Way to Go, College Boy

Patricia hugged my mother just as desperately and bawled. I wrapped my arms around both of them and couldn't help but cry along with them. Jeannie calmly steered the three of us across the parking lot, and we had to disengage from that awkward three-way hug to get inside the door. Jeannie grabbed Patricia and hugged her as soon as we were inside.

We went through a full box of tissues, crying our eyes out and hugging each other. Patricia was exhausted after the long drive. I took her into the bathroom and gently showered her body. Then I held her in my arms while she slept. Sleep just wouldn't come for me.

I was still awake four hours later when Joanne arrived. I could hear Mom welcoming her and the two of them talking softly. They peeked into my room and I gave them as warm a smile as I could muster. They smiled back and gently pulled the door closed before retreating to the other bedroom.

I think everyone else managed to get at least a little sleep. When Patricia woke up in my arms, she hugged me tightly and then leaned up for a kiss.

"Oh, Paul," she murmured sadly. "Didn't you sleep at all?"

I chuckled and shook my head. "I'm afraid not. Do I look that bad?"

"You look sexy as hell, but you look exhausted."

Coffee helped, at least a little. I managed to follow everything that was happening as we got through a very long day.

Joanne was simply amazing as she took charge. She knew exactly what to say and what to do. I managed to follow directions, leaving the room when she had Patricia tell her all the sordid details. It was tough, of course. I wanted to charge back into the room to hold Patricia every time she broke down crying. I had my mom or my sister holding me tightly and keeping me calm every time that happened.

Whenever my head started pounding, my brother's voice was there, calmly telling me to breathe.

Joanne had to make some unpleasant phone calls. We all understood that she was legally and ethically required to report the abuse once she was aware of it. She knew a woman at the state attorney's office. Since the crimes had taken place in another state, it took several more calls between those offices to get everything sorted out. When Joanne's friend called to inform us that Patricia's father had been arrested, none of us were really happy about it.

This would slam the door on Patricia's biological family. They would never again be a part of her life. I will never forget the look on her face when Patricia got the news. She was grim, but so unbelievably beautiful in that moment. I could not resist grabbing her and holding her.

"I love you so much," I whispered.

"Paul, you're crushing me," she replied.

"Sorry!" I gasped, releasing her immediately.

She was smiling up at me when I looked down at her, with tears in her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered.

* * *

Joanne took me aside and steered me into my bedroom, closing the door softly behind us.

"Have a seat," she said. When I plopped down on the bed, she surprised me by unzipping my shorts and pulling out my dick. She sighed sadly to see I was soft. "I was afraid of that," she murmured. She knelt between my legs and started stroking my shaft while looking into my eyes. "Paul, Patricia is going to need you to make love to her. That's probably going to happen pretty soon. When it does, you need to be hard and ready for her. That girl has been through hell, and she needs to know you still think she's sexy."

My dick slowly responded to that stimulation. "Of course she's sexy!" I blurted. "She is so beautiful and strong. I feel lucky—"

"Yes, but you need to show her that," she interjected. "She feels damaged, Paul. When you make love to her, she has to know that you don't see her that way. She needs to know that you still want her despite what happened, and that her past won't cripple your future together." She licked her way around the head of my cock and smiled when it responded to that stimulation. Her voice was a throaty growl when she continued. "Can you do that for me, Paul? Can you get this gorgeous cock nice and hard so you can fuck sweet Patricia?"

"Damn," I groaned.

It didn't take long for her to have me completely hard in her mouth. Like, maybe four seconds. Joanne pulled her mouth off and looked at my throbbing, wet boner sticking straight up in my lap.

"Good boy," she murmured. Then she sighed. "I wish I could...never mind." She patted my thigh as she stood up.

Not two hours later, I was back in my room with Patricia. She moaned deliriously when I filled her needy little pussy with my hard cock.

"You are so damned sexy. I am the luckiest man in the world," I breathed as I fucked her in my bed.

It was completely true. It was also exactly what both of us needed in that moment. Joanne gave us a loving smile when we came out afterward.

* * *

That evening, a gentleman from the state attorney's office came to our apartment. He had to take Patricia's statement. I was there, and I listened while the man spoke to Patricia, Joanne, and my mother. I was just so exhausted at that point that I had nothing to add and I was having trouble following everything.

Joanne nodded to my sister, then me, and then toward the kitchen. Jeannie nodded and helped me out of the living room. She kissed me as she put a fresh cup of coffee in front of me at the counter. "You need to get some sleep," she murmured softly.

"I know," I replied, taking a sip. "I don't think I'll be able to fall asleep until this is all over, though."

She held me and sighed, rubbing my back while I sat on the bar stool and drank my coffee. I was surprised when the gentleman from the state attorney's office nodded at us on his way out the door. I turned on the stool and watched all four women file into the kitchen. They talked softly as they fixed coffee and then sat around the dining room table.

Mom reached over and squeezed Joanne's hand. There was so much admiration on her face it bordered on worship. "Thank you so much, Joanne," she said. "I don't know how we would have gotten through this without you." Patricia and Jeannie nodded in agreement.

Joanne was sitting with her back to me, but I saw her nod and then she took a long sip of her coffee. "I was just glad I could be here for you. I have the training for this, after all. I love you all so much, and I'm just glad you called." She turned to me with a loving smile on her face and reached over to squeeze my knee. "That was quick thinking on your part, when you made that call."

I shook my head. "Oh, I can't really take credit for that. Trevor told me to call you."

Four pairs of eyeballs widened and stared at me. Mom was the first to clear her throat and speak.

"What did you say?"

I sighed and rubbed my forehead. I was really too tired to get into this now...

"Never mind," I tried feebly.

"No," Joanne said firmly. "What did you mean by that?"

"Trevor...talks to me sometimes," I said.

Mom, Jeannie, and Patricia got sad smiles on their faces. Mom swallowed a lump in her throat.

"Whenever things seem bad and I don't know what to do, I can hear him," I said, moving my hand beside the right side of my head. "Sometimes he chews me out, tells me to, 'Get your head out of your ass!'" I said it in my best "Trevor impersonation" and Mom and Jeannie both chuckled softly. "All day long, he's been telling me to relax and breathe when I thought my head was going to explode."

All through my explanation, Mom, Jeannie, and Patricia looked at me like it was beautiful but sad. Joanne had a completely different expression. When she spoke again, it was clearly as "Doctor Caruthers."

"Paul, do you recall when you had your first episode of hearing your brother's voice?"

That changed everything. Hearing her put it that way made everyone sit up and pay close attention, including me.

"I think the first time was a couple of weeks after the funeral," I replied.

"Do you think you actually hear him talking, like he's in the room, or is it just a voice inside your head?"

As soon as I thought about it, I realized I hadn't analyzed this at all. It was pretty obvious when she put it that way. "I hear his voice, like he's in the room. It's always from behind me and to the right." I shook my head. "I can't believe I never even thought about that before."

"Oh, God," Patricia breathed, turning pale. Joanne and my sister both looked grim.

My mom was the only one who didn't see it. "What?" she asked, looking around at all of us, "Why is that such a big deal?"

Jeannie was shaking when she muttered, "Mom, Paul probably has a brain tumor."

* * *

I was so exhausted that I finally fell asleep as soon as I was admitted to the hospital that night. I kept dozing off and waking up, so I caught a lot of conversations when the people around me thought I was still asleep. The first time, Joanne was talking with my doctor and an attending physician. That was what woke me up, even though they were talking quietly. I opened my eyes and looked to my left. Mom was seated between my sister and Patricia, and they were all holding hands. Mom was obviously crying. I looked closer and saw they all had been.

"We'll get through this," Jeannie said, squeezing my mother's hand.

Mom turned to Patricia. "You know you're still a part of our family, even if Paul doesn't make it," she blurted.

That was too much for all of them, emotionally. They sobbed and held each other until I managed to clear my throat.

"Hey," I croaked. I smiled at them. "You are so beautiful, you know that?"

"Oh, Paul!" my mother said, wiping her eyes as she got to her feet. They came over and squeezed my hand, my shoulder, and my knee. I reached up and lightly touched each of them.

"It's going to be all right," I said.

I don't remember falling back asleep, but I woke up when they were wheeling me in for my MRI. I dozed off again while I was inside the machine, but I woke up when I heard one of the technicians mutter, "Yeah, that looks malignant."

Fuck.

The two technicians looked startled to see I was looking at them.

"Mind if I have a look?" I asked.

"Um...okay," the guy replied.

It was tough for me to figure out what I was looking at. The technician pointed out the tumor for me. It looked like a little octopus nestled inside my brain, with two tentacles wrapped around my auditory nerve. My stomach did a little flip-flop when I stared at the thing.

"Are you guys going to be able to get that out of there?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, nodding. "Dr. Bloomgarden is really, really good. The problem with this kind of tumor..." He looked at me and shook his head. "Look, I'm just an MRI tech here. The doctor is more qualified to tell you this sort of thing."

"Come on, man," I said. "Please tell me."

He looked at the other technician, who shrugged. Then he looked back at me. "The trick is keeping you alive long enough to get the tumor out. It's wrapped around a lot of vital nerves and an artery."

"Oh," I said. I felt like I had to swallow, but my mouth was suddenly dry when I tried. "Thanks."

* * *

My surgeon was not only skilled at operating on the brain, he was really smooth when he explained everything to my family. He didn't try to sugar-coat it when he told them I could die from the surgery. But it was a "one-hundred percent death sentence if we leave it in there."

"It's actually really fortunate that we caught it now," he went on. "In another month, it would probably be inoperable. Then we'd just be trying to keep you comfortable until...well, you know." He pointed to one of the 3-D MRI scans. "The tumor just expanded into this section here, but it isn't yet touching that artery. Over here, it's wrapped around this nerve bundle and artery, but I should be able to extract it without damaging any of those."

It was going to be complicated surgery. Fortunately, this guy had plenty of experience. He would need all of it.

* * *

I woke up again really late that night. Jeannie was sobbing uncontrollably in my mother's arms next to my bed. Nobody else was in the room.

"Shh. It's okay," Mom reassured her.

"Oh, Mom, I feel terrible," Jeannie whispered. "I love Patricia to death, but I have been so jealous. I wanted Paul all to myself. I just know I'll never find another guy like him, no matter what! And now...God, we can't lose him!"

"I understand, sweetheart. It's been even tougher for me," mom murmured softly. She looked out the open doorway carefully before she went on. "You can never tell anyone, but I have felt the same way."

"Really?"

"Mmm-hmm. It may have been even worse for me, though. I'm his mother. There's no way he and I could—Oh, Paul! You're awake!"

"Mmm," I murmured. "Hey. What time is it?"

Jeannie got shakily to her feet and held my water bottle so I could sip from the straw.

I managed to act like I hadn't heard that intimate conversation, even though it had left me shaken.

* * *

I felt sick to my stomach when they came in and shaved my head. It wasn't that I was losing my hair. It was just the sickening reality setting in. I was going to have brain surgery, and I could die. I squeezed Patricia's hand and looked up at her. She was too close to tears. I couldn't tell her I loved her and watch her cry again. We shared a brave smile, and I knew that she knew.

I would always love her, no matter what.

I know they had to keep me awake for the brain surgery. By all accounts, I was alert and responsive. Dr. Bloomgarden said it was extremely helpful while he was inside my brain and operating. I don't remember any of it.

* * *

All I remember was the dream.

I was walking through a white fog, and then I spotted a familiar door flanked by bushes. I opened it and walked in to our old house. There was a familiar-looking guy with his back to me, dressed in a military uniform. When Trevor turned and grinned at me, my heart sank.

"Shit. Did I die, or is this a dream?" I asked.

I was surprised that I got those words out. In my previous dreams, I hadn't been able to say anything like that. I hadn't been able to tell my brother I was dreaming or that he had died. I hadn't even been able to tell him that I had missed him.

"Relax, it's a dream," Trevor chuckled. "Don't look so shocked. Just because it's a dream doesn't mean we can't talk. Have a seat."

I sat at our old dining room table and looked at my hands. Unlike my previous dreams in which I had seen my brother, I was an adult. Always before I had been in my 14-year-old body—the age I had been when my brother died.

"You're looking good, Paul," Trevor said. Then he grinned a little wickedly, like he so often would when he delivered the punch line of a good joke. "All that sex must be agreeing with you."

"Oh, you know about that?" I asked. He laughed and slapped me on my shoulder.

"Yeah," he said, nodding. "It makes me wish I was still alive so I could get in on that action. I can't believe how hot Jeannie is these days." He shook his head and looked at me, then sighed and pulled off his beret, setting it on the table and running his hand through his short hair. "That wasn't what I came here to talk to you about, though. There are a couple of things you really need to remember when you wake up."

I leaned forward and licked my lips. "Okay. Does that mean I'm going to make it through this surgery?"

"Obviously."

"Well, that's a relief. Will I have brain damage? Will I remember any of this?"

Trevor laughed and shook his head. "Come on, Paul. I'm not a brain surgeon. I think you'll be fine."

We both chuckled, and then he got a serious look on his face.

"Look, when you wake up, Mom is going to try to distance herself from you. She feels guilty because she wants you so bad, and she doesn't want to interfere in your life with Patricia. Don't let that happen. You have to sit her down—you and Patricia—and tell her in no uncertain terms that you want her in your life. If you don't specifically say you want her as your mother, your lover, and the grandmother of your baby, she's going to try to leave...and that doesn't turn out well." Trevor's face held a grim look. It was eerie the way he looked off into the distance like he was seeing the future.

I turned and looked in that direction, but all I saw was the wall between the dining room and the laundry room. When I turned back, he was grinning again. "You knucklehead," he laughed.

"What about Jeannie?" I asked.

"She should be fine, but there is one more thing I need you to do—for me. Can you do that?"

I nodded.

"I have another brother, a guy from my unit. You'll know him as soon as you see him. He's hurting, Paul. It's been years, but he blames himself that I died. I need you to reach out to him. Bring him into the family, and let him know that I don't blame him for anything. It wasn't his fault. Can you do that for me?"

"Sure," I said.

We both stood up, and Trevor gave me a sad smile before bringing me in for that huge bear hug. "I'm going to miss you, little brother," he murmured into my ear.

"I'll miss you too," I said. My heart sank again. Somehow, I knew this was it. I wouldn't ever have that reassuring voice in my head, or visit my brother in my dreams.

There were tears in my eyes when I blinked and found myself in the recovery room. Then I just cried. I let it all out, bawling like a baby there in that hospital ward. This was worse than hearing Trevor had died, worse than the funeral, worse than hearing my dad had abandoned us. I had finally lost that last little bit of my brother.

Oh, I know there wasn't really a choice. The tumor would have killed me. It still left me with a feeling of loss that would take me years to get over. Who am I kidding? I'm still not over it. I'm just better at going on with my life.

* * *

I wasn't home two days before my mother started acting squirrelly. I was still on pain killers, and only got out of bed with assistance to go to the bathroom. Most of the time I was dozing on and off while this stuff was happening.

Mom insisted Jeannie needed to go back to school, even though she could have taken more time off. After she had rather brusquely escorted Joanne out to her car the morning after Jeannie left, she started pacing around the apartment. She looked like a caged animal. That was when I remembered what Trevor had told me. She looked like she was trying to come up with an excuse to get out of the apartment and leave me and Patricia alone, so I gave her one.

"Mom, could you do me a huge favor?" I asked.

She blinked and rushed over. "Of course, Sugar."

I chuckled. "It's funny you called me that. I'm really in the mood for something sweet and chocolaty. Would you mind baking some brownies?"

She gave me a beautiful smile and squeezed my hand. "Of course."

As soon as she left the room, Patricia leaned over to give me a smooch. "It's good to see you have your appetite back," she said softly.

"Hold on a second," I whispered.

Mom came back a moment later, looking apologetic. "We don't have any brownie mix," she said. "Will you be okay while I go shopping?"

"Of course, Mom," I said with a smile. "You probably could use a break. You've been cooped up in the house for days now. Go, take your time. We'll be here waiting for you when you get back."

She looked at me a little suspiciously. "You know you can't have sex yet," she stated.

I laughed. "Mom, nobody knows more than me that I'm lucky just to be alive. I'm not about to push it, no matter how sexy the women around me are." I held up my left hand, softly touching the bandage on my head. "I promise I won't try to talk Patricia into anything. Patricia, will you promise Mom you won't molest me while she's gone?"

It looked like she was going to make a joke, until I gave her a serious look and shook my head slightly. Then Patricia licked her lips and squeezed my hand before looking at Mom.