Bard's Tale 01 - The Beginning

"It's just that she's so grumpy! And getting grumpier every year. How long has it been, Tahna? How many years since the last big Oh? Five? More? Oh my God, has it been ten?"

"You're still doing it." Tahna folded her arms and sat back, edging toward anger. "You'd think you'd learn by now. You're like a dog gnawing on a bone long since devoid of any further sustenance, but you're stuck in a habit. A very bad habit that could very well end up getting you hurt."

Mindal's face grew incredulous. "Has it been fifteen years? Twenty?"

"My sex life is none of your business, Mindal."

"You know, ever since you fell in love with that woman in the Caloren States, you've been such a dour woman. I can't remember the last time I heard you actually laugh."

"Her name is Lysandra Darkmoon," Tahna replied quietly. "Stop pushing, Mindal. I'm warning you."

Mindal shook her head. "I'd go raving bonkers if I had to go even a few months without a man to grease my inner plumbing. No wonder you're so tense all the time. Tia, please talk to her. Or, better yet, we'll both get her drunk and let the boys line up."

Tahna narrowed her brown eyes at Mindal.

"If that's not your cup of tea," the youngest sister persisted, "Then we can take you to the temple, and get you someone skilled. Someone who could lick you good enough to blow your boots off your feet." Mindal put her mandolin back into its case, then set it carefully aside.

"Are you completely crazy?" Tahna snapped back. "Even if I wanted to do that -- which I don't! -- a lot of men don't respect you once they've had their cock inside you. Their little head tells their bigger one that squirting jizz inside your pussy means they can boss you around -- even if you outrank them. You can be so dense sometimes. You don't have sex with the people you work with, Mindal! It's a good rule in business, but an imperative in both religion and politics."

"Tahna's right, Mindal," Tia added sternly, "Besides, you're being terribly rude. It would be one thing if she'd solicited your advice. She hasn't, and she's asked you to stop. So stop it, right now."

The bard shook her head. "You are my sisters. You are the best friends I have. Bar none. But don't you get bored? I mean, yes, there have been a few years we've taken time off. But even when that happens, we fall back into this routine. Winter in New Brittany. In the spring, we head north to City of the Suns. By summer, we're in Sharaton-Charlottesville. Late fall, it's back to City of the Suns. Then New Brittany for winter. Over and over again. It's no longer a routine. It's a rut!"

"She's bored, so she's trying to pick a fight," Tahna muttered. "Please do something, Tia."

Mindal continued on. "We've been making this trip for what? Thirty years? I love you both dearly. We've been through a lot of tough scrapes together--"

"Mindal!" Tahna warned.

"We love you, too, Mindal," Tia responded, trying to deflect the brewing fight. It was the same argument Mindal had made for the past four years. It was usually over quickly enough, but Tia found the fight unpleasant all the same. Worse, it seemed that the two women carried the ill feelings longer each year. One day it might be enough to turn decades of love into loathing, perhaps even hate. Tia shook her head. She'd fight hard to keep that from ever happening.

Fortunately, no matter how angry Tahna got, she never hit family.

"You've been married once, Tia--"

"Don't remind her," Tahna said with a growl. "Picking on me is bad enough, but where you are going is out of bounds."

Mindal glanced at her oldest sister, her green eyes pleading for support.

Tia nodded grimly, determined to head off the fight. "I know what you're driving at Mindal, but when I got married, I got a man consumed by jealousy. Someone who tried to exert more and more control over me. Treating me as if he owned me! It was the worst emotional experience I've ever had. It's almost forty years, and thinking about it still twists my guts. He was so different when courting me! At first I tried to discourage him. But he persisted. After all, my twin sister Theodonra found a man she adored, didn't she? And had several babies, a great career, and has had a happy life. Why not me, too? And I guess I felt special from the attention."

"You are special," Tahna assured Tia, her demeanor softening. "Do not doubt that, Tia."

"Thank you, Tahna. But it was like Ferd was two different men. One was the charming, sweet, bachelor, while my husband was a controlling, manipulative monster. I put up with more than two years of his verbal abuse. Before he was called to fight in the war against St. Petersburg, he got so angry, I think he actually considered hitting me."

"If he had hurt you, I'd have broken both his arms," Tahna avowed. "It was hard enough listening to his verbal poison."

"Trust me," Tia assured them, "If he ever had hit me, he would have been divorced and charged in court so fast, he would have been wind-burned."

"It was still difficult to endure. If you'd but said the word, I would have tossed him and his possessions out the door before he knew what had happened."

Mindal plopped back into her seat. "Mother calls us the Three Musketeers, you know."

"That again?" Tahna rolled her eyes as the rest of her relaxed against her seat.

"Have you read it? It's a book from Earth, written in French. Alexandre Dumas."

"I know what it is, and no, I haven't read it," Tahna replied. "Haven't you seen Mayet? She read the book, and now dresses like a musketeer. Blue tabard and blue cape. Big floppy hat with a great big fluffy feather! Gods know where she found that gun or where she gets her bullets from. It makes a frightening sound whenever she uses it! Like there's even a France on this planet. Mayet acts like she's a French Musketeer, but we are not. We've done work for the duchess and the queen, but they aren't French by any measure. And despite how Mayet wishes otherwise, she certainly doesn't work for King Louis."

"That's all superficial." Mindal waved her hand in dismissal. "Athos is the dour nobleman. That's you, Tahna. Dour. I can't remember the last time I saw you really laugh. Smile a little, yes. But not laugh. Me? I'm Porthos. Not so much into the gaudy clothes, but I like fancy parties. And you, Tia--"

Suddenly tense, Tahna leaned forward, shouting, "Shut up, Mindal! Now!"

"-- you're Aramis, the warrior hesitant about committing to the church."

Tia closed her eyes. Took a deep breath. Swallowed. "Is that what you think of me? That I'm hesitant about the church?"

Suddenly realizing what she'd said, seeing how badly she'd wounded her big sister, Mindal was stricken. "Oh, gods, Tia, that's not what I meant--"

"I hope you're happy," Tahna snarled.

"I love the church," Tia replied, tears suddenly spilling from her eyes. "I love serving the Lawgiver, the Earth Mother, and the Son of Heaven. I've given more than fifty years service to the church and the people who seek our help. How could you think I'm not committed?"

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you, Tia. My comparison got away from me. Take this a measure of how desperate I'm becoming. I haven't been this carriage for ten minutes, and all I've managed to do is hurt you both and to make you angry. I can't imagine living my life without either of you. But we've done the same thing, year after year, decade after decade. You two ride into town, solve problems while I sing and party, and then we all ride out to the next stop. A giant, nomadic merry-go-round -- no, a giant hamster wheel! Spinning around and around, going nowhere, trapped and unable to break free. Yes, we touch peoples lives and yes, make a difference. But we don't connect with anyone but ourselves. There has to be more!"

Tahna put her arm around Tia and drew her close, kissing the top of her head, hoping to ease her sister's hurt. When Tia wiped her eyes and pulled away, she let her go.

"What do you propose, Mindal?" Tia asked calmly.

"I don't know! I look at others having families, and I find myself wondering what that would be like. Maybe that's what I'm missing. I haven't tried it, so I don't know. I can't hurt to try, can it?"

"Stop taking birth control," Tahna snapped. "You fuck enough strangers. You'll be bred quick enough."

"Tahna, I know she was rude to you earlier, but that's no cause to be nasty back."

"Did you hear her, Tia? Mindal says she's curious. But a person shouldn't have kids just because they're curious. You should have kids because you really want them. Because your heart's so full that you need give the extra love to a baby. Kids are a commitment. They are with you forever. Even if they die before you do."

Tia took Tahna's hand and squeezed it. Staying with you forever. Like Martin's ghost.

Mindal suddenly looked at Tia in realization. "You lost a baby, didn't you!"

Tia nodded. "I quit taking birth control after my marriage to Ferd. For a long time, I never caught. But he refused to be tested, and after a while, he took to blaming me for it. I'd even forgotten I wasn't taking anything. Then, I suddenly was pregnant. When I first got married, I wanted a baby. But as he became meaner and meaner, the thought of having him remaining any longer in my life filled me with revulsion. Just before he left, we were fighting. Again. I can't even remember what it was that he was yelling about. Just that he said I was to blame for whatever he was angry about. He was saying hurtful things. Like I was worthless. Barren as the desert. A cold, heartless bitch unable to make a baby. What good was I if I couldn't have kids? He was in my face, and he was so angry. I began to worry that he might even hit me, so I backed away. I fell over a chair, and crashed into another one."

She took a ragged breath, then a second, slower one before continuing. "After Ferd stormed off, I miscarried. I never told him about the baby. At the time, there was such a sense of relief from knowing that I wouldn't have a child tying me to him for the rest of my life. But there was part of me that really wanted that baby. A few days later, he was killed in battle. I was both happy and ashamed at the news. I hated him, but not enough to want him dead. It took a long time to let that hatred go.

"I know it was hard on you, Tahna, and even you, too, Mindal, watching and hearing his cutting, cruel words. I told myself, he'd been so good before, and that if I just loved him enough, we'd get through it, that he'd realize what he was doing was wrong. But that's not how it works. Something or someone has to take the control away from them. In the meantime, they continue on. To an abuser, it is always another's fault. They keep hammering at your self-esteem because theirs is often such a rotten mess, so they stomp on yours to make them feel better than you. They are broken, and need to make you even more broken. Every day. Because, after all, you're so worthless, they are doing a good thing by taking pity on such a worthless piece of garbage like you. The truth, however, is that it's their message itself that is the garbage. Most days, I know that. I should never had stayed as long as I did, but I kept believing that all I needed was enough love and he'd change. I was an idiot. Even now -- the abuse and the baby -- it's like it was yesterday and it hurts deep all over again."

"There are prayers and spells to make it hurt less," Tahna said quietly.

"It helps remind me, sometimes, how easy it is for anyone to fall into that kind of trap. Some people say I'm brilliant, and full of wisdom. But if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone who's not strong enough, or wise enough to avoid becoming trapped. I enjoy helping others. It gives me satisfaction. And that's how Ferd seduced me into being his willing victim."

"Tahna? You knew about this? That was what, 2054? For forty years, you two kept this secret from me?" When Mindal turned back, she caught a look between her two older sisters.

"Oh, gods above, now I see it. Tahna doesn't need to look for sex from others. She's getting it from you." Tears began to leak from her eyes.

Both of them looked at each other, shocked.

"What fool I've been! Have you two been laughing at me all these years? Sharing your secret joke between yourselves? Laughing at stupid little Mindal who was too blind to see what's been right in front of her face all this time? How long has this been going on?" Mindal angrily wiped at her eyes.

"Mindal, dear sister, we would never treat you so basely," Tia said. "We might tease you, but you tease us, too."

"This wasn't about you! Have you heard the words and missed their meaning?" Tahna demanded. "This wasn't about keeping things from you. At the time this happened and for several years afterward, you were teaching full time at the music school. We hardly ever saw you!"

Mindal crossed her arms, holding herself. "Then how come Tahna knows you lost a baby, and I'm just learning about it now?"

Tia shook her head. "It just never came up. And I wanted to just put it behind me. I didn't tell you to hurt you, Mindal. Tahna and I don't talk about it. Her, probably out of respect for my privacy, and me? It's a painful memory that I'd rather not revisit."

Mindal leaned forward. "But this is exactly what I've been talking about. Connections. Feeling close to someone. Gods, Tia, I want to feel love! I want to wake up next to someone I really care about and know that he feels the same way about me. I don't have that." Her voice hitched, then she continued.

"I hate what happened to you. I do. But I'm like a boat on a river with no means of steering. I feel out of control. And it's affecting my music, too! I wrote 'Tickle My Toes' when I was thirty years old. I didn't publish it for the longest time because I thought it a trite bit of nonsense, and when I finally did, it was out of sheer desperation. I haven't written anything new in... in years. Everything I've done for the past decade has been derivative, inane crap. The paper it's written on is worth more in the latrine -- where it could find a better use."

Mindal took a long, steadying breath.

"Take your time," Tia urged. "We all a bit raw right now. And it seems we're all closer to the edge than we'd like to admit."

The bard nodded. "I just want us to think about what we've been doing. Every year we make our trip, and we travel to the same places. The repetition... it's becoming intolerable. I can't even create because I feel cut off from... everything important! Life, love. Joy. Happiness. I love you both, truly I do. But I'm also starting to hate you, too, because it's like we are prisoners sharing the same cell. Can you understand what I'm trying to say to you? I can't bear to leave you, but at the same time, I'm dying inside. And right now, I wonder if you even need me! You two, you have the church. But me? I'm here to entertain you, just like I entertain everyone else. I'm as much use as a picture on the wall. A pleasant distraction, but nothing to bother about. Tell me, Tia! Tahna! Why am I even here? Why?"

"Mindal --" Tia began.

"No! I've had sex and I've been fucked. But I can't remember when the last someone made love to me. I used to feel bad about it, but now all I can feel is emptiness. My body is young, but inside I'm a withered up old woman who's getting tired of her life." Mindal pulled her knees up to her chest and began to cry.

At a look from Tia, they both moved their packs, and pulled at Mindal to join them on their seat.

"You don't need me," Mindal sobbed as she half-resisted. "Just leave me alone!"

"Hush that nonsense, Mindal," Tahna told her quietly. "Believe me. We do need you. We are not musketeers, but we are the Three Landers Sisters. We seek to put right whatever we can. Tia heals the sick in body and mind, I catch the bad guys and keep you two safe, and you heal the hearts and souls of those around you with your music. You heal us, too. Even when you are hurting inside, your music helps others."

"We love you," Tia said, finally tugging Mindal onto her lap. Then she saw the dark circles under Mindal's eyes. "When was the last time you slept well, dear heart?"

"I don't know. Maybe a few weeks," she mumbled.

Tahna began unlacing her boots, pulling them off, one by one. Reaching under the seat, she opened the cabinet and pulled out a woolen blanket. When the blanket was settled around them, Tahna began to massage Mindal's feet.

Tia held her sister, murmuring quietly. One hand touched the magical pendant on her neck, and the other the back of Mindal's head. Restful sleep was bestowed, and Mindal, moaning a bit at Tahna's expert finger work on her feet, immediately relaxed and began to drift.

Once she was fully asleep, Tahna asked, "She's feeling worse than we are. She went about it like a bull in a china shop, but she's right. We need a change, Tia. What shall we do?"

Tia paused before answering. "I've not given it any thought, but now I think you haven't been with anyone since you lost Lysandra. Do you even touch yourself?"

"No. I can't. Not without thinking about her. But why is it okay for Silmodan to grieve for years, but I can't?"

"Sister, Silmodan at least jerks off once in awhile. Don't ask me how I know, but I do. You're too passionate a woman to deny that part of your life for so long. It's not good-- "

"It's my life!"

Tia sighed. "Yes. Yes, it is. If you want to talk, as your sister or your priestess, I will listen. And as your priestess, I strongly suggest you take the time to do so soon! Blessed Mother, what mess we are! How can we give to others when we are so lost ourselves?"

"So what should we do, big sister?"

"I'm not sure. Let me think about it. No. Rather, let me pray about it."

Tahna nodded. Tia almost always had the right answer. Prayer was a good choice.

* * * * *

Part 2

* * * * *

Things were quiet in camp that night. Tia set up the protective wards, the meals were cooked, and animals fed and cared for.

A few caravaners looked with disappointment at the sleeping Mindal as Tahna carried her sister into their shared tent. No doubt they'd hoped for some music. Mindal Landers was a talented singer.

After people began to bed down for the night, Tahna approached the camp perimeter where Elisabeth Landers, her half-sister and fellow warrior monk, stood the night watch.

Elisabeth was the eldest child of Morgan, their father's fifth wife. Whilst growing up, Elisabeth had converted to the Kemer faith of their father's fourth wife, Renenet. A few inches shorter than Tahna, she had a lighter complexion, auburn hair, and blue-green eyes. Not only was she a formidable martial artist, comparable in skill to Tahna, she was also a powerful psionicist. Whereas Tahna wore a tan gi with dark brown cuffs and lapels of her faith, Elisabeth's gi was a golden brown with sienna-brown bordering. And, in keeping with all Kemer priests to wear white, a wide, white ribbon was entwined in her thick braid. Like Tahna, Elisabeth kept her braid wrapped tight against her head.

"Hey, Tahna. How's Mindal doing?"

"Sleeping. Tia's keeping her company."

Elisabeth smiled in relief. "I'm glad. Tia's good at soothing people." For privacy's sake, she switched from high elven to French. "Mindal's been troubled for a while."

When she saw Tahna nod in acknowledgment, she continued. "Did you know that she's been drinking at night to get herself to sleep? Not all the time, but enough that our mothers have noticed. And it's progressing."

Tahna looked at her sharply. "No, I was not aware of that."

"That's why I mentioned it. If it continues, her body will demand she drink more. If she becomes an alcoholic, they will tell Father. And you know he will take steps."

"Thanks. I appreciate the heads up, and I'll pass it along to Tia. Are you going with us all the way to City of the Suns?"