The Best Summer Job Ever Ch. 05

"You can certainly try," the doctor said with a smile and Ellen hugged me fiercely. "I'm here to help in anyway I can Ellen. You have my home phone number so don't hesitate to call me anytime. There are a lot of excellent books out there too," she said writing on a note pad. "You should be able to get these at most bookstores. They'll have a ton of information on foods to avoid, getting your proper nutrition, exercise, and everything else you need to know when preparing to get pregnant. Make him read them too," she said with a smile.

"I will," I said honestly. "Thank you doctor."

"Thank you so much Rita," Ellen said calling her doctor by her first name as she stood up to hug her. "You've made us both so happy."

"I'm happy for you. Good luck and come see me anytime you want. I'll make time to see you," she said patting Ellen on the back.

Ellen's eyes were full of love for me as I drove us home. Even though she couldn't get pregnant just yet I knew we'd be practicing the moment we got home. For me it was equal parts happiness and relief. The last thing I wanted today was for the doctor to tell my wife her dream was dead. The news she'd given us was the best we could have hoped for. It wouldn't be easy, but I expected that going in.

Over the next few weeks we read every book the doctor has recommended to us. I'd never gone through something like this before and was worried about everything. Everyday I made sure Ellen was drinking lots of milk and stocked the fridge with fruits and vegetables to give her all the essential vitamins the books talked about. In order to make it easier on her I stopped drinking wine with dinner too knowing how much she loved it.

Ellen promoted one of her top vice presidents to take over the day to day running of her business empire, but was still consulted on the most important decisions. It was going to be a permanent change because she was sure this would be her last child and didn't want to miss a moment. While she was getting more free time, I was facing less. Ellen's longtime gardener Ray had decided to retire and was just waiting until we hired a replacement. We decided that I'd take over running it but on a limited basis like Ellen with her business concerns. Instead of hiring anyone new to join the staff, we gave the remaining gardeners hefty raises in exchange for more responsibility and occasional longer hours. They had learned from the best and we were confident this arrangement would keep the garden looking spectacular.

The months seemed to speed by and though the doctor had advised us to be patient, we were both the exact opposite. I lost track of the number of times we stared at our home pregnancy test kit waiting for our hopes to be dashed again. Ellen came to get me in the garden when it was time to try and make a baby. The mechanical sex we shared when we were trying to get pregnant just wasn't the same, but thankfully there was still plenty of our regular passionate lovemaking to make up for it.

It was a day in the garden about four months after our visit to the doctor that Ellen came rushing out to get me. For a split second I thought I was late for baby making time again, but she had the most wonderful smile on her face and I knew she was pregnant. Jumping into my arms with a passionate kiss that knocked me off my feet she started crying hysterically. I couldn't believe how happy it made me to know we were going to have the baby Ellen desperately wanted.

"We did it Daniel," she cried. "Were going to have a baby. Our baby is in here right now," she said rubbing her stomach gently.

"I'm so happy," I said kissing her. "I love you Ellie. I love you so much and I can't wait to raise this child with you."

"I'm going to see Rita tomorrow to make sure," she said. "But the tests are almost never wrong."

"We're going to see Rita," I said kissing her again. "I wouldn't miss it for anything."

"I want to tell everyone as soon as we're sure," she said kissing me back.

That night we got last minute reservations at one of Ellen's favorite restaurants. Knowing she was carrying our baby somehow made her even more beautiful than ever before. After dinner I took her dancing for a few hours. I was still learning but with my lessons and Ellen's willingness to be my dance partner whenever I asked I was getting better all the time. At the very least, I didn't look completely out of place leading her around the dance floor anymore. When we got home we made love gently. The whole time I was in awe over the fact that something that was already so wonderful could give us a baby too. Afterwards, I let her spend a whole hour going over her list of baby names with me.

The next day Rita confirmed the test results and gave us a whole new series of books to read. She scheduled some more appointments for Ellen over the next few weeks and offered us her congratulations. Soon as we got home Ellen started calling all our closest friends and family inviting them over to celebrate this weekend. Life couldn't get any better than this. I was married to a woman I loved with all my heart and now we were having a baby, the only thing that could possibly improve our relationship. For two whole months we were on top of the world.

I was working in the garden one afternoon when Gloria came rushing out to find me. She said Ellen needed me inside right away and from the look on her face I knew it wasn't good. Running fast as I could, I arrived at our bedroom having heard her anguished screams echoing all the way down the hall. Striding to the bed I gathered her up in my arms and tried to comfort my wife when all I wanted to do was cry with her. The blood on her legs told me the worst had happened. Rita had warned us this was a possibility but I'd been sure it couldn't happen to us. I remembered losing Ellen and thinking nothing could hurt that badly ever again, but the memory of that was like a pinprick in comparison to how I felt holding my devastated wife in my arms.

"Daniel..." she wailed between gut wrenching sobs. "Daniel... I lost our baby... I... I... I was just about to go for a cup of tea when I felt a... a horrible cramp and ran to the bathroom."

"Shhhh... you can tell me later my love," I said crying as I tried to comfort her. "We don't know you lost the baby for sure yet," I said clinging to a small piece of desperate hope.

"Hold me," she cried. "Don't let me go until the pain stops."

"I will Ellie. I'll always be here for you," I said wondering if my own pain would ever end.

Ellen had already called Rita and she arrived a short time later with her medical bag. A brief examination confirmed the worst and Ellen's eyes filled with a fresh set of tears. She tried to console us but Ellen was an emotional wreck. It was a helpless feeling to watch her suffer and know that nothing but time could heal her wounds. Rita gave me some advice on helping Ellen through this and sedatives to help her sleep before she left.

Alone in our bedroom again I undressed her and took her to the tub where I washed her limp body clean of the red reminder of our tragedy. Sitting in the water with her I held her in my arms and let her cry her tears endless. Each sob wracked her body and she held my arms around her tightly. It seemed like she wanted me to hold her forever and I was more that willing to do it. She was still crying when I carried her back to bed dripping wet. Wet sheets were no concern as I collapsed onto the bed with her. I couldn't leave her so I called down to Gloria asking her to bring some drinks and leave them in the outer chamber. When I heard them arrive, I carried her out to pick them up, giving her a bottle of water and one of the pills when we got back to bed. Ellen looked at it with skepticism but when I said it would help her sleep she gulped it down immediately before burrowing back into my arms.

I prayed Ellen would have a night free of nightmares when she fell asleep at last. Sitting in a chair next to the bed so I'd be there for her the moment she woke up I found myself helpless against my own grief, crying like I hadn't since the day I lost her. My mind was filled with images of what our baby would have looked like. In my head it was always a little girl that looked just like her mother only just a little more beautiful because she was ours. It was tearing me apart inside, but thinking about her as a beautiful young woman and the struggle to keep the boys away made me smile for a moment. Now that our baby had been taken from us I wanted one more than ever. I was sure Ellen would want to try again eventually but it was up to her. If she decided she couldn't go through this a second time then I'd support her completely.

When I had calmed down, I wracked my brain to think of something I could do to make this easier on Ellen. Finally it came to me as I stepped away from her side for just a moment to get the phone. Sitting next to her talking in a hushed voice, I began spreading the terrible news so she wouldn't have to tell our loved ones. I didn't realize how hard it was until I made the first call. The condolences and tears of the people who loved us so much tore at my emotional wounds, ripping them open to bleed once more time and time again. I left my parents until last. It ended up being the hardest and shortest call of them all. My mother burst into tears the moment I told her and my father had to take the phone from her. He only spoke to me for a few seconds and hung up saying they'd be over right away. I didn't think Ellen would be up for guests but I welcomed their visit.

Tucking Ellen into bed I dressed and waited for them to arrive. I hated to leave her but with the door to our bedroom open in case she called for me, I greeted my parents in the outer chamber sagging into their combined hug. It felt so good to have someone to lean on after doing my best to be a rock for Ellen. After a lot of hugs and tears my mother wanted to see Ellen. I explained she was asleep but my mother kept asking about her and said she'd wait until Ellen woke up even if it took all night. Our voices must have woken Ellen because I heard her calling my name and rushed to her side.

"Are you ok Ellie?" I asked full of concern as I sat on the bed next to her.

"I won't be ok for a long time hon, but the sleep helped," she said smiling bravely. "Who's out there?"

"My parents. While you were asleep I called everyone," I told her. "They came to see me but mom wanted to talk to you."

"You're the most amazing man I've ever known. I love you so much," she said hugging me tightly. "Thank you so much for doing that hon. I can't imagine how hard it must have been. I'd like to see your mother too. Give me a moment to put something on and send her in."

Leaving Ellen in my mother's capable hands for now, I went out and sat down next to my father. He took one look at me and said I could us a drink, something I couldn't agree with more. I was still hesitant to leave in case Ellen needed me, but went I stepped in to see how she was she looked up from my mother's shoulder and told me she'd be ok for now. Heading downstairs to our game room, I started racking the balls for a game of pool to take my mind off things as dad poured me a stiff drink. I gulped down the first and had one more to sip as we played but that was it, the last thing Ellen needed was for me to get drunk tonight. At first we just shot pool without speaking, my father had always been a lot better than me but with my own table to practice on now I wasn't so easy to beat anymore.

"On the way over here I was thinking about the day you were born," my father said breaking the silence at last. I knew my father loved me but he wasn't the type to talk about his feelings. That night he was willing to do anything to make me feel better. "I know how you must feel tonight. It wasn't easy for your mother and I to have a kid either. We tried for a long time until you came along, but the moment we saw you we knew it had all been worth it. Anytime I start to think about what if we'd given up before we got you it hurts too much and I have to stop. I couldn't imagine our lives without you son. I don't want to tell you what to do, but as much as it hurts right now I can tell you it's all worth it when you get to hold your child for the first time."

"I don't want to give up, if anything I want it more than ever now," I said missing my shot badly as tears clouded my vision. "But it's all up to Ellen."

"It has to be," my father said nodding in agreement. "If she's anything like your mother this will only make her more determined in a month or two."

"I feel so bad for you and especially mom I know how much you were both looking forward to being grandparents," I said.

"For goodness sakes Dan don't you be worrying about us," he said hugging me. "We love you and knowing what this has done to our son hurts far more than anything else."

"But didn't you think about what it would have been like?" I asked him.

"All the time," he admitted. "I thought about what it would have been like to teach my grandson how to throw a ball or taking him fishing everyday since you told us Ellen was expecting."

"In my head the baby was always a girl who grew up to be just like Ellen," I said sniffing.

"That would have been nice too," he said smiling. "Your mother always wanted a little girl but we got stuck with you instead." We both laughed and it felt real good.

Not long after Ellen and my mother joined us. Ellen smiled at me and stepped into my arms for a long gentle embrace. She let me pour her a glass of wine and sipped it as if treasuring every drop after months without it. I knew she'd give up wine forever if it would give us our baby back though. We played some team pool my parents against us, but after a few games switched teams so it was the women versus us. I broke and sunk one off the break and gave my father a grin, but he gave me a look that said what are you doing son? After that I made sure to throw the first game and most of the others. We even won once and argued over the poor shots we were making so it wouldn't be too obvious. My mother was terrible but Ellen was as good as me, if not better, and hated to lose at anything. Seeing the smile on her face when she sunk the eight to beat us in the last game made it all worth it.

After playing pool for a while, Ellen invited my parents to stay for dinner. Ellen and my mother went to cook, refusing my offer to help, so my father and I watched the ball game as we waited. When I went to the kitchen to get us a drink they told me dinner would be ready soon. My mother's compassion and caring for Ellen was incredible and I knew I could never thank her enough for helping us through this difficult time. In the beginning she hated the idea of me being with Ellen, but now she loved her like a sister. Both my parents refused to let us shower them with expensive gifts, but as I watched my mother moving around our kitchen I thought I might be able to convince her to let us fix hers up. It would be our little way of thanking her for everything.

With my two favorites cooks working together dinner was amazing. As we ate I kept watching Ellen's face looking for signs that she needed me. She sat next to me and rested her foot on mine, needing that simple touch to get though the meal. After dinner, we sat together drinking coffee and talking about anything to keep our minds off what had happened. My parents stayed late which was exactly what I had hoped. The longer they stayed with us the less we'd be alone with our thoughts. When they finally got up to leave there were more hugs and more tears after a promise to come to their place to dinner tomorrow night.

Soon at they were gone I took Ellen back to our bedroom, but couldn't get her to take another sedative right away. She told me she'd had dreams about our lost baby when she was asleep earlier and I stopped trying to convince her after that. We ended up watching a movie lying down on the sofa together. I was behind her with an arm wrapped around her protectively. Though it was nice and warm Ellen was bundled up in a blanket taking what little comfort she could from it. By the end of the movie, she'd fallen asleep and nothing short of a fire would have made me wake her.

The next morning she woke me up with a kiss to start the long, hard healing process. We shared a good cry and I realized the one blessing in the face of our terrible loss was feeling closer and more committed to Ellen than ever before. Throughout the day, people called to speak with Ellen and offer their condolences. Each of the callers managed to take away a small piece of her pain and replace it with their love for her. Her one brother that still lived nearby drove into town with his wife and we had lunch with them and a few other guests including Gwen and her husband. After dinner with my parents that night, we returned home and went straight to bed. The second day had been a little bit easier but it would be a long time before things were back to normal.

The days all seemed to melt into one. At least once a day Ellen broke down leaving me to feel helpless as I held her in my arms. The worst were the occasional mornings when she woke up groggy and didn't remember losing the baby for a moment until the pain came rushing back. Before I knew it a week and then two had passed without us making love. When we were trying to get pregnant each time I came inside her we were hoping it would be the one to give us the baby we wanted so badly. Now I couldn't bear to approach her in bed knowing it would remind her about what had happened.

It was just over two weeks later that she asked me to go with her to see Rita. I didn't know what to expect, but her doctor was still supportive despite the miscarriage. What I like best about Rita was her honesty. She told us what we needed to hear, not what we wanted to hear. This was always going to be a big risk and having been through it once we needed to be ready to face it again. I tried to leave the decision completely in Ellen's hands but she refused to make it alone.

"I can't do this if you're not behind me one hundred percent Daniel," Ellen said taking my hand. "I can't put you through this a second time if the first was too hard."

"I still want to have a baby," I said adding, "But don't feel like you have to do it for me." She was already smiling at me.

"I love you honey," she said hugging me. "I know we'll do it this time."

"You both need to stay positive, but be realistic at the same time," Rita cautioned. "Don't go into this thinking you've already felt the worst. If you go in convinced it will work this time you're setting yourselves up to be devastated."

"I understand the risks more than ever now Rita, but if we go in thinking about the worst I don't think I can do it again," Ellen said.

Rita was just looking out for our best interests, but Ellen was right. If we didn't block the possibility of another miscarriage from our minds, at least at the start, then there was no way I could try again. Ellen went back on her strict diet that night, having one last glass of wine with dinner. In bed that night, we made love for the first time since losing the baby. We stayed up screwing long into the night each session reminding me of how much I loved her and how much I had missed the sex. The next few weeks were filled with enough sex to make up for the past two weeks. We fucked like two people who had just discovered sex, and in a way it was a rediscovery of how good life could still be after what we had suffered through.

This time we were a lot more careful with divulging our plans. The less people who knew, the less phone calls we'd need to make if the worst happened again. We only told the people who were closest to us that we were trying again and were thankful for their encouragement. Privately, we decided to tell no one she was pregnant again until she was well along. I didn't think I'd be able to keep from telling my parents once we found out but that was the plan going in.