Hope a Little Longer

When I eventually looked up at her Angela was smiling at me as if I was a newborn chick.

"It's a good thing you're doing Ray. Ok the whole promise aspect is intense but I can see how that fits with you, you don't do anything by halves and it's very practical. I'm not seeing what the problem is though, by the sound of it it's all going really well."

I couldn't even look at her. I gazed down at my untouched coffee and said in a quiet voice, "The problem is that i'm gay."

"Hey, hey, focus." Angela's change of mood was obvious and extreme as she drummed her open hand against the table a couple of times making me look up. She spoke intensely, almost angrily.

"Don't ever say that. That is not a problem ok? You never have to say that."

I started to lose my grip about then. I thought she'd have got it but she didn't understand.

"But it is." I heard the shaking in my voice, I saw my vision blur as the tears flooded into my eyes and I didn't think there was any stopping them.

"I just can't get her out of my head Angela. It's a big fucking problem."

Angela held one of my hands while I dabbed at my eyes with a napkin. She went on in a gentler tone.

"Well now that's a whole different thing isn't it. Listen hon, you came to me for advice right? So pay me some attention. I'm not saying you don't have an issue to deal with here. But you're all wrong on how you're looking at it.

"Look i've shared houses with gay women, and straight men for that matter, when I was at university and it never caused any romantic issues. I had my boyfriends, they had their girlfriends and we shared good social lives. So take a step back, calm down, and have a think about this. What's causing your problem?"

So I did what I was told, and it took a while as Angela sat there an image of inscrutable calm, but it made sense what she was saying. When the realisation reconciled itself in my mind I couldn't believe I hadn't figured it out for myself before now, but then again that was why I was sitting there talking to someone who was so much better at understanding these things than me wasn't it.

I didn't think it necessarily made the situation any easier to resolve but at least it reframed it into terms which I understood and possibly even talk about more constructively. I'd got myself all tangled up and made things far more complicated in my head than they needed to be. Put simply the issue was not whether I was straight or gay or whatever. The issue was that whatever else I might be I was in love with Sarah.

Angela obviously saw that I had got there.

"You've got to talk to her about it though hon, and soon. It's no use trying to keep everything bottled up like you are when you can see it isn't working. You need to put this all out in the open so that you can decide between the two of you how you are going to deal with it."

"She might not like me anymore though."

Wrapping actual words around the thought somehow made it more real than just thinking it and its new solidity was devastating.

"Then better to know sooner. But Ray, I think she'll surprise you, It'll all work out, ok?"

Part 12 - A Night of Theatre

Today was not a good day to bring things to a head though. We'd got our tickets to the theatre and had both been looking forward to the night out since Christmas. I wasn't prepared to spoil that by springing my 'deep meaningful' just before we were due to go out. The pessimistic side of me was definitely seeing this evening as my last opportunity to create a perfect memory to treasure in the future.

Sarah loved the theatre and since I had given her the tickets at Christmas she had been increasingly excited about it and obsessively perfecting her plans. I'd taken an early afternoon at her insistence, so that we could be ready to go out on time without hurrying, and when I got out of the bath I found she had left my attire for the evening on the bed. The clothes were gorgeous, my Sarah had chosen them so well. Slacks in charcoal, a white shirt patterned in dark purple with a geometric design, a jacket to match. They were men's styles but tailored to a feminine fit highlighting my shape. The amethyst cufflinks took me some time to figure out, i'm no Sean Connery.

I walked out of my room into the living room and she was already there waiting, a vision of beauty. Her dress was dark burgundy, a little above the knee, and it hugged her so closely she surely didn't have anything on underneath. She wasn't dressed so much as she was a naked woman in clothes. She stepped to me and smoothed my jacket with her hand.

"Do I look ok?" I asked anxiously, "It must make me look like a man."

"You don't look at all like a man, I wouldn't want you to look like a man." she replied, "You look perfect."

Then the taxi was there, and we had early seats at a restaurant in Soho which had once been a pub and was now filled with tiny candlelit tables, handwritten menus, and old dark oak church pews instead of chairs. When we arrived Sarah gave the waiter the details of our tickets so that he could make sure we left in time. I wish I could tell you what we ate. When we did leave to walk to the theatre she put her arm through mine as we did so, as if that was just the way it was meant to be.

The play was by Tom Stoppard. It was funny and thoughtful and probably far deeper than I appreciated. I can't recall at what point I noticed that Sarah was holding my hand. Afterwards, arm in arm again, we walked through the evening crowd the few hundred metres down to the Strand where we flagged down a taxi. And I thought at that moment that it couldn't have been a more perfect evening.

I made coffee when we got in. It wasn't exactly going to help us sleep but there was something about an evening like that which demanded coffee at its close. I brought it to her in the living room and we sat together. She'd put some music on, instrumental and very old, quiet but just loud enough to cover the sound of the occasional car still passing on the street outside.

I finished my coffee and put the mug down on the table. Somewhere in the background the music was still playing but I was hardly aware of it. I was still looking at her and feeling her warmth pressed gloriously against me as she leant into me on the sofa. I didn't want to break the mood. It would have been so easy to have stayed there, to keep to the way we were, drift off and wake up in the morning with her still there resting back into me again. But we were both here now and I realised the time had come, I needed to say something even if it did feel as if I was ending the world.

"Sarah," I said very quietly, "You know i'm gay right?"

I felt her tense up and a wave of trepidation rose in me. Then she looked back at me, smiled and gave a little rapid nod which was so insanely sweet I could hardly stand it and I felt the tiny prickle of tears start in the corners of my eyes. The tension in me broke as suddenly as it had begun. I sagged in relief that she was apparently not going to get up and walk away but I was left nonetheless feeling more than a little deflated. I looked away from her across the room.

"Everyone seems to have figured it out before me."

She reached up and held her palm against my cheek, turning me back to face her again. Her face had changed and I saw concern, gentle amusement and something else. It looked like hope.

"Hey it's ok Ray there's nothing wrong with that." she let her hand stroke down my face and come to rest on my shoulder, "We all learn about ourselves at the right time. It's different for everyone."

I kept talking around the issue, "I suppose for me the right time only came recently then. It's been a bit hard to process. I'd kind of assumed that sex would be something which came later for me, or even not at all, but now i'm finding I really want something to happen and I don't know what to do about it."

"Well the first thing might be to find someone you cared for and see if she might feel the same way too."

Her eyes were fixed on me, scanning my face intently for whatever signals she might have been able to pick up in my changing expression. The look on her face was complex, very intense, up to that point in time one of my favourite looks for her. My heart sang out at the sight of her and a deep pulse of desire low in my belly echoed back its own insistent beat. I squirmed slightly where I sat and feel that pulse transform into a sliding moistness between my legs.

"Have you then Ray?" She went on slowly, "Have you found a girl you care for?"

I looked down at her, my best friend, all warm and comfortable below me.

"I have." I stammered. I could hardly bear to keep my eyes on her but I utterly refused to look away again. So I basked in her gaze and waited for immolation.

"Is it me Ray?"

And what choice did I have but to nod.

"Good." she whispered, and she was so close now that I felt her breath on my face and smell the way it was perfumed by the coffee and that deeper sweeter scent which was just her. Inhaling her felt like drawing a mild electric current down through my throat and into my chest. My heart was beating so hard I heard the blood rushing in my ears and felt it pulsing below my skin.

"We can care for each other then." I heard her say. And I felt her hand on the back of my head, her fingers in my hair. For a moment I thought she was pulling me toward her but then I realised it was me, I was lowering my head and helpless to stop. All I could manage was open my mouth slightly so that when we finally made contact my lower lip slipped between hers and she sucked on it gently as we kissed.

I closed my eyes then and was suspended in a void where there was nothing other than her mouth on mine. The soft warm wetness of it as she caressed me. I felt the tip of her tongue as she ran it in between my lips and I let her in. It was like a whole new form of communication, a delicate exchange of exquisite little promises in each lick and suck and probe and each slip of wet surface across wet surface. I started to notice her hands moving purposefully between us, she was unbuttoning my shirt.

The kiss broke. I looked at her in shock. My mouth moved. I was trying to speak but I couldn't decide where to begin. She wanted me, she didn't just accept me, she wanted me. I burst into tears.

"I'm so sorry," I said, "I thought I was going to lose you."

"It's ok," she replied, wiping the tears from my cheeks gently and kissing me on the nose, "That really isn't going to happen. I've been waiting for you. I've been in love with you for ages."

Her hands were inside my shirt now stroking me and sending tremors of pleasure through me. She leant in and kissed me again and her hands found my small breasts. She teased my nipples with her fingers and the little bolts of desire made my breath catch and the tension between my legs felt hotter and the ache of need more acute. Then she turned to face me properly, lifting one leg over mine and the damp heat of her groin radiated through my trousers as she straddled my leg. She shuddered as she wrapped her legs around my thigh and deliberately rubbed herself against me and I started to get the message that she was feeling as needy as I was. She leant back and looked at me.

"Ray do you mind if we go to bed. These clothes are pretty but they're a bit uncomfortable now and they're starting to get in the way."

So we went to bed. Sarah stood up, pulled the straps of her dress off her shoulders and stepped out of it, leaving her completely naked in front of me. Her body was beautiful, her breasts hanging heavy on her chest with large very dark brown nipples, the shadow of dark hair between her thighs. She smiled at my stare then turned slowly to show herself off to me completely before she ran off out of the room.

A couple of minutes later I walked into my bedroom with not a stitch on, skin starting to feel the cold already. The sidelight by the bed filled the room with a soft glow and there was Sarah hiding under the duvet and grinning, she lifted it, revealing herself again in all her glory and encouraging me in to join her.

"You're so beautiful Ray, and I really need a cuddle now please." she said.

How did she always know how to say the right thing, i'd been very apprehensive you see. I knew I loved Sarah, I knew now, amazingly, that she loved me, but I didn't know what she wanted from me. Well ok I had the gist I thought but when it came to specifics not so much. It had taken every bit of courage I was able to summon to walk in there naked in front of her. But somehow she understood, and she'd found something familiar, something we had done so many times.

I slipped into bed beside her and we snuggled up closely against each other and kissed again. It was like our usual cuddles in a way but so different in others. Her breasts were pressed delightfully onto me and I felt her nipples pointing into my chest and her hands stroking up and down my back, I bravely reached my own hands down lower to hold the backs of her thighs and stroke the delicate flesh there with the tips of my fingers. The rising pangs between my own legs were like a thirst.

Sarah rolled us over so that she was on top of me, straddled my thigh again and pushed hers up between my legs, pressing hard into my cunt so that my lips parted and my wetness spread over her. I could feel her in turn, hot and damp against the front of my own leg and the rasp of her hair as she rubbed herself onto me. Her breasts loomed pendulous, beautifully rounded and pale. I reached my hands up to stroke them and feel their weight, she moaned in appreciation as I caressed them, delighting in the soft warmth of her skin. He large dark nipples were tight and erect against my palm. I was forced to let go though when she dipped her head down to my chest and sucked my own right nipple into her mouth, the soft wet heat triggering an intense growing expansion of pleasure so that I gasped and arched my head back involuntarily pushing my chest forward to insist that she continue.

She brought a hand up to toy with my other breast while she continued to suckle on me, her tongue flicking over the nipple so that I was reduced to making little "Uh uh uh," sounds from the back of my throat. I felt the fingers of her free hand, delicate as a whisper, tracing patterns over my stomach, gradually lower and lower until they burrowed into the hair there. My legs spread wider without any conscious intervention on my part and my hips bucked up for her hand. She heeded their demand and slipped down further still until she was cupping my sex.

Letting my nipple fall from her mouth she looked up at me smiling wickedly. I gazed back into her eyes. There were quakes running through my whole body as she squeezed me gently with her hand, flexing her fingers repeatedly to part my lips slightly then let them close again. I felt the liquid from me slick on her fingers and palm. My breath was coming in judders and pants.

"Sarah. Please." I said, as clearly as I could manage and she responded by dipping her middle two fingers into me and stroking them up so very slowly until after an aeon she was spreading my juices over my clit and my hitched gasps were turning into moans. She kept circling it over and over again as the waves of pleasure overwhelmed me and she held my gaze as she sucked my nipple back into her mouth and reached her free hand up to stroke the side of my face lovingly as I came for her.

Shuffling back up to lie next to me she put her arm around me, her hand sticky still where it had been in me, and planted tiny kisses onto my face and my forehead while I got my breath back.

"You ok my love?"

She'd never called me that before; it was another indication if any was needed that our relationship had changed. By way of reply I rolled over to face her and put my mouth to hers giving her another long slow kiss, I was planning to do that a lot from now on.

I moved a hand between us stroking her stomach, edging lower, feeling the raised mound covered with her hair.

"Touch me," she invited so I reached further, feeling her wetness, slipping fingers easily between her swollen lips and into her liquid warmth. The sense of intimacy, of connection as I carefully entered her delicate centre was almost unbearably wonderful and I felt the little jolts that were still running through my body after my recent orgasm start to grow more insistent again as my own arousal started to ramp back up.

I dipped down to slide two fingers right up inside and curled them to apply pressure just where I liked it when I did this to myself, rubbing gently and steadily. She laid yet more little kisses at the corners of my mouth then looking at me through narrowed eyes she deliberately clenched the muscles inside herself around my fingers and pushed onto my hand with her hips forcing me into her. I opened my mouth and moaned at the sight and the feeling of it.

"Your thumb Ray."

He meaning was clear to me and I wet it where her juices covered my hand then nestled it into the top of her slit and pressed onto the raised bump of her clit. She rolled her hips up again, fucking my fingers and making my thumb slide hard over her. I got the idea and pushed back in counterpoint each time she thrust. I was leant up on my elbow beside her looking down at her, watching the delight on her face each time she pressed me into her, revelling in the rippling of her breasts as she moved and the flushing of her skin. Finally with three very long hard thrusts each accompanied by a deep guttural moan from low in her throat she came, her muscles clamping again around my fingers and a jet of liquid pouring out of her and over my palm.

When she had recovered a little I slipped my fingers from her as gently as I could, delighting in the frictionless slide as I ran them up between her lips then, gathering her back into my arms, I pulled the duvet up over us. She sighed contentedly, drowsily. There was something I wanted to clarify in my head still though.

"So we're girlfriends now?"

Sarah giggled and kissed me again, "I hope so Ray, this isn't something i'd normally do with my landlord."

I woke up curled around Sarah again with my face in her hair, she was snoring softly and my hand was draped around her waist. The scent of the bed this morning was as addictive as it had been yesterday but much more musky and exciting, sparking delightful reminders of the night before. I turned over onto my back leaving one arm pressed against her, not wanting to break that connection even for a moment. I felt so content, so exultant, delighted by her joy in me. She moved against me and I knew she was awake.

"Why me?" I said and she rolled over to face me grabbing my arm to hold onto possessively, which was fine, it could be her arm now.

"I saw you before I realised who you were you know?" she said seriously, "And I said to myself 'Who is that beautiful girl? I'd like to get to know her.'"

She snuggled in closer, resting her head on my chest, her hand reaching out to casually cup a breast.

"And then I didn't see you for ages, even though I looked and looked, and when I finally did see you again I had even come over to talk to you before I recognised you. And oh Ray, then I got to spend time with you and you turned out to be so much more than I had hoped."

She leant over further and sucked a nipple into her mouth again, at the same time reaching into to my crotch with one hand. I was wet and open with desire already and as her fingers entered me I twitched and bucked up. This time though she broke our contact and scooted down the bed to position herself between my legs. She kissed and nibbled the tender flesh on the inside of my thighs and I knew full well what she had planned, anticipatory explosions were already following the touch of her mouth on me. I could feel her breath now, brushing over my cunt and then the gliding of her tongue snaking out, running through my hair and teasing gently at my outer lips before hardening into a point and licking harder, separating me and releasing the flow of my juices. I wondered how I tasted to her, it must have been good as she wasted no time before pressing her face into me and pushing her tongue deep, wriggling wonderfully.