The Rehab

Lucia was humming to herself as she repaired the plaster in what would become the family room. We were working from room to room, repairing the necessary damage done by the new wiring and plumbing. I hated that she was so happy. I was breathing heavily as I entered the room. My pulse was through the roof.

"Have fun at the bank?" Lucia asked naively. The lies were done; only pain was left.

"I lied, I didn't go to the bank," I responded, trying to remain calm and level. I thought I might throw up. Lucia paused her plastering for a moment, not looking at me.

"Oh?" Lucia responded after a second. She returned to her repairs. I sensed she wasn't sure if she wanted to hear more. I guess I wasn't as calm and level as I thought.

"I saw your mama at the hospital," I said, inching forward. I was stalling again and hated myself for it.

"You visited Mama?" Lucia asked. She still wasn't looking at me and the plastering was getting quicker and sloppier. I sucked it up, and out it came.

"I have a tumor," I stated bluntly, "I've known for a while. It's incurable, six months maybe a year." I no longer wanted to vomit. I wanted to shoot myself. Lucia just kept plastering, never turning to look at me. She was plastering over what was already done. "Lucia?" I pleaded.

When Lucia turned I thought I would die. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She dropped her trowel, the mud pan and ran. I didn't have the heart to chase after. I heard her pickup start and leave at a high speed. I closed my eyes and prayed she would find her way safely to Mama. I no longer wanted the house or my six months. I called Mama.

"She left," I said quickly, "I don't think she's coming back."

"I sorry, Todd," Mama said, "I so sorry." I knew what she meant. She was sorry for everything I had just lost. I hung up the phone, never saying goodbye. I was back to knowing no one. I could always pay Doctor Collins for another hour. I could talk end-of-life at a hundred dollars an hour.

"Fuck me!" I yelled at the world. I returned to a dream I no longer cared about. At least it had an end game. Tasks that needed doing. Something is better than nothing. I picked up the trowel, mud pan and went to work. I didn't sleep that night, but all the rooms were repaired.

My heart was hurting when the sun came up. I packed away the plaster and cleaned the tools. Everywhere I went in the house, I kept expecting to see Lucia humming away. I distracted myself by calling a window company. The leech was at the house two hours later. I had a friend until I handed him the check. It was pitiful how I hemmed and hawed and stalled about models and quantities. I ended up picking the wood framed, double hung windows. What did I care about long term maintenance? They looked the best and went with the character of the house. My new buddy, Frank, went around measuring. He promised that all except the bathroom windows would be replaced on Monday. The bathroom windows were an odd dimension and required special milling.

I handed Frank my check and away went my newest friend. I spent the day painting the porch. I decided (Actually it was Lucia's suggestion.) the uprights needed a lighter color than the rest of the exterior. When I was done, I realized I had added even more of her to the house. She was right, more character and more charming. God, I missed her.

I spent Sunday tearing out the old kitchen floor. Someone, long ago, had installed some type of linoleum, that had long-since yellowed, and they had used copious amounts of glue. I ended up replacing the plywood flooring. Strangely, I couldn't match the thickness of the old boards so none of them could be saved. I put the tile sample that Lucia had picked on the floor. I measured the floor and decided to pick up the tiles on Tuesday. Lucia would own the kitchen as well. I slept that night.

It was the pounding that woke me the next morning. I looked at my phone. It was almost 10:00. Damn, I had overslept again. I realized the window company installers must be frantic. I quickly dressed and headed to the door. I was surprised to see them already in the house, one guy was pounding on a shim while checking a level, while another window was being hoisted in place by another worker. I thought I must have left the door unlocked. The workers nodded at me, but basically ignored my confused look. I headed out the door, looking for the supervisor.

The supervisor was at the back of his truck, arguing with prettiest sight in the world. I stood stunned as Lucia refused two of the windows. The seals had already been compromised and there was no way they were going in the house. I stared as the supervisor gave in and placed them back on the truck, promising new ones when the bathroom windows came in at the end of the week. Lucia saw me then, standing on her porch. Her face was questioning. I smiled and the world lit up with hers. She walked up to me as I stood stupidly, trying to figure out what it meant for her to be here. "I want the year," Lucia said. I closed the distance and pulled her to me.

"It's already yours," I said. We kissed under a deluge of whistles from the installers. They would never understand what Lucia had given me. Her heart was more valuable than a hundred homes, more precious than a full life. She was my happiness and I prayed I could be hers.

"I need to speak with Doctor Collins," Lucia said softly, combing her fingers through my hair. I loved her touch. I loved her just being here. "He won't talk to me without your permission."

"I'll tell you anything you want to know," I said hesitantly. I was not enamored with the idea, but I couldn't hide anything any more. She smiled at me. I would jump off a cliff for that smile.

"I need to know everything, even the bad parts you won't tell me," Lucia said carefully. I felt like the supervisor putting the windows back on the truck. It was a one-sided negotiation and the only way to win was to surrender. I conceded. I sat down on the steps and called Doctor Collins' office.

Lucia was a designer possessed. For an ex-stripper, she had a commanding sense of style. If I had my way, I would have painted the whole interior one neutral color. I thought back to that first night at the Pleasure Palace, when I desired one thing and she slowly turned it into what I really needed. Why this woman wasn't commanding armies of thralls, I had no idea. I simply followed her around the house as she chose colors. I nodded my agreement, writing down her decisions and taping small paper paint samples to the text. There was little doubt she would own every room.

That night, Lucia surrendered to me. I made love to her at my speed, the way I desired and she simply enjoyed it. I was slow and methodical, memorizing every square inch of her by touch. Her smells, her sounds, her passion and that lovely smile were mine. I fully lost myself that night. She and I became us and us became everything.

Surprisingly, I woke before Lucia the next morning. I watched her sleep with her thick hair bunched up in odd directions. It was incredibly peaceful watching her chest slowly rise and fall with every breath. I was guilty of allowing her to watch me die. It was so incredibly selfish. She was the love of my short, remaining life.

I sneaked slowly out of bed, trying to let her sleep. I dressed quietly and headed to the kitchen. I grabbed the coffee carafe and filled it with water from the bathroom. I really had to get cabinets and a sink in the kitchen. I smiled to myself as I started the coffee machine on the plywood floor. So much still needed to be done, and I really didn't care if it ever got finished. The doing was more important than the finishing. As long as Lucia was here, I never wanted it finished. I loved working with her and finishing would end that. I wanted what we had now to be my forever. I was so damn selfish.

"That smells wonderful," a sleepy voice said from the doorway. I looked up from my seat on the unfinished floor. Lucia was leaning on the door frame, the weak morning sun just breaking through the window to her left. Her hair was an utter mess and her smile was subtle.

"You are absolutely gorgeous," I admired. Lucia's t-shirt stopped about mid thigh and really highlighted her naked legs. She smiled and sat cross legged next to me as I poured her a cup of coffee. She traded her phone for the cup. There was a text from Mama, 'Dinner at 6, no late.' "A dinner invitation," I commented.

"A summons," Lucia corrected, with a bit laughter.

"I would love to," I said joyfully. Lucia leaned forward, rat's nest and all, and kissed me. Mama was everything to Lucia so Mama was very important to me. I wondered how my life would have been different if my parents hadn't died so young or if I had married and had a family of my own. I tossed the thought aside. Lucia was my now and my forever.

We spent the day shopping. We picked up tile, glue, grout, tools and quite a few gallons of paint. We coordinated with a cabinet company to come out the next day to measure the kitchen and bathrooms. Lucia was keeping it all straight in her head. A beautifully efficient brain was operating under all that hair. I told her so and she just blushed and playfully told me to shut up. She had no idea of her strong organizational skills. I think she fed off my confidence and just kept imagining it was mostly my doing.

In the middle of our shopping spree, Lucia's phone rang. It was Sophia and Lucia's face lit up as she sat down on a bench outside a home store. I saw Lucia's attention disappear into the phone and I smiled. I leaned down and kissed her forehead and signaled to meet me inside the store when she was done. Lucia absently acknowledged me with a smile and wave of her hand. No matter how much we meant to each other, I would be second-fiddle to her daughter. I could live, and die, with that.

I was in the lighting aisle trying to choose ceiling fixtures when Lucia returned with a bounce in her step. I don't think she realized she had been on the phone for over forty-five minutes.

"What do you think...for the entry hall?" I asked, holding up an enclosed glass fixture with brass trim. Lucia looked for moment, and I could almost see her brain trying to imagine it in the small entryway.

"I think indirect would be better," Lucia reflected, "it would be warmer and more friendly." She was right, of course, something without visible bulbs would be nicer. We spent some time and chose a light for the entryway and two externals for the porch. She wanted to shop elsewhere for the other rooms since nothing jumped out as perfect.

"I haven't told Sophia about you yet," Lucia admitted while we waited in line to check out. She was leaning into me, comfortably. I thought about it for a moment. I wondered why that didn't bother me. I would be just a blip to Sophia, a hello and then a goodbye.

"You shouldn't," I stated, after a short pause, "she has enough to worry about in life." The only thing I could offer Sophia was pain. Possibly anger if she resented my selfishness with her mother. It was best for her, and Lucia, if we never met.

"It won't bother you?" Lucia asked with concern. She almost looked like she was the one with the short lifespan. I smiled at her loving balancing act. Sophia on one side and me on the other.

"It would cause her nothing but pain," I said carefully, "I never want to be the cause of that. I have already been too selfish with you." Lucia welled up a bit and hugged me close, almost knocking me into a battery display.

"I love you," Lucia whispered. It hurt when she said it. I had already known it, but having it out there in the open was both joyous and chastising. I had linked her to my demise. I was going to cause her tremendous pain and I was way too weak to let her go. I needed her more than the house. I needed her more than another fifty years.

"I love you too," I whispered back. An interrupting cough from the cashier broke our kiss. We were holding up the line.

The hot water heater was man's greatest invention. It allowed me to linger in the shower with Lucia. Washing her was an absolute delight. I spent time washing her hair, something she enjoyed very much. I found her breasts to be filthy, at least that was my excuse. The experience wound her up tightly and she forced me, laughing, to lie down in the tub. It was slippery, uncomfortable and so very wonderful when she lowered herself onto me. It was blissfully slow, her grinding into me as warm water caressed us both. I was her prisoner, trapped between the tub's sides and unable to move. She seemed to like the control and teased me as she took her pleasure. I followed her to the clouds, only seconds after her tremors incited me. I made a mental note to replace the old tub with a wider one.

Mama was waiting at the door when we arrived. We had to park in the street since there were already two cars in the driveway. I knew one belonged to Doctor Collins. Lucia had said he would be here. I knew why and I didn't hold it against her. This was something I couldn't stop and I knew it was necessary.

Mama was smiling when she embraced me. I felt her love as she held me and told me she was glad I was here. It surprised me, after what I was subjecting her daughter to. I was expecting a colder reception. I returned it in kind which seemed to please Mama and her daughter which, in turn, pleased me. I wasn't used to that type of greeting; it seemed foreign in some way. Once inside I saw Doctor Collins and what looked like a colleague of his.

"You padding the bill, Doc?" I asked good humoredly. Doctor Collins laughed as he rose. We shook hands.

"This is Doctor Pierce, a neurologist," Collins introduced me to the thirty-something doctor wearing jeans and a polo, all of it designer. "Camilla has offered a barter." Collins smiled. "Dinner in exchange for consultation."

"That and the Director told us to be here," Pierce stated with a smile, nodding toward Mama.

"I have much power," Mama said with a sly smile. I guessed working 30 years for the same organization begets benefits not given to the average employee.

Mama's dinner was as excellent as that last time. She had prepared steak drizzled with a wonderfully spicy cheese topping. Sided with julienne potatoes and lightly-seasoned, steamed broccoli. I would have had thirds again, but someone had invited two hungry doctors. I felt a bit jealous when Mama served them seconds. I was selfish that way.

Over coffee, the inevitable conversation began. I had heard it all before and really didn't relish a rehash. Doctor Collins was the first to spot my reluctance. He, of course, was used to these conversations.

"Can we take this to the front room?" Collins asked, looking at Mama. She looked at me and nodded. Lucia was looking a little confused.

"I've heard it before," I said quietly to Lucia, "we'll talk after." She saw my apprehension and kissed me on the cheek. Everyone but Mama picked up their coffees and headed to the front room.

"Ju know how do dishes?" Mama asked. She knew enough to take my mind off the conversation. I stood and started collecting plates.

"Of course," I replied with a smile. Mama went to set up the sink as I collected the dishes and silverware.

"She need to know," Mama said, handing me a freshly washed plate to dry. I ran a towel across its base and around the rim.

"I know," I replied, "it's just not a fun conversation." Mama nodded while handing me another dish.

"We be there when God call," Mama said clearly. The word 'we' struck hard. Now I've dragged two people into my private cesspool. I didn't mean to suck her into this. I looked at her as she dipped another plate in the soapy water.

"I didn't..." Mama cut me off with her hand.

"Lucia make her choice," Mama clarified, "ju family now." I tried to say something, anything, but nothing came out. I just stared at her, dumbfounded. This wasn't my choice to make. It never was. I had dug my hole too deep.

"Lucia love you. She not dancing. I see dreams in eyes." Mama was tearing up. "I sorry, I no can help what God do." She shrugged her shoulders helplessly. "I know we want ju here." I stood there, like an idiot, just staring at her. How could she even think I was anything but a problem?

"That house thing," Mama continued, talking with her hands, "that all she talk about. How ju two do this and that. How jur building something. She not thought that way since Sophia born. Now she happy. Ju do that." Mama grabbed my arms with her wet hands. "She need ju, even if it a little while. I think ju need Lucia too." I wrapped my arms around her.

"More than you will ever know," I whispered. I had only considered how bad I was for Lucia. I didn't know her before to see how she had changed. "It will be hard later," I reminded Mama.

"Ju just love Lucia. The family deal with after," Mama said and returned to the dishes after wiping her eyes. "That what families do," she added. It struck me then, looking a Lucia's mom, there were steps I could take to guarantee Lucia would have choices. A future of her own choosing, beyond the transient me. I would never see a dime of Social Security, but Lucia might collect. I smiled at the thought. I was adding up the unspent portions of my 401(k) in my head. The value of the house, the stock in the brokerage firm and the cash still in the bank all made a pretty healthy sum. There's no point in a cousin I hadn't seen in twenty years getting it.

"Lucia needs to marry me," I said, smiling. Mama looked up at my face with her own sly grin. She had thought the same thing. From anyone else I would have thought it nefarious. With Mama, it was calculated love. An obvious solution for maintaining a path for Lucia. Mama's wet hands grabbed my cheeks and she kissed me on the lips.

"Ju make wonderful son," Mama stated with sincerity.

"You are a wonderful mother," I said conspiratorially. Mama smiled as we returned to the dishes. It's funny how a few thoughts can change one's mood. I went from trepidation to euphoria in a matter of moments. I always knew I would give Lucia the house. I was just slow to see the rest. Suddenly, money had value again.

I was putting up the last of dishes while Mama was telling me young Lucia stories. I got the picture of a fairly wild girl with little fear. She must have been a terror to raise, but Mama remembered those times fondly. I guess that was the spark Mama saw now. The lack of fear and the certainty of being correct. Lucia had basically taken over the rehab, at least in spirit. Her decisions were now steering the project and setting the timeline. Mama had her daughter back. I was going to ensure Mama could keep her.

I was laughing at one of the stories when Lucia came into the kitchen. She looked at Mama and 'said' something unspoken. Mama just stood up, kissed her and left the room. Lucia straddled me in the chair, her hands behind my neck.

"You won't fight it?" Lucia asked. The doctors must have told her about the chancy treatments. I had dropped those ideas quickly. The odds were lottery-sized and meant spending most of my time sick in a hospital bed. Not my vision of end-of-life.

"No," I said simply.

"Doctor Pierce agrees with you," Lucia said as her eyes got cloudy, "The headache part scares me. They said it would be painful." I couldn't help her much with that.

"I will get through it. I have to," I said simply.

"We will get through it," Lucia reiterated, "because we have to." She leaned in closely to my ear and whispered, "Doctor Pierce seemed to think sex might help." Whatever Doctor Pierce charged for his services, it wasn't nearly enough.

"He did not." I smiled.

"Well, I did ask, and he said it couldn't hurt," Lucia said with her million dollar smile. Her face went serious again. "It's better that I know. Thank you for letting me know." I kissed her then. She was right, it was better there wouldn't be any surprises. Nothing I had to hopelessly try to hide.