Karma

They were grabby, impatient and always looking for something. Joe just kicked back and seemed completely relaxed at all times as if he knew whatever he wanted would come to him. The first week I would go down to my place after I did the dishes, but one night Joe asked if I wanted to watch the Sox game with him. We sat on the couch watching the game and laughing as Joe mocked pretty much everything the players did.

I could tell he enjoyed the company and I did as well. If there was no game he would rent a movie which is where I discovered he had a fondness for old really bad sci fi and horror movies. I would make popcorn and we'd sit around and like with the games he would have a running commentary that was more entertaining than the movie. He'd shut the lights off and while sharing the popcorn would sit close to me.

He never touched me, but occasionally, and more so lately, I kept wondering if he wanted to and if he did I may not mind. Two nights ago he had yawned and stretched, his arm going behind me and I had exclaimed, "Wow, that old move?" Joe had blushed redder than I ever did and stammered he wasn't trying to do that. During the rest of the movie I'd wondered if he really hadn't wanted to, or I had actually caught on to it.

That night I'd had what could really only be described as a wet dream about him doing a lot more than putting his arm around me on the big comfortable couch. I'd woken up feeling guilty, but more than a little horny and for the first time in a long time, slipped my hand between my legs and eased the tension so to speak. I'd tried to focus my thoughts on Rob who had been pretty good to me in bed, but he was quickly replaced by Joe.

A girl in one of my classes had told me she had dated a guy in his thirties and raved about how good the sex was. How older men knew what they were doing and took their time and were thrilled to be with a pretty young girl. With a start I realized my nipples were hard and tried to tell myself it was from standing in front of the freezer.

"Don't be a pig." I said aloud. "He's a good guy and doesn't see me that way."

I rolled my eyes as I was now telling myself what I kept telling others. Trying to get my mind off my inappropriate thoughts, I decided I would grill and closing the freezer went to open the fridge to look for the steaks Joe had bought a couple of days ago. I jumped when my phone vibrated against my chest. I had it tucked into my bra and when it went off again, the sensation of it against my nipple caused me to gasp. Yup, it was time to think about dating again.

I pulled the phone out and seeing it was Joe answered, "Everything okay?"

"Yes, why?"

"Because you always work until six and never call until you're on your way home. It's only a little after five thirty."

"Wow, am I really that bad?"

"You're pretty predictable."

"Oh, really? Well I'm about to prove you wrong young lady. Did you start cooking yet?"

"I was just about to, how's steak on the grill sound?"

"How's Victor's sound?"

"Victor's?" I pursed my lips as I thought, "They're too uppity to do take out."

"Careful, I know the uppity owner." Joe said, "But not take out, I mean take you out."

"Take me out?" I felt my heart start to beat faster, "Um, like some kind of date?"

I felt like an idiot as soon as I said it and he didn't make me feel any better.

"No, no!" he said quickly, "I...I just...it would be nice to get out. It's been a long time since I went to a nice restaurant with someone other than a client."

"I know," I lied, "I was only messing with you. I didn't really think you were a creepy old guy."

"Thanks." He sighed, "Tell you what, creepy is fine, can we leave out old?"

"Okay creep." I laughed.

"Anyway how about I get us a table for seven thirty?"

"I don't have anything I could wear there. That place is kind of fancy for a sundress or a jean skirt."

"You have something you can wear." Joe told me, "It's on your bed." He laughed, "You're predictable too, you're always upstairs."

"You bought me a dress?"

"Sure, I figured you could use something nice and well, it hit me that I've never seen you dressed up."

"You want to see me dressed up?"

"Are you turning parrot on me?" he asked, "Let's try this; Joe, you're the best looking guy I know! A man amongst men!"

"Sorry, I don't think I could get that out without laughing."

"Had a hard time myself. So what do you say?"

"Sure I guess. I just don't get why."

"Tonight's kind of special to me and I don't want to just stay home and I would love some company."

"Then why not you know, go out with some women who..."

"Women my age bore me. And we've been over this; my reasons for not dating are mine." He had gotten a tone, the same one he got whenever I brought up the subject of his not dating. "Karma, can't you just say yes like most girls would do when they get a chance to be treated to a nice dinner?"

"Okay, then yes."

"See was that hard? I'll be home by six thirty and we'll head out okay?"

"Sounds good."

"Great and Karma?"

"What?"

"Thank you."

"For what?" I asked, confused.

"For more than you know."

*****

"So let me get this straight," I began, pointing across the table at Joe, "I dress up and you dress down?"

Joe looked down at the plain short sleeved black polo shirt he was wearing to go along with a pair of grey Dockers and shrugged, "You always see me dressed up and you never are so I figured we'd switch it up tonight."

"You switch something up?" I laughed and reaching out tapped the bottle of red wine on the table. "How much of this have you had?"

"Two glasses," he grinned, "So two less than you."

"It's really good!" I giggled and could just imagine my face becoming as flushed as the red dress Joe had left on my bed for me.

"Good." He smiled, "I'm glad you're having a good time."

"A great time!" I exclaimed.

Although my great time was most likely enhanced by the four glasses of wine, it really had been an amazing dinner. The dress Joe had bought for me was long, but had a slit that went more than halfway up my left thigh. It was a little lower cut than what I would normally wear, but not to the point it was inappropriate. The first thing I had thought when I put it on was that it was a dress a woman would wear, not something a kid like me would normally be seen in.

"I am as well." He lifted his wine glass and reaching across the table tapped it against mine. "Here's to good food, better drink and absolutely beautiful company."

"No," I waved my hand at him, "I'm not beautiful." I giggled again, "Cute maybe, but I'm not all that."

"Trust me Karma, you are beautiful."

I felt my face grow warmer and knew this time it wasn't just the wine. Figuring I was wearing a nice dress, I put on the diamond earrings that had belonged to my mom and had put on makeup. Normally I wore hardly any, but tonight was wearing a shade of lipstick that perfectly matched the dress and had added some blush, not that I needed it at the moment. I curled my long lashes and was even wearing some eye shadow.

"Thank you. I don't think anyone's called me that before."

"No? What do they call you, hot?"

"Nah, usually they call me skinny." I laughed, "Or stuck up frigid bitch."

"You're not frigid, just a good girl."

"I guess." I shrugged and staring at the way the shirt hugged his arms and shoulders thought that I was not exactly feeling like a good girl at the moment.

Staring at the half full glass in front of me, I figured it was time to quit. I rarely drank and the wine was hitting me hard. If I drank anymore I might say something stupid.

"Desert?" The waiter asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

"I'm all set." I said.

"Me too, but I'll have some coffee."

"Would you like a cup as well Miss?"

"No thank you."

The waiter nodded and as he hurried away I sat back in the chair and sighed. This had to be the nicest place I'd ever been too and the food had been delicious. As usual Joe and I had chatted away, but even though he seemed to be in a good mood he seemed at times to be somewhere else and sometimes when he looked at me his eyes seemed to have a strange look in them as if he wanted to say something.

"Are you enjoying yourself tonight?" he asked.

"Can't you tell?" I asked. "Tell you what, when I finish school and get a good start in advertising I'm going to eat at places like this all the time! Its amazing."

"It is, but its not the food, it's the company." He tapped the table, "You see it's never about the place, but about the people. Two people who have everything you could imagine could be in a place like this and feel nothing," a wistful smile appeared on his face, "But two people who have nothing between them but the enjoyment of one another can have an amazing time anywhere."

"That's pretty deep." I smiled, "The wine making you philosophical?"

"No, just the day I guess."

"What do you mean?"

"Well..." Joe paused as the waiter put a cup down in front of him along with a creamer and some sugar. He reached for the cup, but taking it and the sugar said,

"Let me, I'm a professional remember?"

"Okay, you make it better anyway, in a variety of ways."

I avoided looking at him after that remark and wondered what he meant. Was he flirting? Nah, more effects of the wine. "So what did you mean by the day?"

"Today would have been my twenty fifth wedding anniversary."

"Oh, I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say and used the act of pouring cream and stirring his coffee as an excuse not to add anything.

"Don't be." He took the coffee from me and after taking only a small sip said, "Its hard Karma."

"I'm sure it is. For me Mother's day was the worst."

"I can imagine. You know I'm pretty confident and feel I'm the take charge make my decision and live with it type. But tonight is confusing."

"What do you mean?"

"When the Doctors decided to stop Laura's treatment and we knew the end was close, she made me promise her that I would at some point move on. That I was too full of life to mope all the time and to spend my life alone."

He started to raise the coffee and with a frown put it down, "I...I don't feel like finishing it."

"Wow that's a first. I should call CNN."

Joe gave a weak smile at my joke and with a somber expression that seemed unusual on him continued, "All the years we were together I never lied to her about anything, even little things, but I feel as if I lied to her about that. I do still enjoy life, but not in the way she meant and I...I am lonely." He gave me a sad smile, "Well I was anyway, and you've been very good for me Karma."

"No, trust me;" I tapped my chest, "You've been far better to me. Joe, you letting me live with you is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I wish I could thank you somehow."

"You do every night we have dinner together. I know you think you have the better of this deal, but it's more even than you know. I look forward to coming home for the first time since Laura passed. I love sitting with you and listening to you talk and joking with you. I feel like there's life in my life again. So never think you owe me anything."

"I still think I do."

"Then that's something you need to work out with yourself, because I know you don't. Especially coming out with me; I'd forgotten what it's like to sit across from a pretty woman."

"Thank you." I laughed, "Pretty I'll take, Beautiful sounds like pillow talk."

"Really? I'll write that down then I'm badly out of practice, but that's the problem. As much as I am enjoying the night, I feel like an asshole, out with a woman on what would have been our anniversary."

"But she wanted you too and she didn't want you to mope." I pointed out, "And I think if you were home tonight you would be moping. Besides, it's not like I'm a real date or anything." I shrugged, "Just friends having dinner."

He didn't answer right away, but instead his eyes stared into mine. I could see they were a little bright from the wine, but I'm sure nowhere near as bad as mine were. I returned his stare and again felt as if he wanted to say something. He blinked and pushing the coffee aside poured another glass of wine.

"Right, good friends." Raising his glass again he said "To my best friend."

"Really?" I clicked my glass to his, "I'm your best friend?"

"I think you are, if nothing else my closest."

As I took a sip of my wine trying to go easy, he chugged his downing more than half before stopping.

"So," he said putting the glass down, "Seeing as how we're such close friends, how about you answer a question for me?"

"Okay."

"What's the story behind your name?"

"It meant something to my..."

"Oh, please." He cut me off, "I've heard you say that to other people, "I thought we were good friends?"

I frowned, it's not that I didn't want to, but sometimes talking about mom got to me and Joe was already kind of down; he didn't need me getting that way. But he had been so good to me. Picking up my glass I finished it in several long swallows. I blinked as the alcohol went straight to my head and carefully placing it on the table got an idea.

"Okay. I'll tell you, but on one condition."

"Oh, and what's that?"

"After I tell you, you have to answer a question for me."

"What question," he narrowed his eyes.

"For me to know and you to find out," I giggled, "So like you told me when you taught me to play poker, you in or you folding?"

"Oh, playing tough girl are we?" for the first time in awhile his smile seemed genuine. "Okay, I'll see your bet, but I'm calling."

"Fine." I folded my arms on the table and leaned forward in order to speak quietly.

That move pushed my small breasts out and Joe's eyes immediately went to them. He looked away quickly, but I felt a warm sensation that had nothing to do with wine at that fact he had looked.

"My mom had a pretty rough life. Her father was an alcoholic and beat her mother to the point the police arrested him. Her mother wasn't into drugs or booze, but was pretty messed up and really had no idea how to take care of her. They had hardly any money and mom told me she was pretty sure her mother..."

"Wait; shouldn't that be your grandmother?"

"Mom said to never refer to her that way. I never met her and I think Mom blamed a lot of what happened to her on her mother. I'm not even sure if she is alive, I don't even know her name."

"Sorry." He sighed, "That's the problem with having a good life, you ask stupid questions."

"Not stupid, grandparents are a normal thing; mom just didn't have a normal life. Anyway she ran away at thirteen and you can imagine the rest. She started drinking and smoking pot. Screwing around with guys older than her and eventually got into coke and after that heroin."

I paused and looked at the nearly empty bottle of wine. Joe saw me and picking it up poured the last of it into my glass. I hesitated for another moment before picking it up and sipping at it. When I moved my arm, Joe reached out and put his hand over mine like he did in Panera the day he asked me to live with him. That time though it was comfort I'd felt. This time it sent a pleasant tingle through me and I swore no more wine, no matter what.

"Mom started living with different dealers trading sex for drugs and well, you know, ended up being a prostitute. She told me some of the things she did and..."

"Why would she give you details?"

"To drive it into my head to never let it come to that for me. To get to the point you would do something that humiliating. Mom said there were times she was in tears while, you know..."

I trailed off as I felt my own tears beginning to build.

"But she did it anyway because she was an addict. In the beginning she would always swear it would be the last time. After awhile she said she gave up pretending and started doing more drugs which meant she was doing even worse things for them." Swallowing back my emotions I added softly, "I...I was going to go down on Hal. I was so scared of what would happen if I didn't, but I thought of my mom and I know she can still see me and that's what stopped me."

"You did the right thing." He squeezed my hand, "And that's why things are better for you now." He winked. "Karma."

"Right." I looked at his large hand over mine and deciding I didn't care how it looked, turned mine over so were now holding hands.

Joe looked surprised, but made no effort to move.

"Mom ended up with a dealer slash boyfriend slash pimp and got pregnant. The guy told her to get rid of the baby that he would leave if she didn't. Mom said she didn't care so much about that, but instead thought who the hell was she to have a baby, she was under eighteen, but had already done so many drugs she looked like she was in her thirties. She had track marks and scabs and cold sores and..." I stopped, "I...I'm sorry."

"No, its okay." He placed his other hand over ours. "I'm happy to hear what no one else has."

"It's not a happy story." Using my free hand I picked up a napkin and dabbed at my eyes hoping my make up wasn't running.

"But it's your story."

"And this is about where I am about to come into it. Mom knew she wasn't worthy of having me and thought the best thing would be to not have me rather than have a baby born addicted or lose it. She went to a clinic and they talked to her about carrying me and giving me up for adoption. They told her they could get her help for her addiction, but she insisted on the abortion. She had no parent with her, but did have a fake id that the clinic either believed or just figured it didn't matter."

"They gave her an appointment and she showed up, but had to wait because there was an emergency and they were short staffed. While she was sitting there Mom said a woman started talking to her asking why she was there. Mom told her and she asked why she would want to give up her gift? Mom's answer was only bad things had ever happened to her and she didn't want bad things to happen to her baby because of her."

Joe nodded, but I saw him looking to the left, I followed his gaze and saw an older couple two tables away staring at us. The guy was grinning, the woman frowning in distaste. I started to move my hand and Joe said simply, "Screw them. If I cared what people thought I'd stop telling crappy jokes."

As always that caused me to smile and now it was me who squeezed his hand.

"The woman told Mom that wasn't the way to think about it. She told her, that she was right bad brought on more bad, but if that was the case wouldn't good bring more good? Mom told me she wanted to tell the woman to mind her own business, but there was something about her that made her want to listen to her. She told the woman the problem was there was nothing good about her. The woman put her hand on her stomach and told her there was something good inside her right now and that good would bring more all she had to do was give it a chance."

"Mom said the woman then said she had to leave and just like that got up, but before she left she told my mother, 'I already know what you're going to do and so do you.' and left.

"Who was she, she work there?"

"I have no idea. Mom said she went back to the clinic a few times, but no one knew who she was talking about."

"I take it your mother listened."

"She did, when they called her name she went into the room and when they told her to get undressed she started crying and said she changed her mind. They were thrilled and got her into a home for women in her situation and got her clean. Mom never had another drink or touched any drugs since. When I was born she named me Karma because I was the one good thing she did and became a better person because of me. She didn't just stay clean, but went back to school, got a degree and had a good job before..."