Lost in the Snow

She used my dumbfounded state to shed her jeans. And I wasn't entirely surprised to find a similar text on the front of her panties. The back consisted of a tiny string only and had no room for any message.

"Wow."

"Nice, isn't it?"

"Yes." My responses were a little sluggish, my blood had mostly left my brain at the time.

"I've bought twenty of each and I plan to wear them all the time. Nobody but you will see the panties, of course. But I plan to show off the T-shirt proudly to everyone."

"Well, technically..."

"I know. It's not really true, but I want to declare my goal."

"Rachel, things between us might be a little more complicated than that."

"I know, I won't get away that easy. But I wanted to show you my commitment and I want to keep away competition. But I need your consent to wear this stuff in public."

"If I do that, I need to take you back."

"Yes." Her eyes lit up and I was sorry for her, but there was nothing I could do.

"It's not possible. Let's just be friends, okay?"

Her expression changed immediately and she looked at me through watery eyes, but tried to be strong.

"Okay, Alex. I'll do whatever you need. Sorry that I brought this up, I didn't want to apply pressure."

"I'm sorry too, Rachel. I'm surprised that I can spent time with you again in a relaxed way, but that's all I'm willing to do."

"I see." Wow, talk about one disappointed woman. Her face really fell upon hearing this. "Alex, I have time. I have no other plans for the rest of my life. I will keep working on winning you back."

I just sighed. I could think of no appropriate answer to this. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't need revenge, I didn't want to keep her from moving on by continuing to ride the relationship-wise dead horse named Alex. But I also didn't know how to stop her from dreaming on.

xx

And that's what how we lived for several months. Rachel definitely wanted more, but carefully avoided to apply any pressure. Her hopes were obviously high, but I was quite resolved to avoid any kind of real relationship with her. I even told her that, but it didn't seem to weaken her efforts.

Then my life took another unexpected turn. I came home late at night and was annoyed to find that the damn light didn't work again. I tried to feel my way through the nearly complete darkness when my foot bumped into something soft.

Cursing myself for not having thought of that earlier, I finally used my phone as a flashlight. There was a small woman, lying curled on the cold floor.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to kick you." Well, not overly smart, but what else could I say?

No reaction.

"Hello? HELLO?"

Still no reaction. Damn, what now? I could hardly leave her lying there on the cold concrete floor, could I? Lacking a better idea, I carried her and her small backpack into my apartment. I was amazed how very light she was. She was quite dirty and under her long, stringy blonde hair, I saw a pretty face.

She seemed to be healthy, but fast asleep. So I decided to carry her into the guest bedroom, covered her with blankets and went to bed myself. In hindsight, my reaction might have been a little weird, but I was dead tired at the time and in my foggy state of mind it somehow seemed to be the best solution.

xx

I awoke a bit confused because it was still dark. That was strange, I usually slept soundly until the damn alarm clock gave me my daily dose of heart attack. And it definitely wasn't the loathsome thing that woke me up. It felt more like - well - a mouth around my cock, to be brutally honest. And it felt - kind of good. Extremely good, actually. This clearly was an expert at work and I was quite receptive as I had a very nice and erotic dream just before. Before I even had the chance to bring things to an appropriate ending, I felt her mouth leaving my cock. My disappointment was short lived as I felt the mouth was replaced by something else. Warm and wet again, but it felt different, even better.

"Get off my cock, I don't even know you!" Yeah, that's what I should have said. "Hmmm, ohhh...," was what I really said.

I was horny and half asleep. So did I protest? No, not really. I should have, it was irresponsible and dangerous to have sex with a stranger. But you don't always do the right thing and in this specific situation I just kept my mouth shut. I kept it shut as the woman made strange squeaky sounds while she reached her climax. And I kept it shut until I reached my own climax. But protest was not what was leaving my mouth then, it sounded suspiciously like some gentle moaning.

As quick and surprising as it had begun, it ended. She just wordlessly disappeared into the guest bedroom in total darkness. I briefly wondered if she was human at all because she seemed to have some kind of night vision ability. Before I had the chance to think about it, I was fast asleep again. Maybe this was just some kind of weird dream after all.

xx

The next morning, I heard her in the shower, singing softly. She appeared nude shortly afterwards while I was busy fixing breakfast. She was extremely thin, too thin for my taste, but had a very pretty face and a nice smile.

The situation was a little tense for me, whereas she seemed quite relaxed while she was seriously depleting my food stocks, humming all along. We didn't talk much and surely not one word about the previous night. Finally, she just stood up, went to the guest bedroom, dressed and walked to the front door. My brain was trailing behind the current events by about half a mile.

"Thank you, you're a really nice guy," she just said and vanished from my life as quickly as she had appeared.

What the hell was that?

Had I become a little slow or were the events just a little quick?

I realized that I just had sex with a woman without even knowing her name, which was absolutely not my style. Was I turning into some kind of male slut? No, I still had the excuse of having been taken advantage of in an exhausted and sleepy state of mind.

I checked the guest bedroom and found that it looked very neat. But as I emptied the waste bin, I found a needle, which sent a chill down my back. Oh shit, I thought. I've just fucked a junkie. Unprotected. What have I done?

My spontaneous visit to a doctor brought the result that I had acquired no immediately detectable STD and was not pregnant. Some tests would take a while though. I vowed to switch on my brain prior to sexual activity in the future. Sure thing.

xx

Of course, Rachel kept on her full court press, but to her great frustration I still didn't want to be more than friends. I just couldn't envision myself being at her mercy again like I'd been in that damn hotel. Of course, she saw things differently, but she was fully aware who had fucked things up and who would be gone in a millisecond if she applied too much pressure. So she wisely kept her ideas about marriage, children, a dog and a picket fence on a rather subtle level. I think we both enjoyed the time we spent together, though. I still found her physically attractive, but the burning love I once felt seemed just a distant memory.

xx

A few months later we were in my apartment, just about to have dinner as the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," Rachel said and jumped up. This was always quite important for her. She always wanted to answer the door and the phone. It was her way to stake her claim, to state that she was still my woman. Well, I saw things differently but saw no need to clarify anything. I was aware that I used her in some way, keeping her around me, enjoying her friendship. She kept hoping for more and I never fully clarified that her quest was absolutely hopeless. She probably suspected it and was most likely suffering quite a bit, but her resolve never weakened. After so many months it still puzzled me, she was beautiful and could have a better relationship with any other man. Yet she stubbornly chose to win me back.

I snapped out of my thoughts, turned around and saw my mystery junkie standing in my door. She looked as thin as ever. With one exception - her belly looked unproportionally big.

Rachel looked a little surprised and although I had never mentioned the episode, she obviously had a pretty good idea about the implications of this woman's visit and condition.

"Please come in," she said calmly. "Please join us for dinner. My name is Rachel."

"Annie."

Without any more words, Annie joined us at the table and again she dug in heartily.

"I'm pregnant," she managed to get out while she was munching. Okay, we had guessed that much already. The interesting part was yet to come. "It's yours." She pointed with her fork at me. A piece of steak was still impaled on it. I studied its texture, just to avoid thinking about what was about to come next. "You're the only one I had sex without a rubber with." And she continued to attack her meal as if we had just discussed the weather. The whole situation was surreal.

"Really. The only one? Seems hard to believe." Shit, I was already in male defense mode and I hated myself for it.

"It's true nonetheless. But don't worry, I want to find a good solution for everybody. I like you and don't want to cause any problem. And you know what - I don't even know your name." She laughed now, she was really quite cute.

"Erm, I'm Alex."

"I'm Anna. It was a pleasure having sex with you." We all laughed now, even Rachel. Boy, was Annie cute in her own way.

"Alex, you had unprotected sex with her without even knowing her name?" Rachel said this quite lightheartedly and she amazed me by her calm and accepting behavior.

"Yes, it seems so." I was supposed to be a least a little ashamed now, was I? I didn't care though, it had just happened. "What now? Do you want an abortion?"

"No, it's not possible any more. I might have done it as long as it's been just a lump of cells. But Alex, I've already seen her, I've seen ultrasound pictures. Alex, we're talking about a person now, it's just impossible. I can't kill my child. She's my daughter."

I just nodded. I could understand that.

Rachel surprised me by being seemingly quite happy about the situation. "No problem, we'll adopt it."

"WHAT?" I said. This wasn't the first shock of the evening, but the first one to make me drop my fork in surprise. Somehow the speed of change in my household was too much for my poor brain to follow.

"Shut up, Alex, this is a woman thing. It should have been my baby anyway if I hadn't fucked things up."

"Hey..." I said. "I think I might have a say in this too."

But I was more or less ignored. Rachel had already decided to handle this. And to be honest, I was secretly thankful for this as I had no idea how handle the situation.

"You're a junkie, right?" How the hell did she know that?

"Yes."

"And a prostitute?"

"Yes, but only with condoms. I'm healthy and this way I know who the father is. I still don't know why I had unprotected sex with Alex. I think I was kind of overwhelmed by his helpfulness. Nobody had ever helped me like this before and I was so very thankful and I was still a little high anyway."

Always with condoms. That's why I'm still alive, I thought, beating myself inwardly for being so careless.

"Okay, then you won't be able to raise a child anyway."

"Hmm, I don't know..."

"But however this turns out, we can't have you taking drugs during the pregnancy. That might harm the child."

"Yeah, you're right. The problem is that I've been on the big H for quite a while, you can't just turn that off. I've tried time and again. I'm willing to stop but I might not be able to do it, even to protect my baby. I'm afraid... I don't know, really. I might not be strong enough. My life is totally fucked up." The happy mood was gone; Annie was on the verge of breaking down, Rachel looked concerned and I just felt swamped.

"So is mine. Anyway, keeping you away from the drugs will be Alex' job, he's the father after all. You will live here. He'll make sure you stay clean while you're pregnant and I will stay in the background while you get off the drugs. Afterwards I will adopt the child and you will be free to do whatever you want."

I was impressed by Rachel's willingness to adopt this child to solve my problem, to make amends and to get me back. But nonetheless, I was not overly thrilled to be dragged into a relationship with her this way.

Anna was as pensive as I was, but she was quicker to come to a conclusion than I was.

"You might be right about the drugs. I would never forgive myself if I harmed my baby. I harmed myself enough, she doesn't need to suffer."

"Okay, we have a deal?" Rachel offered her hand.

"Yeah." Anna accepted it and my fate seemed to be sealed. Of course, being a man, I immediately stepped up and - well I cleared the dishes. The girls were discussing how to proceed with their plan and with my life. And I was even glad for it as I had not enough brain power left at the moment to do heavy deciding.

xx

It turned out that Anna was ordered to sleep in the guest bedroom, while Rachel claimed her stake by staying in my apartment during the day as often as she could. I still wasn't sure how to handle Rachel's assumption that we'd end up as a couple again, but for the time being I kept my mouth shut. I had fucked things up with Annie and at the time I was just thankful that Rachel helped me out of it.

The next morning saw all of us moving Anna's stuff from her - well, how could you describe it - some kind of living accommodation - to my place. Anna's previous "apartment" was a place I would not, under no circumstances have parked my car in.

"Wow, your life was really shitty, was it?" I asked her.

"Was? That sounds like this is going to change. Yes, it was shitty. And it's about to become even worse."

"Hey, I'm not that bad."

"You ever heard of cold turkey?"

"You're not talking about the food, are you?"

"Funny." She was dead serious. "No, just read about it, okay? And then you better prepare your guest bedroom for it because I'm going to climb the walls soon. Expect a lot of puke. So yeah, my life was shitty and is going to be pure hell. I just hope my daughter will appreciate it one day."

"Our daughter."

"What? Really?" This tough girl suddenly seemed to have tears in her eyes.

"Our daughter, you're not alone with this. We have done this together, literally."

"Oh, Alex. Thank you." She jumped into my arms and hugged me fiercely, warily eyed by Rachel. "You have any vacation time left?"

"I can take unpaid vacation. How long?"

"Two weeks, I think. The first three days will be the worst."

"What can I expect?"

"Only good things. You will really get to know my lady-like side. I'll have the runs, will puke a lot, will sweat like a pig, I will shake like a leaf, I will yell at you, I will try to scratch your eyes out, I will try to escape. Most of all, I will hate you."

"Lovely."

And that was exactly what happened. Twice she almost escaped me while I was emptying her bedpan. I had numerous scratches and bruises. The room would have to be completely renovated. She yelled at me a lot and I was glad nobody called the cops. But we made it through the first three days. I was familiar with all of her bodily functions by then, none of the experiences being remotely erotic.

So there I was, sitting on the floor by her bed, exhausted, looking at the puke-smeared, shivering bundle of misery, curled up in a fetal position and asking myself what exactly I had enrolled myself in. While I was trying to clean her hair with a rag, I realized that this was no noble deed that would be remembered fondly by anyone. I certainly didn't feel like a knight in shining armor. I was just a dirty, overtired, swamped guy helping a shivering and sweaty anorexic little woman that I had thoughtlessly impregnated. At least I hardly noticed the smell of puke, sweat and shit any more. This whole procedure was embarrassing, disgusting and mostly just depressing. And I was so very tired. Her sleep cycle was extremely erratic and as a result, so was mine.

A few hours later she was on her feet again and was pacing the apartment restlessly. She gave the impression of a caged tiger.

"Okay, I'm through the worst now. I need some time on my own, now that I'm clean. I'm going to take a short walk. See you..."

I was still standing in front of the door.

"Alex, I'm okay now. Seriously. I just need to be on my own for a while."

"No way, Anna. Two weeks. Then you can leave here."

"ALEX! LET ME GO!" she suddenly screeched.

"No, Anna."

"Alex, please, I need it. Just something to soothe the pain." She had changed to pleading within a second.

"Anna, come on, let's get you something to eat, okay?"

"Okay," Her suddenly obedient tone actually did fool me. She tried to make a run towards the door just a few seconds later, but luckily didn't manage to open it. It wasn't even locked, but pulling would have been so much easier than pushing. I remembered to keep it locked afterwards. Even in her deranged state of mind, it seemed safer this way.

xx

A few days later, she looked a lot better. Her eyes were clear again and she seemed to have re-gained some self-control. She also wasn't sweating and trembling that much anymore. Although still being way too thin, she looked quite pretty again, now that her hair wasn't matted and her skin wasn't glistening any more. The disturbing thing was that she had developed a clinginess and emotional instability that I found a little exhausting. I didn't know if the pregnancy or the cold turkey were the reason, but she had suddenly started to touch, hug and kiss me all the time. At least when she wasn't crouched in a corner, sobbing or having a laughing fit. I wasn't completely able to avoid joining her on her emotional rollercoaster. When she was sad, it affected me, when she was silly, I usually joined her, when she was clingy, I sure enjoyed the proximity of this pretty woman. Well - and when she suddenly became horny - you guess what happened.

Suddenly we were in bed together, having sex again. It was surprisingly frantic, full of need and desire. I wasn't aware of my own desire for this small woman until now. But I really, really needed to have her. And I was sure she felt the same. My only explanation was that her withdrawal period and all of its puke and shit and shouting and screaming had glued us together somehow. I was still aware that I was just having unprotected sex with a prostitute again, despite my vows to never be that stupid again. But at least she couldn't get any more pregnant. And surprisingly - it never felt like being with a whore. She was quite shy, actually. And she even cried a little afterwards and clung to me like a burr. I didn't mind, not a bit.

We were sitting on the bed afterwards, I was feeling content and still a little surprised.

"Well, it seems you don't hate me that much anymore, right?"

"Don't be too sure, mister. That was still my bad side, wait until you see me when I'm nice. No, seriously, I think I'm really over my demons now and start to think clearly again. No, I don't hate you that much anymore. Never really did, actually. You've just tried to help me and our child and I'm thankful for that." She smiled coyly. She was quite charming and was somehow getting prettier all the time. If she continued doing this, I would have to fend off the guys with a stick. Wait, what? Why would I have to defend her? Did I really regard her as my woman somehow? I decided to tackle this problem with a proven tactic called procrastination.

xx

The following weeks showed a very relaxed Spencer household. Annie and I were amazingly familiar with each other. Being puked on and yelled at did seem to have some strong bonding effect. The fact that I finally got rid of the prison guard role helped a lot too. We got closer every day, laughed a lot and had a lot of sex. I even saw a few looks in my direction that might or might not have been longing. Yeah, to be honest, I started to look at her the same way.