Junkmail

I take the boxes and the bag off of her and lead her through to the kitchen "You didn't have to come round if you couldn't you know, I would've understood" I offer as I empty the bag of various beers into the fridge and take two plates from the draining board and run a tea towel over them.

"I know," she starts as we settle onto the sofa together, I hand her a plate which she takes gratefully and I open the two boxes which are set on the coffee table in front "I didn't know what you liked so there's something with chicken and a cheese one. I know. But I wanted to see you again before I left." My heart jumps at those words, she isn't looking at me. And for a fleeting moment I'm grateful for that, for I know if she was she'd know just how much I love hearing those words come from her.

My brain is such an endorphin muddled mess that I bare no thought to the next sentence that comes out of my mouth "You can stay here."

Her head snaps round to face me, her eyes show a hint of amusement underneath the burning curiosity in them. I watch her eyebrows practically shoot up into her hairline and I have to bite my tongue to keep from laughing "That's quite a proposition Ms. James, is this something you make a habit of? Asking stray lesbians to spend the night? Or am I just a special exception to the rule?"

The laugh escapes my lips a little louder than expected, inwardly I'm burning to proposition her in anyway she'll let me. On the surface I'm trying so hard not to make a complete twat out of myself. "I'll leave you to work that one out for yourself, but, I'm serious Sophie. Just stay here the night, I'll crash on the sofa and you can have my bed."

She shakes her head at me and I find it difficult to mask the rejection which must be written clearly on my face "No, I'll take the sofa. You sure you don't mind?"

Do I mind? Is she kidding? I'm fucking elated "Of course not, and since you no longer have to drive, that means we," I pause and stand from the sofa "Can get drunk! Beer, wine or dealers choice?"

I relish the laugh that comes out of her mouth, the sound fills the room and I can't help but to smile at the noise. She stands and steps close to me, almost too close, this abruptly wipes the smile from my face. Our eyes meet, and for a second I think she's going to kiss me. Her fingers move up and push back a wayward piece of hair behind my ear and I turn to mush. "You, my Scottish friend, are going to be trouble. I can tell."

I want to ignore the way her touch makes my heart sing a little bit, ignore the way I turn to butter when she looks at me. But I can't, it's almost too big. Too overwhelming, that urge is there again, the need to just reach up and press my lips against hers. Just one time, I just want to experience it one time. I can almost feel her body lean inwards towards mine, her face inches closer at an agonisingly slow pace. As if on autopilot I tilt my head to the side and let my eyelids droop half closed, I'm willing this to happen now. And she needs to hurry her arse up with it!

I can almost taste her, her fingers cup my cheek gently and I can almost feel her lips on mine they're that close. Her breath is warm against my overheated skin, goose bumps prickle my flesh. My entire body is anticipating her kiss, I can hear a pounding sound fill the room and I pause for a moment to wonder whether that's her heart beating so loudly or if it's mine.

As quick as it started, it ends just as instantaneously, Sophie's phone begins ringing obnoxiously causing us to spring apart guiltily. I rub the back of my neck as I watch her take her phone out of her back pocket and grimace slightly. She clears her throat and looks at me almost apologetically "It's Becca... I should probably get this..."

Sophie - June 5^th

"Hey, baby. What time are you going to be home?" Shit, my head is still reeling from the almost kiss with Ella. I'd completely forgotten I'd told Becca that I would be home tonight "Because, I've missed you sweetie."

Shit, could I feel even worse? I should leave now, hit the road and be home in a few hours. I should go home to my girlfriend and pretend the last two days have never happened "I'm going to be leaving in about an hour or so. Just having a bite to eat and then I'll head off. I've missed you too darling."

I listen to Becca complain about the people she works with, and respond where I was expected too. But my mind is elsewhere, I almost kissed Ella. She almost kissed me, I don't know if I'm more annoyed that it didn't happen or that I let myself get lost in her. But when she was looking at me with those big, brown eyes that were screaming at me to kiss her, I'm only human after all. "Listen sweetheart," I say, effectively cutting Becca off midsentence "The sooner I get going, the quicker I'll be home. So I'm gonna have to dash. I'll call you from the road or if anything changes. OK?"

"Oh, sure thing. Drive safe. I love you."

I swallow tightly and squeeze my eyes shut, supressing the tears burning there "I love you too." I murmur before disconnecting the call. I'm standing on the street, leaning against the passenger door of my car, desperately craving a cigarette despite not having smoked since I was eighteen. I need to go, I shouldn't stay. If I do, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep my hands to myself.

I feel sick, nausea rolls in my stomach and my mouth begins salivating. It's all too much, wanting one thing with everything you have but knowing it's wrong to want it even if it feels so fucking natural to pursue it. My head's spinning, this inner turmoil I feel makes my chest tighten and it takes all I have to bend over and rest my hands on my knees and take several large gulps of fresh air. I want to calm the storm raging in my head before I go back inside and face the proverbial music.

"Sophie?" I don't need to look up to see where that melodic voice is coming from, even her presence is calming. I lift my head slightly to see her standing on the top of the steps leading up to the buildings front door "Are you ok?" I nod uncertainly. Not trusting my voice to betray how I'm truly feeling.

I force myself to stand up straight, feeling the cool, hard surface of the car door through my shirt. The realness of this, knowing that what I'm feeling behind me, I look around and spot a window box full of flowers in one of the windows above Ella's head and remind myself that I'm here. I'm alive. I'm OK. The flowers are real, the car behind me is real, the woman in front of me is real. And she's there, looking at me like I'm the last person on earth. I allow myself one more deep breath before I answer her "I'm fine, let's eat."

Dinner is awkward to say the least, neither of us know exactly what to say to the other. I want to reach out and take her hand, apologise for acting inappropriately and tell her that no matter how badly I want her. I can't let myself do that. "Ella..." I begin, picking at the crust of the pizza slice I've been nibbling at for the past ten minutes "About before, I shouldn't have... please don't think it's because I don't find you attractive. I do... it's just... you know. I shouldn't have tried to kiss you..." I'm prattling like a fanny, nothing I've said has made any sense. My eyes are firmly fixed on the floral patterns on the plate, not daring to look up and see Ella looking at me. I know that if I see that look in her eyes once again, this tiny shred of resolve I'm clinging on to will disappear.

"Soph, don't worry about it. It shouldn't of happened," she pauses and I risk a quick side glance at her. She's chewing her lip, fuck I'd love to feel that lip between my teeth. Stop it. I can't think like that "You're going home tonight aren't you?"

I nod and put my plate to the side, I fold my hands in my lap and pick at a nail, noting how I need to go in for a manicure when I get home. "I think it's probably for the best, don't you?"

"Yeah, you're probably right." My chest clenches at the way she says those four words, the hurt that's laced in that short sentence makes me ache in a way I didn't think possible. I'm fucking this up.

Turning my head up to her, I look at her face and drink in her features hungrily. This could be the last time I see her, and it kills me to think I'm the reason for her looking so pained. "I really am sorry, Ella." I whisper, reaching out one hand to touch the tops of her fingers with mine. Letting them linger there for just a moment before pulling them away and standing from the sofa. Ella stands with me and we walk silently to the front door of the building "Thank you for..." I pause and stand to face her, one hand buried deep in my pocket, the other clenching my car keys so tightly it's bordering painful. "Everything, it was great to meet you."

Ella toes the floor with her trainer clad food, her arms folded against her chest as though she's trying to protect herself from something. "Yeah, you too. Drive safe Sophie."

I want to say more, I really do. But the words fail me, so instead I dip my head and walk the short distance to my car, somehow fighting the urge to turn around and look at her again. I know if I do that, if I risk that final glance; I'll never leave.

In the safe confines of my car, I power the engine and steer it out of the street and away from Ella. I need to concentrate, I need to just focus on the drive home and push thoughts of what or who I'm leaving behind out of my mind. I turn the music up, letting the sounds of the 80's fill my car in an attempt to tune out my inner monologue.

At some point between leaving the city and the approach to the round about which is going to take me onto the motorway home, I begin to torture myself. I love Becca. I do. I don't know if I'm telling myself this because I feel like I need convincing or if it's because I genuinely mean it. Our sex life is... comfortable. It isn't lacking in frequency but we've definitely lost the spark we had in the first couple of years of our relationship. We don't get on as well as we used too, and the more time I spend with her, the more I realise that we have virtually nothing in common. I'm into the arts, literature, politics, current affairs. She's into the latest Love Island scandal or which celebrity is currently banging who. It's tedious, she's fickle and materialistic and there are times when I really don't like her.

This then leads me on to thinking about Ella, the woman I've "known" for three months. The woman I didn't meet until yesterday, but my God, she made my world stop. Before yesterday the faceless nature of our relationship helped me keep any attraction I had buried. But she's smart, and we have a lot in common. Similar jobs, interests, shit we've even read the same books. And then I meet her, and she's this beautiful, funny and beguiling woman. I can't bury this feeling, the further away I drive, the hotter it burns.

By the time I reach the roundabout and I begin slowing to make my turn, it reaches the point of painful. The car comes to a slow stop and I hesitate for just one moment, knowing I have a choice to make, go home to Becca. Like I should do, or turn around and give in to what I'm feeling with the potential to regret it tomorrow and destroy the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.

My phone chiming with an incoming message makes my mind up, flicking the indicator on I pull off and do a rather precarious, speedy U-turn and head back in the direction I've just come from. Back to Ella.

Ella -- June 5^th

19:54 [EJ] -- I know you're going to be driving, but I need you to read this when you get back to London and know just how sorry I am. You didn't have to leave, you could've still stayed. It's crazy but I miss you already. Call me when you get in, or text, whatever's easiest. X

I know that seeing this message stay on delivered is going to drive me mad tonight, I should get drunk. Maybe alcohol will numb this emptiness I'm feeling in her absence, but when I open the fridge to polish off the wine I started earlier on, it's intensified when I see the beers she brought over earlier on. Those eight bottles are like a fresh slap in the face, a reminder of what could've happened had we both not been so bloody stupid.

I can still smell her, her perfume lingers in the living room as I sit nursing a glass of wine and feeling quite sorry for myself. I should have told her to stay, I should have said something more. I could make her happy, we could be happy together. She isn't happy at the moment. But, she did the right thing. I think.

My phone ringing brings me out of this spiral of self-loathing I'm free falling into at a rapid pace, my mouth goes dry when I see who it is. "Sophie..." I breathe into the handset as I hold it up against my ear.

"So, I'm sitting in my car and I'm torturing myself about everything. About how you make me feel, about how I should go home to Becca because it's the right thing to do. I start thinking about how bad things are getting at home, about how the more time I spend with my girlfriend the less I actually like her." There's a pause and I imagine her taking a breath and running her hand through her hair, "She's controlling, and overbearing and I have been feeling so suffocated for so long." Another pause, I'm desperate to say something, anything. But I'm muted and glued to the spot "But then you came along and you've been a breath of fresh air to me, I think about how amazing you are, and how clever and funny. I tell myself to go home, will myself almost. But regardless, I still find myself turning the damn car around and driving back here. I'm outside, but I need you to do the right thing and tell me to go away. Because if you let me in, if I come inside. I won't leave until tomorrow. And I won't stop myself from kissing you."

I don't answer her, her coming back throws all rationality out of the window. I walk as quick as my legs will carry me to the front door and pull it open with such force I'm afraid I'm going to take it off the hinges. "Ella will you..." she trails off through the phone, her pacing up and down the pavement stops when she sees me and she hangs up the call. Neither of us say anything, we just stand looking at each other. I turn on my heel and walk back inside, leaving the door to the outside open. My stomach is in knots, I don't know if she's going to take that as me asking her to come in, or if she's going to take one look at that open door and freak out again. All I know is that I don't think I could take another rejection from her.

The door closing calms the nausea but does nothing to calm the rapid beating of my heart, I can hear the blood rushing through my ears as I pre-empt her arrival into my front room. I fidget with my hands as I pace the length of the room, back and forth, to and from, I've walked so much I'm almost certain I've worn the carpet beneath my feet threadbare.

The door to the living room opens tentatively and like a dream, she's there. Her cheeks tinged pink, her eyes wide and blue as she stands watching me. I stop my pacing and ignore the desire I feel to jump straight into her arms, instead I pick up my glass of wine and drain it quickly. "You came back?" I ask, as I put the now empty glass on the mantelpiece.

She nods slowly and takes a small step towards me "I came back," she murmurs, almost too quietly to hear. Fuck it, I throw caution to the wind and close the distance between us. I don't want to be separated from her for another moment longer than I have to be, my hands go straight to her face and I pull her lips to mine. There's no hesitation this time, no slow build, just an eager meeting of lips.

I hear the moan escape her mouth when my lips crash against hers, her fingers tangle in my hair and she walks me back until I'm flush against a wall. Her hips jut forward, meeting mine, forcing her body to melt into the contours of my own. Her mouth tastes exquisite as it moves feverishly against my own, her tongue teases my bottom lip and I welcome it into my mouth eagerly. The sensation of it as it runs along the length of mine, the way it runs along my teeth and the roof of my mouth, claiming the territory as hers makes me gasp loudly.

I drop my hands from her face and with trembling fingers begin trying to work on the buttons of her shirt, between my shaking hands and the fact that they're so fucking small I struggle to get them undone. Sophie pulls away from me slightly, and kisses the length of my jaw "Do you need some help with that?" Her breath tickles my neck as her words are spoken against my neck.

I sigh when I feel that perfect tongue lick up the column of my throat and nod "That would be great..." I husk out whilst she continues to make my entire body come alive with the simplest touches, somewhere between her mouth on my neck, my hands roaming the contours of her back and my teeth nipping at her ear lobe, her shirt comes off.

I can't see her semi-naked torso, but I can feel it. And it is good. My hands travel the length of her stomach, revelling the feel of her firm muscles tense beneath my fingertips. Her sharp intake of breath forces a grin to spread across my mouth when I trail my fingers along the length of her hips and up her sides. This woman is perfect, curvy and soft, just how I love my women to be. But firm and strong, a complete contrast of itself, but so fucking sexy.

I pull my top off, impatient to feel her skin against my own and grasp her hips and hold her to me firmly. The feel of her body against mine is a revelation, our mouths meet again fast and hard. I've never wanted anything like I do this, my entire body yearns for this woman's touch and I want more. I need more.

I gradually push her away and break my lips away from hers, she looks down at me, chest heaving as she attempts to steady her breathing. Her eyes burn with lust and every one of the muscles below my waist clench deliciously "Did I do something?" She asks, her voice breathless and low. Fuck, could she get any sexier?

I shake my head and take her hand to guide her out of the living room "No, but if we're doing this we may as well be comfortable." I lead her slowly down the hall to my bedroom, quietly thankful that I had a tidy round earlier on. I try not to dwell on the secret thoughts I had about hoping this would happen and concentrate on pushing this woman down on my bed and crawling up the bed so I'm hovering above her. My hair falls around my face is chestnut tresses, Sophie laughs when they tickle her cheek before reaching and pushing the loose strands behind my ears.

"You are so beautiful," she whispers, her eyes searching my face as I lean down and kiss the corner of her mouth, her cheeks and her jawline. Running my nose along her skin, inhaling its sweet scent as I work my way to her ear. My teeth close around it and I tug on it gently, I feel her shiver beneath me and shift my weight slightly. Moving so I have a thigh pressed against her denim clad sex, I push it up and she gasps. I smile against the soft skin on her neck and do it again harder. I know two things in that moment, I cannot wait to see this woman come, and these jeans need to come off. Now.

I hastily unfasten the buttons and tug the denim past her hips and down her thighs, drinking in the sight of every inch of her as it becomes uncovered. She has long, smooth legs, firm thighs and the sexiest pair of lace black underwear on I think I've ever seen. I dump the offending trousers on the floor next to the bed and dip my head to kiss the length of her taut stomach, skimming my mouth up and over the curve of her bra covered breasts. I can feel her heartbeat speed up beneath my lips, I let my tongue taste her sternum before I snake a hand underneath her and pop the clasp on her bra and flash her a cocky grin.