Mage, Man

"I didn't know that." Anders remarked with raised eyebrows.

"I don't think anyone does. But he opened up to me, shared his life with me." I could feel my heart beating fast in my chest and tears welling in my eyes. I looked away from Anders to hide my emotions.

"It sounds like you cared about him." Anders said softly.

I shook my head, trying to clear it but it didn't help. "He deserved that, at least." I choked out. "He's the best man I've ever met. I acted like such an ass, and... and I, I hurt him so badly!" Damn! I hadn't been able to say any of this out loud to anyone before, myself included.

"You must love him a lot." Said Anders after some consideration.

I whipped my head sideways to look at him. I could feel the tears on my face and I still tried to deny my feelings. "What?" I snapped. "I don't, I don't think I..." I didn't even have the energy to finish the lie anymore.

Anders reeled in his line and set the pole on the dock next to him. I did the same. We sat quietly, looking out over the lake for several minutes.

"Do you remember how you and I used to fool around?" He asked after awhile with a hint of embarrassment.

"Yeah of course I do." I blushed at the memories.

"Well, it was fun when we'd... do that stuff, but for me it was only ever just for fun." He stated, stroking his moustache as he selected his words.

"I had fun too." I admitted.

"But I think, you wanted more from me, and I just wasn't interested in that." Anders said, fixing me with a look. "We're friends but I remember thinking, 'this guy wants to be more than that.'"

I focused on what he was saying. "I, I mean you're a good guy... I don't know..." I found myself saying again. It was a challenge to get my thoughts out properly, especially as he spoke to me so candidly about a subject that made me squirm.

He continued. "It was... unexpected I suppose, but then again I always kind of noticed the way you'd look at me. I was flattered, but I knew that you wanted to go further. I thought you might even have been falling for me a little. That's why I stopped fooling around with you. I didn't want to lead you on even more." Anders finished.

"Maybe that's true." I heard myself concede. "You were the only man I had ever done that kind of stuff with at the time. I really liked it, more than whatever I had done with some of the girls here, much more."

"At the time?" He asked with obvious interest.

I felt my face redden again but thought, to hell with it. "Yeah. August and I had that type of relationship, you know, physical and whatnot."

His eyes grew wide. "Wow." He shook his head. "Who would have guessed?" After some more thought Anders said, "I'm sorry that he didn't feel the same way about you."

I shifted uneasily and grimaced. "That's not exactly what happened, like with you and me. He uh, he said he loved me." I couldn't quite face Anders, I felt uncomfortable.

"Then what was the issue?" He asked.

"I couldn't say it back." Hearing myself say it so simply, it made me feel stupid.

"Ah, well, I'm sorry for his loss. You're a good man, even if you are a little different." Anders gave me a kind smile and a pat on the back. "But love isn't something that can be forced. You love someone or you don't, and that's the end of it."

"But I do love him." I said plainly.

What was this? I shocked myself with the simple admission. How had I finally said, talking with Anders, what had been impossible to say to August? I had been without the mage for six weeks and they had been the worst of my life. They had been so painful, because of the simple fact that I wasn't with him. Oh lord, why couldn't I have realized sooner? I... I didn't just miss the man, I needed him. My chest heaved with longing.

Anders studied me as I made no effort to hide the emotions welling within me and spilling onto my face.

"So what was the problem, Lawrence? If you two fellows felt the same way about one another, what happened?"

It was a simple question and had an equally simple answer.

"I was the problem." I said quietly, looking into Anders' curious face. A strange calmness washed over me. I had finally done it, I had finally been honest with myself.

"I fell in love with that man but was too cowardly, too stupid to express myself. I couldn't trust him because I didn't even know my own feelings. Instead I pushed him away when I really wanted him closer." I said truthfully.

I stood up suddenly and Anders rose as well.

"Thank you, Anders." I said and shook his hand. "I think... I just needed to finally hear myself say it. You're a good friend."

The older man gave me a warm smile. "Well, I'm glad you finally figured some things out. I don't like seeing you unhappy. And I, just wanted you to know, none of this makes me think less of you."

"Thanks for letting me know, about everything." I said with a newfound respect for the man. "I think I can... start to feel better now." I added with conviction. For what felt like the first time in a long time, that knot in my stomach began to untie itself and I realized what I would have to do next.

Anders stayed at the docks to continue fishing although he had offered to see me back to my house. I told him I would be fine. I moved with haste, I had made a decision. I was going to find a way to see August. No matter how long the wait, no matter how he might react, I had to finally tell him how he made me feel. I had been mired in my own doubt and lack of understanding. It felt like a heavy weight had finally been lifted off my chest. I could breathe, for the first time in months. Granted, my ribs still ached from where I had gotten kicked, and I had the bruises to prove it, but I was barely aware of the physical discomfort. My heart was full, relieved, I had a purpose, filling me with hope.

It would be a few days before Sarthis was seen flying into town. Every time in the past when the great manticore had been sighted, it meant that August would be arriving within the hour. I made my way into the town square with the others, although I was given a wide berth and countless sideways glances.

Today, it turned out would be different. Sarthis had a container of some kind tied into the reins around his massive neck. It appeared to be a scroll case. I recognized the sight of it from August's study.

"There's something tied around the beast's neck!" someone shouted from the crowd.

"Tell Anders, he should read it!" Cried someone else.

Unsurprisingly, Anders didn't look overly comfortable with the task. He approached the immense creature apprehensively, taking short steps. Sarthis turned toward him in a flash and hissed. Anders shuddered and jumped back in fright.

I stepped out of the crowd and approached the agitated animal. I was aware of the crowd hushing as I neared. Sarthis watched me carefully. It was clear from his manner that he recognized me. I moved deliberately, keeping my eyes on him. Sarthis lowered his massive head and roared at me. I refused to flinch, even while the crowd cowered behind me.

"Be quiet Sarthis. You obviously came to deliver a message." I said in a low voice.

The beast cocked his large head and watched me with intelligent eyes.

As I finally reached his side he calmed completely and sat down. I tugged the scroll case from his bindings and opened the top. I reached inside and pulled a rolled piece of parchment free.

"Don't let him read it! Let Anders read it!" Exclaimed a frightened voice in the group.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. I read the note quietly to myself and then handed it to Anders as he cautiously stepped up beside me.

He took the paper and cleared his throat. "It says: 8 trout in salt, five dozen eggs, carefully packed, fifteen links of cured sausage, two wheels of cheese, two sacks of flour, a small bag of sugar, two hamshanks, four sacks of apples, a dozen skins of wine and three pairs of socks. Place in a barrel and leave for Sarthis."

It was August's shopping list, over a month's supply, all considered. This had been Sarthis' first visit since I had arrived and I was amazed the mage had lasted this long without having to resupply from the village. Apparently he was still unwilling to come down himself from the magedom. He really didn't want to see me, I suspected.

Within the hour the townspeople had gathered the necessary supplies together and filled a barrel. We also tucked the scroll case carefully inside. Sarthis approached the heavy wooden barrel as the townsfolk withdrew around him. I was disappointed, and even a little hurt that the mage hadn't descended himself. I had wanted to see him again so badly, to tell him once and for all how I really felt, to see if it made any difference. Instead, he was sending grocery lists with his pet and staying as far away as he could get.

Sarthis studied the barrel and then placed his huge paws on either side and dug in his talons part-way to keep it held in place. He spread his shadowy wings wide and began to flap them.

"Sarthis!" I shouted from near the manticore.

The beast turned and stopped beating his wings. He made a strange guttural sound, it might have been something like a warning. I walked over to the barrel he was holding and stood in front of him. Sarthis glared down at me.

"I need you to take me back there." I said, watching him warily.

Sarthis hissed and lunged his maw toward me. I took a bracing step back but didn't retreat.

"You can't scare me away. I need to speak with August. I need to go to him." I said sternly. I studied the creature carefully, to see if I could discern any kind of reaction.

The manticore huffed and began to flap his great wings again. Without thinking, I reached out and held onto the binding across his snout. He stopped and gave me what I thought could have been a shocked expression.

"You're not leaving without me. I'm going to August, and you have to take me. Please. I know I've let him down, but I have to try to make things right!" I pleaded with the great monster.

Sarthis' gaze became softer, almost docile. He made a low sound, but it wasn't menacing. I quickly moved to his side and began to pull myself up onto his strong back. I shifted to sit atop his shoulders, with my legs in front of his wings and reached down to pull the reins into my hands.

Anders, Thomas and finally Jenna broke from the group and ran nearly up to me. "Lawrence! What are you doing?" Shrieked Thomas in alarm.

"It's okay Thomas, I want to go back. It's where I need to be." I smiled down at my childhood friend.

"Are you sure this thing is safe?" Anders asked in a concerned voice.

"He's not a thing, he's a manticore, and I think he understands." I said as I patted his neck. Sarthis let out a growl I took for affirmation.

"Listen," I said to them. "I may not be gone long, I may be gone for a while, but know that I have to be with August now and speak to him, or I'll curse my stupidity for the rest of my days."

"At least try to be careful!" Jenna said as she reached up to put her hand on my boot.

"I will. Be safe here, all of you. I treasure our friendship. Please tell the others that August is kind. I know he acts scary sometimes, but he is actually quite wonderful."

Jenna and Thomas both looked surprised but Anders gave me a knowing nod.

"The wall is for our protection, not our captivity." I said. "The world outside would end the lives of everyone within. Please believe me."

"I don't understand." Thomas grumbled.

"I know, but I have to go. Please look after each other." I gave the best smile I could, even though I knew I would miss them terribly.

As if understanding his queue, Sarthis began again to beat his immense black wings. "Sarthis! Home!" I shouted to the sky as I yanked back on the reins.

There was a rush of wind past me as we became airborne. I held firmly to the leather bindings as there was no mage behind me to hold me still and safe. Sarthis held the barrel firmly in his claws. I looked over the manticore's side as my small life began to slowly fade from view for the second time. I released a hand from the reins and waved to my friends, even as we continued higher into the evening sky. They waved back, and I could see Thomas crying. He was so sensitive, but in time I hoped he would understand my decision. My place was no longer among them. I had to return to the man I loved. I had to go home.

CHAPTER 11: KNOWING

The return flight did not unnerve me. There was no fear and in fact I felt liberated. The air was cold and bracing but it only served to wake me up, in all ways. The clouds were tightly packed as Sarthis pushed through them with each mighty downbeat of his wings. The tower burst into view and I felt a surge of emotion move through me. I truly felt like I was returning to the place where I belonged, after being lost and adrift for what felt like ages.

We reached the lower outdoor platform of the tower a short time later. Sarthis landed more carefully than usual as he had to keep the barrel intact with his claws. I was trying to help him with the reins but I soon realized they were just on him for the rider's benefit. Sarthis had a mind of his own alright, I finally understood this fact completely as he shrugged me off bodily, forcing me to drop to the stone of the tower balcony.

"Ouch. Thanks for that." I said as I staggered back to my feet. I put some distance between myself and the manticore and headed toward the tall gates of the magedom.

I dusted myself off and looked up as a loud creak signaled me to the heavy iron gates being opened. One of the two large doors opened enough to allow me to see the corridor beyond. Standing before me in the entrance was August, staring back at me with wide, disbelieving eyes.

I struggled to meet his look and almost felt my determination slip away from me.

I fidgeted, suddenly quite nervous. "I, uh, wanted to come back." I started awkwardly.

He took a few steps from the doorway.

"There were... things I left unsaid, and, I couldn't keep them bottled up anymore." I said as I rubbed one of my arms. My mouth felt dry, my hands clammy.

August took a few more tentative steps onto the balcony.

"When you said you loved me, August, I was terrified. I, didn't know how to respond. No one has ever been so open with me, so kind..." I said as my voice began to choke with emotion. "I don't know how to be vulnerable! I don't know how to be shy or not speak my mind! I'm really, not that bright, It took me so long to understand what was in my own heart... I won't be good at this!" I cried. "Damn! I can't even talk to you about this stuff because you turn me into this babbling wreck!" I trembled in place but forced my eyes to look at the man standing before me.

"I hated being apart from you!" I was crying openly now, I didn't care. "Dammit I love you! It doesn't make any sense to me, but I only want to be with you! I want to come home!"

My whole body shook as I finally, with all of my effort, was able to say everything that had been torturing me.

I felt strong arms envelop me then, pulling me in tightly, squeezing my shuddering body against his.

"I love you! So damn much it hurts!" I wept against his chest.

"Oh Lawrence," August said in a shaking voice. "I can't believe you came back. I've never wanted to see anyone again so badly in my entire life!"

"But you didn't come down..." I croaked.

"I was so afraid to see you, I wouldn't have been able to cope with my emotions." He said as he began to kiss the top of my head, then my face. "I love you so much. I've missed you more than I can say."

"Please don't send me away again." I said fiercely as I shut my eyes.

"Never again." He whispered back. "You have come home, where you belong. I promise we'll never be apart."

"And you always keep your promises, don't you?" I whispered through the tears.

"Always." He echoed back.

I leaned up and found his mouth. We kissed so deeply and with so much passion that I thought my heart would burst from joy radiating from within me. I held him so hard, so securely to my body, I never wanted to let him go again.

Eventually we both pulled back from the embrace and gazed longingly into the other's face. His beautiful eyes glowed a sparkling silver. I ran my hand across his bearded cheek and gently touched his mouth.

"You're very handsome you know." I said with a grin.

"So you say." He replied with a shy smile.

"I, really didn't know that two men could find love together." I admitted a little sadly. "I'm sorry it took me until now to realize it."

August heaved a sigh and gave me a peck on the lips. "Maybe we mages just have more perspective from living so long. We've seen many things and come to understand a fair amount. Foremost among them is that love should be nurtured and embraced where we find it. Anything else just seems so unimportant."

His words brought a smile to my face. "You speak the truth, August. I know it in my heart." I said.

We rolled the barrel down the long hallway and into the kitchen. We unpacked the food into the pantry and cupboards together. This of course had used to be one of my jobs, unpacking and putting away the supplies, and I had found it annoying. But now with August by my side, it was somehow enjoyable. This wasn't just the kitchen anymore, it was our kitchen, in our home where we could make incredible meals together. The idea filled me with happiness. It had grown quite late but I helped August to prepare a small snack for us to share of cheese, apple and some drink. We talked and laughed and sat on the countertops in the kitchen, enjoying a splash of wine, and nervously recounted our unhappiness over the last several weeks of being separated.

As he finished setting the items on the plate he gave me a wink.

"Shall we take this to the bedroom?" He asked with an excited twinkle in his eyes.

"Oh yes." I replied.

August carried the plate and led me by the hand out of the kitchen with the other. It was a little strange, admittedly, holding the man's hand, like we were children. But I also felt a strange warmth flow up my arm and contentedness settle into my stomach. I wouldn't fight these new feelings anymore or interpret them as anything but strong attachment to the man. We reached the bedroom we used to share and he released my hand just long enough to fling the door wide, then grabbed me and pulled me inside. He set the plate next to the bed on the small end table and I set the wine next to that.

August grabbed me in tightly and fell back onto the high bed with my body on top of his.

"I can't believe you're really here, that you came back to me." He said with a powerful hug.

"Well, believe it. There's nowhere else for me anymore. I'm a damn mess without you." I said, staring longingly into his face.

He blushed. "You keep staring at me." He commented bashfully. "I've never seen you look at me quite that way before."

"I don't know how else I might look at the man I love." I said boldly.

The older man blushed even more deeply. "I didn't think you'd ever say that to me. It feels so good to hear it."

"Well, I mean it. And it's shameful how long it took me." I said. "But tell me, how did you know you loved me? I feel like... maybe I don't deserve it." I cast my eyes aside.

August pulled me down so my head was on his shoulder. Under me I could feel the rise and fall of his chest and the beating of his heart.

"Lawrence, your only shortcoming in my eyes is how long it can take you to comprehend certain things."

I said nothing, only listened.

"You have such a strong, defiant exterior, and I found it to be quite attractive. I always knew there was more to you underneath. You played games of skill with me and became a worthy opponent by the day's end! You're intelligent and reckless and passionate and crave knowledge, just as I do. To top it off you're the most beautiful man I've ever seen." August said, giving me another squeeze.