Lost in the Snow

Of course, Rachel still visited us regularly and as she watched us like a hawk, the changes did not escape her.

"Alex, the two of you are not developing some kind of amorous relationship, are you?"

"I'm not sure, Rachel. We surely start to get closer."

She looked absolutely stricken. "Alex, don't do this to me. I feel like I'm so close to finally getting you back. Don't let me lose you to that junkie, okay?"

"Rachel, you know that..."

"Yes, yes, I know. I have no claim to stake. You can do whatever you want, but you surely know that I still have hopes. Alex, I will keep fighting for you. I won't give up, even if it takes decades."

I just sighed and dropped the issue because Annie had entered the room. I knew it was hard for Rachel, but I realized that I had come to regard Anna as my girl now and I was a definite one-woman man.

xx

Anna and I became even closer while I made sure she stayed away from the drugs, went to all kind of checks with her, bought tons of baby gear and did all the other stuff parents do to prepare for the arrival of a new member of the human race. We acted like a normal couple and at least for me that was exactly what we were.

After the birth of our daughter Mel everything became even clearer. Anna, Mel and I were a family, no doubt about it. All thoughts of giving Mel away for adoption seemed absurd by then, of course we were going to keep her. All of this didn't escape Rachel during her frequent visits.

"Alex, I've lost you for good, haven't I?"

"Yes, Rachel. What we had is dead."

"Alex, please," she started to sob. "This is not fair. I know that I've totally fucked things up at this damn weekend, but I've really done everything to make things right. That has to count for something?"

"I don't know if it's fair. You had me exclusively for yourself but you split us up for no good reason. That means we both were free for other relationships and that's exactly what happened. This is not a question of fairness and it wasn't intentional. There is no fixed price for you to pay for what you've done during that wellness weekend. You dropped a bomb between us and you never know in which direction such an explosion will blast us. I my case it led me to Annie."

"Alex..." She was openly bawling now. I went to her and hugged her.

"Rachel, you're still young and you're beautiful. Go, find the right man for you and don't do anything that stupid again, okay?"

"No... Alex... I'll... I'll wait for you."

"No! Don't."

"Nothing you can do about it."

I just sighed, she was right. If she decided to throw her life away it was a pity, but there was nothing I could do about it.

xx

And that's how it ended with Rachel. It was sad because I had loved her once and things could have been great with her. But I didn't anymore and they weren't any more. I was beginning to fall for Anna. No, to be honest, I was already fully in love with her. With her clumsy, innocent and charming way. With her pretty face, with her total devotion to me. She was practically worshipping the ground I walked on. The biggest difference to Rachel was - I really trusted Anna, which was weird. I trusted the ex-junkie and ex-prostitute but I couldn't get to do the same for my ex-wife that had gone crazy for one weekend only.

xx

The following years brought our small civil wedding, us raising Mel, a disappearing Rachel (luckily) and no recurring drug problem. Life with Anna wasn't always easy, of course. She still had some severe mood swings, but I knew her quite well by then and managed to cope with it. Being deeply and totally in love with each other helped, of course. Mel was just fantastic, she was the apple of my eye and had me twisted around her little finger.

xx

The end came shortly after Mel's second birthday. I had just tucked Mel into her bed while Anna was still in town for some shopping. Mel had totally worn me out again and I just slumped onto the sofa, looking forward to stare mindlessly into the tube.

Like it always is the case, the doorbell rang exactly at the same second my ass had touched the surface of the sofa. Reluctantly, I lifted it again.

I opened the door to find two police officers standing there.

"Good evening. How can I help you?"

"Good evening, Mr. Spencer. My name is Sergeant Jacobs. Are you married to one Anna Spencer?"

"Yes, what's up?" I was suddenly worried.

"Mr. Spencer, I'm sorry to tell you that we found your wife dead. Could you please accompany..."

The rest of what he was saying was lost to me. I just fell to the floor. I had kissed her goodbye only two hours before. This was the last time I or Mel had seen her alive? She would never come back? I would never hear her laughter again? Never kiss her again? Never hear her curse because she stubbed her toe again? Never have her clinging at my neck again? Never smell her again? Annie, where are you now? What has happened here? Why?

I was shaken by a police officer some undetermined time later.

"Mr. Spencer. Are you all right? Shall we call an ambulance?"

"What? No. No, no need..."

xx

It turned out that she had died from a massive overdose of heroin. I didn't have any clue she still had anything to do with the stuff. One of the cops told me that he knew her. In a rough, uncaring way he told me that she had worked as some kind of part-time prostitute. That he knew she was an experienced junkie, too experienced to make such a tremendous dosage error. That the load would have killed an elephant. That they were quite certain she had committed suicide.

I was shocked. I never had an idea. I realized that I hardly knew this woman at all. She had lead some kind of double life.

For several days I was totally destroyed, unable to work and hardly able to take care of my daughter Mel.

xx

A week after her death, I was sitting on my sofa again, mindlessly staring into the tube, crying from time to time, feeling sad and totally unable to cope with the situation, with the emotional aspects and with the practical ones. Mel was crying again, which was the norm currently. Having lost my beloved Annie hadn't just destroyed me, it also led to practical problems. My vacation time was running out quickly, I would have to return to work soon. How would I be able to take care of Mel, my daughter? I had no parents to rely on, no other relatives in the area.

A nanny? Could I hire someone? Could I trust someone? Somehow most of the people I had decided to trust had deceived me somehow. Yes, that was what Anna had done too, come to think about it. She surely had loved me, but in her own way she had deceived me all the time. Led a double life as a prostitute and junkie while I was at work or on business trips. Left me and our daughter alone for whatever reasons, without a single parting word or explanation. Dingdong.

Yes, that might be the right way to deal with my sadness, convert it into anger. No, man, that's cheap. She probably had her reasons. She certainly was just too weak and unable to fight her addiction. Dingdong. And either she was blackmailed or she just lost the hope to change her life. She must have been desperate to leave her daughter behind. No, I couldn't be angry at her. She was a nice person, she was just too weak for this world. Dingdong.

I realized that my doorbell had been ringing for quite some time. Damn. I'm supposed to do something about it, right?

Dingdong.

Mel was also crying. What could I do? I had just tried to feed her and had totally failed again at rocking her into sleep afterwards. I was just not able to do this alone. I felt overwhelmed with my new situation.

Dingdong.

Okay, what now? The door or Mel? I had no idea what to do about Mel anyway. The door, on the other hand, promised a clear course of action. Walk to it, open it, look who's standing there. I could do that.

So I did it.

And I immediately regretted it. No, please. No further complication in my life. It was hard enough as it was. Not Rachel, please.

"No..." was all I managed to croak.

"Boy, you look like shit. I'm so sorry, Alex. It must have been terrible."

She just hugged me for a while. Strangely, I felt nothing. Two years were a long time, sure. But this was the woman I had almost married. That had betrayed me in a most horrible way. Wasn't I supposed to bring up a little emotion upon seeing her for the first time in years? I felt bad and uncaring about it, but maybe I was just drained. She didn't seem to notice or to mind.

She finally let go and carried the large bags she had brought with her past me into Mel's room. Hey...

I closed the door and meekly followed her, too tired to do something about it. She took Mel out of her bed, rocked her for a while and sang a soft tune. Wow, I was impressed. Mel was beginning to calm down. After a while she seemed to be totally content, which amazed me. Rachel gently placed her back into her bed and covered her up. Then she just walked into the kitchen like she owned the place and started to unload her bags. She proceeded to prepare some food for Mel.

"How do you..."

"I've read all about it."

"What? When?"

"When I heard about Anna's death. I knew instantly you'd be in trouble, Alex." She was telling me this quite nonchalantly while she handled the task at hand. But she cast quick glances in my direction all the time, which told me that she was not quite as relaxed as she tried to appear.

"You still live in the area?"

"Sure, I never moved away. And to answer your questions, no, I'm not dating anyone. Yes, I've been watching you. No, I haven't been with a man since that damn weekend where I destroyed my life." Now she turned around to face me. "Yes, I still love you." She had tears in her eyes as she practically fled the room.

I followed her into Mel's room and watched her as she gently rocked and fed her. Hell, why didn't Mel cry anymore? Usually, when I tried to do something like that, the whole neighborhood needed hearing aids afterwards.

"What's your plan?"

"Alex, I will take care of you. I will always be there for you, always. I kept in the background to avoid disturbing your marriage. But now that you're in trouble, I have to step up."

Wow, quite a statement. This woman had clearly decided to devote her life to me, which was quite a humbling thought. Was it love? Or was she just feeling that guilty? Could anybody feel guilty enough to act like this without love? I mean, wait patiently for two years and step up immediately to help? These two years must have been pure hell for her, watching me with another woman.

"Take care? What do you mean?"

"I've quit my job."

"You what?"

"How else could I take care of you and Mel? You need a full time nanny. And so does Mel." Rachel smiled and I surprised myself by laughing. For the first time in ages, it seemed.

"You might be right."

"Have you eaten anything?"

"Oh. Since when?"

"Since her death?"

"Oh, I don't remember. I probably have."

"Okay, Mel is sated. I'll take care of you now."

"You what?"

"You just sit on your sofa, okay?"

"Okay."

And that's what I did. I came to realize that I was really thankful. Just having someone around to talk and to keep the loneliness and helplessness at bay was a great relief. I heard her rattle with some pots and pans and fix something to eat. After a while the reappeared.

"You're feeling better?"

"Yeah, less alone. And you're right, I need a nanny. Thank you. But what about your job?"

"Alex, I didn't really have a life for two years now. I didn't go out, I hardly bought anything, I just lived in my small apartment. The only thing I spent money for was the gym."

"You? At a gym?"

"Yes, I wanted to look... Well, I'll explain that later."

"Yeah, I see that now. You really look good."

"Thanks. Anyway, I saved a lot of money for an occasion like this. So right now I can survive for almost a year without having to work. I think we will have decided how to proceed until then."

"Oh." Yeah, that was my response. Talk about someone feeling like flotsam and not knowing what to do or say.

"Yes, oh. So I'll take care of you. In a year you will know what to do with your life. Maybe you will have found a new woman, maybe you will consider other options." She smiled a little. "Oh, I have to look after our dinner."

Dinner was delicious and I thanked her profusely again. Afterwards I just had the strong urge to fall into my bed and sleep for at least a week.

"Oh no, mister. You won't go to bed without a shower. And brush your teeth, okay?"

"Yes, mom." Which earned me a slight punch in the ribs. But I knew she was right, body hygiene hadn't really been high on my list recently.

As I came out of the shower, I found my bed freshly made. Anna had been the last one that had made it, I sadly realized. I snuggled under the blankets, supervised by a benevolently smiling Rachel, and thought about Anna. I couldn't get rid of the thought that our love might have been a complete illusion. Could you love a person that you know only partially? So had I loved only parts of her? She obviously didn't trust or love me enough to fully open herself to me.

xx

I opened my eyes shortly afterwards and was surprised to find breakfast waiting for me on my nightstand. I was even more surprised that I had slept all night long, which was unheard of since Annie's death. How had Rachel managed to keep Mel silent for hours? I realized that she was not only determined to improve my life, but also quite able to.

I decided to raid the offered breakfast and it felt good to eat something substantial again. After a while Rachel entered the room, humming happily and holding a sleeping Mel on her arm. She made this look so easy, I thought. Is a child really able to replace a mother so quickly? One thing seemed certain, I wouldn't be able to replace Annie like this. I still hadn't come to grips with her death and her double life and it still hurt like hell. I was thankful for Rachel's willingness to help me, but was far from feeling a special connection to her.

"Feeling better?"

"Physically, yes, thanks to you. Emotionally, I'm still overwhelmed. I don't understand how this could happen."

"You're talking about Anna's death?" Mel was still totally content and not disturbed by our talk, which was another complete mystery to me.

"About everything that happened to my life, to be honest. Our weekend trip, your cruel cheating, Anna suddenly entering my life, me suddenly being a father, Anna's death, you moving in here. I feel like I'm half drifting, half pushed around, but always stumbling through my life without having my own will."

"Alex, if you want me to move out, I will. I'd be terribly disappointed, but I don't want to impose myself."

"No, don't get me wrong. You're helping me a lot, please stay."

She just smiled, nodded and left me alone. It suspiciously looked like a tear was escaping her eye.

xx

I returned to work a few days later, as I was convinced that Rachel had taken over my household effortlessly. She really seemed to enjoy the situation and handled it perfectly. Taking care of everything, including my emotional instability, but staying out of my way when needed. She never tried to kiss me and I appreciated it, but she hugged me a lot when I was feeling down. She was unselfish, caring and sensitive. She was the best friend I ever had in the situation I needed one most. In short - she was great.

xx

"Alex, I need to visit my parents for the weekend, they need my help. It's been almost two months since Annie's death. You think you can handle being alone for a few days?"

Could I? Yes, most probably. I felt stronger again and more stable. But did I want to? No, I suddenly realized. Her leaving me for a few days just felt wrong for some reason. Not because of some practical matters, but because I wanted her presence. No, because I needed her presence. This insight was a bit unexpected and I was at a loss for words.

She watched me with a puzzled expression on her face. She seemed surprised for a few seconds, then a huge smile appeared.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" she exclaimed, punching her small fist into the air. "Whoohoo!" She jumped in my arms and clung to my neck like a burr. I was still confused, but I realized I had come to a decision. There was no sense in denying it any longer, I still loved her in some way. The feeling had just been dormant while buried under all that hurt and stress. She felt encouraged enough to give me the first real kiss in years and I was amazed that it felt just right. Was she still my woman? Had she been that all this time? What about Annie? Had she been just a substitute? Or was Rachel currently just a substitute? Did it matter if it just felt right? Probably not.

She finally let go of my neck and started to drag me towards the bedroom, exclaiming more short outbursts of joy. And I realized that I was grinning widely too. Suddenly all was good again with the world. The following sex was a little awkward, but none of us cared. We were both just happy to be reunited and clung to each other for quite some time afterwards, her tears wetting my chest.

"Just don't hurt me again, okay?"

"Never, Alex. Never again. We have both suffered through my stupidity. But it wasn't for nothing. We have a beautiful daughter and you will get a better Rachel than I could have been back then. I promise you, I will be the best friend you'll ever have."

"Good. So we have a deal then? You go to your parents for the weekend but not a minute longer. And from now on this is our bedroom again. The three of us will be one family..."

That's how far I got before she silenced me with a huge smacker, which was totally okay for me.

xx

After this rather unexpected turn of events we lived as a typical small family. Marriage was never mentioned, neither were more kids. Mel called Rachel mummy naturally. We had decided not to tell her the truth before she turned 18, maybe even not then. There was just no need, we were happy as things were.

"Alex, you know that I love Mel completely, don't you?"

This came out of the blue. We were sitting on the sofa, Mel was sleeping, everything was good. Why did she have to come up with such a deep question now?

"Sure."

I looked at her expectantly. There was more to come, that much was certain.

"I love her like she was my own child..."

"I know, yes. And I'm really glad you do."

"Yeah. But some day I would like to bear your child too. I envied Annie so much for it."

I thought about that for a while. Well...

"Why don't you do it?"

She was staying at home anyway to take care of Mel. We had merged our funds long ago and lived on my income.

"What?" To my surprise, she reacted quite emotional, jumping up and looking at me with tears in her eyes. She almost looked frightened. What was going on here? Why shouldn't we have another child if she wanted to? I was a little confused about her strong reaction because I just didn't see the problem. We lived as a family anyway.

"Well, what's the problem, Rachel?"

"You'd trust me enough to have a child with me?"

Good question. Did I? Yes, no problem. I realized that I trusted her again, she had proven herself plenty in the past.

"Yeah, I do."

"Oh, Alex."

And there she was again, Rachel the burr. She clung to me and started to sob. I was still a little confused about her reaction, but it sure felt good.

"Thank you, Alex."

"Rachel, calm down. I'm thankful that you ask first and didn't try to trick me by..."

"No, no," she interrupted me. "I'd never do that."

"Yeah. I know." And I truly did. "Anyway, let's do it if you want to. How many do you want?"

"Let's start with one. I need to get the pill out of my system, but we can start practicing right away."

And that's what we did.

xx

Our meal was finished. Today I had insisted to cook and I had gone all out. Candles, white table cloth, three courses. Rachel was pleasantly surprised, but became a little nervous during the meal. I normally didn't do this and she was starting to become suspicious. I had to act soon if I wanted to keep the surprise.