Lost in the Snow

At home I immediately canceled all wedding reservations. The room, the caterer, the DJ, everything. And I sent wedding cancelation cards to all invited people. "Due to unforeseen circumstances we are sorry to say that we have to cancel our wedding." Neutral wording. I could have used a far worse phrasing, but I didn't feel the need to make these things public knowledge.

Afterwards I phoned the owner of the San Francisco company and I explained my situation very honestly.

"Come over here, Alex. We'll find an accommodation for you. And you can have the job anyway. Actually, I'm quite glad your ex was that stupid." He even chuckled a little.

I had to agree inwardly. I couldn't share his humorous view on the situation, at least not yet. But in some way I was glad too. If she had cheated on me six months later, things would have been far worse. I was glad she showed her true self early enough. It still hurt, of course. The fact that I lost the woman I loved hurt as much as the circumstances.

I quit my job, packed my stuff into my car and left our joint apartment. On a sudden impulse I had even pissed in her underwear drawer, but didn't really feel all that great afterwards. Damn, that was childish. But it was at least some token to show her how I felt about her. The drive to San Francisco would take four or five days and I was actually looking forward to it. To the loneliness, the silence and the chance to calm down and contemplate my life.

xx

After two days of pensive, angry, self-accusative and hurtful traveling, my phone rang.

"This is Alex."

"Alex, honey. Rachel here. We have a mobile net again, thank God. Even the roads will be cleared soon."

I didn't respond, being too stunned. All the hurt came rushing back. Why had I even picked up the call? I had nothing to tell her. Damn, I should have checked the caller ID first. I couldn't believe how calm she seemed to be.

"Alex, you're still there?"

"Yes."

"How are you?"

"Not so well."

"Me neither. Alex, honey, have you canceled the wedding? My parents have called me."

"Yeah, sure. What did you expect? That I marry you? Seriously?"

"Alex. Please. I know you're hurt, but please don't blow this out of proportion. This was just to show you how much it hurts to share your spouse. I'm sorry if it got out of hand, but I was so hurt and angry about all of this Julie stuff. I'm really sorry, I guess I wasn't thinking straight. It was a terrible mistake but I'm yours only, nothing has to change. From now on I'm a one-man woman."

"Maybe, but that man isn't going to be me."

"What? Alex... come on. I know you're hurt, but it was really nothing. This guy was never important. I was so mad at you and so hurt. Okay, what I've done was totally out of proportion. Let me make it up to you, okay?"

"I don't care how you justify this or how you see this. All I needed to do was to make up my own mind. And that's what I did. The result is that we're through for good. Shall I send some photos to your parents and ask them for their opinion?"

"Alex, I hope that I can leave here soon. We need to talk. Could you please pick me up here?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to, you're not my responsibility any more. And I'm not even in the area anymore."

"Alex, where are you? Don't make this so hard for me please."

"Ah let's see. The sign says Kearney, Nebraska."

"You're kidding?"

"No. I'm heading for California. I'm starting a new life, without you."

"Alex!" She was sobbing now. "Don't leave me please. This meant nothing to us. I was just mad and things got out of hand, I'm really sorry."

"Maybe it meant nothing to you. For me it has been a total nightmare, the worst time of my life and the definite end of our relationship."

"Alex, please turn around. We can still fix this."

"No, I don't even want to fix this. You've tortured and publicly humiliated me for two days. This was no sudden slip, you had many hours to think about what you're doing. And you deliberately hurt me and openly cheated on me. Repeatedly. Publicly. Tried to cuckold me. To defeat me. I have no interest in you anymore. None at all. Have a good life."

And I hung up. That bitch. The phone rang again immediately. I put her number on the ignore list. Finally, I could resume my voyage in silence. Unfortunately, my new found calm was gone again. I pounded the steering wheel from time to time, unable to decide if I was angry or sad.

The silence didn't last long. About an hour later, the phone rang again.

"Alex speaking."

"Alex, this is Carl." Rachel's father.

"Hi Carl."

"Alex, what's going on? You've canceled the wedding?"

"Yes... No. It was Rachel who has canceled it by her behavior at our trip, actually."

"Alex, it can't be that bad, can it?"

"Let's see. She heavily flirted with another man in the restaurant. She ignored me when I tried to stop her form kissing him publicly. She publicly announced to go to his room with him and did it. She had sex with him for the whole night. She came to my room to announce that she was going to spend the complete weekend with him. The whole hotel knew about this. What do you think about that?"

"I can't really believe it. This has to be some kind of misunderstanding."

"You want to have photos of that misunderstanding? I have plenty. While they're kissing in the restaurant. While they cuddle romantically in his room. While they have sex in his room. They were not actually discreet about it, they had a lot of fun rubbing it into my face."

There was a brief moment of silence.

"I'm sorry. Alex, you're right. She's obviously not ready for marriage. I have to apologize on behalf of my daughter. I hope we can stay in contact."

"Sure, Carl. I've always liked Sue and you. It would have been great to have you as my in-laws."

"Yes, it's a shame. What are you going to do now?"

"I'm heading for San Francisco, I'm going to build a new life there."

"Good luck, Alex. You're a good man."

"Goodbye, Carl."

Shit, that call had hurt a little again. My whole future had crumbled within a few days. I imagined that Carl would have a serious talk with Rachel now, he was a no-bullshit man.

During the rest of my trip, several friends called me. I gave them no details, but I think most had at least a vague idea about why Rachel and I had split up. I had to promise to give them my new address as soon as I had it.

Finally, the calls abated and I could continue to begin my new life and to leave the old shit behind. Easier said than done; my thoughts returned to Rachel all the time, to the good times we've had. And to that awful weekend.

xx

After two months in San Francisco, on a Friday evening, my doorbell rang. I reluctantly opened the door, expecting Jehovah's witnesses, but it was much worse. Rachel was standing there, dressed to the nines, looking beautiful and nervous. I immediately slammed the door close again. Of course, she rang again but I turned off the doorbell. Damn, how did she find me? Where did I have to go? Bora Bora? And I realized that I wouldn't be able to avoid her if she really set her mind onto it.

Reluctantly, I opened the door. Better to get over with it straightaway. But she was gone. Good.

I woke up at nine in the morning. My damn doorbell again. I stumbled to the door in a drowsy state and opened it. Rachel again. Wordlessly I stepped aside and let her enter, being resigned to my fate. No need to delay the talk that was inevitable anyway. At least this charade would end today.

Still without a word I went to the kitchen and started a coffee while she watched me in silence. I silently handed her a cup and took one for myself. I wordlessly went to my living room, she just followed me and we both sat down. We drank our coffee, still without a word. She looked good. I could see she had really made an effort to look exactly the way I liked it. But it didn't make a difference, my feelings for this woman were gone and this insight relaxed me a lot. I could meet her without any unwanted feelings welling up in me, without being weak.

"Alex," she croaked. Ah, she could speak. More or less, it seemed to be hard for her. "I'm sorry."

I remained silent. Not to make this harder for her, but nothing needed to be said at the moment.

"I've totally misbehaved." I just nodded. "And I'm sorry that it took me so long to find you. Of course you can mention Julie whenever you want to. I'll just have to live with it. I was just so insecure. I thought you didn't really love me, that I was just a convenient replacement for Julie. You kept her pictures on the walls. You called me Julie when we made love. You have her picture in your wallet. You mentioned her constantly during the wedding preparations. Then you had this wonderful idea of taking me to this wellness hotel. I was over the moon, only to find out that this was just a re-enactment of your life with her. It was too much; it was more than I could bear. I just blew my gasket. I'm so sorry."

"Rachel, I know that I should have been more sensitive when I mentioned her. That wasn't very nice and I'm sorry. But that's no reason to humiliate me publicly and cheat on me blatantly."

"I know. Don't you think I haven't beaten myself for it time and again?"

We looked at each other in silence, unsure how to proceed.

"How have you found me anyway?"

"I think all of our friends have your address. But nobody wanted to rat you out. I had to trick somebody by borrowing his phone without his knowledge."

I was glad to hear that. I had good friends.

"I have quit our apartment and my job. I have rented an apartment only one block from here and I'm currently looking for a job."

I was surprised, but it didn't change a thing and I was certainly not going to reply. I wasn't pleased about the news, as it obviously meant that I would be stalked by her in the foreseeable future. It would make my life more complicated, but I felt strong enough to resist her.

"Alex, I know that I've behaved terribly at that hotel, I've hurt you deliberately and publicly. I've humiliated you. I've driven you away from me, you had no other choice than to leave me. At first, I just didn't know why I've done it. It's hard to understand because I loved you then and I still love you, only you. I didn't love Danny. He was physically attractive, but I didn't even like him very much.

"I've tried desperately to explain to my parents and myself why I've done it.

"At first I tried to convince me and them that it had started as a lesson to teach you how it felt to share your spouse with someone else and that this lesson had gone out of hand. But after a while I realized that this is not completely true. This wasn't just to teach you a lesson, I knew from the start that I'd hurt you.

"So what was the real reason? My dad told me that I probably was just plain jealous. Jealous of a dead woman. You always described Julie as nothing but absolutely perfect to me. She was obviously the most beautiful woman in the world to you and the general epitome of female perfection. You never mentioned a single argument. She was on a huge pedestal, I felt like I couldn't compete with that. I felt so intimidated by her presence that I even hesitated to accept when you proposed to me, even though it had been my greatest dream."

"Rachel, I'm sorry, really. Of course Julie had her flaws. Of course we had arguments. But I suppressed thinking about those aspects after her death, it felt inappropriate, like it would soil her memory. I'm sorry if I depicted her in such a way to you. Of course you could compete with her, I loved you just as much as I loved her."

"Oh, Alex..." she sobbed and was about to fling herself at me.

"Wait a moment. I said you could compete with her, and I was talking about the past. Right now you can't, because something has terribly soiled my image of you."

"Alex, just give me a chance to prove myself to you, to make it up somehow. Maybe I can just stay around you until you have come to trust me again. I'll be patient. You may even glorify Julie if you want to, I will learn to live with it."

"I don't know, it isn't that easy..."

"I'll spend my time getting you back in any way I can, however long it takes."

"Quite impressive speech, Rachel. I believe you."

"Thank you for even speaking with me again." She was obviously unsure what my neutral answer meant for her.

"No problem, I'm even surprised how calm I am about it today. Sorry for yesterday, that was impolite, I've been surprised."

"Don't worry. Alex. How are you feeling about me? I still love you, only you. I haven't been with a man since that fateful night. And I've had sex with him only once."

"I'm quite cool about it now, I think I'm mostly over you."

"You're not mad anymore?"

"No, but I also don't love you anymore."

She flinched, but recovered soon. "That's bad, but it won't stop me. It could be worse. You fell in love with me before, you might do it again. And I'm going to be nicer to you this time, a whole lot nicer."

"Rachel, I might be calm about you now, but I also don't know how I could ever trust you again. Sure, I have misbehaved in some way, but your reaction was totally out of proportion. I would always wait for the other shoe to drop. What will you do if I keep forgetting to take the trash out? Hire a killer? Shoot a gangbang video with you as the star? Re-gaining the trust in you is not even a goal for me right now."

"You can trust me, I won't ever be that dumb ever again. And if we ever get back together, we will have a contract. If you leave me for whatever reason, I will have nothing. No money, no access to our children. The same if I might leave you, you will get everything. But that won't ever happen, anyway."

"Children?" I had to laugh.

"Yes. In the unlikely case that we get back together, I want some. Here's the contract."

Surprised that she had already prepared something, I read it and immediately saw that it was extremely harsh. She would get nothing if we split up for whatever reason, not even custody or visiting rights for potential children. I assumed that this was not even legal.

"Has Carl written this?"

"Yes, it's that obvious?"

"He's really let you have it, I assume?"

"Yes, and mom too. And most of our friends. All of them seem to have at least a rough idea about what's happened, I don't know how."

"Not from me, I've only told Carl about it."

"I know. Keep the contract, it's already signed. You don't need to sign it, just put it into a safe."

"Okay, just to honor Carl's effort. But I wouldn't want to be with you because a contract binds you. And the main problem remains - I don't love you anymore. I don't trust you anymore, I'm not even sure that I like you anymore."

The last statement shocked her a little. "Not even like me? Well, I guess I understand. I've hurt you badly, even cruelly for no good reason. Alex, how about this - you show me San Francisco. I'm new here. This way you can road test me, just by spending some time with me. Let's just be friends."

Well, there it was. Did I want to avoid her? Would it look like running and hiding from her? That would be weak. No, I resolved to be able to have a cordial friendship with her. I had to admit that, regardless of what I'd said, I still liked her and that I didn't want to feel like a coward by continuing to run away from her. And I had no friends here at all, some company was more than welcome. It was a good thing to prove to me that I was over her, just spend time with her without falling in love again.

"I'm not that familiar with San Francisco either. But I think I can show you the few places I know."

"Thank you, Alex. But first, I'm going to make breakfast."

She went into the kitchen, humming and singing. She might be a little too confident, I thought. Not my problem. I didn't mind her presence any more, but I also couldn't see a chance of us getting together again as well. It just wasn't tempting, contract or not.

xx

For the weeks to come, she jumped at every opportunity to spend time with me. The ensuing scenes were almost comical. She generally wore quite revealing clothes and touched me whenever she thought she could get away with it.

One time, as we were in my kitchen, she wore a very, very loose fitting T-shirt and tried to bend forwards whenever possible. I could have had a clear, unobstructed view of her tits if I wanted to. But I had seen them time and again and for some reason I didn't even care to look. But if she wanted to play with me, I was game. Inwardly smiling, I looked virtually everywhere apart from her cleavage. Most of the time she followed my view, trying to put her boobs into my line of sight. Finally, I had to stop this before I burst out laughing and left the room under some pretense.

A few days later, again in my apartment, she tried another tactic. She decided on some hot pants as her seduction weapon du jour. I was just glad she didn't wear that thing in public, as it was cut like a Brazilian bikini bottom and I was constantly visually informed that her pussy lips threatened to leave the garment any time. The shoes that were the best match for this seemed to be cfm heels. And she spent most of that day looking for some stuff at ground level, bent forwards and away from me, keeping her legs straight.

"You seem to be looking for something, Rachel. May I help you somehow?"

"What? Ah... no, no, I'm fine. I just thought I might have lost my ear ring somewhere around here."

"I see." I was barely able to contain my laughter again.

The next day we were shopping and she was all over me. I think you could have counted the minutes her boobs were not touching any of my body parts on one hand. But of course, I pretended not to notice a thing.

For me, that was great fun. But I guess for Rachel, frustrating as hell. She was obviously burning for me, while I rebuffed her and her charms constantly. This was probably beginning to nag at her self-worth. I didn't want to torture her, but I was surely not going to sleep with her just to make her feel better. She had decided to win me back the cheap way and if it didn't work, that wasn't my problem. I felt sorry for her, but giving in would have been much worse. It would just have filled her with false hope. As a couple, we were finished. Wearing a loose T-shirt or short hot pants wasn't enough to change that. Of course, she wasn't happy about this, but she was smart enough not to complain and to endanger our fragile new-found companionship.

xx

Rachel and I were sitting in my living room a few weeks later. Her attacks had abated a bit by then.

"Alex, when do you plan to finally fuck me again?" she asked out of the blue.

"What?" Of course, I knew all along that that was what she wanted. But she sure surprised me by just bluntly asking me about it. She should have known the reasons well enough.

"You can have me; you certainly know that. Just for your relaxation, without any commitment. Just sex, not making love. I'm clean, I'm available and I'm on the pill."

"Ah, Rachel, I don't know."

She got up and dropped on her knees in front of me.

"Please. I'm ready to beg if I must."

I was totally unsure how to let her down gently. She surely was a beautiful woman. If she wasn't Rachel, I'd have fucked her in a heartbeat. But unfortunately she was Rachel. The same Rachel that had coldly told me "It's already decided. Try to have a nice time here."

While I was still deep in thought, she pulled off her sweater which I regarded as a rather unfair move. I was relieved to see that she wore a T-shirt underneath. Amazingly, it showed a big text. Just where her nice boobs bulged it out, it said "Alex' girl". I was still dumbfounded while she turned around, smiling, to show me the back. The same text, just as big.