A Troll is Haunting Tex's

There's a reason there's a crap-load of guns in Texas and it isn't what they tell you in the fake media or the tourist brochures or the gun-control websites coz those assholes, they don't know shit. Like to see them staring a chupacabra in the face and waving that gun-free zone sign. Chupacabras don't give a flying fuck. They'd prefer you don't have a gun coz that way, well, easy meat. Or easy blood, anyhow. Unarmed? You're just a big red blood-filled slushee for a chupacabra to suck back.

And there's worse than chupacabras out there. Waaaaay and the fuck worse, dudes.

Chupacabras? You don't know what they are? You're so lucky. Evil reptilian blood suckers the size of a small bear, leathery green-gray kinda scaly skin, spines running from the neck to the base of their tail, they're about three to four feet tall, stand and hop like a kangaroo and the evil fuckers hunt in packs. I'd read up on them on Monsternet (it's on the Dark Web, so don't bother looking, you won't find it, not the real Monsternet anyways) after Tex'd invited us down. Just on the off chance. Know your monsters and everything and I'd heard of them but I hadn't known the details. Didn't like what I read either.

That puncture tube sticking outa their mouths; that had me shuddering. Punch through your skull like an awl through a layer of plasterboard, liquefy your internal organs and that includes your brain if you didn't know and suck out the blood like a vacuum cleaner. Takes a heavy round to drop an adult. Run into a pack on your own, you're in big trouble but with a team this size and with the firepower we could put out, no y problema.

As they say down south, close to the border.

You don't get them up north where Steve and I live, we got other monsters up here but down in Texas, they show up all the time. Not so smart, but they're cunning, work in packs, they tag along behind the illegals coming over the border, feed of the stragglers like the blood-suckers they are. You can usually tell when the chupacabra's have come across, there's a trail of dead illegals sucked empty of blood that runs clear across the desert. Women and kids mostly, they're smart enough to go for the easy pickings. Yep, shooting chupacabra's, that'd be just fun.

I didn't want a chupacabra head though. Tex or the others could have those. Steve'd said he'd take one but I'd put my foot down on that one. No way I wanted to see one of those bloodsuckers on the wall at home at night. Waaaaay to scary. I'd see it in the dark and scream my head off. Probably start shooting and then the neighbors would complain like they did that last time and I'd have to pay to get the holes fixed and that hadn't been cheap. Those frigging kids dressing up as vampires for Halloween and scratching at the windows when I'd been home alone. Well, those two little assholes wouldn't be doing that again.

On the plus side, I'd missed them, so all that happened was those kids, they'd got a good fright and I'd had to replace the glass and pay to get those holes in the house next door fixed. On the negative side, I'd missed them and what if they had been vampires. Jesus. I'd spent a lot of time down at the range practicing after that one. Anyhow, one problem at a time. Wouldn't miss next time. You might not want me in a hostage recovery situation coz yeah, my target discrimination sucked but I was a good shot. See it. Shoot it. That was me.

Didn't have any problems hunting chupacabras, wasn't like it was hard to make a mistake. Taking down a few, that'd be a public service. Good bonus on them too. The Fed's didn't skimp on paying out on monsters, although the tax was a bitch. A Master Vamp, the bonus on that'd put you in that top tax bracket all by itself. You had to take it out and survive though and let's just say, there's a lot of wannabe monster hunters but not too many old ones. Steve and I, we knew our limits and for us it was a hobby, not a job. Never took on anything too dangerous. Pass on the Master Vamp's for sure. Leave those to the professionals.

Or the Feds. That was their job although yeah, they really weren't that frigging professional and their target discrimination was about as good as mine. Brute force and shoot everything in sight was more their line. Take Waco and I'm mentioning that one coz everyone knows about Waco. They'd said that guy Koresh was a succubus, that was the official story they spread around the monster hunting network.

Well, that was crap. Just some frigging religious nutjob and they went in boots and all and lost control of that chimera the FBI had brought in and it'd flamed everything in sight and they'd totally fucked that one up. Waco and Ruby Ridge and those were only the two everyone knows about. There've been a lot more they've covered up. I didn't feel so bad about missing a couple of kids although yeah, I was bugged that I'd missed. At least I had missed them. Feds wouldn't have. But jeez, I'm totally off topic again.

Doing that all the time. I really gotta stay focused.

Chupacabra's? Well, Tex and Steve, they were old Marines, they could handle them easy-peasy although yeah, Tex was a bit long in the tooth but he was still good for some action. 'Specially with those chicks he hung out with. Tex'd said they could handle a gun. Just hoped we were talking the same sort of gun. You never knew with Tex. This is a rifle, this is a gun, this is for fighting, this is for fun and all that. Steve, he'd been in the Marines in the 'Stan so he was a bit more recent although he'd been out a good few years now. A few of the others had been in the military as well. The ones that hadn't been, well they knew how to roll, most of them.

The Aussies, well, they were coming across from Oz where they were slaves to the state and not allowed real guns like citizens and not subjects are, although they'd all done a spot of monster hunting back there and you got some pretty evil monsters in Australia. Those frigging drop-bears to start with, my cousins down there had told me about them and they were nowhere near the worst. Bunyip's, Dirawong's, Muldjewangk's, Tiddalik's (they're some kind of ghastly giant man-eating frog, that's what EB told me) and those blood-sucking yara-ma-yha-who's.

Couldn't imagine taking them on with only a bolt-action hunting rifle but I guess that's what happens when you're a subject of the state. Scary. Me, I'd want semi-auto at the least. Military quality full-auto like my, uh, let's just say my "modified," DD, that'd be better and yeah, Steve had done that little modification to one or two of his guns as well including a couple of those old FN SLR's. Only one or two. Just in case, you understand. And we had a couple of bump stocks that were just about as useful when push came to shove. No biggie.

Yep, Aussie monster-hunters, they followed in that Croc Dundee tradition, I was sure.

Wasn't sure about their firearms but we'd see. Jason had that Vollmer VK-12 after all. Maybe if they weren't so well equipped, well, Steve'd brought along a few extras for a reason. We could loan them something. In fact, Steve, he'd thrown anything and everything in the back that might be useful. A few ammo boxes of surplus .303 rounds and that old Bren gun amongst other things. Steve'd said Brits and Aussies, there were sure to be more than a couple of Lee-Enfield .303's and it wouldn't hurt to throw the ammo in and one of those old guys'd probably know how to use that Bren gun coz Steve and I. we'd figured out how to use it but we weren't that familiar with it.

That old RPG7 from the 'Stan. Nice toy, I'd tried it once and fuck, it'd taken out that old truck on the range like it was plastic. I'd scared the crap out of myself with that one. Never get rid of anything useful, even if it was illegal; that was Steve's modus operandi. We could always bring it back if we didn't need it. We even had Vampire Stakes, the blessed white oak ones although I hoped like heck we didn't run into any.

Good thing we were going troll hunting, coz vampires, they were plain scary.

I'd taken one out once, back when I was eighteen and kind of young and silly. That'd been kind of an accident coz I'd never hunted monsters at all before then. That hunting stuff, that was for the guys, not something a girl did at all. Well, that first vampire, it'd changed my frigging mind real quick coz I found out that night that monsters just didn't care at all. That vamp, it'd only been a baby one, can't have been much older than me when it'd been turned and it'd gone for my date and we'd been at a field party after a late afternoon target shooting down at the range and I'd been lucky, I'd had a few silver tipped rounds in my emergency pouch and that hadn't been planned. I'd thrown a couple of the wrong boxes in before we headed off to the range that afternoon and I'd actually been a bit bugged about it coz that kind of limited the number of rounds I could put down range.

Didn't regret it that evening though. Not at all.

So that vampire, the little blood sucking bitch, it'd slid in after dark and lured my Trey away and I'd noticed coz I hadn't been that hammered yet. It'd been going down on Trey, who was, you know, my boyfriend back then. They were in back of the trees and that bitch was blowing him which is actually what I'd been thinking about doing when I wandered down looking for him and I'd seen the fangs in the moonlight and holy shit, I was glad I'd had that old 1911 in back of my jeans. Jacked those silver-tips in like I was competing in a match and Trey, he'd been just going for it like a Wildman coz I guess that little vampire bitch knew how to give good head before she went for the real suck job.

Well, fuck that. He was my frigging boyfriend so I threw my frigging silver crucifix at her and when the crucifix sizzled like a sparkler on her arm and she screamed, I already had that 1911 lined up and I blew her frigging head to fragments just as Trey started to shoot off. Put the entire frigging mag into that bitch before Trey finished cumming and wasn't that a mess. Cum and Vampire brains. Quite the sight. No blood though, that's the nice thing about shooting vampires that haven't fed.

Apparently.

I mean, that was my one and only so I couldn't compare. Can't say I wanted another but I didn't mind backing up Steve and Tex and the guys if we ran into one. Just as long as I was waaaaay the fuck back. Maybe behind Ogg coz he was a big guy and any vampire 'd probably go for volume first, look at me as dessert coz oh yeah, I look so sweet. Cough cough. Yep, I could use Ogg for cover. He was a gentleman. Supposed to protect ladies, although, cough cough, I might not be as ladylike as those Brit chicks he was used to. You know, cucumber sandwiches and pinky sticking out when you drink tea, old girl, what.

Me, I was more of a hotdog with ketchup on a stick kind of a girl. With an ice-cold Coke. Still, Ogg, I was sure he'd slow a vampire down long enough for me to take it out if one got that close to us 'n if push came to shove he was big enough to take a couple of near misses as long as they didn't hit anything too vital coz you know, when you're hand to hand with a monster, you want your buddy shooting and if you gotta take one for the team to help that monster go down, you take it. So far hadn't happened but I knew there was always that day. Wasn't so keen on taking one for the team myself, but when you're part of a team, you gotta do what you gotta do or you get the fuck off the team 'n I knew that much.

Steve was cool about taking on vamps though, he'd staked out a couple of Taliban vampires back in the day in the 'Stan and they were pure evil. Said it'd been fun but in the military, they had the weapons for that kind of monster shit if they ran into them and they trained for it and hey, hunting was hunting, it was the werewolves he wasn't so keen on. Me, I'd take a werewolf any day. That skin. Make a nice rug to make love on and those silver tipped .308 rounds took down a werewolf no problema. Woooo-wwoooooo. Come to Big Sis, little rug.

Yeah, werewolves were over-rated. Just big vicious dogs and that one time I'd gone werewolf hunting with the guys, back at College, before I met Steve, it hadn't been anything special. Caught the doggy as it started to change, we had the permits so we were cool, the guys opened up with the .308's, I laced it with 12 gauge AP, those new sintered silver ones that I'd been trying out and oh boy, those AP rounds just blew that sucker to pieces before it could get that first howl out. Not enough skin left for a rug, which was a crying shame. Nah, werewolves were over-rated.

I'd go for the headshot and take a skin next time!

Anyhow, that old boyfriend of mine, Trey, he didn't want any more blow jobs after that baby vamp and I'd only been eighteen. I wasn't good for going all the way, not with him anyhow, and blowjobs was all I was giving out back then so Trey was out of frigging luck. We kinda broke up not too long after, partly coz I was totally upset with him. Going off with that vampire bitch. Jesus, Trey. As for Trey, he just got the shivers every time we started to make out after that when I started going down on him coz, yeah, the bitch had still been sucking on his dick when I blew her fucking head to fragments.

Like I told him, I was a good shot and I knew how big his dick was and it wasn't like he was fucking her brains. Just her mouth and it was lucky for him she hadn't got the fangs in before I blew her away myself coz, well, that would have really sucked. Probably why she was giving him a blowjob. Guy and a hard cock, that's where all the blood goes and that's what that vamp bitch was after.

The blood.

Anyhow, Trey, he still had all his blood and his dick was intact so what the fuck was he worried about. Big wuss. He hadn't been too keen to watch when I took what was left of her head off and staked the rest out before I dialed 666 for the Feds to come and take it away. I got the bounty though, which turned out to be fuck all coz the bitch had just been turned and that kind of explained the lack of blood apparently. Totally made the party though. Everyone else was stoked after that. Not too many parties around where you got to stake out a vamp with no casualties.

Anyhow, so after that, yeah, I was a big believer in being prepared. All the frigging time. Steve, he'd been a Marine. He was always frigging prepared. For everything. I mean. Take the night he met me. I'd been new in town. Just out of college. New job. Signed up for Tae Kwon Do, been going for a few weeks and this big guy rolled in. Master Kim gave him to me and he'd said he knew how to spar. Mentioned the Marines. So there I was, kicking the dust of his padding and he'd gone and said "harder ... harder."

"That's my line." That's what I'd said.

So we'd gone for Chinese takeout when that workout was over and after a couple of hours with him, well, I knew. He was the guy. I just knew.

"Want to do this again, Chloe," he'd said after I'd stolen the last of his Shanghai Noodles coz he was a bit slow with his chopsticks.

"Do this again?" I'd said, standing, taking his hand in mine. "We haven't done anything yet. Let's see if you're saying the same thing in an hour's time?" I'd had to giggle at the look on his face. "You got a strong bed? All I've got is a mattress on the floor." I'd only been there a few weeks. I didn't have much furniture.

Turned out he had a bed. Turned out he'd been prepared as well. Pulled out a condom. I'd kind of looked at it and at him and thought about it for about a second. Nice that he was prepared and all, but no. Just, no. This wasn't going to be one night and sayonara, buddy. Turned out his bed wasn't that strong. It broke, so it was mattress on the floor time after that and yeah, he managed to do it again after an hour. And again. And again.

"Fuck, Chloe, do you have a pause button?" he'd groaned, about two in the morning, in his shower together and yeah, he was getting hard again and yeah, I was making sure he did and I was enjoying it and so was he, even if was getting a little tired. From what I had in my hand, yeah, good for one more round and we'd see after that.

I'd giggled. "No pause. Just on and off, and right now?" I'd looked down. Yeah, baby, this looked so good. "Right now, I think we're on."

He'd looked down. He'd laughed. "I guess so," he said and we hadn't bothered drying off. Just gone for it, except this time I told him he looked a bit tired, he should take it easy and let me do the work. So he did and I did and woweeee, it'd been so good. I did like being on top. Sometimes. But we'd been a little wet, straight out of the shower.

"You can sleep on the wet patch," I'd said afterwards coz he was already lying on it. Half the mattress. His half. Me? I was lying on him and I wasn't planning on moving.

He'd laughed. "What do you mean, sleep? Get to work, girl."

So okay, how could a girl resist that sort of challenge? We did go to sleep after that though. Good thing I had the next couple of days off, and he worked for himself so we slept in. When I woke up late morning, he was fast asleep so I just lay there, studying him and thinking oh yeah, this is the guy. After he woke up, well, we talked and then we didn't talk for quite a while and then we talked some more. Brunch and talked even more and hey, he liked shooting and I looked at his guns and I was, like, wow! Totally my kind of guy and then we talked shooting some more and he thought it was totally cool that I'd blown away a vampire and he told me about his.

"Want to go vampire hunting Friday night?" he'd asked.

My kind of date. "Oh yeah," I'd said, and I just had to kiss him. "Love to."

I didn't know as much about vampires then as I do now. Nowhere near as much. Neither did Steve. Lucky we didn't find one, although with Steve there it would've worked out fine, I was sure of that. He'd taken those two in the 'Stan, he'd had some experience.

We hadn't taken a vamp on that first date but we'd gotten our first troll. Just a kid but still, a troll's a troll and the bounty wasn't bad because it'd been a nasty one. Hacking websites, stealing credit card numbers and selling them and the Fed's paid a good bonus when we turned that one in. Well, I'd moved in with Steve three months later and it'd just got better and better. Shooting down at the range, hunting, horror movies, taekwondo, eating Chinese (get your mind out of the gutter, eating Chinese FOOD was what I was referring to, so, you know, if you were thinking something else, well there's this restaurant in Florida call Fuk Yu) and lots of coffee.

Apart from not liking heavy metal and Cantopop and K-pop so much, he was totally my sort of guy and I was his sort of girl. So when I told him about Tex and troll hunting and the Spring Break weekend and everyone else coming in from all over, Steve'd been like, totally a keener and we were taking a couple of extra days off.

So yeah, Larry's 'ol F350 was loaded for bear and then some.

Jesus I'm really rambling here and I'm probably boring the fuck outa 'ya coz where's some more frigging sex? So where the fuck was I? (see, slipped some sex in for 'ya, coz I know that's what you're here for but yeah, hold on, there's more coming soon. Or you will be unless you pace yourself. Whatever). Oh yeah, so there we were, Steve and I, powering down that dusty Texas sideroad, fish-tailing around the corners and I was pounding away on my old laptop, hoping like hell that cellphone wouldn't die on me, running virus checkers, installing privacy filters, you name it.

But that damn Troll was tracking me. It'd hacked the link and not only couldn't I close the link or power down the laptop, I couldn't turn the webcam off. I thought we were supposed to be hunting trolls. Not trolls hunting us. Crap! This sucked and it was getting worse. Photos of my boobs were all over every porn site on the Web. Jesus. There went one of my butt.