Lisa Ch. 09a

"No. Scott, wait." Jessica said stepping into his arms before he could get out of the kitchen. "You're not a monster. I'm sorry, I'm just taken by surprise. Are you still mad at Angus? I thought we were done with all of that."

"I thought so too." Scott said. "I guess everything that's happened has kind of brought it back up again."

"You're going to talk to him about this right?" Jessica said.

Scott nodded, "When he wakes up."

Jim and Josh had come in and caught the end of the conversation.

"Is that why you let him lie about the medicine?" Jessica asked looking at Riley, Scott, Josh and Jim. "To let him suffer?"

Jim shrugged when Jessica looked at him. "It was what he wanted, it was what seemed fair. A win-win really."

"Okay." Jessica said completely sideswiped by the realization that the men felt that way. "Well, he's done his suffering. He's paid his dues by my book. But if he hasn't by yours then you'd better be talking to him about it when he wakes up. That's a resentment."

"What about you Jess?" Josh asked, "Do you resent us for feeling this way?"

Jessica exhaled, took Scott's hand and dragged him with her over to Josh so she could hug both of them. "No, I don't. But I do resent that you decided to 'omit' the truth from me. Don't ever do that again. Okay?"

The men nodded. "Sorry Jess." They each said. There was a solemn atmosphere in the room that Jessica desperately wanted to get rid of.

"I was wondering if we could have a bonfire tonight?" Jessica asked. "I've been telling the boys about them. They're really excited."

"Sure, sounds like a good idea." Caleb said.

"What does?" Sean asked when he, Rick, Chris, Don, Quinn, Mark, Corey and the boys came in.

"A bonfire." Jessica said. The boys cheered with excitement.

"Okay but for a bonfire we need a lot of wood. You boys get back outside and gather as much wood as you can find." Jessica said. The boys ran out the door.

"Um, have you heard anything from Beth?" Jessica asked looking at her men.

"No." Jim said. "I can't get a hold of her."

"I'm worried." Jessica said pulling Scott and Josh to the sofa with her and curling up to them once they were all seated. "Quinn and I went back to the house where we last saw her. No one's there. No one at the bar has heard from her in forever."

"Do you want me to check with some of Paul's folks. See if Paul's done anything with her?" Rick asked.

"Could you? Please?"

"I'll call them now." Rick said and headed outside while punching numbers into his cell phone.

Suddenly Sean snapped his fingers and pointed at Jessica and said, "Fly a plane."

"Excellent." Jessica said going to find her calculus book.

"Huh?" Riley asked when Jessica came back with her book and pen and looked really excited as she flipped through the pages.

"That's my bucket list item." Sean said, "I want to learn to fly a plane."

"I haven't had a chance to ask you yet." She said looking at Riley, Scott, Jim and Josh. "What do you want to do before you die... something fun."

"Die?" Scott asked.

"Old age death, like when you're a hundred or something." Quinn said, "Not violent, unexpected and early death. We clarified that last night."

"Something you'd regret not doing before you die." Caleb added.

"Running with the bulls." Corey suddenly said.

"What? Isn't that in Spain?" Leah asked.

"Yeah, kind of like Paris is in France." Corey said and laughed when Leah stuck her tongue out at him.

"Isn't it also kind of dangerous?" Sara asked.

"And living in a clan isn't?" Corey countered.

"So?" Jessica prompted looking at Riley, Scott , Josh and Jim expectantly.

"I don't know." Jim said. Riley, Scott and Josh shook their heads.

"Think about it, everyone has something." Jessica said.

"Hey, did you show them your song?" Sean asked.

"Oh no, not yet. Here." Jessica said passing her book to Jim. He leaned forward so Riley could read it with him.

"That's... wow." Riley said, handing the book to Scott so he and Josh could read it.

"Could you write the music to go with it?" Jessica asked Jim.

Jim nodded. "Do you see it as a slow song?"

"A mix." Jessica said. "I think it should be different, sort of like we are. Oh. Yeah. Corey." Jessica said eyeing Leah. Sure that she wasn't paying attention Jessica motioned Corey to follow her to the laptop.

"I know this isn't actually really Paris." Jessica said sitting on the chair at the laptop. Corey leaned over her, an arm on either side of her, head down by hers, looking at the screen. "But it's close enough for now."

Riley walked over to look at what they were doing.

"What is that?" Riley asked.

"Shhh." Jessica said looking over at Leah in a panic. But Leah was oblivious so she motioned Riley, and Scott, Jim and Josh closer. "It's a theme resort. Inside it's a mini replica of France. You should take Leah." Jessica said to Corey, looking up at him as he looked down over top of her.

"We should all go." Corey said, "I don't think Leah would go to Paris without you."

Jessica considered that. "The boys would love it too."

"Then it's a date. They're not in their full season for a couple of months so I'll make reservations for then."

"Dinner's ready." Abe called. Don called the boys in and soon there was laughter and chatter all through the house as everyone ate.

"Jess, you're not eating." Josh said when Jessica sat for about ten minutes pushing the food around her plate with her fork.

"I'm not really hungry. Do you mind if I check on Angus?"

"Go ahead but come back for the rest of your food." Josh said.

Fifteen minutes later Jessica hadn't returned. Josh went to check on her.

"She fell to sleep with Angus." Josh said returning.

"Let her sleep." Jim said.

"But the bonfire!" Reese exclaimed.

"We'll still have it." Scott replied.

"But Jessie has to come." Chad said.

"Not a problem guys." Abe said, " I have to give Angus his next injection in an hour. Let her sleep for an hour and then we'll get her up for the bonfire."

Crisis averted the boys finished their food and went outside to play.

Hours later, well after the bonfire and the singing and the hot chocolate and marshmallows, everyone was in bed. Angus lay snoring on one side of Jessica, the other men arranged themselves around her.

"Angus will be awake tomorrow." Jim said his fingers caressing the top of Jessica's head.

"Mhmm." Jessica acknowledged after a pausing a moment.

"Are you nervous?" Josh asked. "You seem nervous."

"A little." Jessica said, "I think he's going to be mad at me."

"Abe said he may be cranky and moody after the anesthetic." Josh said, "That's Angus on a good day. But I think he'll understand why you did it."

"Look at it this way." Scott said, "once he's awake we can go to that drive-in and the fair like you wanted."

"That's true." Jessica said, excitement in her voice. "I can't believe that none of you have been to a drive in. And the fair... I mean, I knew you hadn't, but Sean, the others, the boys... you're all going to have a blast."

"Yeah, well, I wish he was awake right now." Riley said. "There are things I want to do to you right now Jess, but I don't think it'd be fair for Angus... missing out on it."

Jessica groaned. "It's going to be a long night."

"Fuck yes. But Jess, if you get up later take us with you okay?" Jim asked.

Jessica nodded.

"We better get to sleep before I decide to stop being fair to Angus." Riley said.

"Good night." Jessica said and soon they were asleep.

Jessica bolted up, clamping her hand over her mouth to stifle a piercing scream.

"It's okay Jess, shhh, you're okay." Scott soothed, pulling her into his arms. She sobbed against his chest very aware of Riley, Jim and Josh sitting up around her.

"I'm sorry." Jessica whispered when Riley squeezed her knee, Jim her ankle and Josh her hand. Thankfully the sedatives kept Angus completely oblivious to what was happening around him.

"Don't be baby." Scott whispered in her ear before standing and scooping her into his arms. He carried her into the living room followed by Riley, Jim and Josh. Settling on the sofa, Jessica on his lap, nestled into his chest, Scott wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I don't think I'll ever get their screaming out of my head." Jessica said between sniffles, "Angus and Mark... It must have been even worse watching those videos Earl made. Seeing and hearing all those kids... I'm so sorry I asked you to."

"I won't pretend it was easy." Jim said rubbing Jessica's back, sitting next to her and Scott on the sofa, "But it was necessary and to help the boys I would do it again."

"Sometimes I wake up at night, shaking." Scott said, "But it's not because of the videos or what happened to Angus and Mark. There was a time when you were the one screaming. When Angus would hurt you. Jess, I wanted Angus to suffer a little for what he did to you, I admit that. But the truth is we were no better. Standing by, letting it happen. Nothing haunts me more than that."

Jessica pushed off of Scott's chest and sat looking at him.

"And I'd given the orders." Riley added, sitting next to Jessica and Scott on their other side. He took Jessica's hand in hers and gave a gentle tug, "I masterminded the whole thing. Honestly it should have been me in Angus' place. No, Jess, please don't say anything." He added when Jessica clutched his hand and seemed to be struggling for words. "We're not telling you this to make you feel bad... just to say that you shouldn't let Angus' screams torture you. They really were justice coming around and someday the rest of us will find a way to atone for what we've done."

"No, please..." Jessica said in a panic.

"Jess... don't worry." Josh interrupted. He'd pulled the armchair closer to the sofa and leaned forward in it now, grasping her knee, "It won't be like Angus made up for it, we promise. We're not going to do anything that will hurt you. Every moment of every day of our lives will be spent making things right with you and somehow we'll find a way to make right what we did to you and your family. You'll be proud of us baby, I promise you."

"Please don't." Jessica finally managed fear gripping her. Something about their expressions, their demeanour, their tone, terrified her. "Any suffering that any one of you do will hurt me... it will. I don't want you to..."

"We know Jess. Don't worry we won't suffer. We'll never hurt you again." Jim said and Jessica leaned back into him. "Like Josh said, you'll be proud of us. Just think of this as our bucket list items."

"Jess look at me." Riley said when it was evident that Jessica was upset. Worried, scared and completely freaked out. He took her head in his hands and held her still, staring into her eyes. "It's late and we're all tired. Things seem a thousand times worse than they really are right now. We love you, we will never hurt you, even to try and make things up to you. I promise you that. The only point of this conversation was to try and make what happened to Angus seem less bad but I think we fucked that up didn't we? Look, babe, why don't we make you some warm milk and just cuddle for a while?"

Jessica nodded, "But I want real bucket list items." She said looking over her shoulder at Jim and then around at the other men. She worked hard to smother the terror that still gripped her. She knew in her heart that Riley was downplaying things for her. They all were. The expressions of devotion that the men wore ever since Daryl had somehow intensified and it haunted her to know that each of them would likely sacrifice like Angus had. Right then, at that moment, Jessica vowed to help them find a way to make things right another way. "Bucket list things should be fun and enriching. Making me proud of you doesn't count. And aside from the boys, who don't quite seem to get the concept, you are the only ones left without items on the list. But, um, if you really want to atone for what you did to me in the early years, I know exactly what to do. When we get away from Paul and the clan we have to help the police get them. The entire clan. They can't keep hurting people and I think if you help bring them in to the authorities it will be easier to get you a pardon."

"We could do that now." Josh said, more excited than Jessica had expected him or any of the other men to be. Looking around she was surprised to see that Riley, Scott and Jim were equally enthused.

"Do you think Angus, Sean, Corey and the others would be okay with that?" Jessica asked.

"Angus yes." Scott said, "We'd have to talk to the others."

"What are you thinking?" Riley asked, grasping her chin and gently pulling her bottom lip out of Jessica's mouth with his thumb. He tried to smile but it didn't quite work.

Jessica turned her face into the palm of his hand and kissed it. "I'm thinking that we have to be smart about this. If we spook Paul or anyone else in the clan they will disappear. Or they will come after us. We have to keep the boys safe... that's most important."

Riley nodded. The other men seemed deep in thought.

"The ideal thing," Riley finally said, "would be to wait for the big job Paul is going to ask us to do. I'm certain he'll have all of his people involved and most likely call in the other cells. That would be the perfect time for an FBI sweep."

Jessica nodded, "That makes sense."

"It could be a while, before he asks for our help." Jim said.

Jessica nodded.

"He could be hurting people in the meantime." Josh added.

"I know." Jessica said quietly. "But I don't see another way. Stopping just Paul isn't enough. There will be someone to replace him, and there are all the other clans. I hope no one else gets hurt. I really do. But I think in the long run we will help the most people by being patient and waiting for the right time."

"You're right, as usual." Scott said, squeezing her when she gave him a small smile.

"I wasn't so right with Stan." Jessica said.

"Stan didn't know what was good for him and he paid for it." Riley said. "Like we've always said, your instincts are different from ours Jess. And with the exception of your need to sacrifice yourself in the process, your instincts are good. Don't doubt yourself. Ever."

Jessica sat staring at Riley for a minute before she blinked back tears. Sliding off of Scott's lap onto Riley's she wrapped her arms around his neck, and buried her face in his chest. Surprised, Riley wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. "What's wrong babe?"

Jessica shook her head and mumbled "Thank you," into his chest.

"I'll get the milk." Scott said rubbing Jessica's back before heaving himself off the sofa and heading to the kitchen.

Fifteen minutes later the five of them sat on the sofa, each with a mug of warm milk in hand. Jessica on Jim's lap, leaning against him.

"I've never had warm milk before in my life." Scott said sipping from his cup. The other men agreed.

"That's because you prefer warm whiskey." Jessica said with a giggle, "But warm milk is much much better."

"We'll see little girl." Riley replied, "It sure as hell isn't helping dull my urge to jump you. Damn Angus."

Jessica giggled again, "It usually goes along with a bedtime story... I used to fall to sleep before my mom or dad was anywhere near finished telling it."

"What was your favorite?" Jim asked.

"I loved them all." Jessica said with a yawn.

"What about Jessica and the five bears?" Jim asked pulling her harder against him.

"Hmmm... sounds intriguing." Jessica said with another yawn.

"Oh it is." Jim said. Taking her empty coffee mug he passed it to Scott. "Close your eyes baby... once upon a time there was an incredibly sexy young woman named Jessica."

"Mmm, and there were five incredibly sexy bears?" Jessica murmured as she began to drift off.

"Get me a pillow and blanket." Jim said quietly, "I'll sleep out here with her."

"You think the others will go along with turning the clan in to the cops?" Jim asked the men as he settled onto the sofa with Jessica.

"I think so." Riley said, "It sure as hell beats looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives."

"Did you ever in your life imagine that one day we'd be willing to turn the clan in?" Scott asked.

The men shook their heads.

"But I never in my life imagined anyone like Jessica." Josh added.

The men agreed before heading to bed.

The next day was busy for Jessica. It started by taking the older boys to the store for new shoes, dropping them at home, taking Sara, Justine and Amanda to meet Stephen and Lilly and making plans for the upcoming fashion show. Then dropping them off at home, Jessica went with Scott, Riley, and a few of the boys to drop the dogs off at their new homes. They'd managed to get rid of all of them. Jessica couldn't help crying when she said goodbye to Baby and Max. Max, the boy, kept reminding her that she still had him so eventually she had to smile. And she was happy with the families they'd found. They were all nice people with lots of space and patience for the dogs.

After dropping Riley, Scott and the boys off, she went to visit Elsie. Mark had decided that it wasn't worth going with her. Elsie was permanently ruined on men. But she was clean, fed, and seemed happy to see Jessica. It was late afternoon when Jessica finally came home. She had to laugh as she walked to the house. The boys were outside running around pretending to shoot one another. Even after all the violence they'd had in their lives, they still found it entertaining to pretend to kill each other. Shaking her head she decided that they needed a more positive way to burn off energy. She decided to talk to Rick and Abe about helping her work with the boys on gymnastics and acrobatics.

Jessica walked in the house, still shaking her head about the boys when she looked up and stopped. All the adults were in the living room, and in the center of them all, on the sofa, Angus slouched. Scott and Jim sat on either side of him, Riley, Josh and everyone else on chairs around the sofa. The room was silent, everyone looked tense. Jessica's heart thudded. What if Angus couldn't forgive her?

Angus sat up and looked at her.

Jessica hesitated. She couldn't tell if Angus was mad or not, but she wished she'd prepped herself before coming in. She had completely forgot that he'd be awake and likely upset with her.

"How's Elsie?" Angus asked.

"She's okay." Jessica said and was relieved to see that Angus looked better. A lot better. "How are you?" she asked going to stand in front of him, running her hand through his hair before sliding onto his lap.

"Better now that you're here." Angus said burying his lips in her hair, as he pulled her against him. "It appears that you're the only one here who didn't want me to suffer." He mumbled into her hair. Jessica tried to move back so she could see Angus' face but he wouldn't let her.

"I'm sorry Angus but I couldn't let you do it. I couldn't tell you this earlier because I don't think you would have believed me. But I forgive you. You, and Riley, Scott, Josh and Jim. There's nothing to feel guilty about anymore, no bad feelings, nothing. Angus?" she asked when he went stock still. He held her in place so she couldn't look around either. In her direct line of sight she could see Justine and Mark and they were watching her, but no one said anything.

"You said you'd never be able to forgive us." Angus said.

"I know, and I was wrong. I love you. More than anything. I love you and Riley, Scott, Jim and Josh of course, but I also love the family you've given me. I have a whole new life now Angus. A life I love."

Angus loosened his grip and Jessica sat up. "How are you feeling?" she asked cupping his cheek with her hand.

"Like a million dollars." Angus said kissing the inside of her hand.