The Best Summer Job Ever Ch. 05

A few months passed and our lives were almost back to normal. I still thought about the lost baby all the time and I was sure Ellen did too, but we tried not to talk about it anymore. When I found Ellen crying in our room I didn't need to ask her why, I just needed to hold her and tell her how much I loved her. Then one morning I woke up and reached over to find her side of the bed empty. I found her in the bathroom staring at the test that told us she was pregnant again with a wide smile. I could tell she was trying to decide how to tell me but I couldn't resist taking her into my arms and ruining the surprise.

I was right there was no way we could resist telling those closest to us despite what we had planned. We were so happy to be expecting again, but in the back of my mind there was always that little piece of fear. The first time around I'd allowed myself to get caught up in the joy and ignored Rita's warnings. Now I found it was impossible to completely enjoy it at first, but each day the anxiety diminished. It wasn't until I woke up first one morning and realized I could tell she was pregnant by the soft swell of her belly that I allowed the excitement to fill me completely. It was only a few days later that our hearts were shattered for the second time. On a Friday night we were on our way to dinner when the worst happened again.

"I was thinking we could go see that movie after dinner if you're feeling up to it," I said I drove us to the restaurant.

"That sounds goo.... oh... oh no..." she said in horror clutching her stomach. The look she gave me left no doubt as to what she thought was happening again.

"Hang on I'll get you to the hospital," I screamed speeding up and praying there was something that could be done.

"No!" she screamed. "No this can't be happening again!" By the time we got to the nearest hospital Ellen was crying hysterically and holding her stomach tightly as if it could keep her from losing the baby. Scooping up in my arms I raced inside trying to ignore the stain on her dress.

"Somebody help us," I roared as we entered. Moments later there was a doctor there to attend to Ellen and he rushed her inside. I refused to leave her side as they took her to an examining room. "You have to do something to save the baby," I pleaded for both of us.

"Let me take a look at her," he said when we had her on a bed. Reaching under her dress her took off her blood soaked panties and shook his head immediately. "I'm sorry but there's nothing we can do."

"There has to be something you can do. I brought her here as fast as I could. You're a doctor," I said as the grief started to grip me. Ellen was still crying her entire body gripped by the wracking sobs.

"I'm sorry for your loss but it's too late. There's not much we can do when something like this happens," he said gently. I knew he was right, Rita had explained as much, but it didn't make it any easier.

"Can we stay here for now?" I asked feeling numb.

"Of course. I'll be back in a little bit to check on her," he said. Before her left I asked if her could contact Rita for us and he promised to call her himself.

Climbing onto the bed with Ellen I gathered her into my arms as she rolled towards me. Crying along with her I didn't even try to make her stop yet. The only thing I could do was share the grief with her and let her know she'd never have to face this alone. When Rita arrived Ellen was still crying in my arms. I had stopped for now because I knew needed to be strong for her tonight. Ellen took some comfort in Rita's soothing words and let Rita clean her up for the trip home. She stayed with us until we were ready to leave and stayed behind after we had left to take care of all the paperwork with the hospital for us.

The second time around was a lot different, but hurt just as much. Ellen and I went to bed soon as we got home crying for a long time beneath the covers until we mercifully fell asleep. The next day Ellen was gripped by a deep depression and refused to get out of bed. I spent the entire day nearby in case she wanted me but I could get her talk at all, though she seemed happy to let me hold her if I got in bed with her. It was as if the experience had left her in a mindless daze. When I could get her to eat or drink anything I was worried and called Rita. She told me to give her time and make sure I left something to drink with her. By the middle of the afternoon I was happy to see she had drank a bottle of juice from the tray I'd left on her night table. It was later in the evening when she finally called out to me.

"What is it my love?" I asked rushing to her side.

"I'm so sorry," she said bursting in tears.

"Shhhh... Ellie there's nothing to be sorry for," I said holding her close so she couldn't see my tears. "I wish there was something I could do to make it stop hurting. I love you so much and can't stand seeing you like this."

"As long as I have you I'll be ok. I don't know what I would do without you hon," she sobbed.

I held her until she stopped crying and then lay down with her to cuddle. Countless times I told her I loved her. When she seemed ready to fall asleep I convince her to let me get her something to eat. I didn't want to leave her side but couldn't let her go almost two full days with nothing to eat either. Downstairs in the kitchen I worked quickly to make her something to eat, heating a pot of soup as I made her a sandwich and brewed a pot of her favorite tea. Throwing a banana and a bowl of strawberries on the tray I rushed back to her and found her sitting up in bed reading one of the baby books as if the answer was in there somewhere and she could figure it all out. I took it from her hands gently and set it down out of reach, replacing it with her first meal since lunchtime yesterday. Sitting next to her I made sure she ate everything, helping to finish off the strawberries when she complained of being full.

Now that she'd eaten after being in bed all day, she wanted to get up and do something. I had already called the people who knew she had been pregnant again to let them know, but asked them to give us some time alone for now so it was just the two of us. Getting dressed we went for a walk in the garden. Ellen always seemed to cheer up no matter how bad she was feeling when we were in the garden together. I pointed out the place where I wanted to build a koi pond next year and she liked the idea but it did make her smile like I hoped it would. After our walk it was still early in the night so we curled up on the sofa beneath a blanket and watched TV. I convinced her to have some popcorn with me and rushed to get her a glass of wine when she asked for one.

The next day I was up early and invited our friends and family who lived nearby to come over for the afternoon. I made arrangements to have a catered meal delivered so Ellen wouldn't have to worry about entertaining our guests. She woke up depressed but was far better than the day before. After a bath together, I told her we'd be having guests and she smiled at last knowing it would help her spirits to see the people she loved. The gathering was a huge success in my mind. Seeing our guests share their own tears with Ellen and how they managed to make her smile made my day.

Over the next few weeks I did anything I could to help Ellen get over the loss. Focusing all my energy on helping her allowed me to avoid my own feelings of despair. I was torn now between wanting to have a child still and never wanting to put Ellen through this again. When it was time to discuss the future I had no idea what way I'd lean yet. After we had lost the first baby I was sure she would want to try again but now I didn't know. I'd never seen her more devastated than she was that first day after loosing the second baby and I didn't want to see what a third might do to her. I'd read stories about women who had gone through half a dozen or more before finally carrying a baby to term and wondered where they had found the strength to endure.

"We have an appointment with Rita tomorrow," she said to me after dinner at home one night. She had stopped drinking wine a few days ago again so I knew this was coming.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked her.

"Yes unless you can't do it again," she said touching my arm in concern.

"I still want a baby, but I don't know if I can handle another loss. It scares me to think about you losing another one," I said.

"It scares me too honey," she said slipping into my arms. "I've talked myself out of this crazy dream a hundred times since we lost the last baby, but we've come too far to quit now. If we give up then what was all that pain for? We owe it to the babies we lost to keep going."

"I think about them all the time," I said with a sad smile.

"I know," she said squeezing me tight. "You talk about them in your sleep. Sometimes they have names other nights you just call them daddy's little girls. I'm willing to do this as many times as it takes to give my husband a bundle of joy and dreams to replace his nightmares." I'd had it all backwards. She was the one with the strength to keep going when I wanted out and suddenly I could understand those other women I'd read about. One look into Ellen's eyes told me she refused to give up as long as the hope she was twenty years without remained.

"We can try once more, I can't promise anything beyond that for now," I said.

"Once more is enough for now," she said holding me close.

Two months later Ellen was pregnant again, but by now I knew that was the easy part for us. The miscarriages had stolen the pure joy out of the moment for me. I was still happy but the fear was overbearing and I knew Ellen could sense it. With the first two I started fantasizing about what the baby would look like the second we knew she was pregnant. With the third pregnancy fear of loosing the baby consumed me. If Ellen sighed as she sat down my heart raced in concern. If she took more that a few minutes to go to the bathroom my mind ran wild with panic. At least once a week I woke up covered in sweat only to calm down when Ellen held me in her arms. When she started to show signs of being pregnant again it reminded me of the last baby we lost and for the next few days I could barely sleep.

Everything changed about four and half months into her pregnancy. Ellen came rushing in one day holding her tummy with a smile. If not for the smile I would have lost it on the spot. She took my hand and held it to her stomach as her smile grew wider. I waited wondering what was happening when I felt a little kick inside her and jerked my hand back. Ellen nibbled her lip and looked down at me nervously. I put my hand back and waited patiently for our baby to say hello to me again. Standing perfectly still she waited several minutes until I felt it a second time and this time I held my hand still hoping it would happen again. Throughout this third pregnancy Ellen had been concerned over my inability to get excited. By refusing to get too attached this time I was protecting myself from the terrible pain I was afraid to feel again. Now that I felt our baby move for the first time I'd fallen in love with it immediately and felt horrible for how I had acted.

"I'm so sorry," I said my voice breaking as I hugged Ellen.

"For what hon?" she asked.

"For not letting myself love this baby until now. I've been a horrible husband," I said ready to beg her forgiveness.

"Oh Daniel don't ever say that. I can understand your need to protect yourself. I never doubted your love for me and I know you'll make a perfect father for our baby," she said kissing me.

"I love you so much Ellie. You deserved better than this," I said kissing her back.

"Better than you?" she said with a laugh. Clearly she didn't think it was possible and I felt fortunate she still loved me after the way I had acted up until now. I vowed to make it up to her during the rest of her pregnancy.

Neither of us wanted to know the sex of the baby and would have been happy either way as long as the baby was healthy, but deep down I was still hoping for the girl I dreamed about so often. The next time we went to see Rita I knew we were close now. I'd read everything I could on premature babies and knew 26 weeks was the target to give us a decent chance of a healthy baby. Any younger meant the chances for serious problems were high, though I would have given anything if the other babies could have lasted long enough to be born regardless of the medical problems they might have faced. Ellen's check up with Rita showed no problems and we left in high spirits knowing how close we were.

Once the pregnancy had progressed to the point where a baby born now could survive Ellen hired a nursing service to provide with a nurse around the clock at home just in case. For once I argued that she hadn't gone far enough with her money and should have had a doctor in our home at all times if she still wouldn't agree to staying in a hospital. The 26-week mark came and went. Each day gave our baby a better chance now and my excitement seemed to multiply with every X I placed on my calendar. We were getting close to 32 weeks, where I knew our baby's chances were very good, when Rita suggested moving Ellen into a hospital and suddenly I had a powerful ally on my side.

Ellen agreed reluctantly and paid for a private suite so I could stay with her. Special gifts started pouring in from friends and family. My parents and other people who were close to us came to visit every few days. The only thing that could surpass my joy was the relief of knowing we had all but made it now. The days passed quickly now and soon we were looking at the possibility of Ellen carrying the baby to full term. She wanted to leave the hospital when we made it to 38 weeks but with the baby due anytime now I convinced her to stay.

A week later her water broke just a few days short of an ideal term. For a split second a wave of terror ripped through me, but I quickly realized that our baby was on the way and nervous joy filled me. I called Rita right away so she would be there to deliver the baby and watched as a nurse came by to check on Ellen. It was impossible for me to relax at all until Rita arrived. I kept worrying that the baby would come before she was there and didn't trust any of the other doctors like I trusted her. Ellen tried to calm me down, telling me it could be hours yet. She had done this once before with Jessica, but even then I'm sure she was never this nervous. After so much heartache with our previous pregnancies I wasn't going to be completely at ease until this was over and I had a healthy baby and wife in my arms.

Rita arrived less than an hour after I had called her ready to take over delivery of the baby. After checking Ellen she said it would be hours yet. Now that she was here to watch over Ellen, I felt like it was safe to step away for a few moments to call our loved ones. I knew Ellen didn't want anyone but me with her in the delivery room, but would be happy to know they had gathered in a waiting room. My parents said they would be down to the hospital right away and didn't care how much longer they had to wait.

Back in Ellen's hospital room, I relived Rita who would be back every hour or so to check up on Ellen. She was staying at the hospital and could be paged if we needed her. Alone with my wife, I kissed her and told her how much I loved her while rubbing her swollen stomach gently. The contractions were still far apart so for now there was nothing to do but wait. Whenever Rita came back I used the opportunity to check the waiting room and greet anyone who had arrived since the last time. The women asked thinks like how dilated Ellen was or how far apart the contractions were and how long were they lasting, but I didn't know. Suddenly I felt like I was doing a horrible job and rushed back to Ellen's side to see if Rita was checking those things right now.

I didn't leave her again after that. Sitting in a chair next to her bed, I put on a movie for us to watch and her held hand using her squeezing of my hand to time the contractions properly now. Slowly they became closer together and more intense. After each one I leaned over to kiss Ellen gently. Her water had broken early in the morning but it was past dinnertime before Rita was in the room to stay. I'd been too nervous to eat all day but was able to get Ellen to eat sparingly. With the contractions getting closer together now I could see that she was finally starting to show some nerves. Rita offered Ellen an epidural as her labor intensified, but Ellen declined for now worried that it might somehow harm the baby when we were so close at last.

Holding my wife's hand, I helped her through the breathing exercises we had learned. By now her hair was plastered to her forehead as I wiped it with a cool, damp cloth in a vain effort to keep her comfortable. Her grip on my hand became painful with each contraction now and she was moaning nonstop in between. Rita began telling her to push and I was sure that meant the baby would be her any moment now. Screaming in agony, Ellen held her breath as she pushed then sucked in sharp breaths in between. I was in complete awe of my wife and had never loved her more. Part of me couldn't believe she had been so willing to go though this for us. It made me want to thank my own mother for going though this to bring me into the world and gave me a new appreciation for mothers everywhere. The longer it went on the more she amazed me. It had to stop soon; I couldn't bear to see her in such pain when there was nothing I could do to take it away.

"Come on Ellen one more big push we're almost there," I heard Rita say.

"Ugggggnnnhhhh," Ellen screamed between clenched teeth as her face turned red. She sagged to bed completely spent trying to regroup for one more push. I heard voices in the background but ignored them as concern for Ellen consumed me. Ellen was crying and smiled at me causing me to wonder, for just a moment, if the pain had driven her mad.

"Wrrraaaaahhh wrrraaaaahhh wrrraaaaahhh," I heard our baby cry and suddenly it all made sense. I looked down to see Rita holding our precious little baby as tears filled my eyes. Rita offered me a pair of scissors but I was too stunned to move. I watched as she snipped the umbilical cord and wrapped the baby in a pure white towel to let us hold it for the first time. Seeing our baby for the first time I understood Ellen's determination to have a baby, to give me a baby. Suddenly I knew exactly why she felt so bad for letting me fall in love with her when she thought it meant I'd never live this moment. She'd felt this before and I'd never stop loving her with all my heart for going through what she did to let me experience it too.

"It's a girl," I heard Rita say as she laid the baby in Ellen's arms. Ellen smiled wider than I'd ever seen and the baby stopped crying as soon as Ellen kissed her as if she knew she was safe in mommy's arms now. I kissed our daughter as gently as I could as Ellen held her for me. With strands of dark hair that matched the color of her mother's and covered in cute little wrinkles, she looked more beautiful than I thought possible before I met her. She was so small and precious I was worried I might hurt her with a touch. I gave Ellen a kiss full of love the tears flowing from my eyes a perfect match for hers.

"What's her name?" I asked Ellen wondering which of the handful of girl's names on our short list she would choose.

"Penelope," she said with a warm smile. "We'll call her Penny for short."

"But that wasn't one of the names," I said wondering how she had settled on the name I secretly liked best when I had never mentioned it to her.

"It was the name you talked about in your sleep," she explained. "Now that she's here she needs her name so every time her daddy dreams about her it can be a happy one."