Hope a Little Longer

The second thing was that she wasn't looking at all well. In fact she was looking tired, unhappy and on edge all at the same time. It was funny, with a lot of people, with people in general really, I had difficulty noticing these things but with Sarah I could always seem to tell when she was out of sorts and today was definitely a major one.

She sat down heavily and claimed her glass barely managing to avoid actually lunging for it. I let her take a moment to regain some balance. In the end I didn't need to ask so I must have been radiating my concern or she just needed to let it out.

"I've got two weeks notice on my flat Ray, the landlord is selling up. We heard yesterday."

Having a stable address, a proper home, had been a huge thing for Sarah. I wasn't clear on all the details but I was fairly sure she hadn't had her own place to live for very long. I knew that in her current flat she shared with some people who worked with her but before that she'd been making an effort to keep things vague. Taking all this into account I was actually surprised to see she was doing as well with this as she was. She'd even managed to make it out to see me when she must have far more important things to deal with and she was keeping it together. Then of course she blew that theory completely by lowering her head and bursting into tears. I shuffled my stool around so that I could lean forward and put an arm around her.

"It's a bloody disaster Ray." she said bleakly.

Hearing her swear even mildly like this was in itself a clear indication of the pressure she was under. I'd literally only ever heard her do it once before.

"We've got to be out by the eighteenth. Most of the others are staying with family until the New Year rather than even try to find somewhere else before then. And well, you know, not really on the cards for me?"

She leant back and smiled up at me unevenly through her tears, making sure I saw the joke, and I couldn't help a quick snort of laughter at the black humour of it as I smiled back. It was good to see she could still manage that at least. I wanted to let her know that I'd do anything I could to help and I was trying to think how best to say so when I realised that there really was something I had to offer.

"You can come and stay with me for a bit if you want. I've got a spare room and I only use it for storage. It's even got a bed in it already."

I'm not sure what I expected in response to this. To be honest I hadn't really had a chance to think it through myself. A small part of me panicked that I was inviting someone into my treasured personal space, but that was ridiculous, I liked Sarah and what kind of a friend would I be to value such a little thing when I could help her. Anyway, I speculated, it might be fun to have someone around for a while. Actually deep down somewhere I was aware there was a part of me which was excited by the idea of having Sarah in particular to stay. We'd been increasingly close recently and I looked forward all day to seeing her whenever we met up so why wouldn't it be nice to have her in the spare room. All that added up to a surprisingly deep pang of disappointment when a regretful look passed across her face and she said.

"Oh no Ray, I couldn't do that. You love having that place to yourself."

I tried to keep my face neutral, I was wishing that i'd made it clearer that i'd be happy about it, but this wasn't about me it was about what she was comfortable with. I had a brief think about how best to rescue the situation.

"I really wouldn't mind, i'll tell you what - if you find a better option in time then take it, if you don't though then you take me up on my offer instead. You're my friend and I couldn't let you struggle just because you're worried that I like to be on my own."

She thought, visibly. One of the things I loved about Sarah was how intense she looked when she was thinking.

"Ok then, that sounds fair. We have a deal." and she raised her glass and leant it forward to tap it against my beer bottle.

Later that night i'd only been home half an hour when the chime went on my phone to let me know i'd received a message.

Sorry I was being an idiot earlier. Of course i'd like to stay in your spare room if that is still ok. x

I wasn't going to question the turnaround I'd take my luck as it came. I walked into the room in question to see how much effort it would be to clear it out for her and the answer was practically none. Aside from my gloves, armour and the rest of my kit piled on the bed, and the hoover against the wall, it was empty.

Presumably she'd have bedding but we'd need to get her some furniture as there was nowhere to store clothes and whatever else she had. That was fine though as word in the office was that there would be a seasonal bonus in the December wage which should more than cover anything we needed. I wondered how she was going to move. Neither of us had a car.

Do you want some help moving your stuff?

I'll take that as your way of saying yes then. Thanks Ray. x

After that it all happened amazingly quickly. It turned out that one of her housemates had decided to clear out as soon as possible too and had hired a van to move over the weekend. He'd do a quick load for us after he had finished doing his own moving and before he dropped the van back off at the depot. Sarah spent the morning packing up then called me to come over early in the afternoon. As it was a nice day I navved my way over to her flat on foot to help with the lifting and carrying.

When I got there her stuff was all stacked up ready to go and she was sensibly dressed for the moving in a top and jeans quite similar to mine. I'd not seen her dressed down like this before as we'd always met after work so far. She actually looked really good, she couldn't have worn the boy's tee-shirts I bought though, she had a lot more than me going on up top.

I was pleased to see she had a bookshelf and a set of drawers as well as a couple of lamps. That would help to fill the room out and probably meant we needn't buy any more furniture for her before payday. Aside from that I was amazed, even upset perhaps to see how little she had. All I could see were a couple of boxes of books, clothes packed into a selection of cases and carriers, some kitchen stuff. That was it.

It was a tiny thing I knew, and it even shamed me slightly that it had taken something as prosaic as her possessions to have made me notice, but somehow it was that which triggered the realisation in me of how isolated she must be. It had been Sarah out on her own in the world since she was seventeen now. The only people there to look after her and care for her had in all likelihood been those who were being paid to do so.

I thought about how Jen and the boys had taken me into their home and made me one of their own. I thought about going down for Christmas at the end of the month and how my room would still be there for me, and how it'd probably still be there for me in five, ten years if I needed it. She'd got none of that only those few things in my stupid little spare room. All these thoughts opened up inside me into a strong sense of determination and care. It was simple really - Sarah would be part of my personal family now and i'd look after her and support her as she deserved to be supported for as long as she wanted to let me. I decided not to mention this to her right at that moment though as I had a suspicion it might have come across as a little weird.

When we were done Sarah thanked Gary for helping with the moving and I asked if he wanted to stay for dinner. He had to take the van back though and he'd had a longer day than either of us so it wasn't surprising he just wanted to finish up. Instead of cooking I ordered in a pizza and while we are waiting for the food to arrive I gave her the keys i'd had cut for her and showed her how to use the alarm.

When we had finished eating we took our drinks to the sofa and we ended up putting Up! on. One of the guys at work had been going on about it and had lent me the DVD so, as neither of us had seen it, it seemed worth a try. It made us both teary at the beginning, laugh in the middle and then cry again at the end but in a nice way. We agreed it was really good and spent a while competing to do the best and funniest impressions we could of the dogs' voices but once we'd both had enough of that it was time for bed.

I'd finished in the bathroom and was headed to my room when she passed me in the hall and unexpectedly pulled me in for a long hug. Pressing up close against me she said right next to my ear, "Thanks so much Ray. It is really good to be here."

Over the next fortnight we settled into a comfortable routine and I found that any fears I might have had about the difficulties of sharing living space were entirely unfounded and that it was really easy to live around Sarah. We agreed who'd be doing the cooking between us on a day to day basis and she would definitely try to make sure she did more than me but I thought she was probably feeling a little awkward that i'd told her I didn't need her to pay any rent so I would let her.

One evening I came home to find her working through a series of perfect tai chi forms in the living room. The ritual was very important to Sarah in particular and she was barefoot on the boarded floor and had changed into her white cotton gi. That was apparently the standard uniform at the school where she had first studied and, although the place she went to now was more tracksuits and tee-shirts, she still liked to wear it when she was practising alone.

I sat down quietly on the arm of the sofa and watched the graceful movements of her body, her slow measured steps, the way that her hands rolled and drifted in unison, then harmony, apparently stretching and shaping the space between them. Her grace as she carefully stepped, turned, stretched, blocked, and stepped again was mesmerising. Her face beatific, unreadable.

The evenings were the best, lounging around after dinner and telling stories about our days. I told her a little about life on the farm with Jen and the boys and she opened up a bit about her time in some kind of sheltered accommodation and about how that had, by increments, metamorphosed into the work she was doing now.

We ended up talking at some point about how sharing the flat was going. I told her that I didn't think there was any need for her to look for anywhere else if she liked it here. She wriggled herself back deeper into her corner of the sofa like a cat making a nest and said there was 'nowhere else she would rather be' so I suppose she thought it was going alright too. I mean that meant she liked it here or she hated it everywhere else right? And she seemed happy enough, that was what the wriggle was all about.

Our wonderful goodnight hugs had become a ritual of their own last thing each night after we were changed and ready for sleep. So much so that I felt some disappointment on the evening I toppled in tipsy after the office Christmas party and found she had already gone to bed. I padded around as quietly as I could while I changed and cleaned my teeth to avoid disturbing her.

All my attempted sneakiness was wasted though when just before I walked into my room I heard the click of her door behind me and turning I found my arms suddenly full of warm soft sleepy Sarah. Her head nestled in under my chin with her hair in my face and the floral scent of her shampoo everywhere.

"Goodnight Ray." she whispered and then she was gone again as quickly as she had appeared, leaving me standing there dazed with a smile I couldn't seem to remove from my face, and which I was still wearing as I lay in the darkness in the last moments before sleep. Somehow I was starting to find that these little moments of intimacy were the high points of each day.

It was funny i'd been looking forward to going away for Christmas for ages but now it had come I was feeling a lot more ambivalent. Part of me would rather have stayed here at home. I had even checked with Jen whether it would be ok if Sarah wanted to come down too and of course the answer had been yes; but it turned out that this time of year was a busy season in her line of work. Not that surprising really I supposed.

The upshot was that Sarah was going to be working nearly every day and couldn't come away with me anyway. As I grabbed my bag to head for the station I felt a little sad that she'd be on her own. I had left a small pile of gifts for her on my bed though which i'd let her know about by text or over the phone late that evening.

Part 6 - Christmas Eve

I called Jen when I was a few stops away from the station and she drove down to pick me up. I'd been struggling with my bag for the whole journey as it was feeling bigger than I had thought it was going to and quite unwieldy. Driving back up to the farm it was almost the first time it really felt like winter to me that year. In the city it just didn't show as much.

They'd done the house up beautifully with a wreath on the door, huge clusters of holly nestled in the corners of the rooms and paper garlands running in from the corners to the light fittings. I piled the clutch of presents I had brought with me under the tree.

Taking my bag up to my room I emptied out my clothes and, carefully packed in right at the bottom, I found two beautifully wrapped packages which I hadn't put there, one small and rectangular the other large, squarish, and soft. Smiling I put them up on the dresser in the corner.

Then outside the window I heard the boys chatting as they walked through the yard and I had to go straight out to find out what they were up to. This was the first time I had been down since harvest and they had made a huge change on the farm that year which I couldn't wait to see.

I raced out the back door and they were both walking away from me toward one of the outbuildings so I picked my target from the two broad backs and leapt onto Stephen's, hugging him from behind and completely leaving the ground for a moment before I let go and dropped back onto my feet. Mike then put one arm around me and slapped my back in greeting. They were both as excited to show off their new toys as I was to see them and they led me quickly toward the new barn.

Aside from a couple of fields of stone fruit the entire farm was apples. Specifically cider apples. Originally the cider was fermented and bottled on the farm and a lot of the old equipment had been falling to dust in the sheds ever since we'd given that up back in the sixties. More recently we had used to sell the whole crop to a local independent producer but a few years ago they had sold up to one of the major national players and ever since then that lot had been using their buying power to squeeze our margins. Times were getting tougher and it had all been looking pretty dismal when unexpectedly the government had decided to relax the restrictions on licensing for one specific aspect of alcohol production.

So Stephen had written up the business plan, Michael had gone off to take a university course in brewing and distilling at some place far up north, and while that was happening money was gathered and loans were arranged. Now there was a brand new press and a dozen fermentation and storage tanks in one barn, and racked space for literally thousands of barrels for storing and aging the product in a second. What I wanted to see though, and what was waiting for us in the third of the major buildings where we were walking right now, were the stills.

It was like a temple inside. I just wanted to stand there and look at the shining copper minarets and take in the smell of the place so that is exactly what I did for a good long while. Mike and Steve had grins as wide as their faces and I could see that even though they had been using the equipment for months now the fascination hadn't worn off. They talked me through the process by which the raw cider was pumped directly in from the fermentation room via pipes laid underground between the buildings then heated slowly and repeatedly to separate then purify the alcohol.

Then there were stacks of barrels waiting at the side of the room to be filled with the resulting brandy for aging. Some were newly coopered virgin oak from one of the last remaining producers in England but there were also bourbon barrels from the US, whisky barrels from Scotland and sherry barrels from southern Spain. All of these would eventually impart their own unique character to the base spirit. Lastly next summer the plum and damson harvest would be steeped in a proportion of the year old brandy to add yet more layers of flavour.

I texted Sarah late in the evening after dinner telling her about my day and sending her over some photos to add colour to my descriptions. She was home now but hadn't come off her shift until a couple of hours before. Reading between the lines she had worked several extra hours to help bridge some of the gap left by people who had gone to be with their families.

I'll miss my hug tonight, maybe i'll go and hug your pillow instead as a substitute!

You'll find your presents then, check on my bed.

Oh wow Ray, thank you so much that's really sweet of you. x

Couldn't have you missing out, I hope you like them. And you hid gifts in my bag too, so thanks to you as well.

I pointed her also to the stash of edible goodies i'd left for her in the kitchen, hidden right at the back of one of the cupboards.

Then we kind of exchanged presents. I opened the smaller first and she had bought me a new wallet having noticed how battered mine was. It was a considerate gift, i'd been meaning to find a replacement as the scruffiness had been bothering me for some time, but I didn't think i'd mentioned it out loud so I was taken aback by the level of insight it implied from her. In the second parcel was a soft leather jacket in a very dark brown which fitted me perfectly somehow. It was heavy, luxurious and gorgeous, embossed with a subtle maker's mark at the back of the collar and on each cuff. It must have cost her a fortune, far more than she could afford.

Back at home I knew she was unwrapping a dark cashmere scarf I had chosen to fit in with the palette of deep autumn colours she loves, some suede winter boots, and a new phone. The phone was just a grey market import but I had done my research and knew it would be a good upgrade from her current one. I'd also left her a card and inside was a slip of paper with the username and password for my Spotify account which I had upgraded so that she could use it too. Lastly in the same envelope there was something for us both to enjoy, a pair of tickets to a show in the West End at the end of January.

It was obvious we'd both put a lot of thought into our choices and that she loved my gifts as much as I loved hers. We passed a few more texts back and forth and she sent me a photo of the boots on her feet. They seemed to fit and she was obviously delighted with them but the overall look of the picture was a little odd as her legs were otherwise bare, she must have changed for bed already.

Too soon she needed to get to sleep ready for another long day so she signed off with a hug emoji and I had to rummage around in the little collection of icons for a couple of minutes before I found the same one so that I could send it back in return.

Part 7 - Christmas

Christmas day had been a good day, exactly the comfortable re-affirmation of our familial bond which I had needed, but it was definitely drawing to a close. Steve had gone up to bed, and Mike and Julie had walked back over to the cottage where they lived now, so it was only me and Auntie Jen left. There was still the occasional crackle and flicker from the embers as the flame hunted out the last few fragments of fuel. Checking my phone I found Sarah had texted me a hug forty minutes ago so that must have been when she had gone to bed. I hesitated briefly and decided that on balance i'd rather risk waking her up than have her think I hadn't answered so I sent one back.