Journey in Love

He looked even more heartbroken at my coldness. Slowly plodding past me, he sat in his favorite chair and looked at his feet.

"Well?" he asked after looking up at me.

"Well what?"

"Well...I met this man...who knocked me off my feet...but he won't return my calls...and he's looking at me, right now, like I'm cancer. I just need to know why. You're everything I've ever wanted in a man and...I guess, maybe, I thought that was how you saw me. My confidence has...well...let's just say it's never been at lower ebb."

I stared daggers at him, but couldn't yet bring myself to tell him what I'd witnessed the week before.

"Please don't leave me hanging, Ken. If it's something about me...or something I've done...please let me know, so I can fix whatever it is in the event...another chance at fulfillment should ever land at my doorstep."

His pain and confusion seemed so sincere.

"Damn it, Ray!" I said, choking back tears.

He showed his usual concern and started to move beside me on my sofa. I held up a hand and he stopped.

"I know this is hard," the beautiful behemoth coaxed, "It's hard for me, too...but...please?"

Unbelievably, my anger suddenly fell away. I calmly looked at him and decided he deserved that much.

"I saw you, Ray...last Thursday."

"What? Where?"

"Jerusalem Garden...I saw you...both of you! I saw the love in your eyes as you looked at him. I saw you squeeze his arm."

Ray's eyes closed and he rested his forehead in his hands. 'Busted!' I proudly thought to myself, beginning to feel vindicated.

"Aw, Ken," he said, sounding anguished, "I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologize," I flatly stated, suddenly recovering my aloofness, "The heart wants what it wants...and yours obviously wants another bear at your side. I should've known!"

"No, Ken...that's not what I'm saying at all," he softly and patiently countered, "What I mean is, I'm sorry you saw that with...no proper context to process it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"The young man you saw me with...he's my nephew."

"Stop it, Ray! We dated for three months and you never once told me about any nieces or nephews!"

"I realize that now," he concurred.

"And, that was nothing but pure love I saw in your eyes when you squeezed his arm!" I further accused.

"I don't deny it, Ken. It was the purest love possible. I haven't fully shared myself with you. You've shared almost everything about you and...I've held back. May I explain?"

"Sure, you can try. But, I know what I saw," I dryly granted him permission.

"No, you know what you think you saw," he corrected me, his voice full of contrition, "And...seeing how hurt you are by it...and realizing how stupid I've been in not sharing everything you might want or need to know about me...I can't say I blame you for thinking the worst."

In spite of my best effort, he was worming his way back in, "Go on."

"Jeanie and I tried for years to start a family. I thought it was her...that she was...barren. We finally went to a fertility clinic. Turned out it was me...I was shooting blanks."

My heart began to soften, but I remained stoic

"Meanwhile, my younger brother started his family...a son, quickly followed by two girls - twins. I've grown into what you see, but my brother, Howard, was always this big...all his adult life anyway. Poor guy, about twelve years ago, I guess his young heart finally just gave out from having to do the work of two."

My facade began to crack at that news.

"Oh, Ray...I'm so sorry!"

"That's just life, I reckon...losing the ones you love. Anyway, the girls had their mom to look to for their role model. But, Chris...that's my nephew...he was on his own. The lone fellow in a house full of women. I stepped in as best I could to try and fill the shoes Howard left behind...for Chris...and for him too, I guess."

He was convincing me that his pain was too authentic for him to be inventing this on the spot. I didn't know where he was leading me, but I began to wonder if I might've jumped too quickly to the conclusions I'd drawn about him.

"Please, go on."

"Well, the short version is this. Without even realizing it was happening, the closer Chris and I got...the more he became...the son I could never...produce. After Jeanie and I split, I came to rely on him even more for that sense of...family...that deeper connection. The love you saw in my eyes was, for all practical purposes, the love of a father for his son."

I let that sink in for a moment. I still couldn't work out how the dissolution of his marriage figured into it.

"I know it's none of my business but, may I ask why you and your wife split?"

Ray squirmed in his seat for a bit and then finally drew a deep breath.

"That's fine. They say confession is good for the soul, so...here goes. She lost her desire for me. I never lost my desire for her, but...those last seven or eight years together it seemed like...we were more just platonic friends than husband and wife. I was still horny as a teenager for her, but she...just didn't seem...you know...interested...in me."

"How could she lose her desire for a man like you?" I asked, genuinely surprised.

"Maybe it was how big I'd gotten. Not that I was that small when we married, but during those first couple or three years after I retired from the military and started my business, I...just ballooned up to what you see now."

He paused in deep reflection.

"Truthfully, how big I'd gotten might not be the sum total of it. Maybe it was that I never succeeded in getting her pregnant. Or, with my interest in ballet...and gymnastics...maybe she finally picked up on my...appreciation...of guys like you. I thought I was keeping it hidden, but...I guess..."

He trailed off, leaving the thought unfinished.

"It was so different when I was growing up...with these feelings I've always had for men...well, certain men," Ray mused, almost to himself.

"You've always had them?"

"As long as I can remember! Especially athletic men...and especially...athletic Asian men," he said, stressing Asian.

"Really?" I asked, my once hardened heart quickly becoming putty in his enormous hands again.

"Oh-h-h! You have no idea! When I first got in the service I used to love R&R in Asian countries. I'd see these incredibly handsome, young, athletic looking men and...want them! Not just want them, though. I mean, it was never just about sex to me. I could've bought time with any number of male prostitutes over there. They were plentiful and cheap. But, I wanted...more. I wanted to...'be with' them. Every time I saw one who caught my eye, I would endow him with all the personality traits I most admire and...create a...fictional history with him."

"That's really sweet," I said, smiling for the first time since I'd let him in, "Ever go after one?"

"No-o-o-o!" he responded with a blush, "Hell, I was still a virgin when Jeanie and I married. Figured I was just going through a phase...that it would eventually pass. It never did, though. Still, I figured once I was happily married it wouldn't matter. And, as long as the sex flowed freely, it didn't...to me anyway. But, maybe she sensed how my heart was divided. Maybe you can't maintain desire for someone if you feel, deep down, their desire for you isn't...complete...all consuming. I never questioned that from her."

He lifted his gaze to mine and, suddenly, a look of resignation crossed his face.

"I've got to stop this and...finally accept the consequences of my actions," he castigated himself, "Maybe I'll never know for sure why she lost her desire for me in the first place but, whatever the reason, it had nothing to with why we divorced."

I patiently waited while he screwed up the courage to continue.

"After the spark was long gone in our bed, I...I figured I could level with her...about those feelings I'd always had. I stupidly thought, maybe if I just laid my cards on the table and was honest with her, she might consent to me satisfying my still raging libido with a man...a man like you in my sweetest dreams...without her feeling cheated on, since it wouldn't be with some other woman...that we could still go on as...the platonic friends we seemed to have become."

"How did she react to that?" I asked with genuine concern.

He choked up.

"Not well, obviously. We parted as friends ultimately...and, in fact, on some level I still love her. That's why I pick up her tab. I mean, not because I hope to win her back...don't really want to go back there. But, because I still love her enough after my selfish gaffe to want her life to be easy while she...finds her way forward. Maybe she can still find herself a man who's not a...closeted bisexual."

"I hope you know, you never had to keep any of this secret from me."

He looked down at his feet again, "I've just felt so guilty over it and...I was afraid you wouldn't want me anymore if I told you."

"Oh, Ray...that would never have happened."

He continued staring at his feet, just shaking his big, silver-haired head.

"What kind of traits did you endow those men with?" I inquired with a smile, hoping to lighten the mood and possibly learn a little more about what interested him in me.

He kind of lit up.

"All the ones I saw in you the night you gave me hope that my life could change for the better...at Lena's...when you came over and started talking with me," he said, lifting his head and looking deeply into my eyes.

That warm feeling I always got in his presence suddenly washed over me.

"Tell me more about Chris?"

"Absolutely!" he said with a big, proud grin, "He's a great guy! The reason we were there, in fact...I was...coming out to him...after our big overnight...telling him about you."

That revelation nearly killed me in view of how I'd reacted to its appearance.

"I was so scared he would reject me, but he didn't," Ray continued, "In fact, I think the moment you've referred to was when he finally broke his silence and told me how happy he was for me. I was so relieved! I reached out and squeezed his arm and told him how much he was going to love you once you two met. You would have loved him, too, I think."

I thought back to seeing the word 'love' form on his lips and my heart immediately filled with self-loathing for the hatred that had consumed me in that moment.

"If nothing else comes of what we had, at least I'm finally free of that blasted closet - and all the shame that kept me there! I'll always thank you for that!"

For all my determination over the previous eight days to cut him out of my life, the reality of hearing him reference the bond we'd formed in past tense caused my eyes to edge with tears. Ray saw this and instinctively made another move to join me on the sofa to offer me comfort.

He caught himself and stopped. That time I motioned him on over.

He quickly accepted and took me under his right arm. It felt good and I rested my head on his shoulder. Panic suddenly gripped me that his touch was a comfort I might never know again and my tears finally began to flow.

"Oh, Ray!" I said, my breath catching like a toddler's who just skinned his knee, "I've been so stupid! Can you ever forgive me?"

He wrapped his other arm around me while I shook and I felt our tears merge as he touched his cheek to mine.

"There's nothing for me to forgive you for. I'm the one who hurt you...and I'm sorrier than you can possibly know!" he assured me.

"Am I too late for you to take me back?" I tentatively asked, filled with dread that I might have hurt him so badly his answer would be yes.

"You took the words right out of my mouth, Ken!" he said as he squeezed me to his manly bulk, "If I'm not too late then...will you please come back to me and...let's see where this leads?"

I was overjoyed!

"I've missed you so much!" I emphatically confirmed, turning in his embrace to throw my right arm over his wonderful boulder of a belly, "I should never have doubted you and...I promise never to do it again!"

"I'm pretty sure I love you, Ken Lau," he told me, knocking me for a loop, "and I promise to do everything in my power never to give you another reason to. From here on, I'm an open book. I swear, no more secrets!"

He continued clutching me to his breast.

After a brief silence, he asked, "In all fairness to you, though, I guess the real question is...can you find true happiness with a man whose sexuality you know to be divided at its core?"

"That's the way nature made you, Ray...as surely as it made me for a man like you. Is it so divided that I would ever have to doubt your fidelity?"

"Absolutely not!" he assured me, "I know all I need or could ever want to know about the opposite sex at this stage of life. But, as you now know, my bisexuality has already shaken one person's faith in me beyond repair."

I didn't have to give it a second thought.

"Then, yes. I'd sure love that chance - to at least look for true happiness with you."

Ray slipped a finger under my chin and gently lifted my face to look me in the eye. He slowly pressed his lips to mine in a grateful kiss.

When it broke, I added, "I'm pretty sure I could never lose my physical desire for the likes of you. You'll never want for my attention in that regard...and...I give you my word that I'll never hold it against you if you can't get me pregnant."

I nestled into the security of his physical enormity and soon felt that beautiful belly begin to shake against me. It started as a quiet chuckle but, before long, his booming laughter was ringing out around us.

Suddenly, I realized how vitally important the sound of that was to me. I had no desire to interrupt it, even though he tightened me in his embrace until I almost couldn't breathe.

Once we'd collected ourselves, he took me out to dinner. Afterward, we went back to his house for more of the intimacy I'd craved ever since that first shower with Coach Baker - and finally found in him.

We didn't even bother with sex we were so glad simply to be naked in each other's arms again.

Later that summer, my parents came to visit. I finally came out to them and told them about Ray - coming clean with Mom about what had really happened with my phone to clear my conscience on that score.

Mom and Dad weren't surprised in the least by the news.

"Oh, honey! I was pretty sure you were gay that day you hopped in the car all love-struck over Coach Baker," Mom said with a knowing yet comforting laugh, "Your father and I know all too well that nature doesn't give us any choice in who we love, only in how much. When can we meet this Ray?"

I called him immediately and he arranged to take us out to dinner the next night. They all hit it off magnificently.

Mom shared her version of events with Ray of the day Coach Baker unwittingly confronted me with my true sexuality; not in those terms, of course. She had no way of knowing about that particular significance to the occasion.

But, she certainly went on at length about my excitement at him granting me the opportunity to work so so closely with him, and how smitten I remained with the man throughout high school. Ray's eyes twinkled through the entire tale.

The day I put them on the plane back to San Francisco, I drove straight to Ray's house for a heaping helping of his man-sized love. He went on and on about how nice they were and how much he adored them. I assured him they were equally impressed with him.

We ended up in bed, where he took me for a nice long ride atop his belly - joyfully fucking me into a stupor. As usual, the friction of his wonderfully warm and furry lower paunch against my cock while he writhed and bucked beneath me brought me off first. Withstanding my orgasm without succumbing to one of his own yet again, he proceeded to avail me of the full satisfaction to be had from that gloriously slow trigger of his!

Once he finally seeded me, I limply rolled off him to lie at his side and bask in the contentment I found in knowing his essence was inside me. A few minutes later, the giant rolled onto his side and pressed a hand to my chest while peering into my eyes.

"So, anything I should know about this...Coach Baker?" he pointedly asked, his sly grin betraying the sternness in his voice.

My face went beet red and I covered it with both hands as I burst out laughing. Much to his amusement, I related the tale Mom had shared from my perspective - including a detailed account of that first shower, complete with its full revelatory context. When I finished, he pressed his lips to mine and gave me a passionate kiss.

"That just might be the cutest story I've ever heard. I'll have to send that man a 'thank you' card for hopping in there with you - best thing that ever happened to me! I know now...without a doubt...I love you, Ken Lau."

"I'm pretty sure I loved you the moment I set eyes on you, Ray Potter."

In our twelve years together, thus far, I don't recall us ever having so much as a simple disagreement - much less hitting another snag the magnitude of the one that nearly led me to cheat myself of him. Even with the time apart we sometimes endure due to the touring companies I now hire on with as a professional dancer, we remain secure in our commitment to each other.

And, Ray was right. I do love his nephew, Chris - along with his ex, his sister-in-law and nieces, too. It wasn't long at all before they welcomed me into their lives as warmly as my parents welcomed Ray into theirs.