses them to pleasure me while eating their souls. What else would a succubus be than female?"

"A man," she replied succinctly. "It seduces women to the point where they all but give themselves to it. It then takes control of the poor woman's body and eats her soul! If that's not a man I don't know what is."

"Wow! Apparently, your issues are more than with just your father," I replied, shaking my head. "You don't like men in general."

"One," she offered with a surprising smile. "I do like one." That made my heart continue to beat quickly, but this time for a completely different reason. Kim's intelligently changed the subject.

"The succubus is neither male or female. I was just making a point. It bonds to the men in your family because that's the deal it made with you ancestor. It can eat the souls of men or women. It chooses women with you because it needs to use the darker desires to get what it wants, and you are heterosexual, extremely so."