Great and Terrible Things

"I'm a good soldier, but that doesn't make me good husband or father."

"It doesn't make you a bad one either," the ebony skinned man retorted. I wasn't sure I agreed, but I couldn't argue with Robert. There was no arguing that he was a good husband and father, despite being a former cavalryman.

"What happened with Thomas's father?" I was changing the subject, but after a brief pause, the sergeant major allowed it.

"Captain Harrington stayed and kept the peace until the county sheriff and circuit judge arrived a few days later. The captain also sent you his regards before leaving."

"He's a good man," I smiled, remembering the blond-haired man in his younger days. "It's soldiers like him that made me feel like I could retire and leave the services in the next generations hands."

"That he is," Robert agreed easily. "His men like and respect him, and that's not always the case in a colored regiment. You know how some of the white officers can be."

"None that served under me for any amount of time." I never had the patience for that type of officer. God knows I was no saint, but it always seemed short sighted for an officer to alienate his troops simply because of the color of their skin.

Maybe I had a different outlook toward race than most because of my former profession. As an officer, I judged the men under me all of the time. There were too many things far more important than skin color. Loyalty, bravery, and the willingness of a man to stand up for what he believed in and face death to do it. Those were the important traits for a soldier, a man too.

"You missed an interesting time of it," the sergeant major grinned, moving on. "Michael Murphy had a high-priced lawyer try and paint you as the bad man instead of his nephew and brother. You could have woken up in a prison cell if things had gone differently." I shook my head, but didn't comment, causing Robert to laugh.

"It wasn't as close as all that," he finally admitted. "There were too many witnesses, including Thomas Murphy, who surprised me a little by standing up and doing the right thing."

"That's boy would make a good soldier with the right training. He's got a good core despite the family name."

"I've been thinking the same thing," the sergeant major put in. "Although if I were you I wouldn't mention it in front the of the boy's father. You'll never be his favorite person, but I think he'll let things lie the way the judge decided assuming you don't do anything stupid and convince his boy to join up."

"Okay, I'll leave that up to you, when the time is right." We exchanged a conspiratorial grin.

"So, what now?" Robert asked in the silence that followed. "I mean once you've got your strength back."

"I supposed I'll continue on. I was supposed to arrive at me sister's Jenny's last week. I need to get word to her that I'm going to be late." My answer made sense to me, but it didn't sit right. I ignored how it felt and continued on. "After that, I'm heading back east to see my other two sisters and their families. I may even sell the family business if I can find someone to buy it."

I thought Robert was going to ask me why I wasn't going to visit Abigail, but the old soldier was too smart for that.

"And then what are you going to do?" He prompted. I didn't answer, mostly because I had no idea what to say. Robert only waited a few moments before continuing. "I expect that a man who spent the last sixteen years in the service, retired at your lofty rank and had a family business to supplement your income probably doesn't need to work." I didn't bother denying it. I wasn't truly rich per se, but I was well off enough to live out the rest of my days in comfort.

"I really don't know what I want to do after that," I admitted slowly. "I knew it was time to muster out. It was the right thing to do, but I'm feeling a bit lost these days."

"Lost?" the sergeant major frowned. "You've retired with money enough to do most things that might interest you. You're not a wet behind the ears second lieutenant. You're a man who's lived life long enough to know what you like and dislike. Tell me Josiah, what would make you happy?" He paused, probably more for effect than to give me a chance to answer before adding, "Or is the real question, who will make you happy?"

"Nicely done," I said slowly now that he'd made his point. "But you're forgetting one thing. I'm also old enough to know that not everything I want is good for me." It was my turn to pause for affect. "Or for the people I care about."

"Bah!" Robert snapped, obviously annoy at my stubbornness. "You're making this harder then it need be. Follow your heart man! It's the only thing that matters."

"Yes sir!" I snapped, making the old soldier laugh.

"Okay, I may have overstepped a bit," he said after he was done, his eyes still twinkling in humor. "But that doesn't mean I'm wrong."

"I'll think on it." It was the best I could offer.

"Good enough." Robert stood, having said his peace, he was ready to leave.

"You know, I still owe you for Trooper," I said before he could leave. "He was magnificent. I'm sorry he didn't make it."

"He went out the way a cavalry stallion should," the sergeant major replied, but then frowned and added, "Well, assuming he couldn't survive long enough to retire like some old soldiers."

"I still owe you," I insisted. "And you already figured out that I could pay. Name a fair price and it's yours." Robert looked at me in silence for a moment before nodding.

"You want to pay a fair price?" He slowly smiled as he watched me nod. "Then come to dinner at my home once you're on your feet again. My Millie wants to thank for saving our lives." The sergeant major had made his point once again, and he left the room before I could think of anything to say.

**********

It took me almost another two weeks to get strong enough to ride again and I was due at my sister Janey's once more in a couple more weeks. I'd eaten dinner at Robert's house more than once in that time. His wife Millie was a good cook. Not as good as Clementine, but the company more than made up for it.

Doc Jenson was quite the character for such a young man, but he knew his business. I would have died if not for his care. Clementine disappeared not long after our conversation. I was certain she was on her way back to Mile's side moments after she left my room. Those two would be married before the season was over. That much I was sure of.

A part of me had hoped that when she left and went back home she would tell her cousin that I didn't even remember what I said, and that that would make my Beautiful Abigail come back to me, but it wasn't to be. I'd made it clear from the beginning I wasn't staying. She'd be a fool to return and Abigail was many thing, but never that.

The closer it got to the time for me to leave, the more agitated I became. I wasn't even sure why. The people of Twisted River didn't help. They weren't unkind, but most either looked at me in awe or fear. The latter mostly from the hands from Murphy's ranch, but it amounted to pretty much the same thing.

The rumors of what happened had obviously gone around town. The only people who treated me normal were Doc Jenson and Robert. Even the sergeant major' family had a touch of hero worship in their eyes and let me tell you, it made me more uncomfortable than I liked to admit. I was many things, but a hero wasn't one of them, no matter what I'd ended up doing that day.

The morning sun was just rising as I rode out of town and toward my sister's. I wanted to avoid chancing a scene when I left. The way the town council was acting toward me they might actually have thrown me a parade if they knew I was leaving, especially ever since Jeb Williams was back on his feet.

I couldn't have that so I slipped out in the early morning hours. I'd had dinner one last time at Robert's the night before. He knew I was leaving today, but no one else. That was fine by me. Actually, it was the way I wanted it.

Okay, so maybe I wouldn't have minded seeing one strawberry blond, scar faced woman once more, but that wasn't to be. I'd deal, not that it was going to be easy, especially with me riding Domino. My beautiful Abigail had left him despite what happened.

The worst part was that I'd have to pass William's ranch on my way to my sister's house unless I wanted to detour around a mountain. Doing so would add a day or more to my trip. That's why I rode passed the ranch that first time so many weeks ago. Memories of that fateful day flooded my mind.

I'd been half asleep and it cost me my old horse Whiskey when he was startled by the rattlesnake and broke his leg. It struck me that I regretted the loss of the mount, but not much else that happened afterward despite what it cost me.

I stayed far away from the ranch as I made my way so I wouldn't be tempted to stop in on William and his family. Only, somewhere along the line I realized that I'd back tracked at least twice without really thinking about it. Domino seemed to turn toward the ranch of his own accord whenever I wasn't paying attention. I guess that made sense since it was its home for years. What didn't was that I didn't notice until we were almost upon it.

The sun was actually making its way toward the horizon when the truth hit me. I been out all day, meandering around a path that had taken William's family and me a mere four hours to travel on our way to Twisted River, and we'd had a wagon with us at that. I shook my head, trying to accept what it meant, but it wasn't easy.

"It would be rude to leave without saying goodbye." I knew I was a rationalizing, but I didn't dwell on it. Instead, I simply let the Domino lead me home. I didn't hesitate until the ranch was less than a hundred yards away.

"I never did pay Abigail our agreed upon price for Domino." My words sounded hallow, even to me. The problem was I couldn't make myself change direction despite knowing deep down it was a mistake. All I was doing was prolonging the inevitable. It wasn't fair to Abigail, but I needed to see her again, just once more, fair or not.

Abigail was in the corral training another horse, much like she'd been with Domino that fateful day I wandered in. Her braid lay between her breasts once more, distracting me for a moment, but her skill with the horse demanded my attention. Actually, everything about the woman did. Just the sight of my beautiful Abigail caused something deep inside of me to calm.

The first time I saw her I'd made the mistake of assuming she didn't know I was watching. I knew Abigail to well for that now. The strawberry blond was aware of me, but she didn't stop what she was doing. I didn't mind in the least. Just being close to her was enough. The sound of a rifle's lever being cranked made me smile.

"Hello Clementine," I said without turning.

"Why are you here?" the teenager began without preamble.

"I wish I knew." The answer was the complete truth, and yet a total lie. I knew why I was here. I just couldn't say it in words, at least not yet.

"Well, when you figure it out, you're welcome to come inside." William's voice had a touch of humor in it, but that disappeared when he added, "But not a moment before. Feel free to sleep in the barn though, if need be."

"Thanks." I meant it despite my smile. Honestly, it was a touch sad. Nothing had changed. I wasn't the right man for Abigail.

"Josiah!" The cry burst from a young voice in the doorway to their home. I heard the front door hit the frame. It was quickly followed by the stampede of approaching small feet. I couldn't stop the grin that spread across my face as I turned away from Abigail for the first time, but only long enough to catch Billy and hug him. Afterward, I turned with him in my arms and continued to watch his mother.

I'm not sure how long we stayed like that. Billy rambled on as children are wont to do, but I didn't mind. I listened with half an ear and made the appropriate noises when necessary, but honestly, I was too focused on Abigail and how I felt with her so close. Thankfully, the boy didn't notice, or maybe he did and he was okay with it.

"Men!" Clementine snapped after a while, coming over and taking Billy from my arms before bringing him back to the house. I missed the feel of the boy's warmth, but it was nothing compared to what the sight of Abigail did to me.

"You know," William said in barely controlled humor. "In your case, that granddaughter of mine might just be right." He laughed as he followed after Clementine and Billy. I didn't see the humor this time, but let it go.

I'm not sure how much longer Abigail took to finish with the horse, but I didn't mind. In fact, I felt a pang of regret when she was done. It was easier to stand there watching her and enjoying her company then it was to face the conversation we had yet to have. I needed to break both of our hearts and I'd hate myself for it afterward.

I was trying to get the courage up to say what needed saying when she came out of the stable and walked up to me. I opened my mouth, but she surprised me by reaching up and placing her fingers over my mouth.

"Not tonight," Abigail insisted quietly, smiling despite the oddness of the situation. "We'll talk in the morning." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't. Delaying this was only going to make it worse. I desperately wished that I was the type of man who could settle down on a ranch like this and raise a family, but wanting something didn't necessarily make it so.

"Abigail..." I tried to continue, but she kissed me, shutting me up for good. It was by far the longest kiss we'd ever shared.

"In the morning," she repeated as she slipped out of my arms and quickly disappeared into the house. I was too stunned by the intensity of the kiss to say anything before the door closed.

"You Josiah Mosey, are a complete and total fool." Domino, who I'd tied to the fence post when I first arrived knickered. I was sure it was in agreement.

I settled the Domino in an empty stall in the stable, rubbed him down and fed him before I climbed up into the loft to try and go to sleep. It struck me as odd that the moon was once more full, but then again, it had been a month since I was last here.

I didn't think I'd be able to sleep, but I'd been riding all day despite it being, for all intents and purposes, in a circle. Eventually my body insisted I rest despite what was going on in my head and my heart. I drifted off to sleep well after midnight.

I awoke instantly an hour or two later because someone was climbing the ladder to the loft. I pulled my Peacemaker, but kept my finger well away from the trigger. I had the feeling I knew exactly who it was. I wanted it desperately to be her. I dreaded the possibility it was.

Abigail stepped off the ladder and onto the loft. The first thing I realized was that she wasn't wearing men's clothes. She had on a skirt and a deep blue blouse that matched her eyes perfectly. If my heart hadn't already been beating a mile a minute, the sight of her dressed like that would have done it.

"You shouldn't be here." I forced the words out with difficulty. Abigail tilted her head momentarily, looking amused. I got the distinct impression she was laughing at me. I might have been annoyed, but in the current situation, that was impossible. It was a miracle my heart stayed in my chest at all with the way she was looking at me.

Abigail stood there and began unbraiding her hair, slowly. I watched, unable to hide my growing hunger for her. The strawberry blond smiled contently as she continued. Her locks were far longer than I guessed. They traveled almost all the way to her waist. That's when Abigail started undoing her blouse.

"What are you doing?" it was a stupid question, but did she really understand what she was doing to me?

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Abigail teased. It was then that I realized that this beautiful woman in front of me knew exactly what she was doing to me and what she wanted.

I saw the full length of her neck as it came into view and it sent a shiver through me. I groaned in response. That didn't stop her from undoing the next button. The small, pale curves of her breasts peeked free. They were still mostly covered, but even the sight of a small part of them had me stiffer than I could ever remember being.

"Showing me a glimpse of Heaven." It was the truth too. I'd been with plenty of woman in my life. Some of them almost as beautiful as Abigail and all of them without her scar. They all paled in comparison.

"More than a glimpse." The promise in her eyes pushed me past my ability to hold back as she pulled her blouse off. Her long, thick reddish blond hair covered her small breasts, but I was done. I lifted the blanket, welcoming her so that we could share our warmth. Abigail dropped her skirt and came willingly into my bed of straw, naked.

Our lips locked and her kisses melted any resistance I had left, not that there was any. Her scent was intoxicating and I couldn't get enough of her taste. My hands caressed her perfect breasts, gently squeezing the moans of appreciation from her. In time, she reached out and brushed her hands against my stiffness. A moment later she squeezed the lump in my britches.

"Oh my God!" The wanton desire in her voice was too much. I pulled off my clothes as quickly as I could. My need for her was so strong that I would have taken her right there and then, but something in her expression once I was naked made me pause.

"Are you okay?"

"Don't you dare stop!" Abigail cried, but there was a touch of fear in her eyes I couldn't get past. "I want this. I want you. I won't let that bastard ruin this moment!" Abigail was panting from a mix of fear and desire that I refused to accept because the former was far more powerful in that moment. I didn't want her to be afraid of me or anything I would do to her.

"No one is going to ruin this for either of us." The calm promise in my voice reached her. She let out a slow breath. "I need you to trust me. Think you can do that?"

"I do trust you," she insisted, a little more controlled. She met my gaze and let me see the truth there. "You're the first man I can truly say that about. I've never felt this way about another, not even my husband."

"Did he hurt you after he got back from the war?" It was an uncomfortable question, but one that needed an answer if we were going to get past this. He would not be the first man who turned violent in his love making after facing battle.

"No," she said, almost softly. "Jonathan couldn't... I mean, we didn't..."

"I understand," I interjected as kindly as I could. I hugged Abigail close. There was nothing sexual about it in that moment. "So, you were with your husband how many times before he left for the war?"

"Just the once," Abigail replied, blushing slightly, but no longer afraid to look at me. "And once with his so call friend."

"Hmm," I said thoughtfully. "And are you sure you want to be with me?" Abigail actually started laughing. It didn't quite turn hysterical, but it was a close thing for a few seconds.

"I'm a thirty-two years old mother and here in the loft of my uncle's barn with you naked, sneaking around like a teenager. What do you think?" It was a fair point. This time the laughter was shared, which made it far better.

My beautiful Abigail seemed much more like herself afterward. So much so, that when I instigated another kiss she came to me willingly. Her passion returned far quickly than I expected.

"I think," I said between kisses, once I thought she was ready. "That if you really trust me, then you're going to feel pleasure tonight that you've only imagined."

"Promise?" she teased, looking nervous, but willing.

"I'll let you be the judge." I left a trail of kisses down to her neck and waited until she moaned once more before caressing her breasts again with the palm of my hands. Her nipples stiffened slowly until they became hard nubs that I found extremely enticing. I rolled them between my fingers gently and she moaned again.