There Must Be a Mistake Ch. 02

"I got you again uncle. From not touching anything in your laboratory, to not touching anything unless you are with me. I am making progress with you every day."

I grabbed the phone from my darling niece and said, "Roz, I'll give you $50 million if you will take a seventh child."

"Why Even, she seems to be doing you a world of good. I didn't realize you drank orange juice from a glass. I thought you drank it from the container, just like my former husband."

"Roz, you wouldn't know what to do without that jackass. What's worse is he wouldn't know what to do without you. Get a 2x4 and hit him across the head with it. As Delicious said to you before, he was thinking about you."

"Even, I'm going out to spend a ton of his money. I'll let him sleep downstairs overnight, just to let him know how angry I am with him. Then I'll see how he acts tomorrow. Tell Delicious to be ready in an hour, I'll pick her up."

"It is not his money. It belongs to both of you, because you are part of the Corporation. You can write as many checks as you want, and he can't do a thing about it."

"He would kill me Even."

"The judge would not put him in jail for killing you. He would have Rod raise those six children by himself. It would be a fate worse than death for a type 'A' personality like Rod."

"Even, now I know where Delicious gets her evil streak from. It runs deep inside your families' gene pool."

"Roz in that case my evil genes have been recessive, until I met Delicious."

"Two sets of evils genes in one household; quiet until they met. It ought to be fun to watch as time goes by Even. It will be more fun to watch how Rod deals with Delicious."

"I know exactly what you mean Roz; and it scares me to death."

***********

5. Shopping, Again (Sunday Morning)

"You're getting good uncle, it's not even 9:30, and you're up."

"Who opened all the shades in my room?"

"Were the cleaning people here yesterday, while Roz and I were out?"

"No they weren't. They are not due until Wednesday."

"Well, since you're up bright and early, we have a lot of shopping to do today."

"Shopping again; what do you need this time?"

"I'd like to sleep on something that does not resemble a bed of nails or any other torture device invented during the Middle Ages. I'd like a dresser that does not fall apart every time I opened the drawers. Some hangers to put my clothes on would also be helpful. Should I continue?"

"Why didn't you do that with Roz yesterday?"

"Roz helped me buy casual clothes which we didn't buy in Maine. Everything we got up there was dress-up, I needed something to knock around in."

"That makes sense. Where do you want to go?"

"As someone said to me before, this is your town, you tell me."

"Have I ever told you I hate eating my own words?"

"Uncle Even, do you remember that echo we had in Waterville? I believe it has found us here in Idaho Springs."

"Okay, we will leave around noon to go shopping."

"Great, 11 o'clock sounds fine to me."

"I said 12 o'clock."

"I heard you Uncle Even, 11 o'clock is just fine."

"Niece Delicious, I am going to start working on a transporter device. I want to see if I can send you anywhere in this universe to help you tell time correctly."

"You better hurry Uncle Even; 10:30 is getting closer by the minute."

"What happened to 11 o'clock?"

"Who said anything about 11 o'clock?"

"I give up; I'll see you at noon."

"Okay Even, I'll be down in the lab."

"I'll be ready to leave at 11 o'clock, Delicious."

"I knew you could be reasonable, Uncle Even."

"Being tormented at 9:30 in the morning is not being reasonable, it's being harassed."

*******

"Oh no young lady, you are not going out dressed like that."

"Dressed like what Uncle Even. I tried this on for Roz yesterday to make sure it was okay. She said it was fine for summer wear. It's a crop top and jeans shorts, what's wrong with that?"

"Roz said that was okay?"

"Yes, I have a bra on, and the shorts are not too short. I knew you would disapprove if they were."

"I still don't like that top."

I opened the door to the garage and let Delicious walk in first. It was a mistake.

"You have a gazillion dollars and you drive that piece of garbage. Mom's car was better than that."

"I don't go out very much, and that car is very serviceable."

"Should I repeat what Ron said in the aircraft?"

"Rod is a worry wart. Get in or this will be the shortest shopping trip of your life."

It was.

As I exited my driveway, turned onto Spring Gulch Road towards Interstate 70, I hit a pothole, and the driveshaft dropped out of the transmission, and lay on the ground just as Rod predicted.

I didn't even look at her, because I felt her eyes burning a hole in my neck. "Delicious, if you say one word you will be sleeping on the floor."

"Uncle Even, I sure hope you have AAA, because this car is going to the junkyard, and we are buying a new car today."

"I told you not to say a word."

"I didn't say a word. I said twenty-four words."

I didn't even argue with her, because I knew I would lose. "What color do you want?"

"You should buy anything but white. With all the snow you get out here, nobody would ever see you in a blizzard."

"That's very good advice. You have a birthday coming up in five weeks. I think I will buy two cars. It will give you an incentive to pass your driving test."

My niece was all over me like a rash. If cars came up behind us, they would think we were making out instead of driving anywhere. I had to tell her to calm down so I could call to have the car towed, and we could start walking back to the house.

Before I had a chance to do it, Delicious asked me, "Even, does Rod have a spare car we could borrow?"

"It all depends if Roz is talking to him today."

"Could you call him and ask if we could borrow a car so we could go shopping?"

"Do you know what grief he's going to give me when I tell him what happened?"

"If you tell him I'm lying on the roadway, he will be here in a flash."

"He would kill me for lying to him, but he would get here in a hurry."

"Even, there is something else you have to buy me when I get my driver's license. Do you remember what it is?"

"No, but I know it's going to cost me a lot of more money."

"With all those truncated zeroes in your checking account, you won't even know the amount deducted is missing. I get a snowmobile."

I knew my niece was smart, because of her IQ. However, I was beginning to think she also had a photographic memory. I was going to test her over the coming weeks and months, but I was almost sure of it already. She was like a sponge. Anything and everything she heard she was able to repeat verbatim. She might not be aware of her own talents at this point in her life, but as I observed her, I became more aware of the cues.

Rod's car screech to a halt beside mine ten minutes later. He jumped out, saw the driveshaft lying on the ground, and yelled, "I told you it was going to happen. Is she dead?"

Delicious jumped out of the car and yelled, "Surprise!"

"You bastard you lied to me. She doesn't have a scratch on her."

I said to my friend, "You are going to get your wish; I am going to buy a new car; actually two new cars. That's why I needed you here. You have to stay with this car, until a tow truck comes to get you. Have him drive you home. Delicious and I are going to spend more of my money."

"You and I have to sit down and discuss this Even. All the years I've known you, you have been a miser. You meet your niece and your whole personality changes. I don't know whether to commit you, or check to see if somebody has replaced the real Even Luck with a body double."

"Rod, how many people know about my Satellite Communication Link-up? What if I told you it had nothing to do with linking up satellites, but replacing them with fewer satellites by bending radio waves?"

"Even light and radio waves travel in a straight line. They can't be bent."

I looked Rod in the eye and smiled. He knew that smile too well to think I was kidding him.

"Even, if you can pull that off and they don't give you the Nobel, it's fixed."

"I want you to draw up an ironclad contract with Boeing, Raytheon, BAE, and Northrop. I'm going to run a test with it in less than six months. The heads of their Aerospace divisions gets to sit in on the test, but I want assurances all the way up to the presidents of their corporations, and the chairman's of the board that no one will use it to advance their own technology, or research in that area. I don't want them to talk about it to any other corporation, domestic, or foreign, either."

"I will take care of it."

Delicious said, "I want to see a copy of the document before you send it out."

Rod was about to say something, but I raised my hand to stop him.

"Please don't say another word, Rod. She started in on me at 9:30 this morning, and I haven't won an argument against her yet. Let her see the document. It can't do us any harm."

"Even, she said it to you in Waterville and it's true; she has you wrapped around her little finger."

"I agree, and she is changing me for the better. I am developing a personality, which I never had before. Maybe I'll meet someone, fall in love, get married, and have more children than you."

"Even, with your luck, all your children will be girls."

"Where did I tell you to send this fabulous child before I met her, Rod?"

"You told me to send her to boarding school."

"If I have all girls, and I have a problem with any of them, from the age of five and up, they will all go to boarding schools."

Delicious hit the back of my head and said, "Over my dead body, Uncle Even."

Rod fell to his knees, looked up into the clear blue sky, and said, "Thank you my Lord God, for showing me the way to get rid of her."

My niece laughed. "Forget it Rod; you don't have a prayer in hell of getting rid of me that easily. If I die, I will haunt you in your dreams forever. You won't get a decent night's sleep for the rest of your life."

"I told you she hates me Even."

"It's been fun children, but now we have a choice. We can stay here and talk all day, or we can go shopping. Which would you prefer, Niece Delicious?"

"Shotgun!"

"I thought so. I'll see you later Rod."

******

Forty-five minutes later Rod's car phone rang. I pushed the button on the steering wheel and said, "You just getting home Rod?"

"No, I'm still waiting for the tow truck. Which company did you call?"

"I didn't call anyone. I told you to call."

Delicious was already laughing, as she pictured Rod sitting on the hood of a hot car, fuming.

"You did not tell me to call for a tow truck. You told me that the tow truck driver would take me home."

"I told you to tell the tow truck driver to take you home."

"Even, you are a moron."

Delicious leaned towards the phone and said, "Rod which of these two people should be considered a moron? The man driving an air-conditioned car about to enter Denver, on a multilane highway, or a man, sitting on the hood of a disabled vehicle, on a two-lane road, sweating, waiting for a tow truck that he hasn't called for yet?"

"Delicious, have you ever heard of an 'Air Funeral?'"

"Of course, hasn't everyone? They use it in Tibet and other areas at extremely high altitudes, where it is difficult to bury people, and no trees to burn them to ashes. Do you want me to chop up your body, after you pass away, and have the vultures, and other birds of prey feast upon it, Rod?"

"I was thinking of using you for that purpose Delicious."

Very rarely at a loss for words, Delicious replied, "That's an excellent way to keep your spirits up Rod. A better way would be for you to use your cell phone, call for a tow truck, and get a ride home, before your battery dies. Of course, if you are willing to wait until later tonight, when we come home; you will be able to drive home in your own car."

"Delicious, I have come to the realization that I do not like you. Even though you are only sixteen years old, and have lived less than 1/6 of your expected lifespan, I must advise you that I do not like you one little bit. When I get my hands around your pretty throat, I will attempt to get my fingers to meet in the center, and kill you myself."

"Mister Laver, I believe you read my school transcript. Therefore you should remember what my highest grade was in all my courses. Am I correct?"

"Yes Miss Mark, you received a B in Physical Education."

"Would you like to know how and why I got that B in physical education Mister Laver?"

"I am all ears Miss Mark."

"The football coach said he was going to fail me in physical education, because I was not wearing the appropriate gym uniform, which naturally I was not. I told him if he did that I was going to knock him on his ass.

Mister Saunderson said, 'If you can knock me on my ass, I will give you a B."

After a delay of 15 seconds delay, Rod asked, "Are you going to finish that story, Miss Mark?"

"Uncle Even, how confident are you that Mister Laver actually passed the Bar exam?"

"At times like this Niece Delicious, I have to wonder myself."

Rod said, "Why, what did I miss?"

"I think you've been out in the sun too long, Rod. Think about the B on her report card; the coach's reply, the bet, and tie them all together. When you figure it all out, call me back." I pushed the button on the steering wheel and disconnected the phones."

"Even can the lack of sex cause a man's mind to go blank?"

"I wouldn't know; I've never had sex."

"That's right, I haven't had sex either. We will have to ask Roz."

"Roz could be the part of the problem. I told her to hit him over the head with a 2x4, so he would get his act together. Maybe she hit him too hard."

"I can't believe he hasn't called back yet."

"Well, it doesn't matter, because we are here."

We got out of the car, and continued talking. However, we did not start walking towards the main building, yet.

"You've already decided what cars were getting?"

"Yes."

"When did you do this, Uncle Even?"

"Yesterday."

"Why?"

"If I were to quote my niece, my car was a piece of garbage."

"I don't get a choice in what kind of car I get?"

"No, you don't. I can tell you this about your car; is not going to be white."

"Thank you very much Uncle Even. What made you decide on an Audi?"

"I asked my computer to analyze all the four-wheel-drive SUV's for safety. I put all the whistles and bells in the cars that it had to analyze and in eighty-seven seconds it came out as the Audi Q7 SUV. I called the dealer told him what I wanted. He gave me a price, and I said fine."

"Uncle Even, don't you know that you are never supposed to take the first price a dealer gives you. You're supposed to bargain with him, especially when you are buying two cars."

"There are other ways of cajoling business people into giving you the appropriate price the first time, Niece Delicious I own the land this business sits on. Actually, I own this entire block. It was an excellent investment, don't you think?"

The expression on Delicious' face went blank, and she staggered.

"Delicious, I have never seen you at a loss for words. Are you feeling all right?"

"Even, I..." She began crying.

I put my arms around my devastated niece, held her tightly to my chest, and gave her a few moments to adjust to what I just told her. I said in a very low and sympathetic voice, "Baby, there were times; so many times I offered this paradise to your mother, and she kept saying 'no.' I wanted to hire a person to get rid of your father so you and your mother could come here, live with me, and enjoy a wonderful life. I never mentioned killing your father to your mother, but every time she told me how much that bastard hurt her, I wanted desperately to end his rotten life. If my parents had let her have you out of wedlock, instead of forcing Divine to marry him, things would have been so much better for both of you. It's much too late now; much too late. What I wanted to do... What I should have done for both of you... and what I didn't do; will haunt me for the rest of my life."

A salesperson approached us, but I waved him away to give us a little privacy. He must have recognized me, because several minutes later I saw the general manager waiting to speak to me.

I asked Delicious if she was ready to continue, and she nodded her head. I gave her my handkerchief to wipe away her tears, and her nose. When she finally composed herself, I gently led her in the direction of the general manager, who greeted me warmly.

"Hello Mister Luck, I'm George Burns. Would you like to look around and pick out the colors of your cars? I can point out which cars meet your specifications."

Delicious punched me in the back. "You said you would never lie to me."

"I didn't lie to you. They didn't have two cars in bubblegum pink."

She looked at me and shook her head.

"Look at me Delicious. You have fifteen minutes to pick a color for your car. After that you can get into any one of the cars you like, and play inside it, while I speak to Mister Burns about certain options I want in them. Do you understand?"

Delicious nodded her head. She pulled at my hand; wanting me to release her so she could see her new toy.

"Delicious, it is 1:10 PM. I want you back with me at 1:25 PM. Do you understand?"

"Yes Uncle Even, can I go now?"

"Yes; Mister Burns associate will take you to the cars."

As she left George said to me, "That's quite a young lady you have there."

"Yes, she sure is. She has had one terrible week and she is handling it much better than I thought she would. I think the sky is going to collapse on her one day soon and the realization she lost her entire family is going to hit her like a ton of bricks. I just want to be around to catch her before she goes to pieces."

We walked into his office and with the extras I wanted put into the cars, he told me they would be delivered in 5 to 7 days. When the finance department was finished the paperwork, I handed the accountant my American Express card, thinking about how Rod would react to my next bill. I had just added $178,659.22 to that bill. I grinned as I pictured Rod's face as he transferred the funds next month.

Delicious ran into the office five minutes early, and said, "Dark Blue with the beige interior please."

Mister Burns nodded his head. He checked his board, and took down two sets of keys. He was about to hand a set of keys to allow Delicious to take her car for a test drive, when I told him she did not have her license yet. He put the keys on his desk.

She looked at me, and pouted.

I asked, "George could I get a loaner for the week. It would have to be delivered."

"I will take care of it Mister Luck; you will have it by tomorrow afternoon."

"Thank you very much; our business here is done. Now I have to buy my niece a bedroom set."

"You are in luck, Mister Luck. There is a large furniture store around the corner. You can leave your car here, instead of searching for a parking space."

"Thank you very much, George. We will be back as soon as she makes her decision."

***********

This was my first ever outing with a woman, alone, to buy furniture. I did not know what to expect. I had no idea that women were genetically coded to touch everything in a furniture store, before making a decision on what she wanted to purchase. Naturally, when Delicious made her selection, it was the first bedroom set she saw and liked when we walked into the store. I was thinking about taking Rod up on his offer to take her to the top of a mountain and leave her stranded there. We used two hours of our time to purchase a set of furniture, instead of the five minutes, when she first saw it. I was slightly annoyed with my niece. No, I was angry with her, but if I started an argument, I knew I would lose. I was beginning to wonder if she was secretly on the debate team."