In The Name of Science

All day I hoped to get a call or a text from her saying she wasn't going but it never came. I thought sure, after the previous night's talk, she'd stay home this time, especially since she knew I was aware of her lie about the contract. Just like last time, I held my breath all the way home only to be disappointed.

As soon as I stepped into my empty house I called Cheryl to see if we were on for the night. She sounded excited and gave me a resounding yes. I grabbed a bite, took a shower, and headed over there.

She was in that damn full length blue robe again when she answered the door. As I walked inside she stepped back and struck a pose with one knee sticking out from the opening in the terrycloth. "Do you like red?" she asked as she slid the wrap down her shoulders and let it fall to the floor. There she stood like a model wearing a small, lace push up bra, a pair of matching bikini panties, a garter belt, stockings, and high heels...all in red. My cock hadn't gotten hard that quickly in years.

"I wrote a poem," she said. "If you like red, come join me in bed." She was using a husky sexy voice. "Well, stud, do you like red?"

I responded only with a big grin.

She was like a different woman. She gave even more than she got. She didn't suck me off but she had my cock in her mouth on numerous occasions, usually to assist in getting it hard again. Of course I returned the favor in spades and brought her to climax several times with my tongue. Couple that with the number of times she came with my cock and I'd venture to say she had a good night, I know I sure did. I couldn't remember the last time I came three times in one session like that. She finally cried for mercy and I was sure glad she did; I was spent. I had nothing left.

On the way home I thought about the evening. I hoped I wasn't getting too involved with something I wasn't going to be able to stop without hurting Cheryl. We had just finished two and a half hours of extremely enjoyable sex. It was obvious how much she'd missed it since the death of her husband. God, he must have been a happy man with a dynamo like Cheryl waiting for him to come home every night.

I was also feeling guilty. The whole situation was pulling at me from twenty different directions at once. I just didn't know how much more I could take. Even after explaining to Kendra how badly her actions were hurting me she still refused to quit. Several times now, I'd drawn a line in the sand only to have her step over each one. It appeared she wasn't about to back down no matter how badly she hurt me or damaged our relationship, she was going to ride this trial to the end.

I took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh as I pulled into my drive. I guess I should prepare for the worst, I told myself. I decided to get some recommendations for a lawyer the next day.

It was only a little after eleven when I walked in. Kendra was waiting up. As soon as she heard the door close she clicked off the TV and turned to face me.

"Have a good time?" she asked with bitterness.

"Yes, I did," I replied as if she'd asked if I liked dinner. "How about you?"

"Darin, if you're doing this to hurt me, you've succeeded. It's not like you to act out of revenge like this. I wish you'd stop."

"Kendra, have you heard nothing I've said over the past few days? Forget the part about you stabbing me in the heart and hurting me more than anyone ever has, my feelings apparently mean nothing to you. I told you from the start that I was not going to go without sex for three months."

"I thought you'd just masturbate. Christ, Darin, single guys go for longer periods than that without sex. I don't see why you can't just use your hand for three months."

"Let me ask you, why can't you just masturbate at the clinic after taking the pill? Why do you have to have sex with a man?"

"Because it wouldn't be the same; they wouldn't be able to get the same reactions that they get with two people having sex."

"There you are, you just answered your own question. I'm going to bed, good night."

For the first time since this mess started, I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I have no idea what time Kendra came to bed but she was on her side of the mattress when I got up.

My service department opens at seven but the rest of the dealership doesn't open until nine so I had a two hour wait before I could talk to Craig, the owner. I told him I was having family problems and there might be a divorce in my near future. He had met Kendra on many occasions through the years and told me he was sorry to hear that. I told him I might have to take a couple hours off here and there over the next week or so. I'd been with him for many years and he knew I wouldn't let anything slide so he said it was no problem. He asked if there was anything else he could do. He offered to talk to her on my behalf but I told him, although I appreciated the offer, I didn't think it would help.

I asked him if he knew of any good divorce attorneys. He was a happily married man but you never know. He said no but suggested I talk to Sue in the billing office. When he said that, I remembered hearing about her divorce, I even offered my condolences at the time. I stopped and talked to her on the way back to the service area. She couldn't remember the name of her attorney, it had been a little over a year ago, but she said he was very good. She told me she still had his card at home and would bring it the next day. In the mean time I started going through the yellow pages as soon as I got back to my office.

The following week I had three appointments set up, one of which was with the lawyer Sue recommended. He was actually the one I went with. I don't know if he was any better than the others I talked to but I liked his demeanor. We talked for a couple of hours regarding my situation and the division of assets.

The kids' college fund wasn't to be touched by either of us. The house was almost paid for and would probably sell for around three hundred thousand so we'd split that down the middle. We had both been paying into our four O one k's and we made about the same amount of money every year so there would be no child support, no alimony, and we would keep our own retirement programs. Other than that the only things we had to worry about were personal and house hold items. I wasn't really worried about any of that stuff. What a way to end a happy, twenty-one year marriage.

I also asked if there was any way to hold Peterson, Inc. responsible for the destruction of my marriage but since Kendra volunteered there wasn't much I could do.

I gave him a retainer and asked that he draw up the paper work but I would take it from there. I would let him know if and when to file and I would give it to her myself if it came to that.

Yeah, in my own mind there was still an, if; although the two letter word was getting smaller and smaller. It was just so damn hard to let go. I was pretty sure my marriage was toast but in spite of the pain and anger, I still clung to the slightest bit of hope. I was looking for a miracle that would somehow make it all go away and give me my family back.

Maybe an alien would come down from space and zap us with a ray-gun that would erase the last couple of weeks—that's just about what it would take.

After I had come back down to earth I knew my only other real decision was when, before or after the holidays. I guessed waiting until after the holidays would be easier on the rest of the family, even though it would be harder on me having to put up with her infidelity for another two and half months. Oh well, maybe that miracle I was looking for would happen by then.

I did make one decision—I was going to move into Chad's bedroom. Between his and Doug's, his was the nicest. I thought about just telling Kendra that it's either me or her damn study but it didn't work if I had to force her. For there to be any chance for us at all, she would have to stop on her own. I had already given her several reasons to quit; moving into Chad's room would be one more. At the least it would prompt another discussion.

I wasted no time when I got home that night. Kendra was in the kitchen when I walked in but I went right upstairs to start moving things. She must have heard my footsteps going back and forth because she came up to investigate.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm moving into Chad's room."

"Why?"

"Because it just doesn't make sense to have you sleeping next to me every night and not being able to touch you."

"We can still cuddle, you know. I'd love to do that. I've wanted to snuggle every night but I've been waiting until you got over being so mad."

"Kendra, as I've told you several times now, along with the anger is pain. You are ripping out my heart with this thing. Would you want to snuggle with someone who did that to you?"

"Darin, I'm not trying to hurt you. I wish I could make you understand," she pleaded.

"And I wish I could make you understand. Whether you're trying to or not, you have hurt me—terribly, and you continue to hurt me every time you go to have sex with other men. I'm not lying to you; you must know that and yet you continue. I'm sorry but I really don't want to snuggle with someone who cares so little about me."

I continued moving my clothes from one room to the other. Kendra was still sitting on the bed crying every time I went back into our room. That got me thinking, it actually got me scared. There was a time if I had made her cry like that, I don't care how angry I was, I'd have my arms around her apologizing by now. But there she was bawling her eyes out and I had no desire to comfort her. Was it because I was just that angry or was I actually losing my love for her?

That night in bed I thought about it some more. It's not easy trying to sort through you own feelings when you're so damn conflicted. All I knew by the time I drifted off to sleep was that she needed to wake up and stop this because I didn't know how much longer I could cling to that thin thread of hope.

She didn't though. The next day, as much as I prayed she'd be there when I got home, she wasn't. So- I took a breath, got my shower and went over to Cheryl's.

I thought maybe Kendra would be all lovey-dovey over the weekend trying to show me how much she cared but she wasn't. I'm not sure what was in her mind. Maybe she thought she'd give me as much space as I needed and eventually things would go back to normal, maybe she'd already lost her love for me, I don't know but we were becoming two people who occupied the same house and not much more.

Things pretty much were in a holding pattern for the next month. Kendra and I barely spoke to one another. Three times a week she went to her clinic to get fucked and I went over to Cheryl's for the same reason. The thin thread to which I'd been clinging had disintegrated sometime during that month as well. I'm not sure of the exact moment but any hope I'd had of putting my marriage back together was completely gone. I had the papers in my briefcase and was just waiting till after the holidays. I really didn't want to ruin them for the rest of the family.

Our gatherings weren't quite as large as they used to be. It had been two years since my folks moved to Florida and two years before that, Kendra's dad lost his battle with cancer. Her parents lived in Michigan and used to come out and stay at our place for the whole Christmas--New Year's week. After her father's death, Kendra didn't like the idea of her mom being four hours away by car. She begged her mother to sell the house and move into an apartment close to us but she refused, so Kendra and I would take a drive up there and bring her back to stay with us from time to time and always for the holidays. Of course Doug and Chad got two weeks off from school so even with a few family members missing, it was still a nice get-together.

Christmas fell on a Wednesday so we had planned on picking her mother up the Sunday before. When Kendra came home from her fuck--fest that Friday night, she announced it would be the last one for two weeks. They were suspending the trial sessions during Christmas and New Year's weeks. I was under the impression the study would end mid-January but it was actually scheduled to go through till the end of the month.

Cheryl and I had already decided I wouldn't be over while my mother in law was in town and she had family she was spending the holidays with anyway, so it worked out perfectly.

I think the only time Kendra and I spoke during the car ride up to Michigan was when she told me to pull into the next gas station because she had to pee. Of course on the way back she and her mother talked. Several times they tried to pull me into the conversation but I only talked when I was directly spoken to.

In spite of everything, I enjoyed Christmas with the family. I actually forgot about my problems for periods of time on several occasions. For appearance purposes, I had to move all my stuff back into the master bedroom and sleep with Kendra. On a few occasions I'd feel her snuggle up to me in the middle of the night when she thought I was asleep. What the hell, it was Christmas. I let her snuggle.

Personally, I thought the show Kendra and I put on for the kids and her mother was pretty good. I was trying hard to be my usual jovial self and Kendra was doing the same. It was a couple nights after Christmas when Kendra's mom found me alone in the patio. Spring, summer, fall, and winter, I loved it out there. It was my sanctuary.

I was relenting with sadness to the fact that it would be the last holiday season I would spend with my family. My mind was a million miles away when I sensed movement to the side of me. I looked over and Kendra's mom was taking a seat.

"Mom, isn't it too cold out here for you?"

"Na; I have a sweater on under my coat. I'm fine, how about you. That little jacket can't be that warm."

"When I'm out here I don't even think about the cold, mom," I said with a smile.

"What do you think about, Darin? I'm asking because Kendra told me you were on board with this study thing she's doing but I see in your face that she was lying to me."

That was my mother in law, no beating around the bush and she wasn't afraid of confrontation. I loved that about her; she was nobody's fool. Kendra was a lot like her until recently.

"I wasn't aware you knew about it, mom. When did she tell you that?"

"As soon as she was confirmed as one of the guinea pigs."

"That was about two weeks before I even knew about it. She didn't tell me anything until the night before it started."

"Oh, honey, she blindsided you like that? That's terrible. You're obviously not okay with it then."

"Not even a little bit," I emphatically replied.

"Have you tried talking to her about it?"

"Until I was blue in the face, mom. I've told her on several occasions how she was tearing my heart out; she doesn't care. She pretty much told me she was going to do it whether I liked it or not. She even lied to me saying she couldn't back out because she signed a contract when she hadn't. To be honest with you, mom, I'm at the end of my rope."

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. What are your plans?"

I took the last swig of the beer I was drinking and looked over at her. "Let's just enjoy the rest of the holidays, mom. I really don't want to think about the future right now. I want to laugh and have a good time with you and the kids," I told her, trying to keep the despair out of my voice.

Mom just silently nodded her head. Her sad eyes told me she knew exactly what I was planning but I hoped it wouldn't spoil the rest of our time together.

The kids left early Saturday morning after New Year's. They also had a Three hour drive and wanted to relax and get situated before classes resumed that Monday. Kendra and I drove her mom back home that Sunday. She had tears in her eyes when she kissed us goodbye. I really hoped I could maintain a relationship with her after everything was over. I loved her like I loved my own mother.

On the way back home, Kendra was in a much better mood than she was during our last drive up there. I believe she thought things were getting better between us. "Thank you, Darin."

"For what?"

"You know what I mean. Everyone had such a good time."

"I didn't have anything to do with it. I wasn't even there when he was born."

She looked over at me and I could see she didn't get it. "You know...in the manger." I saw the light bulb go on.

"Ha, ha; I see you're also getting your corny sense of humor back," she snarked.

I didn't want her to get the wrong impression. I thought of spilling the beans but I wasn't sure how she would take it and I wasn't about to find out while trapped in the car with three and a half hours of driving still in front of me, so I thought I'd simply bring her back down to earth.

"Your mother and I talked one night last week."

"Oh, what about?"

"She came out to the patio when I was out there alone having a beer. She said she was surprised I was okay with the drug trial you were participating in. You lied to her. You informed her of it two weeks before I even knew anything about it and told her I was okay with it when you knew damn well I wouldn't be."

"Did you tell her that?"

"Of course I did. I think one of us lying to your mother is enough, don't you?"

She sighed. "I didn't really mean to lie to her, I just didn't want her worrying, that's all."

"Ah huh, plus you knew damn well what she'd say if you told her the truth."

"People who aren't in the profession just don't know how important studies like this are," she said, ending her sentence with another sigh. "Can we talk about something else, please? There's only two more weeks of the study left then this will all be over."

I didn't say anymore so there was silence for a good ten minutes before Kendra thought of a different subject. "Did you hear Chad talking about the new girl he's dating? I could tell by the way he talked that he really likes her."

If she wanted to talk about the kids I was more than willing. They were my favorite subject. We both stayed on topic for the whole way back home. We were actually still talking to each other when we walked into the house and I knew she thought the worst was behind us. Once again I was going to bring her back to reality. She was extremely disappointed when I started moving all my stuff back into the other bedroom again. She didn't say anything but I caught a glint of moisture in her eyes. A shiver went down my back. Serving her those papers was going to be the hardest thing I'd ever done.

The following day I called Cheryl from work. I asked how her holidays went and she told me she spent them with family. Both of her parents were still alive and in addition to her sister and brother in law, she also had a brother who made it home on leave from the Air Force. She asked me about mine and I told I enjoyed myself as well.

After some back and forth banter I was about to bring up the subject of sex but she beat me to it.

"Are we resuming our friend's with benefits relationship or..."

I detected a little nervousness in her voice when she asked. From the fact that she didn't finish her question and let hang like that I assumed she thought there was a good chance Kendra and I would get back together over the holidays.

"Well, I haven't had sex in two weeks. I'm about as horny as an old goat; how about you?" I heard her laugh and I could tell right away the tension had left her voice.

"I have just the thing for horny old goats," she joked.

I told her what time I'd be there and that night we continued our sexual relationship.

The last clinical study session was on Friday, February second. Several times over the prior two weeks, Kendra reminded me of that fact, always with the sound of joy in her voice, hoping that everything would be fine after that.