Hope a Little Longer

Jen asked me what i'd been doing so I said I had been texting Sarah at home to say goodnight. I went on to tell her about the treats I had left hidden in our kitchen and how I had led Sarah to them last night after she had got in from her shift and before we exchanged our gifts. I'd already shown off my new wallet and jacket earlier.

"I'm so sorry she couldn't come down in the end Ray." Jen said, "I would have loved to have met her."

I nodded, smiling, "Maybe next time. I would definitely like you to. She's had such a hard time but it's amazing how she has come through it all. She's really quite something."

"And is Sarah, you know, more than just a friend?" Jen went on, her voice tentative.

I couldn't think what she was getting at, "I, I don't know what you mean."

She bit her lip and looked panicked.

"Oh Rachel i'm sorry darling," she blurted out, "It's just with the way you've been talking about her, I mean you've barely told us about anything else since you got here, and with you living together, i'd thought..."

I looked at her blankly as she let the sentence tail off. Then she swallowed and steeled herself to finish quietly, "...she might be your girlfriend."

I started to look at her blankly some more, but no, I got it. Jen started talking again and the words were quite fast but for some reason my brain had stopped serving up the translations. The intonation made it sound as if she was still apologising though. Gradually a more urgent repetitive tone entered her voice and I supposed my continuing silence was starting to worry her, "Ray? Ray?"

"You think i'm gay." I said. I wasn't exactly using the words to convey or process information. Just releasing the first phrase from the top of my head out through my mouth as an indication to her that I was still there.

She stopped very still, paused for a long moment and then sort of affirmatively bobbed her head and shrugged.

"Don't you?" she said cautiously.

To give her credit it was a good question. I appreciated the elegant, and yet matter of fact, way it cut to the chase. A proper one-pull sticking plaster, yes/no of a question. Inconveniently however i'd got a lot going on in my head all of a sudden and I wasn't in a position to give her the clear definite answer it deserved.

"I'm not sure." I said, and I was suddenly very tired indeed. The aftermath of whatever soup of emergency response chemicals my body had flushed into my system was already starting to kick in.

"I need to think about it. Can we talk in the morning? I'm going to go to bed if that's ok."

That came out a lot more abrupt than I had thought it would. Jen flinched visibly, which was entirely reasonable, and she was watching me as if I was about to explode. I didn't want to leave her there thinking I was upset with her, I wasn't, so I made a point of slowing down, telling her not to worry, and giving her a big cuddle before I went upstairs. Unexpectedly I must have been out like a light as soon as my head hit the pillow because the following day I could barely recall getting into bed.

I woke in the morning with a great sense of peace. This bed had been a bastion of security for me for a long time and I lay in the warmth and safety and let thoughts drift through me for a while as I dipped back into and out of true sleep itself.

When I had moved to the farm and my life had changed I suppose it had sort of reset my childhood to a degree and left me with a lot to learn and a constant sense that I was trying to catch up with the rest of the world. Despite my age I hadn't quite learned all the things it meant to be an adult yet and I had got used to assuming that everything which mattered would sort itself out in the end, and right, yes, here we were, back up to speed now.

I found myself kind of re-calibrating past experiences. The boy i'd been half waiting for who was supposed to catch my eye and sweep me off my feet and the way he'd somehow never come along. That concern about my appearance which I only ever got in the company of women. Now that I had been presented with a new point of view I had to admit that it made certain parts of my life make more sense. It wasn't that I didn't like men, men were fine, some of my best friends were men, but I couldn't honestly say I had ever found any of them attractive.

It wasn't as simple as i'm making it sound of course. I was still not sure what to think about all this let alone what to do. I guessed i'd carry on as normal for a while and see what happened which sounded like a good solid approach and had served me well on many occasions. I suspected life was, as ever, going to be full of surprises and I was concerned that not all of them would be good. I was more than a little frightened about how I might be accepted, and not. For example I had been a bit young for this kind of subject to have come up before I had left my birth family but i'd a clear idea how they felt about gay people. About us, I thought experimentally, and something about the shape of the thought already seemed to fit.

So I supposed I did have an answer for Auntie Jen now and I was keen to let her know. I had a shower, got dressed and bounded down the stairs to the kitchen only to be derailed on arrival when I found Julie was sitting there at the table too. Reconsidering my approach on the fly I said good morning to both of them and then moved over to Jen who had been sizing me up since i'd walked in. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and a whispered, "I'm ok, thank you."

This totally failed to pull the wool over Julie's eyes in any way whatsoever and she immediately wanted to know what had got into me. Well, I had to start somewhere I suppose so I took a seat next to her. I didn't want us to be staring right at each other.

"Jen said something last night which made me see something about myself that I hadn't been aware of before. Basically she'd assumed I was gay and actually I think she is right. I'm confused, it's very new, but I do think she's probably right."

Julie was entirely unfazed by this which made me suspect that she and Jen had already had a chat before I had shown up. She took one of my hands, looking very serious, "Hey it'll be ok, take your time. You don't need to rush into anything after all. You can have a little stare at my tits though if you think it would help?"

"What?" I turned to look at her in open-mouthed incomprehension and she collapsed in laughter at the look on my face until she was gasping for breath. It was strangely comforting.

Then there was coffee and toast and, weirdly, grapefruit segments out of a tin which has always been a Boxing Day thing for Jen for reasons I still don't understand. So all was well, if as stated confusing, until I did a quick check of my phone and found my good morning message from Sarah. A huge surge of pleasure ran through me when I saw it, like a signal from outside my conscious mind. My heart literally skipped a beat. This was when I realised Jen had been right about that too, well half right anyway, I was certainly reacting to Sarah as if she was a lot more than just a friend.

Part 8 - Coming Home

The rest of the holiday passed without incident. I decided not to speak about my probable gayness to Mike and Steve right now. It wasn't that I wanted to keep anything secret or that I was concerned about what they might think or say but I wanted to figure out what this all meant for me first. Mike drove me down to the station on the Sunday afternoon and on the way reminded me that he'd be coming up to London for the boat show toward the end of January. I'd promised him a place to stay for the night which I had originally assumed would be in the spare room but was now looking as if it would be on the sofa.

I used the train and tube journeys to do some people watching and to watch myself while I did so, definitely realising as I did so that I was spending a lot more time looking at the women. I then caught myself rationalising that this was because the women were so much more colourful and interesting than the men were and I couldn't help but laugh as I replayed that in my head. I can be seriously unperceptive sometimes.

When I got back to the flat late afternoon and opened the door I was expecting to hear the warning bleeps of the alarm but instead was met by a thick wave of warm steamy air scented with cooking food. I dropped my bag in the hall and walked into the kitchen where I found Sarah busy at work. She had music on and was bouncing around industriously to the beat. For some reason Sarah had a taste for really weird hippie trance music, not the charty sanitised versions, the proper kind made by faceless backpacking superstars with names like like Ananji or Nirvana. Seeing me come in she smiled, dropped what she was doing, and trotted over to join me. Grabbed me she pulled me in and reflexively my arms slipped around her, my hands falling flat against the small of her back.

"I'm so glad you're back Ray." she said, "I finished early so I thought i'd make us dinner."

She was just wearing tracksuit bottoms, mine I think actually, and a tee shirt. No bra, absolutely definitely no bra. The feeling of her against my body was an epiphany. It had never been like this before, or I don't know, maybe it had and I hadn't understood it consciously. I was acutely aware of her head on my shoulder and the softness of her breasts pressing against mine.

Her breath, as she took it in, stretched and raised the circle of my arms ever so slightly and then, as she breathed out with a deep sigh of contentment, they dropped back down again. It seemed as if my body was spontaneously growing new nerve endings wherever it touched her in order to feel her more closely. If I had had any doubts about my sexual preference left then they could all be swept away now. I could feel my own breath changing and the hint of an aching warmth start to grow between my legs.

There was a hiss from the cooker as something boiled over. Sarah shrieked and rushed back over to tend to the pot so she didn't see the look on my face. I was shocked, elated, and deeply embarrassed. I only had a moment or two to pull myself together so I shouted over that I was going to take a shower and I made my escape.

My mind still dwelt on her while I showered, and yes, I masturbated. I closed my eyes as the warm water cascaded down over me and I could feel again her warm back under my palms as I had held her. Running my hands down over my breasts I stopped and circling my nipples with my fingertips briefly. Instead of the usual tingles of arousal I was familiar with when I was starting to turn myself on I found them already hypersensitive, triggering jolts of pleasure down my belly into my sex and making me gasp.

I stroked on, lower, over my stomach until my fingers barely skimmed the edges of my pubic hair as they passed over the front of my hips then curved in to stroke the sensitive skin of my inner thighs. I changed direction to stroke back up toward my opening and pressed my palms hard against my thighs, forcing my legs wider apart until I felt the delicate peeling sensation of my lips separating.

In my mind Sarah was behind me, breasts pressed hard against my back and one cheek hot between my shoulder blades, it was her palms, not my own, which were stroking me. I lifted one hand to brace myself against the tiled wall but the other, the one I brought up to dip into myself, to gather fingers full of the slick liquid there and rub it onto my already swollen clit, was hers.

I traced slow circles over my hood while my arousal continued to grow, occasionally stopping to dip back down and inside, more and more deeply until before long I was pumping two fingers into myself as far as they would go for a couple of strokes each time before returning to the top. Then as I felt the tension building I moved faster and more directly from side to side across my clit, applying more pressure until I pushed myself over the edge and I felt the muscles inside me clench sharply several times as I came. I was left out of breath, amazed by the intensity of the orgasm. Aftershocks were firing off little twitches down my legs leaving me unsteady.

I finished showering, dressed in comfy things for the evening, and went looking for Sarah in the kitchen then in the lounge but she must have been in her room because I didn't find her. So I grabbed my bag from the hall and sat on the sofa unpacking a few bits. A few minutes later I heard her in the kitchen again but apparently she was done in there for a while because she joined me shortly afterwards. She was very flushed but I supposed it was warm by the stove and she had been working hard.

We fiddled about for a while trying to set up some of the apps on her new phone. Then I modelled my new jacket for her and she cooed in appreciation at how good it looked on me. Sarah rushed off to her room again and came back with another brightly wrapped parcel. Inside I found two pairs of dark trousers and two shirts which were almost in my usual style. They were better made than I would usually have bought for myself though, the feel of the material spoke volumes of its quality, and although quite androgynous they were tailored for a closer fit. When I tried them on they felt really good and looking in the mirror it was still me but somehow more so. I was quite humbled both by her generosity and by how carefully and well she had chosen for me. I think I was a little over the top with my thanks though because after a bit she told me to stop.

"Enough Ray. I'm saving a lot by not paying you any rent for a start so, unless you want to have that argument again, i'll spoil you if I want to. And I like dressing you Ray, you don't make the most of your looks."

It was true that I generally shopped with comfort and convenience in mind but looking at these new things I did kind of understand the point of their design. Then it was time for dinner, which was great, Sarah was a fantastic cook and she was playing to her strengths today. It was a simplified Christmas roast with chicken instead of turkey which meant there would be plenty for sandwiches the next day too.

"That was lovely Sarah thank you. I'm going to have to cut down on eating soon and spend some time in the gym. I feel like i've been constantly stuffed for days."

"Right, yeah you must have at least six ounces of body fat building up. Very unsightly." Sarah often made a big thing out of my slimness. At first I had thought she was doing that whole weight conscious putting yourself down thing but I didn't really have that feeling. She didn't go in for that sort of thing and she was comfortable in her body and in really good shape too, just inclined to be more rounded than me.

We chatted after dinner. She had had a bit of a difficult time at work over the previous few days. People needing social support often have it hard over Christmas and it sounded as if the strength of her empathy made it quite harrowing for her to be there for them. Then again I supposed that was also one of the things which made her so good at it. Empaths have some amazing skills and gain insights which I suppose i'll never be able to see but the poor things do suffer for it as well.

Finally bedtime came and I didn't know whether I was longing for it or dreading it; the two emotions only seemed to be a knife's edge away from each other. When the moment arrived though and we said our goodnight the contact was different again. I couldn't pretend that for me it was chaste, purely between friends, any more. But nor was it tense and heated as I had found earlier. This time it was warm and loving and I could feel in it the way i'd grown to respect and value Sarah and her place in my life. I was sure now that i'd have liked it to mean more but at the same time I was happy that it radiated between us the care that we had grown to feel for each other. I knew that if that was what was on offer I could try to nurture and be happy with it.

Part 9 - Different Worlds

Amazingly we did manage to settle back into a fairly normal routine. I was sort of slightly horny most of the time at home and the pleasure of having Sarah around was wonderful and awful too. She was really great, she was really sweet, I was really happy to have her living with me in the flat, and our evenings in were still some of the most lovely times I could remember, but I was also terrified that she'd notice how badly I was lusting after her. This was frankly not the behaviour of a good friend who had, I periodically had to remind myself, made a personal commitment to providing the safe supportive family space which had been missing from so much of Sarah's life so far.

I suppose the worst thing about the whole situation was that she was the one person in the world i'd most liked to have talked with about this massive change which was suddenly going on with me but I couldn't because all these feelings for her were in the way. And she was very perceptive Sarah, like proper weapons-grade perceptive, so I couldn't help wondering whether she'd end up seeing I was holding something big back and it would end up driving a barrier between us anyway. I was terribly afraid that she'd hate me if she found out how I liked her. I was a mess to be honest.

In recent days i'd been trying to see if I could find some other women attractive. Partly I suppose I was exploring myself, trying to learn more about how I reacted, what and who I liked. Another part of me was hoping that, oh please, this would help me to break this fixation by turning it into something I felt more broadly for women rather than only for Sarah. Over the last couple of weeks i'd been working on watching without being too blatant about it. Learning how to appreciate the women I saw while I was commuting or walking around town without being obvious and freaking them out. In my inner monologue I was referring to these as my ogling tactics.

I would let my eyes slide, I would casually rest my gaze across the exit to the tube carriage so that everyone paraded neatly through my field of vision on their way out the door. I was gazing openly at the reflection of a woman in the window of a train one day, feeling quite secure that I was being circumspect until my gaze moved up and I saw her looking frankly back at me, a smile on her face and she gave me a little wave as she stood up and left the train. I guessed I wasn't her type or I suppose she might have come and spoken to me directly. It made me realise though that there were people around who had been playing this game for a lot longer than I had.

What I was learning it seemed was that I did find women attractive in a direct way which I didn't feel for men but that at a visceral level this was really just window dressing and that it was missing something. I needed an emotional connection I suppose to turn that appreciation into desire.

Angela had taken a week off straight after New Year to go skiing, in Austria somewhere I think (or possibly Bulgaria?), but she was back today. I'd not really thought about her over the previous week or so given that she had been away. Now that she was coming back though I thought about our past conversations and how open she had always been about her insights into who'd been unhappy in the office and needing support, who'd been having trouble at home, who'd been making eyes at who. I thought Sarah probably still had the edge on her with this kind of emotional connectivity ninja stuff but it was possible I was biased.

I was walking from the tube to the office and I was excited to see her again. Aside from Sarah she was my closest friend at that time and now that I had this weird close distance thing going on with Sarah I was really looking forward to having a chat. I wasn't sure if I was quite ready to talk to Angela about everything, I was still a bit wary about sharing, maybe though, it depended how things went. She'd take it ok I thought, she didn't seem close-minded, but I guessed you could never be completely sure.