Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 05

I expected anger and disappointment. I told myself that whatever happens, I'd take the position of complete disclosure. Chin up, I muster all the strength I can find. "Mr. Leland, thank you for seeing me. I understand your frustration and realize that this meeting is a gift." I pause to collect my thoughts and continue, "I won't take your time with excuses; I'm addicted to Oxycontin. I began taking it after falling into deep depression, following the break-up with the love of my life. I lost my way." As much as I tried, the tears still fell. I ignore them and talk through it. "I'm here at your mercy. I need to get my life back on track. That starts with becoming productive again, focusing. My job here was... is important to me. I would do..." He stops me by lifting a hand.

I await his response, but it doesn't come. His eyes are distant, entrenched in thought. Finally, he clears his throat and looks at me. "I appreciate your candor. Without going into detail, I know about addiction. Admission is a feat in itself. You have it wrong though; it doesn't start with becoming productive. It begins with getting healthy. Not just physically but emotionally. The road is an arduous one." He stands and I follow him with my eyes as he walks to the fully stocked bar. "Miss Thornton, can I offer you some water or coffee?" Okay.

"Water would be fine, thank you." Opening the mini fridge, he grabs two bottles of water and walks back over. He hands me one and sits in the chair opposite me.

Our eyes are locked. His green eyes are... empathetic? Maybe there's hope. After a few swigs of water he says, "You coming back to work here would raise a lot of questions - not only with other staff members but also the board. We have a strict substance abuse policy and don't think highly of an employee just walking out on their position." I begin fiddling with the cap of my water bottle. I should have known. Before I can thank him for his time he adds; "But these challenges are not insurmountable." Really? "You would have to agree to admit yourself into a treatment facility for rehabilitation. Only after we receive a clean bill of health would I consider you eligible for rehire." My heart is thundering. Am I hearing this right? Rehire? I keep listening. "Having said that..." He stands and walks to the door. Should I follow? "I cannot guarantee your position will still be available when and if that time comes."

I join him in the doorway. "I understand completely, sir. I've been considering some outpatient options, I'm positive I'll be able to return soon." I'm excited and am talking quickly. I can't help it.

"Kara?" Kara? I fix my eyes on him. "Please get help." I nod; of course. "Real help. Not the minimum to get back to work. You need to find somewhere that will give you the best chance of recovery. A recovery that is permanent. Take it from me; it's easy to slide backwards." The earnestness of his voice washes over me. He's right. "Don't hurry back. I have a hunch your position will be waiting for you." He winks. "Just let Janie know what you decide and your approximate return date."

Smiling, "Thank you... Allen." He smiles back and hugs me. Wow! I turn and walk out. I practically skip to the elevator. It could not have gone better! Lissy is going to be ecstatic!

** December 31st **

Destiny

The Starbucks is bustling, but I manage to find a relatively quiet table in the corner. With my coffee too hot to drink, it's a perfect opportunity to make a call I've been dreading. It's an internal battle between my loyalty as a friend and betraying her trust to protect her. It has to be done; the consequences of delaying outweigh the alternative. Shade will know what to do; I dial her cell. Three rings, she must be busy.

Her voice is hurried when she answers. "Is this my Destiny or her faithful sidekick?"

"Cute, lover."

"I thought so. Sec, babe." Yep, busy. This isn't the time. "Back. Trying to get everyone out of here early for New Year's; it's a bit chaotic."

"Figured. We can talk later," I say, the distress laden in my voice.

"Destiny, give me just a minute and you will have my full attention. It's important." As promised, she finds her way to a quiet place; probably her office. "Okay, lover. What is it? I don't like the sound of your voice."

"It may be nothing. No, that's not true, it's Kara. She seems fine mostly, but something is definitely off."

"Off how? Give me specifics, please."

"For one, her phone isn't just broken. She threw at something and shattered it. Also, when we're talking, she zones out and I have to bring her back. She's trying to cover it up but I think it even confuses her, scares her." Shade keeps quiet, listening intently. I remember something from earlier and add, "Today, at her condo, we were in a hurry to find some clothes and get to her meeting. But when we stepped off the elevator, she was spooked. I had to urge her along and after entering, she began walking around tidying up. It was just, well, strange is the best way I can describe it." I let out a deep sigh, on the brink of tears.

"Destiny, listen to me. You may have only known her a short time but you've become fast friends. Trust your instincts. From what you described, I'm quite concerned and I haven't been with her as much as you have. My advice would be to call Lissy." Yeah, I figured. Guess I needed to hear it from her.

"You're right. I should have plenty of time before Kara is through; I'll try and call now. Hopefully she'll pick up." Anxiety is setting in.

"Lover, you're doing the right thing. I know it may feel as if you're betraying her, but that's not the case. You're being a true friend and that's something she needs right now. Especially now." Wise, as always. One of the many reasons I love my woman.

"Okay. Thank you, Shade. I love you."

"You're welcome, honey. I love you too. I should be home by the time you two get back. See you soon." She gives me a loud smoochie and hangs up. I take a few sips of my coffee while I collect my thoughts, then dial. Lissy, please answer.

She does after the first ring. "Hello?"

"Hi Lissy, I'm relieved you answered." Not the best way to start.

"What's wrong? Is Kara alright?" Damn, I've worried her before I've even begun.

"Yes Lissy, she's fine." Wait, that's not true either. Get it together Destiny! Before she has a chance to ask more questions, I continue. "Lissy, I'm sorry. I really didn't think about what I was going to say before calling. Let me start over." Deep breath. "Kara's behavior is worrying me. One minute she's fine and the next she acts lost, confused even. I haven't called her attention to it, not wanting to add to her anxiety." It's noisy wherever Lissy is but she's silent. "I maybe should have called sooner but each 'episode' in and of itself seems normal considering what she's been through. All together though... well, I needed to tell you, get your thoughts and find out what I should do." I listen closely, she's crying. I had decided before calling to leave out specifics until we could talk in person; her reaction verifies it was a prudent choice.

"Destiny... thank you for calling. I know you're in an awkward position and that you care for her. I'm feeling guilty as hell for leaving. I saw it in her eyes before I left, I just didn't want to... I wanted to think she was better. God, I just want her back. My Kara." Lissy sniffles, fighting back the tears. I look up and Kara is coming through the door, huge smile on her face. I need to prepare Lissy.

"Lissy, Kara is walking up. Her meeting must be over, she looks extremely happy."

"Understand. Just put her on the phone, I'll take care of it. And Destiny? Thank you." Arms fly around me as she jumps up and down. I can't help but to join in. When she lets go, she notices I'm holding the phone out. Her eyebrows go up, questioning.

"It's Lissy." She shrieks. Oh geez. She snatches the phone from me and the joy begins to pour out.

"Baby! I love you! I mean like love, love you." Not sure how she can talk with how big her smile is right now. "Yep! It went fanfuckingtastic. He says if I get a clean bill of health after some kind of rehabilitation, I'm in like Flynn." She giggles and says, "No silly, he didn't use those words." Lissy must be going nuts on the other end. Kara's excitement is growing, however that's possible. "Mm hmm. I'm going to start looking for rehab programs as soon as we get back to Destiny's." She pulls me into a sideways hug, I think it's so she doesn't lift off the ground! "Oh Lissy, I can't wait to have you home. I want to..." She blushes. "Just get back here!" Another quick moment; "Bye, baby. Mm hmm."

Another shriek, more jumping. I'd say we should sit and have some coffee, but the thought terrifies me. Wink!

*** December 31st

Lissy

Okay, that phone call from Destiny was confirmation, in a way, of my worst fears - fears that had no real basis. Kara and I had only talked a couple of times since I'd landed Saturday. The first was fine. The one that followed was the reason I was at the airport this morning. Oh yeah -- about being at the airport. I hadn't told Destiny where I was, especially after Kara walked up to her. The two of them have gotten so close that I didn't think she'd be able to keep it from my blondie.

The conversation with Jenna wasn't a difficult one. When I told her what I wanted to do her face showed disappointment. She recovered quickly and told me she was in 100% agreement with my decision.

"I'm all packed, honey. Would you mind if we left now? I'm going to go standby. I have no idea when I'll get a flight but I figure the earlier I get to the airport the better my chances."

"No problem at all, Mom. Let me get Ella ready."

That was about it. The drive to the airport went pretty well; I really got lucky in the sense there was no snow falling. An airport is not the place for long goodbyes -- at least when you're in a car.

"Thank you for coming, Mom. I love my dress." She smiled. "So did Ian." I smiled as I nodded. My oldest kissed me. "You and Kara do whatever you have to. She's wonderful. I hope whatever she's going through doesn't make this love story of yours too difficult. Let me pop the trunk; you grab your bag and go." I turned and looked in the back seat. My Ella Bella was sound asleep. Jenna and I smiled at each other. Cars are fabulous baby sitters!!

New Years Eve -- I don't know what the hell I was thinking about doing what I was doing. But I'd done it and I would stay with it until I was back in Chicago and with my Kara. I stood in the interminable line that moved at the speed of sludge. I don't travel enough but my flight up and back was done online. I wondered as the line crawled if most of the people were like me -- making last minute changes that doomed them to... oh geez. I realized I had no idea what was in store for me other than this line.

I have to commend him -- the agent was very pleasant. I explained, without explanation, that I needed to change my plans at the last minute and get home. I acknowledged that I had no idea what all this entailed or (gulp!) what it might cost.

"Let's see what we can do, Ms. Stone. How was your Christmas?" Oh my!

"Well, I left Chicago last Saturday after spending a delightful Christmas with family and friends to come see my daughter, her husband and my granddaughter. It was wonderful; they moved here late last summer. We all miss them."

Never taking his fingers off the keyboard or his eyes off the screen, he replied, "My wife and I have much the same plight. Two of ours live out of state; one lives here." He shook his head. "It's a challenge to balance work and family, especially around the holidays." He looked up, smiled, and said, "I guess we're one version of a modern family." I laughed.

"I'm looking at the spectrum of what flights have available seats and what may be your best chance of getting something on stand-by. There's a 12:40 American that looks promising. The 1:05 on United isn't." He looked up at me and said, "If that doesn't work, there's a 2:30 on United." He shrugged. "We'll have to see."

"Do I have to go through this line every time?"

He shook his head. "Come back here; I'll take care of you." His eyebrows wiggled a little.

I smiled and said, "The woman I'm going home to would probably be upset if I succumbed to your charms."

"Um, well yes, of course she would." He studied the screen. "Go ahead and go to gate 27." He handed me a boarding pass. "If it doesn't work out, you'll come back here." He smiled. "We'll get you home today, Ms. Stone."

** December 31st **

Kara

The entire way back to Destiny's I was jabbering about my meeting. She's already learned it's best to just sit quietly and let me get it all out. When I finally reach the part about me hugging him, we were already opening her front door. Shade looks like she made it home moments before us; she still has her purse on her shoulder and keys in hand.

"Hi lover," Destiny coos. Aren't they adorable? They both drop their purses where they stand and embrace. Yes, lots of kissy face ensues. Sigh, I miss my baby. I try not to disturb them as I scoot past. "Kara!" I wince and turn back.

"Seriously sis? Why do you insist on scaring me?" It came out more agitated than I really am.

"Testy, testy." She sticks her tongue out and says, "You're coming with us tonight, right?" I have no idea what she's talking about, my mien echoing my confusion. "Didn't I tell you? We're invited to an exclusive soiree at Connie's. Only a hundred of her closest friends will be there." She snickers. "It's a wonderful way to bring in the New Year." I scrunch my nose; my bed sounds better. She adds, "Look, I may have presented it as a question, but it wasn't. You're going. I'm not letting you sit around and mope over Lissy. Plus, if you don't go, I don't go." Her lip goes out. Oh for shit's sake.

"Yeah fine, whatever. But I'm not getting dressed up and don't make me talk to anyone." I admit, I'm kinda relieved she's guilting me into going. Sitting here really wouldn't be healthy.

Shade smiles and asks me, "How did your meeting go?" Destiny grabs her by the arm and ushers her away.

"Uh uh. We need to get ready; I'll fill you in while we shower." She looks over her shoulder and winks at me. What a brat. First the kissing, now a shower? Thursday cannot get here quick enough.

Drip drying after my shower, I'm searching for something to wear. I rifle through my bag. I believe I have a few things still in there. Besides some extra panties and socks it's no help. Wait; the hair stands up on the back of my neck. I blink a few times; they must have been hiding in one of the creases. My hand shakes as I reach for them, sure it's a mirage. The two green pills are burning into my skin. Flush them Kara!!! I sit down on the bed, woozy. The decision seems so clear but all I can do is stare.

No! I can't do this again. I rush to the toilet, lift the lid and hold my hand over the bowl. Drop them!

I can't.

You CAN! "FUUUUCK!!" I slam them down on the tank and storm back into the bedroom. Grabbing whatever, I get dressed. I don't care; no one is going to be there that I give a shit about. What about Destiny?

Shut UP! Leave me alone. Oh god help me, I'm going crazy. Deep sobs overcome me and I fall to the floor. "Lissy, please come home. I'm not... I can't make it without you."

"Oh honey," she answers.

"Lissy?" I'm pulled to my feet and she holds me close. Why is it when someone hugs you, you cry harder? Is it the permission to let go? I do - let go. Her arms keep me from falling into the abyss that is my mind, my doubts and fears. She rocks me gently; I'm safe.

"Kara, sweetheart?" That's not her. I try to squirm away, she holds on. Oh no, let me go! "Kara! Stop! It's me!"

"Let me go!" I scream. She releases me enough to see my face, but keeps hold of my arms.

"Look, look, look! It's Destiny, honey. Shhhh." I am; I'm going out of my mind. Closing my eyes, I let all the air out of my lungs at once. "It's okay. I'll stay with you; we don't need to go anywhere. I should have thought about a party being too much too soon." She lifts my chin and caresses my cheek with her thumb. "Can I hold you?" I nod and she pulls me to her. Focusing on slowing my breathing, I relax in her arms.

"Destiny?" I whisper.

"Hmm?"

"I want to go to the party, really." It's an utter lie but a needed one. I won't keep her from going or let fear win.

She leans back and scans my face. Skeptically, she replies, "You don't seem like you're in the 'mood' for a party. I'm okay with staying home, promise."

"Well, I'm not! I let myself get overwhelmed but I need to face these things." I hold my head up in mock confidence.

Destiny's eyes narrow, "Humph. I guess, but I'm going to be watching you like a hawk. Any sign of anxiety and we're coming home. I don't suppose you wanna talk about why you were crying?"

Shaking my head I say, "Not now. I'm fine, or at least I will be. Let me get cleaned up and I'll be out in a few minutes." She reluctantly turns to leave.

Cold water on your face does wonders. I add some light make-up and blow dry my hair. May I make a confession? I can't stop thinking about them - the pills. I feel so damn weak. A spritz of perfume and I walk to the door. Just as my hand grabs the knob, I stop and go back. Fuck. Telling myself some pointless lie, I stuff both pills in the pocket of my jeans. Somehow it relaxes me, knowing they are there if I need them. Need Kara, really? Sigh.

When I reach the front door, Shade and Destiny are in a lip lock. A clearing of my throat brings giggles from them both. No, they don't stop kissing. It normally wouldn't bother me, but tonight it's making me anxious. I leave them and look for my coat and purse.

** December 31st **

Lissy

You really don't care about my travel travails; you just want to know if I got home. Well I did. It was a 7:30 flight on Delta and I was damn glad to get squeezed into a 'B' seat in the back of the plane. I had blown my diet on a Big Mac, fries and a Coke 90 minutes earlier when a promising seat vanished at the last minute.

Whatev!! I called... oh crap. I didn't know if Destiny or Kara would answer when I called the last number I had on my incoming calls.

"Hello?" It was Destiny; her voice sounded thin, hurried. I was walking from the plane, through the maze that was the terminal, heading to what I prayed would be an available cab to take me -- geezuz, wherever my Kara was.

"Hey Destiny; how's everything? Is Kara there? I just landed and am heading to the cab launching area."

"Uh, yeah, I'd say everything's okay, honey." I stood stock still. Destiny's words left me with chills. "Wait! You're here; in Chicago? How did you do that? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Listen you; tell me what the hell is going on. I came home on a wing and a prayer. I want to know -- is she okay?"

The response was rushed. "Lissy, we're at Connie's. Do you know where it is?" I felt panic sneaking into my soul.

"Pretty much, Destiny. Shade invited me to dinner there and Kara and I... okay, I'm next for a cab. I'm going to say goodbye and I'll see all of you... shit; whenever we... I get there. I'll explain everything when I see Kara. Bye for now."

The cab ride was miserable. It was clear the revelers were out on the roads heading to wherever they were going to ring in the New Year. The surface streets weren't much better. But eventually we got to our destination. I paid the fare, tipped the pleasant young man well, and wished him a safe and Happy New Year.

** December 31st **

Kara