My One True Christmas Wish

I sat down on my couch and rested my arms on my knees with my hands folded in front of me. I stared at my hands for a while. Okay...enough. This wasn't me. I've never acted like this before in my life, so why the hell was I doing it now? It was time to stop acting like the scared, indecisive little girl that I had been for the past three days and start acting like the capable, independent woman that I truly was. I had finally come to a decision.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I stood up and fetched Auntie Kate's piece of expensive stationary with the matching envelope. I set them down on the couch cushion and then got busy cleaning up the mess I had made out of my coffee table. I quickly washed the few dishes in the sink, tidied up my living room and then sat back down on the couch. I carefully placed that almost mystical piece of paper on the coffee table in front of me. I lined up the envelope right next to it and then dug the fountain pen out of my purse and set it down gently next to the blank stationary. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

I knew exactly what I needed to do.

****

Satisfied, I sealed the envelope. I got undressed and decided I was going to take another shower. I took my time washing and conditioning my hair and then scrubbed the fatigue out of my body with my shower sponge thingy. I took my time doing my hair and make-up. I checked the clock on my phone while I curled my hair. I swear it felt like I had been up for hours, but it was only 8:51am. I couldn't wait any longer. I reached over and hit a button on my phone and put it on speaker. I wrapped another piece of hair around the curling iron while I listened to the satellite connect or whatever, but Aubrey must have turned her phone off because it went straight to vm...that or she wasn't taking my calls. I nodded. If that was the case, I understood. I deserved it.

I stood naked in front of my closet. I wanted to dress up. I took my time and chose a very pretty bra and panty set that Aubrey had helped me pick out. I slipped them on and then spritzed myself with some of my favorite perfume - again that Aubrey had helped me pick out. I went through my closet and decided on a nice skirt and sweater outfit. I put on some matching tights and finished it off with a pair of really cute boots. It was really cold outside and I was dressed weather-appropriately, but I also looked damned good, too.

I tried calling Aubrey again...no answer. I sent her a text...no response.

I knew it was my own fault she wasn't responding to me. I just hoped I could make her understand why I had been so distant the last couple of days. I called Aubrey again on my way to her apartment. I also tried her again as I waited in the drive-thru of Starbucks. I tried Aubrey one last time from her parking lot before I finally decided I would probably have better luck by simply knocking on her door.

I wrapped my knuckles on her door. No answer. I knocked harder. I knew she was home as I caught the faint sound of a slamming door from somewhere inside. I pounded my fist on the door again and waited. I patiently asked her to please answer the door over and over again. I finally ended up pleading and begging. I finally announced that we needed to talk and I wasn't leaving until she opened the door.

I waited and waited outside of her apartment. I paced around a little and stamped my feet to keep warm. I was technically "inside" her building, but the hallway was really more like a tunnel that ran completely through her apartment building from one side to the other. It was maybe ten degrees warmer than the temperature outside. I finally ended up huddling down next to her door and hugging my knees to my chest. I was starting to get really cold by the time Aubrey cracked her apartment door open. I had been sitting outside for at least thirty minutes.

It took me a minute to get my frozen joints to cooperate before I could stand up and face her. She wouldn't look me in the eye, but I could tell she'd been crying. I asked her if I could come in for a minute. She shook her head, but I softly asked her to please just hear me out for a minute and then I would leave if she wanted me to. Without a word she finally stepped aside and held the door open.

Aubrey took the tray of cups from me and set it on the kitchen table. She walked over to the microwave and stuck one of the cups in it. She punched a button and just stood there, silently avoiding eye contact until the microwave finally beeped. She took the cup of coffee out and unceremoniously handed it to me. I was grateful for the warmth on my numb fingers as I followed her into the living room. I watched Aubrey sit down on her couch and I sat across from her in the chair. She still wouldn't meet my gaze.

"Aubrey," I began quietly and had to clear my throat. "I want you to know how truly sorry I am."

She didn't say anything. She just shrugged one of her shoulders and continued not looking at me.

"Aubrey," I pleaded softly. "Please? I just...can you please talk to me?"

She signaled her disapproval with a small grunt and shook her head as if she couldn't believe I had the nerve to ask her that.

"I understand you're upset...you have every right to be," I continued rambling. "If I could just...if you would let me explain --"

"You know what?" Aubrey suddenly spoke up. "I don't care." She shook her head again and said almost as if to herself, "I should've known better."

"Should've known better...how?"

"That it was too good to be true."

"What was?"

Aubrey just shook her head as she stared in the opposite direction.

"What was?" I insisted. "What was too good to be true?"

"You," she said accusingly, "being my friend."

"Aubrey," I replied patiently. "I am your friend and you know it."

"Whatever," she scoffed and crossed her arms across her chest.

"Aubrey," I sighed, but she cut me off.

"You're just like everybody else I've ever trusted, Meghan," she shook her head as she said that and I thought I saw a tear roll down her cheek. I knew she had meant that to sound bitchy, but I thought it sounded sad.

"No, Aubrey," I replied and leaned forward in my seat. "I'm not."

"Really?" she asked incredulously. "Well, gee - you kind of snuck out of here Sunday without so much as a goodbye...and then you just totally blew me off."

"I know," I closed my eyes and dropped my head in shame. "I'm really sorry...I just..."

"Just what?" she snapped and looked in my direction for a brief moment. She looked away again and continued. "I really needed to talk to you...and guess what? You weren't there for me, were you?"

I didn't say anything as I stared at my boots.

"Were you?" she demanded.

I reluctantly shook my head. "No."

"Exactly," she pointed out and was at least looking in my direction if not at me as she chastised me. "You wouldn't take my calls. You didn't answer my texts. So how does that make you different?"

I reached into my purse and pulled out the sealed envelope. I extended my arm towards Aubrey.

"Whatever that is," Aubrey turned her head away from me, "I don't want it."

"Aubrey," I pleaded. "Please take it."

"Forget it," she sighed and slumped back deeper into the cushions of the couch like she was exhausted. "I think you should go."

"Aubrey --"

"Just..." she said more firmly and still wouldn't look at me. "Go."

"Aubs," I whispered still holding the envelope towards her. "Please?"

She just turned her head further away from me and crossed her arms again.

I stood up and slowly walked to the door. I stopped and looked at her. "I wanted to tell you that my family has this tradition --"

"Meghan," she sighed heavily. "I don't care --".

"Let me finish," I raised my voice a little, speaking over her protest firmly. She fell silent and I took that as permission to continue. "See, my Auntie Kate reminded me of it this morning. We had this thing we used to do when I was a kid that she called our One True Christmas Wish. The week of Christmas we were supposed to write down that 'one thing which we most truly desired' was how she always put it. We would seal it in an envelope and on Christmas Eve we were supposed to put it in our stocking."

Aubrey didn't say anything, but at least she was sort of looking in my general direction again as she listened.

"Auntie Kate thought I should get back to that tradition," I explained. "At first I thought it was silly...but then...I don't know, the more I thought about it the more I realized that those envelopes were always gone on Christmas morning. Even when Auntie Kate wasn't with us on Christmas, they somehow disappeared...I guess I never paid all that much attention to it with presents to open and everything."

I took a deep breath before I continued. "And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that when I took a step back... Well, I'm not really sure how to say it, but back when I - I don't know, I guess - believed? Anyways...those years that I did that and I wrote down what in fact was what I wanted most of all way deep down in my heart? It occurred to me that more often than not, in one way or another...my Christmas wishes always ended up coming true."

Aubrey was now finally looking directly at me with this neutral expression on her face. I held the envelope up so I was sure she saw it and then carefully placed it on the little catch-all table next to her door.

"You can open it...you can throw it away...or you can burn it," I instructed her. I grabbed the handle of the door and pulled it open. "But I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry it took me so long to figure things out...but I finally did."

I hesitated a moment longer to try and keep my voice from breaking. "Merry Christmas, Aubs."

With that I turned around and walked out the door without another word, shutting it behind me. By the time I walked down the hall-tunnel to the front entrance of her building I felt like my heart was literally breaking into pieces. I pushed the heavy exit door open and somewhere deep in my brain it registered that it had started snowing again. Some of the big, fat snowflakes were landing on my face and immediately melted on my flushed cheeks and mixed with my tears. I slowly started walking in the general direction of my car, but everything looked blurry as the tears came faster.

"Wait!" I heard Aubrey call out from behind me. "Meg! Wait!"

I turned around to see her running after me. I also saw that she was barefoot and hadn't even bothered to put a jacket on. I immediately took a step towards her in concern. "Are you crazy? You're gonna freeze!"

Aubrey didn't answer as she practically slammed into me, her arms grabbing me in a fierce hug that almost took both of us off of our feet. I saw that she had opened the envelope and had the piece of paper clutched tightly in her fist. We hugged for a long time and then she pulled back and looked into my eyes, tears running down her face too.

"Did you mean it?" she asked breathlessly.

I nodded and we both started crying harder and resumed our hug.

We held each other like we would never let go, but then my common sense finally kicked back in and I shooed her back towards her apartment. She wouldn't take her arms from around me, so the walk was awkward and slow. Her teeth were chattering by the time we got inside. I sat her down on the couch and hurried to her linen closet and grabbed a couple of blankets and wrapped her up in them. She was still clutching that fancy piece of paper in her trembling hand. I looked down at it and read my own handwriting.

My One True Christmas Wish is...Aubrey.

She looked up at me and managed to ask through her chills. "W-why d-didn't you t-tell me?"

"I don't know," I shrugged and looked down at my boots. "To be honest...I really didn't even know how to tell myself."

Aubrey smiled and leaned forward so that her head was resting against my stomach. I put my arms around her shoulders and held her. I shuffled my feet and managed to sit down beside her while continuing to hold her. I kept my hands busy rubbing her back and arms as I tried to help her warm up. She finally stopped shivering and we just kind of sat there leaning against each other with our arms around each other. I pulled away from her a little and took a deep breath. She turned her head and I looked directly into her eyes.

"Look, Aubs...I'm not a lesbian. I'm not attracted to women," I informed her in a quiet, serious voice and I thought I saw a brief flash of confusion in her eyes. For a second I thought she was going to say something, but then she must have thought better of it when she realized I wasn't finished.

"I just know that..." I continued. "That I am attracted to you...very attracted. So if that makes me gay, then I guess I'm gay. I don't care and I honestly don't have it all figured out, but I the one thing that I do know for sure is...I love you."

There...I'd said it. I was not only able to admit it to myself out loud, but I'd confessed it to Aubrey. I found it hard to swallow. My heart was laid bare and it was out there to be accepted...or you know, to be shattered into a million pieces. I held my breath.

"Meg," Aubrey said quietly and those amber-brown eyes looked at me without blinking. She was doing that oh-so-cute little lip-biting thing that I found adorable and was pretty sure she didn't even know she was doing. She shrugged off the blankets and adjusted her position a little so that she was facing me.

Ruh-roh...warning bells of impending doom started going off in my head...Danger, Will Robinson, danger!

"I love you, too."

My heart felt like it had just fallen into the pit of my stomach as I watched the slightest grin pull at the corners of those pouty lips. Wait...what did she just say?

"What?"

Instead of replying she scooted over a few more inches until she was sitting right beside me on the couch. She brought her hands up tentatively and hesitated. We looked into each other's eyes for a few moments. Before I knew what was happening she was gently taking my face in her hands and our heads moved forward like it was in slow motion and then... Then our mouths pressed together and Aubrey's full, pouty lips seemed to fit perfectly against mine. We were sharing our first real kiss.

That kiss was...whew (which you can take the definition of whew to mean WOW...Holy freaking smokes!). I mean, as gorgeous and voluptuous and utterly sensual as everything about Aubrey is, I probably should not have been surprised by our first kiss...but I was. I've never been kissed like that before. Our mouths opened slightly at the same time and Aubrey's felt so delicate and soft. I was completely unprepared by how intimate and passionate it would be to kiss this person who had completely captured my heart. I let out this tiny little sigh as my head started spinning and the whole world just kind of faded away for a few minutes.

We finally broke the kiss and pulled apart. I looked at Aubrey breathlessly.

"I said," she smiled and affectionately kissed the tip of my nose, "that I love you, too."

"Seriously?" I could feel the silly grin spreading across my face. "You do?"

"Uh, it's kind of obvious," Aubrey rolled her eyes and smiled. "That's kind of why I needed to talk to you."

My eyes grew wide and then I jumped and started yelping. She was tickling my ribs as she added with a fake growl, "You know, when you wouldn't return my calls."

"I'm so sorry," I replied and made a sad face, but she stopped me by putting a finger to my lips.

"No more apologies," she insisted. She pulled her finger away, but replaced it with her mouth and we kissed again. She ended the case way too soon in my humble opinion. "I get it...I understand you had to figure this out. I did, too...I guess it just didn't take me as long."

I smiled and felt like maybe I wouldn't be able to stop anytime soon. "I feel like we should...I don't know, go out and celebrate or something."

"Uh-uh...nope," Aubrey shook her head firmly like she had already decided. "We don't have time...Christmas Eve, remember? We have to go to my parents' house and then over to see your family."

"Oh...right," I slumped as that realization hit me. "Soooo...rain check?"

Aubrey stood up. Even though she didn't have any make-up on and her eyes were still a little swollen from crying and her feet and the bottom part of her calves were kinda dirty from running outside barefoot in the snow and her hair was kind of a mess...even with all that, when she looked at me and held her hand out for me to take it? She had never looked more beautiful.

"I have a better idea."

****

Despite the many times we had played around, seen each other naked and had our "fun", I still felt really nervous when Aubrey took my hand and led me down the hall towards her bathroom. I had no idea what was going to happen, but was kind of relieved when she lit a candle and kept the lights off. It gave the entire bathroom a comfortable feel and helped me relax. I stood and watched as she pulled the glass shower door open and turned on the water.

Aubrey turned back towards me with this coy little smile on her face. She stepped closer to me and took hold of the hem of my sweater. My hands were shaking as I lifted my arms and let her pull it up and over my head. I was scared, but a good scared. It was more like overly excited, but at the same time I wanted to do everything right for her. I leaned over and tried to help her out by unzipping my boots, but she playfully slapped my hands away and insisted on taking them off herself. Next, off came my skirt, then my tights until I was standing in front of her in just my bra and panties. Aubrey paused to give me a light kiss on my lips which nearly made me swoon. While she was kissing me she unhooked my bra and gently slid the shoulder straps down my arms.

The bathroom was starting to fill with steam so I wasn't cold, but my nipples were like hard little pebbles. I shivered as her fingers danced along my hip bones and then she slipped those fingers into the sides of the waistband of my panties. I took a shuddering breath as she slowly slid them over my hips and down my thighs, Aubrey going to her knees in front of me as she did so. She was focused on untangling the underwear from around my feet, but once that was done she looked up at me. I watched her face expectantly as I felt her hands slide up along the outside of my thighs. She smiled up at me as her hands traced around to the back of my thighs and then she gently cupped both cheeks of my ass and pulled me closer.

I couldn't help the gasp that escaped my throat when she kissed me on my lower abdomen right above my mons. Her lips felt soft and warm on my skin. Aubrey kissed higher towards my bellybutton as she began to stand up and kissed me again right between my breasts as she fully regained her feet. She let her hands gently caress up my back and then over to run up and down my arms a few times before leaning in and lightly kissing me on the lips again. Then she took a step back and extended her arms towards me.

It was my turn.

I took a deep steadying breath and decided I'd had enough of my jittery nerves. Aubrey was here with me because she wanted to be...and I wanted to be with her. I boldly stepped a little closer and grabbed the bottom edge of her long-sleeved t-shirt. She helpfully put her arms up over her head without being asked and I slipped her shirt up and off. I put my arms around her and ran my nails up and down her naked back which caused her to shudder and I glanced down to watch her nipples harden through the sheer material of her bra. I boldly unhooked it and then pulled it down off of her shoulders. I leaned back and was once again amazed all over again as her large, rounded breasts were revealed to me.