Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 05

"Thanks, Jill. I appreciate what you're doing. There are a bunch of us here in ER in the waiting room."

She nodded. "I can see this is a woman lots of people care a lot about." A quick smile and she said, "I need to get moving. Your Kara is hardly the only one here tonight." It took every bit of restraint for me to not hug her.

I turned to find 6 pairs of eyes on me. I did my best to fake a smile.

"They'll let us know when they're done here and are ready to send her to a room. It's hard to imagine that they won't keep her overnight -- maybe longer." I shook my head.

"Mom, why didn't you tell us what was going on?" Blessed be the innocence of 20-somethings.

"Honey, I didn't want to wreck your New Years celebration. I'm sorry if you felt left out -- but that was my thinking."

June looked at my kid and said, "Baby, what Mom is saying makes sense. Let it go please."

I looked at the crowd and said, "Geez, I love you all for coming but this is silly. Go have some fun; it's New Years Eve."

A quiet voice said, "Destiny and I aren't going anywhere, Lissy. We may not have the proverbial dog in the fight but we're concerned. We're in this till the finish." Shade smiled and added, "I've spoken with Kelly, who may be here at some point tonight." Four faces looked at me, at Shade, and back at me. Shade smiled. "Mistress Kelly is someone Kara came in contact with several times. She's an important woman who holds considerable sway with her."

As you'd expect, Honey chimed in. "More than Lissy?" No one laughed -- not tonight.

Shade's tone was chilly. "This is hardly the time or place, Honey." I thought Honey might dissolve into the floor.

Eventually a room opened up on the 7th floor. They wheeled Kara out and we went upstairs with her. The horde sat in the waiting lounge while I stayed with my still unconscious honey. The nurse told me what they were doing but... shrug. I don't do medical speak. Kara's arm was bandaged; nothing more from what I could see.

"Why do you have her hands in restraints?"

"It's for her own protection. We don't want her pulling out her IVs. The scratches on her arm are superficial, but we'll go with the notion Ms. Thornton was intending to hurt herself until we actually speak with her."

That made sense. I smiled. The nurse turned back to a still sleeping Kara. Why did you try to hurt yourself, woman? How did things get so out of control tonight that you felt like you had to do that? What I really feared was that I was partly to blame for it all. I'd gone to Minnesota, come back, pushed her away, and then left again to eat. Well, talk to Destiny and eat. She needed to hurt herself after August and Michigan. Did I do it to her again?

God love her, a little while later Rachel came to join me. She pulled the other chair close to me and held my hand without saying a word. Mother and daughter sat together in a silent vigil for Mom's lover. What a long, strange trip it had been.

I was staring out the window when I heard, "Where am I?"

I got up and went to her bed. "You're in the hospital, Kara. Do you remember what happened?"

Kara felt her wrists confined, made a face, looked at me and asked, "What's this about?" Her eyes tear, the realization hitting her like a baseball bat. "They don't think... oh my god." I grabbed her hand. My lover's frantic blues searched mine as she pleaded, "Lissy, baby, please, no! I would never... I didn't want to. I just needed to know." Her voice trailed off as her eyes turned away from me.

I kept my voice low, trying to soothe. "Know what, honey?"

"I... I lost it. I thought you hated me." What?! Just stay quiet and listen. In the corner of my eye, I saw Rachel slip out. Kara didn't seem to notice, too fixated on her explanation. "You left me to go to Minnesota, you pushed me away when I was so excited you'd surprised me by coming home, and then you left again to go eat something." There was nothing I could say; these were irrational fears. I did the only thing I could think of. I stood, leaned over and pressed my lips to hers. It was the most tender kiss I'd ever given or received. In those few moments, trust me, no words were needed. If I could only bottle that kiss, my girl would never be sad again. Now who's irrational?

"These aren't exactly the type of restraints either one of us is used to is it?" She's an imp; I laughed.

"You are truly retarded, do you know that?" We both giggled.

"I hate that I messed up New Years Eve for you, Lissy. I heard voices; it was so weird. Kelly, Alexis, and other voices as well. Telling me to give up and not give up. Once I'd taken the first pill and the tequila I was pretty messed up. After I took the second one I could barely stand up. I'm not sure I even remember cutting myself, though I sorta remember wanting to put an end to all of this. The sense of confusion, disappointing you and Mistress Kelly, feeling more and more out of control - I hated it." The look in her eyes was sadness. They looked clear; she was focusing on me unlike before.

"Rehab is pretty much a given now."

Kara nodded. "Allen, my boss, Mr. Leland, said I would have to go inpatient and complete treatment before the bank would even consider giving me my old job back." She squinted for a moment. "He started out so formally; I was worried he was going to give me a polite brush-off." She looked away for a second or two and continued. "I got the feeling he, or someone close to him, had been addicted to something or other at one time. When I told him what happened to me the change in his attitude was noticeable."

** Kara **

I could feel her when she walked in the room. Instantly my hand begins sweating and I hold Lissy's tighter. She's standing next to Shade, her eyes piercing into me. Seeing my face drain, Lissy turns and stands a bit closer as they walk to the bedside.

"Lissy, let me introduce you to Mistress Kelly." Kelly's smile is reserved as she extends her hand. "Kelly, this is Lissy Stone." They shake hands delicately.

Mistress' tone was pleasant but tinged with ice. "Lissy, it's a pleasure to finally meet the woman who has captured Kara's heart." 'Chills' is the best way to describe what those words made me feel. No, it isn't news, but maybe it's the way she said it. The love I have for Lissy could fill a thousand hearts. She has mine and I know she always will whether we're together or not.

At some point I must have stopped listening, caught up in my thoughts. Lissy asks, "Honey, are you alright?" I nod and force a grin. Not convinced, she persists. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, baby. I was just thinking." The thought brings a real smile to my lips.

Lissy smiles back. "Do I want to know, lover?"

I blush. "I was thinking about how much I love you." After the kiss we shared a few moments ago this is hardly a revelation, but considering we are no longer alone her flush is understandable. I can't help it; the words just came pouring out.

She bends, gives me a peck and says, "I'm going to have a chat with Shade while you and Kelly talk." Part of me wants to grab on and hide behind her. On the other hand, I don't want Lissy to hear the lashing I'm getting ready to take. I'm ashamed enough as it is. Thankfully nothing more is said; they turn and leave.

I do my best to keep my head up, but as Mistress gets closer, it falls. My eyes are drawn to the bandage on my arm. I wish I would have thought to hide it under the blanket. Like she doesn't know?

Okay fine, it was just a thought.

"Kara, you will get no anger from me tonight." My head pops up. Really? Her fingers brush my cheek; I close my eyes for a second in response. "What you will get is a directive which you will follow without question." She is not someone you argue with. I listen, fighting back the urge to speak. "Shade is speaking to Lissy right now about some inpatient rehab facilities we've found that will adequately meet your needs. You will go directly to whichever of those Lissy decides." All I can do is nod and wait for the rest. Her voice is stern but gentle as she adds, "When you get there, you will do whatever they ask of you. No matter if you agree or not, understand or don't. Have I made myself clear Kara?"

I will NOT cry. I nod as I swallow hard and reply, "Yes Mistress, crystal." Her hand covers mine.

"That's settled then." Well, alright! Relief washes over me. "Now, let's talk about that beautiful woman who was at your bedside when I came in." We smile at each other knowingly. She's said her peace, I've agreed and we're moving on. The next few minutes I do my best to talk while blushing. We talk about times before the weekend in Michigan, happy times. It dawns on me - these are the thoughts that will carry me through whatever lies ahead these next few months. I need to focus on what Lissy and I had and what we'll have again. God, I hope we'll get back there. We have to.

My face is a mask; my body feels stiff as a board. Kelly's voice is soft and comforting

"Don't do this again, Kara. Go get well in rehab. Help them help you figure the puzzle that you are out. It may not be easy." She notices them come in and smiles. "But there's little doubt in my mind that your Lissy is worth the struggle."

** Lissy **

Shade and I found a semi-private room where we could talk. All 5 foot nothing of her hugged me; god love this woman!

When we separated and sat down Shade spoke. "Kelly and I have been on the phone looking for rehab facilities that can handle what Kara needs. There are several options; each of us knows people who have been in them. I have a list. You and I can talk tomorrow about the details and such. Are you staying the night here or coming home with Destiny and I?"

Isn't she amazing? Here I am in need of help yet again. A woman I barely knew less than 3 weeks ago was offering me her home yet again. How do you even begin to thank them, let alone think of repaying their generosity and kindness?

"What's Kelly doing with Kara, Shade?"

The smile was thin. "She's probably shredding her, while at the same time giving her hope. Kelly was most unhappy when I called -- not that I called, mind you, but that Kara and her problems were once again the reason for the call."

"Who is she anyway?"

Shade smiled. "She's a Domme; at least she holds herself out to be. I know her well enough to call when I need help but I can't say we're the closest of friends. Let's just say we both know people in some of the same circles."

I didn't know enough or care enough (at least tonight) to press. "It's impressive she came to see Kara tonight."

The smile was thin again. "Let's get back to the room. I'd pay attention to Kara's body language, even if she's in a hospital bed. You may learn a lot from her body language." Okay then.

** January 4th **

Lissy

It's been fairly frantic these last few days. Even after Shade and Kelly had narrowed the search down to only a few options, I still did my due diligence and visited each one. After Kara's meltdown and the realization that I had no clue how deep her wounds are, I wasn't about to make a knee jerk decision on the rehab facility. First and foremost, I had to ensure they not only offered help with her addiction but could help with the other demons she struggled with during her time with those bitches. And not only that -- it seemed she needed to deal with what had transpired with her time with Bette all those years ago. See, I'm not real happy with talking about that one right now. Kara's not the only one who needs to go back in therapy. Alexis/Bette fucked with more than Kara. I need help dealing with... well, I guess if you've been reading our story you know!

Acting on Shade's suggestion, I contacted Kara's HR people and let them know what was happening. It was a challenge to figure out how much to share with them -- but after she told me about her meeting with her boss, I figured the more I told them, the better she'd have of not just getting herself healthy but getting her job back.

May I take a moment to give you something of a personal perspective? Thank you!

Do you remember the chat I had with my Jenna? The one that wondered if we could ever get back to wh... us? I can't tell Kara -- really I can't. But it's been on my mind a lot these days. Coming back from Minnesota has been a revelation as well as a disaster of sorts. I had NO clue how much she leaned on me. Part of me loves that she did and part of me cringes -- especially given all of this. Can you understand??

Okay, anyway -- I was driving the two of us to the 90 day inpatient treatment facility in... the area. They had a separate facility for women and were 'LGBT friendly.' Unfortunately Kara would bear the brunt of whether that was true or not.

Blondie was subdued as we packed. She'd been resigned to going since her 'talk' with Kelly, but now that the day was here it seemed to be weighing heavily.

We had stopped once for gasoline, coffee, snacks, and a bathroom break.

We rolled up, as planned, about 3pm.

As we gathered her bag and things before heading in, I asked, "Are you okay, honey?"

As you might expect, she shook her head.

"I'm scared, baby. It's so many things... the hospital, not knowing what we'll find down the rabbit hole and what I'm most afraid of it..." Her chin buckled but she held it together as she finished her thought. "Being away from you for so long, especially... " I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant.

"I know, lover, but we both know you need time. Time to learn why; time to fix... whatever." I shrugged. "You know I'm going back to therapy as soon as I can. I just have to find somebody." Kara smiled.

"I'm going to miss you -- that's most of it." She looked down, shook her head and said, "I've leaned on you to be my anchor, Lissy, and that's not good for either of us." Oh my god! "I need to be part of us, able to stand on my own, for me and for you."

I smiled. "That may be the healthiest thing I've heard you say in quite a while you beautiful thang you!!" She biffed me.

Once inside, introductions were made, signatures were gathered, (most of the details had been handled online and on the phone) and a myriad of people were introduced. I don't know how Kara felt but I was overwhelmed. I felt her step closer to me and hold my hand. Oh good; she's as uncomfortable as I am.

The admissions director said, "Okay, Kara, if you're ready let's get you to intake. Say your goodbyes to Lissy. And be sure to give her your phone." We had talked about this, I think. Oh shit.

Frantic blue eyes looked at me. "What! NO!" she screamed. "I can't... you can't... did you know about this!?!"

I looked at Janny, a slender woman with a buzz cut, and asked, "How long is this phone ban in effect?"

"The first 30 days; it coincides with the no visitors ban."

Kara began to tremble. She hurried to the intake door and jiggled the handle. It was locked. Retreating to the nearest corner, she slid down the wall and pulled her knees to her chest. Her eyes were wild. "I can't do this Lissy! I thought I could, but I can't. Take me home... PLEASE!"

Janny looked at me and said, "Ms. Stone, do you understand the whys and wherefores?"

I nodded and said, "Not completely if you must know. But Kara is who's important." I walked towards blondie with my arms out. It was almost as if I was approaching a rabid animal, she looked that frenzied. My heart was breaking but I needed to be strong. I HAD to be strong, for her and for us.

When I reached her, she slapped my hands away and shouted, "YOU FUCKING BITCH!! YOU BETTER NOT LEAVE ME HERE ALONE!!"

My soul did flip flops as I said, "Kara Ann, you listen to me. If we are ever going to have a chance to be a couple, we both have work to do. It sucks that yours includes this." I waved my arm. "Give me the phone." She shook her head. "Blondie, understand something. If I leave here without the phone you'll never see me again."

May I tell you something? Those were the hardest words I've ever said in my life.

Dark gray eyes scorched me as she was deciding what to do. Finally, she reached in her pocket and handed me her phone. Thank God!!

Janny acknowledged me and the struggle with a nod and a smile. "Thank you, Ms. Stone. If the two of you want to say your goodbyes we'll take Kara to intake."

I sat on the floor beside her, held the woman I love and whispered in her ear. "Don't be angry, lover. You want to do this. Do it in style; your style. Get the work done, come home, get your job back, and let's get us right. Please!"

Her body was rigid as she nodded. I wasn't very hopeful.

Her voice was ragged, "I'm sorry, please don't hate me. That wasn't me." I knew it had been nothing more than fear. She slumped in my arms.

"You know as well as I do that this is EXACTLY what you need. You're just scared -- which is perfectly fine; which you also know."

We kissed; me tenderly, Kara -- not so much so. Whatever. I stood and pulled her up with me. Her arms stayed firmly around my waist.

I turned to Janny and said, "Thank you for giving us time to say goodbye."

Sympathetic eyes smiled and said, "You're very welcome. You can come visit after 30 days have passed. I trust you both have been given the details."

I nodded; indeed we had.

I looked at a frightened Kara. "I love you!!" No response. "Please never forget this is for your benefit and mine. That means it's for our benefit."

"Don't you do this!! PLEASE!!" The tears were now running freely down her cheeks.

I looked from Kara to Janny, who smiled as she nodded. Taking her hands from my waist and holding them gently in mine, I waited until I knew she was listening.

"You need to get to intake and I need to get home, lover." I felt my eyes fill; how could they not. I did my best to bury the raging emotions I felt as I said, "I love you!! Please do everything they tell you to so we can be... us!"

My legs felt like steel beams as I turned to leave. My stomach was in a tizzy as acid roiled. And we won't even talk about my eyes as I heard the woman I love scream, "LISSY!!! PLEASE! I'M AFRAID! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE." When I didn't turn around, she yelled, "I LOVE YOU!"

I love you too, Kara. I hope you understand the sacrifice I'm making to give you what I think you need. I sat in the car and cried hot, bitter tears. Was I doing the right thing? Do I still love her like I had? Can we ever get back to 'us'? The tears flowed unabated -- if you must know, they did when I typed this. If you love someone like I love my Kara, how do you not give everything you are to her - whatever that entails. The only thing I won't give her is... me.

Do you understand? I won't let her demons drag me down. I can't!! I can help pay for her inpatient stuff. I'm lucky that way. I have Dylan's estate behind me which has helped and is helping now. Anyways, that's where we are right now. I'll let you know how things are going soon, okay?

** February 1st **

Kara

Journaling has become part of my every day these past four weeks. I sit at my metal desk by the window and write... sometimes until my hand cramps. I fought it at first, thinking it wouldn't do any good but my therapist, Claudette, insisted. Turns out she was right.

I've written Lissy every day since I've been out of detox. That lasted one incredibly arduous week. Think four white walls, a cot and a blanket. It sounds cruel, but on the contrary it was soothing. Your body and mind spends 24/7 fighting itself. Claws trying to scratch and rip their way out, while a flood of thoughts and emotions pour in. Truly is hell on earth. Point is - the plainness of the room was welcomed. The last thing I wanted was any other type of stimulation. The blanket became my lifeline. I still have it. When Janny came to escort me to my room after detox, she smiled warmly and nodded when I asked her if I could keep it. I had hated her since she dragged me kicking and screaming to that very room on my first day, but we're friends now. She has a tough exterior but has shown me her softer side these past weeks.