Junky Chronicles

Natalie abruptly got up, almost falling over she walked to the baby room. Devon knew at that moment that was where everything would truly engulf Natalie. She walked inside and sat against the wall, blankly staring ahead. "Let's go make coffee. I think she needs a moment," Kaz took Devon's arm and in complete silence they walked down. "Kaz, we can't keep feeding her that medication. She will never find peace if everything gets blocked out by drugs. She is a ghost of the person she used to be and she will never be the same again. We can't let the medication take the little that is left away."

Kaz shook her head in agreement, "I know," Kaz sighed, "I get it, okay. She isn't feeling, but what if she does? What if she feels everything?..." Kaz closed her eyes, she had never been a crier but these last few weeks had brought out a new side of her, as she pushed back the tears.

"We have an idea of what to expect and we love her more than anything in this world, which is all we need. Well that and an injection with the medication just in case things get out of control," Kaz wanted to laugh at that last statement it was funny, but she controlled herself. "Fine then. We don't give her the meds but I swear Devon, if she does something stupid..." she narrowed her eyes at him, as the kettle boiled between them. They walked back up with coffee, finding her in the exact same spot her head against the wall, staring at nothing, a teddy bear, crushed to her chest, with a complete blank expression on her face.

Natalie was looking, but she wasn't seeing anything. Her mind simply wouldn't take anything in. Nothing seemed to register. Natalie wanted more than anything for the medication to wear off so she could feel just one true emotion. Kaz and Devon came to sit beside her, Kaz handed her the coffee, "Thanks," was all Natalie said.

Minutes later Natalie began to talk, her voice distant and disembodied, "I remember how we argued about the color. Megan wanted a pale blue and I wanted a lime green," She laughed softly at the memory, her voice sounding more like it belonged to her, "The designer found a way to make both work. I remember how blown away we both were."

Devon and Kaz remembered that as well. They were dragged in for opinions and once the design was complete, Megan and Natalie were so excited they almost moved into the baby room. They sat there and drank their coffee, "I want to shower," Natalie said pushing herself up.

Natalie lay in bed after a fantastic shower, the picture of her and Megan together staring back at her from the side table. She stared at it, taking every curve, every color tone, everything, every feeling it brought to her memory. Natalie stood behind a naked Megan holding her large belly. Natalie's hands were on the belly and Megan's one arm covered her breasts and the other rested on Natalie's hand as they both smiled. She had no control over her tears, as she began to cry again, tears streaming down her face, she turned away from the image and it wasn't long when she drifted off to sleep.

Devon and Kaz stood in the kitchen, making something quick and small to eat. "I'll stay with her tonight; you go home to your husband. Michelle and I are fighting, so I don't want to be there," Devon said as he sighed deeply; "Why are you fighting?" Kaz asked looking at him, she could hear the pain in his voice, and Michelle added to that pain that was already built high and that angered Kaz slightly. "She feels that she is 'losing me to Natalie'." He said using his fingers to make averted commas "she claims that I'm always with her, and that our relationship suddenly not important enough," Devon said, bitter hurt in his tone

.

"Oh, Ben is right there. He's become some jealous freak. He knows how important this is, and he wants to go off... worried about our futures, and what this means for us," Devon could sense the irritation right there, "They were well aware that we were completely close when they came into the relationship and knew that when the one needed the other, we would drop everything." Devon nodded in agreement with Kaz's words. Michelle and Ben couldn't understand the true meaning of the loss. Alice walked in after checking on Natalie, "Fast asleep. What were you complaining about?" She said picking at the nuts on the table, "Irritating spouses that don't understand." Kaz said, the annoyance in her voice obvious.

"If you think that's bad, none of us has heard from Jess or Mia since Natalie woke up from her coma. They have disappeared. Okay, we get it, they lost someone they love, but I mean seriously Nat lost everything she loved." Kaz just darted her a look with narrow eyes., She didn't want to hear those names. After the last week, they had avoided their calls, didn't call, no text, and they hadn't been to the hospital in days. Obviously they had made a decision not to be a part of this, and walked away. "So much for true friends," Devon said, making Kaz grin beside him, "From my mind to your lips."

They walked into the room and saw that Natalie was awake again, for a moment they stood and watched her curled in a ball hugging a frame to her chest. Her body strained against the sutures, but she simply ignored the pain. It was Alice that took the first step as she wrapped her arms lightly around her. "Hey, I'm staying right here with Devon," she said. As she slowly rubbed Natalie's arm as if trying to ignite a warm glow in her that could or would never come.

Natalie appreciated it but hated that they put their lives on hold to take care of her as they circled around the bed eating pasta. It felt normal for a moment as they joked around slightly. "Take them. It will help you sleep. I promise it's only for tonight," Kaz coaxed Natalie into taking a pill, before she planted a kiss on her forehead as if she were a child and was gone.

Alice and Devon sat with her until she fell asleep and left for their separate bedrooms.

She felt the ripping of her throat open as a torturous scream broke through, letting out all the air in her choking lungs. She sat up straight breathing heavily as Devon ran in followed by Alice a little while later. She was soaked in perspiration, and sobbing loudly as Devon put his arm around her and leaned her against his chest. "Is she okay?" Alice asked still not making any step towards Natalie. He simply nodded as he ran his hand up and down her back. "Just a bad dream," he whispered, he made himself comfortable as she laid her head to his chest, Natalie listened to his heartbeat while Alice went to get another pill for her, as she drank it, Alice wrapped a arm around her. And just like that they fell asleep.

Chapter Ten: 03 July 2006

Natalie slept through the next day, only waking up to eat and take her medication. As agreed the calming medication wasn't given, so she slept, and she ate, and she took other pills, but eventually she could really feel. She could feel every ripping emotion inside of her, and it killed her more and more. As she just lay on that bed soaking in every emotion.

Thunder roared outside, matching Natalie's mood perfectly. Her mood as dark as the clouds, her tears ran down her face, like the rain that splattered on the ground. The angry rumble of the thunder matching her own anger at the world. The pain ,that could be streaked from lightening, felt like it hit her with every flash. Natalie had no choice but to get out of bed. Today would be the day of black she thought as she chose a black button down shirt, with a formal pants. She slipped into her formal shoes refusing the jacket offered. There was no amount of cold in the world that could make her feel as cold as she felt inside. Kaz helped her style her hair, making her look good. She figured she might as well look good one last time for the people that she loved.

Everything was to happen far from the house. She didn't want anyone in her space, she didn't want anyone to look at her with sympathy, to say how they are sorry for her loss. She re-attached the sling, with Kaz tightening it around her waist. "I don't know why I need this thing. I was shot in the chest, you know?" she said, with a single tone. Kaz darted her a look in the mirror, and rolled her eyes, "For today, try not to be a pain in anyone's arse, okay?" she smiled sarcastically at her, as she pulled on the sling one last time, "Was that meant to be a warning?" she thought.

They made their way outside as Devon pulled his car close to the door, Michelle sitting beside him. Not saying a single thing they slipped into the car and drove off in silence to the church. It wasn't long when they arrived at the church. The parking lot was filled with cars, news vans, and police officers trying to control the crowd, but there was always that one or two that by passed them. She heard them before they came close, as their shoes splashed in a puddle, with that distinctive sound of mud squishing under the soles of your shoes. Shoving the camera into her face to take her picture, she felt someone shove her, and then the reporter back, and she felt Devon's arm encircle her. "Miss Scott. How do you feel about the fact that you're a suspect in the murders?"

It took her a moment but when his words eventually settled in her mind. She stopped dead in her tracks turning to the reporter with a confused look on her face. "What do mean that I am a suspect?" she shouted over the pouring rain, "You are the only person who walked out alive, naturally you are a suspect. What was your motive? Money?" Natalie couldn't believe it. She had just lost everything that meant something to her and they suspected her of murdering her family, so brutally "Step back, and leave her alone!" Devon shouted shoving them out of the way.

Natalie didn't even take a second the moment the doors closed behind them. She turned to them with pure rage, tears streaming down her face again, "You knew they suspected me and you didn't tell me! They think I killed my entire family for money! Did any of you think how this would affect me if I found out this way?" Natalie broke down and couldn't continue. Too stunned to believe it, she fell to the floor, sobbing till her body gathered up enough strength to stop. They did know but how do you tell their best friend that she is a suspect in the murder of her family, which was practically destroying her. How do you add that to their grief? They all stood by the decision they had made, not telling her was a better option, rather she was pissed at them for not telling her, then for them telling her and making her believe they believed it.

One person after the other approached Natalie, repeating the same words over and over again, where it got to a point where Natalie blocked them out completely. "I'm so sorry for your loss"

She lost focus, forgetting everything and everyone around her. She didn't care what they felt. It's as if she could see it in their eyes, she was a murderer. That's what their eyes said. It was all that went through her mind they believed that she, Natalie Scott, was responsible for her family's deaths. That she was a murderer, yet they put on their masks and approached her.

She spotted Mia and Jess but not once did they approach Natalie, it occurred to her that they hadn't been to see her in more than a week. She felt a heavy sting of her earlier emotion welling up inside her. That simple anger, simmering on the top and getting close to boiling over. How could they believe that she was guilty? She thought as they walked right past her without a second glance.

Devon led her into the church where she sat right in front. The pews were hard beneath her, but that didn't bother her. Beside her was Megan's brother Dean, their hands entwined in comfort and support of each other. The rest of her family came, the family members that never bothered with them, never spoke to them. There was a feud she didn't understand, that she didn't care about. They all came, probably to make sure that the Scott family really was being buried that they really were gone for good. "That's what they are doing here", she thought, pushing out the sound of the ministers preaching. She never believed in God and after that day her belief diminished even more. "How could he stand up there speaking about her family as if he knew them? Speaking about the love they shared, and the memories that she would get to take with her. That they will always be there. Yeah right?" she thought.

She didn't see them anywhere. She hardly felt them close. Inside her there was nothing. "He was trained pretty well," she thought, as he stood there, saying words someone taught him to say. She sighed to herself as her thoughts continued running free, If God existed he would not have taken her entire family, Megan never hurt anyone. Their son never got the chance to even live, to breathe, he got nothing. Her family made some mistakes, but they didn't deserve this and neither did Natalie. She wasn't perfect but she didn't do anything to be punished this way and she didn't understand why God would put her through this. She wondered if maybe it's a test one that she was certainly bound to fail. The minister called her name. She almost forgot she had to speak. Slowly she rose from her chair and approached the podium. When the minister touched her shoulder, she wanted to jerk away. He could never understand and here he stood trying to justify what his so-called God had planned for her family. She stood there and looked at everyone, unaware of the tears trickling down her cheeks, but completely aware of the accusing and judgmental eyes that stared at her. The ones that hurt the most were those of Mia and Jess. Natalie began, her voice hoarse, her throat closing, she felt like she swallowed a grater.

"Its funny how tragedy brings people together. People who so openly hated my family and couldn't wait to discuss private matters with the media, yet they were the first to show up today. But that's not why we are here. Today we are gathered here to say goodbye to the greatest people I have ever known. The hardest goodbye I will ever say." Natalie looked over at the five coffins, she felt the sling strangling her, hoping that it would. "Their lives were cut short by an act of violence, inexplicable and unexpected. How do you say goodbye to the people that were your whole life? while you wonder why you weren't taken with them. actually I would give anything to be where they are now, to stand next to them. Yet, I instead stand here before all of you, torn away from the people I love."

She paused to form words in her mind. Taking a deep breath against her strained chest,she resumed, "My grandmother was always the rock of the family. A respected woman who raised a family with great values, she never backed down and whenever you needed her, she was there, to dry a tear, to support you or simply to laugh at a joke with you. My grandmother, grandfather and parents never missed a prize giving or a sporting event. They were always there to cheer me on, to offer support and to encourage me whenever I felt like I had failed. They never laughed at my dreams and did everything they could to help me realize them. My mother always had my back. No obstacle was too large for her to overcome or to help anyone overcome. My father was a giant, literally and figuratively speaking. He worked hard to continue building what my grandfather had started, always helping anyone who needed help. I remember the day Devon and I went to them and told them that I was gay. They were the first people I wanted to share it with. They never judged, there was no prejudice. They supported me and gave me advice whenever I needed it. They were proud of me, regardless of my sexual orientation. They never hid it and when someone made a comment they shot back. Never doubting me, they helped me grow into the person I was destined to be. Megan,"

Natalie felt as though Megan's voice echoed forever in her empty heart, "She was, no sorry, is my wife. We were so excited about the birth of our first child, planning the room, deciding on names and looking forward to having a family of our own. That dream was ended prematurely, leaving me alone, shattered and wishing that I could do something to change that night. She was the most loving, caring person I had ever met. She simply had that way about her that grabbed and held your attention. What I had shared with her I would never share with any person ever again. Our son, Logan, never had the chance to take a breath, but I hope he knows that he was loved and cherished. They all were, I would now like to play you a song." Everyone was crying at Natalie's words and her voice trailed off as she looked at Dean, Megan's brother. He was as broken and shattered as she was. The song started playing, Never Gone by the Backstreet Boys.

The service continued, but Natalie stopped listening, memories played through her mind. Megan's voice and eyes, her round belly. They were all pallbearers, as the coffins were carried to the wagon and they followed in the family car to the committal service. Behind them, were a string of cars probably a mile long and media vans everywhere, following each other in a funeral procession security stopped them at the gate of the burial grounds. The friends lined up, carrying the coffins one by one to their respective cenotaphs in the Scott family plot. They were to be buried next to Natalie's grandfather, first her grandmother, then her father, her mother, Megan and their son Logan. Natalie looked on as the coffins rested on the lowering devices underneath a large canopy that had been erected over the entire plot.

People gathered everywhere and Natalie stood between her friends, the emotions getting to her more than ever. This was where she realized that it was truly over, that she would never again look at their faces. The minister spoke his words, "... and to dust returneth." was the only part Natalie heard. The person held out the basket with flowers petals to Natalie. She grabbed a handful and the bearer followed her as she started at her grandmother's cenotaph and proceeded to her wife and son's, after some other people let the petals fall on the grave Natalie was given the shovel. Throwing sand on each coffin, the sound of it smacked against the wood. When she reached Megan's coffin, she stood there, too lost in her own emotions to move. She was sucked right into the hurricane of her life. She lost every ounce of control she once had. She began to shout at the top of her lungs. No one came to stop her. Kaz and Devon stood back watching and waiting as every emotion seeped out of Natalie.

"Why did you leave me here alone? Why couldn't you stay? Now I am left here all alone! How am I supposed to breathe without you if you were my oxygen? WHY?!" each word burned through her hoarse throat, cracking and breaking, She threw pile of sand after pile of sand onto the casket, falling to her knees, she looked over at her unborn son. Wiping tears away from her face if only for that moment, she knelt on her knees between them. She picked up a handful of sand and let it slip from her fingers as slowly and tortuously as they had slipped from her own. The gravel hitting his casket with a quick brisk sounds that echoed. She felt her friends kneel beside her. They stared down, and for the first time, she saw Devon break down completely, over their son's casket. He was the only person Natalie would ever have asked to donate sperm so she and Megan could start a family.

People began to leave but Natalie remained until the last cenotaphs was filled, she placed a rose carefully as her friends stood by and waited, on each grave, reciting the words of the song she dedicated to them. "Never gone, never far, In my heart is where you are, Always close, every day, Every step along the way, Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye, I know you will be forever in my life, Never gone." Her eyes slowly passed each as if she were taking in their faces for the last time, "I love you," she whispered as she walked away.