Karma

I stopped to get a grip on myself. "She said every day after she made her decision was a blessing and she did everything she could to enjoy her new life and make sure I would never go through what she did. Before she died, I kept saying she was too young, but her answer was she had lived twice as long as she should have and it was all because of me."

I gave up saying anymore and putting my head down, pressed the napkin to my eyes.

"That's a sad story, but a beautiful one." Joe said softly, "Your mother was right; she beat the odds and left the world something wonderful to remember her by."

"I just wish she were here." I said in a choked whisper. "I need her."

"Life always gives us what we need." Joe said, "But it's up to us to realize what it is and use it."

"Have you found it then?" I asked.

"I think maybe I have." He said quietly.

"What is it?"

"I don't want to jinx myself," he gave me a nervous smile, "You know me; I don't like to change things up."

"It would change things?"

"That would be an understatement." He said more to himself than to me.

He didn't say anything else and trying to get my mind off of my mother I said, "Okay, well you saw my hand, you ready to show yours?"

"That Karma, is a more loaded question than you think."

"What's that mean?" I tried to meet his gaze, to see if I could figure out what he meant.

"What's your question?" he asked, his eyes avoiding mine.

"Why no one?"

"Why does everyone ask that?"

"Because you're a good looking guy with a good heart and a great personality. You have too much going for you to be alone."

"Don't forget my sense of humor."

"Let's stick with good heart and good looking." I grinned.

"You think I'm good looking?"

"For an older guy." I winked.

"Ouch."

"Kidding, I think you're very attractive." That wasn't a lie; he'd been getting more attractive the longer I lived with him and was looking damn good tonight. "Quit ducking the question and don't give me you work a lot or they're out for your money. Like you told me, I want the real story, I deserve it after that."

"You do." He took a deep breath, "Just understand it's hard because it's a little embarrassing in a way."

"So is eating at a soup kitchen, but you told me that didn't matter."

"How old are you?" he frowned, "You sound like a wise old lady sometimes."

"Answer." I tapped my long red nail on the table.

"For the answer we have to go way back to high school which is when I met Laura. We were sophomores and I sat next to her in geometry. She was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen and I would blush every time she looked at me." He smiled at the memory, "but she would do the same. Not sure how you kids do it now, but back in that day it came down to having a mutual friend ask if the other person was interested. I sent my best friend to ask Laura's best friend. Her answer was only if he has the balls to ask himself."

"Fortunately I did have them and we went out to a movie and just kept going out from there. I had a part time summer job at my grandfather's company and saved my check for three weeks so after the winter ball I could afford a motel room that an older friend rented for us. We had friends covering us for where we would be and our first time was that night."

"That's sweet."

I smiled, but felt a little envious envisioning my first time with Roger in his room while his younger brother sat out in the living room blasting music and watching out for his parents. It had lasted all of two minutes and all I had gotten out of it was a little pain and a sticky mess all over my stomach. That and his little brother chanting 'you guys had sex' over and over.

"We were both forty four when she died and had been together for just shy of thirty years. During that entire time there was never anyone else. She was the only woman I wanted to be with." He stared at me as if waiting for me to say something. When I didn't answer he continued, "Thing is Karma she was the only woman I have ever slept with and ....I've been too nervous to be with anyone else."

"What? You nervous?" I shook my head, "That is hard to believe."

"It's not just nerves, but missing her. Think about it she was my lover for longer than you have been alive. We knew everything about each other. Knew just what the other liked and didn't like and it wasn't just about sex, the way I would hold her. I couldn't imagine another woman ever feeling that way."

"Maybe not that way, but you could find someone who feels good." I pointed at him, "You just have to try."

"You don't think I haven't?" he rolled his eyes. "Just because I don't take Maria up on her free lunch offer or talk about it doesn't mean I haven't gone out with anyone."

"So you have tried?"

"That's what I just said." He said with an edge to his voice. "Not for the first year. After all our time together it wouldn't have been right to have another woman in our bed." He paused and laughed, "Shit, I felt so bad about that I bought a new bed and changed bedrooms."

"There was a woman I'd met at a net working seminar. A couple of years younger than me, attractive, sweet. We went on a few dates and she invited me up for a drink. We started on the couch, kissing, petting, a little fondling." He was now making it a point not to look at me. "Everything was working okay at that point shall we say and I was feeling nervous, but pretty good."

"We moved to the bedroom and undressed and....as soon as I tried, I lost it, I just couldn't. She, well let's say she tried to help, but nothing. Then I got embarrassed and when that happens to a man it's not easy to shake off. She was good about it, said she understood and how about we try again another time. Next time was at my place and same thing. I got closer this time, but just kept thinking 'what do I do, how should I do it?"

"You don't forget." I joked.

"No, it wasn't that it was just all that time one woman, what if I couldn't make this one happy, what if I wasn't any good? Or what if she didn't make me feel good? Laura liked this, would she? Any way you start thinking and it's all over. Long story short by the third time it happened she was done being patient."

"I've tried with two other women since and same thing. I'm interested shall we say in the beginning, but when it comes down to it, I just....I think of her and feel it's wrong, or remember what happened and nothing. Understand women my age are not patient." He laughed, "All that milf cougar porn is not far off, women my age want a guy who can take charge and they don't want to have to teach."

"Have you, you know," I tried to choose my words carefully, "Tried taking anything?"

"Thanks for embarrassing me." He grunted, "But yes I did. Thing is that only works if the desire is there. It doesn't help with nerves." He laughed, "Big one controls the little one you know."

"Have you talked to anyone?"

"Professionally? No, but I did confide in a good friend. His suggestion was a prostitute. His theory was I could just lay there and let her work for it as he said, but I'm not going to do that. I read some stuff online about sexual surrogates, but all they are, are prostitutes that take Blue Cross."

"So you don't date because you..."

"Because I can't do anything else and its getting more and more frustrating. I know she would want me happy, but I just can't meet someone I'm comfortable with."

"Maybe you need to give it more time with someone, get to know them better."

"Back to the patience thing again and at this point it's mine as much as theirs because I do want to, just can't seem to," he shrugged. "Break the ice."

"If you could once do you think you would be okay?" I asked staring down at our hands.

"I would think so. At least I would know I could." He slid his hand from mine and I saw the waiter approaching.

"Anymore coffee or change your mind on dessert?"

Joe gestured to me and I shook my head.

"Me either, just the check" Joe told him.

When he walked away Joe laughed, "Know why I never have desert?"

"No, why?"

"Because I never have dessert, ever, and it seems to be a problem for me to ever do anything differently."

"Then that might be your problem." I snapped my fingers. "Being with another woman isn't just about your wife, but about it being someone different. You need to start making changes, and then maybe that will get better."

"Thank you Doctor Ruth." He said with more than a hint of sarcasm. "Having desert will fix my sexual issues?"

"Hey it was a thought," I waved my hand at him, but to myself thought it would depend on the dessert.

The waiter came back with the bill and as Joe pulled out his wallet, I picked up my glass and taking the last couple of swallows decided I had found the perfect way to thank Joe for all he had done for me.

*****

I entered my bedroom disgusted. I had told myself I would make a move on Joe. For the last couple of weeks it seemed that he might be interested and several moments tonight where I was positive he was. I knew I was. Whether it was the wine lowering my inhibitions or the fact that we had bared our souls to each other I knew without hesitation I wanted him. His problem with women did nothing to dampen that desire, in fact it added to it.

The thought of not only enjoying him, but being the first woman to show him he could still feel something for someone else had me ready to do something I had never done before, make the first move. During the ride home Joe was silent and I left him alone in his thoughts as mine were consumed with how I would seduce him. Would I be subtle? Would I say screw it and come on strong?

I kept looking over at him, taking in his broad shoulders and the way his shirt hugged his arms and was getting to the point I was starting to squirm in my seat. I'd never been this worked up. When we got back home, I asked Joe if he was up for a movie figuring I would get close to him on the couch, but he said he was tired. He seemed lost in thought and I asked if maybe we could play some cards or just talk. His reply was,

"I think I've talked enough, in fact talking seems to be all I can do."

That comment wasn't like him and it through me off. While I stood there he walked over and leaning forward gave me a peck on the cheek.

"Thank you for coming out with me tonight." He said, "And thank you for sharing how you got your name, it meant a lot."

He was speaking close to my ear and the feeling of his breath on my neck caused me to turn and try to kiss him. As soon as I began to move he pulled his head back and I caught him awkwardly on the cheek. Undaunted I went to kiss him again, but he was already starting to turn and I caught myself before I kissed the side of his head.

"Good night Karma. I'll see you some time tomorrow."

I told myself to go after him, get in front of him, put my arms around him and kiss him. Maybe even untie the dress and let it fall, but instead I stood there. Watching him walk away the doubts crept in. What was I thinking? I was a young girl, a kid to him. His daughter was a year older than me for God's sake. More importantly I wasn't exactly a porn star. I hadn't had sex more than a couple of dozen times and only with guys my age who really had no clue what the hell they were doing and neither did I so it didn't matter.

Joe had walked out of sight down the hallway and a moment later I heard his bedroom door shut and defeated I had come down here. Sitting on the bed, I took my heels off and tossed them into the corner of the room. I reached back behind my neck to untie the dress and seeing myself in the mirror stopped. I had to admit I did look good tonight. The dress and make up made me look older and getting up and walking up to the mirror it dawned on me I didn't look like a cute young girl, but more like a woman.

A woman was what Joe needed. Not the nervous girl upstairs who couldn't even manage to get a kiss in, but a confident woman. One who could get him to relax, who could take control and show him he could feel the way he used to. He was attracted to me, I could see that tonight and replaying some of his remarks in my head it dawned on me that he may have been hinting. He would never make the first move because...

I began to smile at my reflection. That was it. Joe was a good man and in his mind for him to make the first move would be wrong. He would feel as if he were taking advantage of me. Still looking in the mirror I did reach back and untie the dress, letting it fall to the floor. I didn't have much in the way of sexy lingerie, but the bra was red lace and I was wearing the only thong I owned which happened to be red. I'd worn it tonight because I thought it would make me feel even sexier and grown up than the dress did.

I stared at my slender body and imagined Joe looking at me. My bikini didn't show a lot less and he had stared plenty by the pool. Reaching back I unclasped my bra and sliding the straps down my arms, tossed it to the side. My pink nipples were hard and cupping my small breasts I held them up, "Do you like them, Joe?" I whispered.

He would, it would just be a matter of getting him to see me as a woman and not a young waif he was trying to help. I rubbed my thumbs across my nipples and groaned. They were so hard they were aching and I was aware of the thin strip of material between my legs sticking to my moist skin. I would have to make the move I thought as I turned and going over to the bed stretched out on it.

My hand slid across my flat stomach and slipping into the thong dipped between my legs. The breath hissed from between my lips as my fingers caressed my swollen button. I envisioned Joe touching me, his large strong hands wandering over my body, exploring every bit of it and lingering in the good parts. He would slide up over me and...

I stopped moving my fingers. He would move over me and in his mind not be able to do it. Was it that and not my age that had kept him from trying anything? Because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to? My fingers began to move again as in my mind he would have no problem. He would be hard and ready for me. My finger entered my hot moist flesh and closing my eyes I began to move it, thinking of him thrusting in and out of me.

My eyes snapped open. What the hell was I doing laying here playing sticky finger as Hal had so eloquently referred to it, when what I really wanted was upstairs and hopefully wanting me? Quickly getting off the bed I went to pick up the dress thinking I would put it back on. As I held it, I saw the short black robe that I wore over my bikini hanging on my doorknob. Dropping the dress I put it on and checked myself out on the mirror. The robe barely went past my ass and I'd always thought I looked good in it. It hid my small chest and flattered my legs, perfect for me. Taking a deep breath I smiled seductively in the mirror, "Good things come to good people." I whispered.

*****

I could feel my legs trembling while I walked down the hallway to Joe's room. My stomach was in a knot as well, but the rest of my body was telling me this was what I wanted, more than wanted, needed. I stopped in front of the door and grasping my locket in one hand, knocked softly with the other. I didn't get a response and was getting ready to knock louder; when it dawned on me I was giving him a chance to turn me away.

Grasping the doorknob I release the locket and let myself into his room. There was a small reading lamp on next to his bed and Joe was sitting up against the head board. His eyes were closed and he was shirtless. The sight of him did little discourage my intentions and I took a couple of steps towards the bed. That was when I noticed his hand was under the sheet, which was moving up and down.

I instantly felt my face flush and at that moment Joe opened his eyes.

"Holy shit!" he exclaimed, his hand quickly coming out from under the covers. "Karma, what the hell are you doing in here?"

"I..." catching him masturbating had thrown me off a little, but staring at the sheet which was still raised up I wondered what he had been thinking about; maybe a pretty young brunette?

"Don't you knock?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."

He looked pissed, but waving his hand disgustedly at me, he said, "It was pretty obvious what you saw me doing and I'm not some teenager who thinks they're in trouble and would deny it, but having said that, do you think whatever you wanted can wait until tomorrow?"

"Nope." I shook my head and slowly approached the bed.

I pulled my eyes from the rather impressive bulge under the sheet and looked up to see him staring at my legs.

"Why did you come up here?" he asked, raising his gaze to my face.

"Couldn't sleep."

I had reached the bed and looking down at him gave him a mischievous smile, "If it makes you feel any better, I was doing what you were doing."

"You were?" he looked confused, then to my delight started to blush, "Oh." He said simply his blue eyes widening.

"I was." Placing my hand on the bed, I swung one leg up, placing my knee next to his leg.

The robe fell away, not only exposing my leg up to the hip but also showing the thin string of the thong over it. The look on Joe's face was almost comical, his eyes looked as if they were going to pop out of his head and his mouth was open.

"Do you think we were thinking the same thing?" I asked, placing my hand on his thigh and squeezing it through the sheet.

"Karma, what are you doing?"

"Not fair answering a question with a question, Joe." Bracing my hand on his thigh, I swung my other leg up so I was now kneeling on the bed next to him. My heart was starting to beat faster, but in excitement more than nerves. Joe's eyes couldn't' look away from me and he hadn't told me to get out.

"I don't know what you're talking about and I, think..."

"You think way too much." I made a clucking sound while beginning to rub his leg. "And lately so have I, but it's time to do something besides think."

"Karma, are you drunk?"

"No, but I'll tell you what I am." Leaning over him so my lips were only inches from his ear I whispered, "What I am is horny and when I'm horny I like to play." I blew in his ear, "Do you want to play with me Joe?"

"I...can't." he shook his head, "You're...."

"A pretty girl who wants to have some fun with a good looking guy." I leaned back far enough to be able to look at him and saw his eyes immediately go to my chest.

The robe was loosely tied and I knew he could see everything.

"Like the view?"

He turned even redder and started to look away, but grabbing his chin, I stopped him.

"You can look, it's not like you haven't before."

"You...you're a beautiful girl Karma, but..."

"I like when you look," I purred, ignoring his protests. "I like to look too."

I let my hand drift down to his chest and a shiver went through him as I trailed my long nails down towards his stomach. "I like what I see."

I swung my left leg over his legs and let my weight go so I was now straddling him. I could feel him pressing into my ass and cooed, "Oh, I think you do like what you see."

I ground my hips against him and he released a soft moan that sent a wave of heat flowing though me.

"I think he wants to play," lowering my head, I pushed my lips out in a pout and batting my lashes asked in my little girl voice, "Don't you want to play with me?"

"We can't do this." He shook his head, but he didn't sound very convincing and his eyes were glued to my chest.

"Sure we can." Grabbing the tie to the robe I pulled on it and paused, "You want to see?"

"It's not about that, Karma this wouldn't be...oh goddamn."

I'd pulled the robe open and letting it slide off my shoulders asked, "Do you like them?" As I had done downstairs, I cupped them, "I know they're a little small, but..."