In The Name of Science

During that last week I called Bernie again from work. I asked if he could get me her last written testimony and interview. Not that it would have made much difference but I did want to see what she had to say before cutting her off at the knees.

That Friday night, Cheryl knew somehow that I would not really be in the mood for sex; woman's intuition I guess. She seemed to know before I did. She suggested we go out to dinner and just talk. Several subjects came up that night. She was extremely proud of her brother. Her eyes literally twinkled when she talked about him. She also loved her sister to death. Aside from being siblings they'd been best friends all their lives.

I of course bragged about my boys before the conversation turned to my marriage. It was a short walk down memory lane. Although Cheryl encouraged me to keep talking, I didn't want to bore her too much so I kept it at a minimum.

I got home that night just a little after ten. Kendra was still up. "I hope you told her this was your last time, Romeo."

"I hope you'll move everything back to our room tonight before you come to bed," she added when I didn't respond to her first statement.

"Not tonight," I replied. "I'm tired. I'm going to hit the sack. We'll talk about it tomorrow."

I heard her start to complain about not sleeping with her but I just climbed the stairs without saying another word, headed for Chad's room and closed the door behind me. I got undressed, crawled into bed and spent the night staring at the ceiling.

As the witching hour approached so did the pain and anger. It re-surged with as much intensity as it had originally. I was pissed at her for making me do what I had to do. There were at least a million reasons why she shouldn't have done what she did but what I kept coming back to was how little my feelings meant to her. If hurting me like that didn't stop her from doing something she wanted to do this time, they probably wouldn't stop her next time either. I'd be spending the rest of my life wondering what her next humanitarian crusade would be and how many guys it would involve her fucking.

I was hoping morning would never come but like a slowly moving cat stalking its prey, I saw light drifting in through the window and casting the faintest of shadows dancing on the opposite wall. I looked over at the clock and saw it was a little after six. God, I really wasn't looking forward to starting the day but I didn't see much point in lying in bed any longer. I threw on my robe and quietly made my way to the kitchen to start coffee. While waiting for it to brew, I thought of the information I asked Bernie to get for me. I really doubted he'd had time to send it that soon but I had nothing else to do so I thought I might as well check.

There it was--Kendra's final written statement plus a video of her interview. I wasn't really sure I wanted to open it but I was hurting so bad already, how much more harm could it do. I opened the written transcript first.

Name: Kendra Anderson Age: forty-two Marital Status: Married, twenty-one years. Occupation: Registered nurse.

Please tell us in your own words, what affects Beuticimiacin has had on your sexual experiences during this study...

As someone who has always gotten more pleasure emotionally than physically from sex, I knew I had to take part in this study as soon as I heard about it. Since I was a teenager I've read accounts of women who had such intense orgasms that they passed out from the physical pleasure. Never in my whole life had I experienced anything like that and I wanted to see if it was possible.

Let me first say yes, it is possible as you have already witnessed on several occasions. Beuticimiacin works! Physiologically, I have experienced more orgasms in the past three months than I have in my entire life and every one of them was ten times the usual intensity, but in addition there is a psychological aspect that is just as exciting, the desire for sex.

Since the physical pleasure is heightened to such a degree, the motivation and passion for more almost becomes a craving. I can guarantee, once this drug comes out on the market, 'Not tonight, honey, I've got a headache,' will be a thing of the past.

Well, it sure sounded like she enjoyed herself. I don't know what I was expecting; maybe something about how guilty she felt for doing the damn thing or how doing the trial negatively affected her marriage...something showing some remorse. I guess that was a long shot.

I saw the interview was ten minutes long so I poured myself a cup of coffee before opening it. After a couple sips I took a breath and clicked on the video icon. Listening to her excitement and the inflections in her voice on certain words made it harder to watch than to read. She said about the same as her written statement until the interviewer asked a question.

Interviewer: "Do you see any negative aspects to the drug, any side effects or feelings of depression?"

Kendra: "Not as long as the drug is available."

Interviewer: "I'm sorry, can you clarify that."

Kendra: "Yeah, as you know I'm a nurse. I have seen pharmaceutical companies time and time again keep raising prices on drugs even after the initial cost of research and development has long been paid for. The cost of Viagra for instance has more than doubled since it came out eighteen years ago. Most insurance companies won't cover it. They consider it a recreational drug. I'm sure it'll be the same with Beuticimiacin.

"If Physco raises their prices over time they could make it unaffordable to some who had been able to afford it previously. As I said in my statement, after taking the pill on a regular basis, even for a little while, the craving for sex becomes very prominent. If someone who was able to afford the drug for a while, all of a sudden couldn't any longer—yeah, I could see that causing a lot of women to become very depressed. After the first week of the study, I found myself desiring that sexual high more and more.

"To tell you the truth, I'm worried about going back and making love with my husband after this. I'm a strong person and I've been telling myself this whole time that I will go back to enjoying intimacy with him just like before this started, but to be honest, I'm going to have to fake it with him for a long time. Now that I have enjoyed the physical aspects so much, I'm worried that the emotional side of making love won't be enough anymore. I hope I will eventually get back to actually enjoying sex with him but at this point I don't even know if that will be possible, at least until Beuticimiacin hits the market."

That's what I thought. I even warned her of that when she first told me she was going to do this...well, at least she won't have to worry about it much longer, I thought.

I sat for almost an hour, sipping coffee and wondering if I was doing the right thing. It made no difference from what angle I approached the situation the result always came out the same. I glanced at the clock and saw it was a little after seven.

I wanted to tell the boys before I actually hit her with the divorce papers but knowing them they wouldn't be up until ten on a Saturday morning. Both Doug and Chad went to the same college. They tried to get a dorm room together but couldn't. They were in the same dorm though. Rather than have to talk to one then the other I was hoping to be able to get them both together so I sent Chad a text.

Chad, text me back when you get up. I need to talk to you and your brother but I want to do it when we can be alone. Dad.

I took another sip of coffee and with a sigh, wondered if I would hear from them before Kendra got up. She really wasn't much of an early riser on Saturdays either.

I had one more cup of java and enjoyed the next twenty minutes of alone time before deciding I might as well get cleaned up and dressed. I didn't want to disturb Kendra so before using the shower in the hall, I went to quietly shut our bedroom door. I noticed Kendra was sleeping on my side of the bed. I wondered if she'd been doing that the whole time.

Somehow, no matter how bad things were they always seemed to be just a little bit better after a nice long, steaming hot shower. I was back in Chad's bedroom getting dressed when I heard my phone ding with an incoming text.

Hi Dad, Doug and I are having breakfast at the restaurant. We'll wait for your call.

Wow, I looked at the clock; it was barely eight. I called him right away. They were in a booth with no one around so I asked them to put the phone on speaker. That way I could talk to both of them at the same time.

"I've got some bad news, boys. I'm going to present your mother with divorce papers today." There was a moment of silence before Chad spoke up.

"We figured it was something like that."

I was a little surprised at that. "You did?"

"Yeah, we could tell things weren't right between you and mom when we were there for Christmas. Doug and I talked about it on the way back. We both felt some tension between you two. I thought maybe it was just me but my younger bro here felt it too."

"I'm sorry, guys. I really thought we did pretty well trying to act normal. We didn't want to spoil the holidays for you guys," I told them.

"It was just little things, dad. You and mom didn't seem as relaxed with each other as usual and there wasn't as much laughing."

"So what'd mom do that was so bad that you're going to divorce her, dad?" I heard Doug ask.

"I, ah, I won't go into details, boys, but she made a decision to do something that was very hurtful to me. I asked her not to do it on several occasions but her mind was made up and my feelings didn't even come into play. It went on over a three month period. It's over now but the hurt is something I can't live with."

"Dad, are you telling us mom had an affair?"

"No, Chad, it wasn't an affair but..." I didn't know how to explain it to them. "Let's just say it was extremely painful for me and let it go at that."

There were several more moments of silence before I heard Doug.

"Okay, dad, but you know eventually it's going to come out."

"I know," I acknowledged. "I'm sure your mother will probably tell you when you talk to her but do me a favor, don't call her. I'm going to let her sleep as late as she wants then enjoy her breakfast before I give her the papers. I'm sure she'll call you to tell you what's happening but let her do the calling, okay?"

"Okay, dad," Chad responded. "When we talked on our way back from Christmas vacation we knew something was wrong but neither of us thought it would come to this. We're really sorry, dad."

"Thanks, guys," I replied. It struck me how much they'd grown; not just physically, that had been obvious for quite some time, but emotionally as well. They were adults. I smiled to myself and had to give a lot of the credit to my wife for being a great parent and a great partner in bringing them up.

We talked a little while longer then said goodbye. Okay, I thought, now that the boys knew there was nothing holding me back...except maybe my own regrets. On the way back downstairs for some breakfast I gently opened our bedroom door again. She was all cuddled into her pillow and looked so peaceful. She'd been such an integral part of me for over two decades; God, I was going to miss her.

Cooking for just myself gave me a lonely feeling. I usually cooked breakfast on Saturday mornings but rarely for just myself. When the kids were home there was always all kinds of activity around the kitchen table. Even when they were off to college Kendra would be in the kitchen, helping. It was depressing to look into the future, knowing this would be my new normal.

I had just finished eating and was at the sink rinsing the dishes when Kendra came in dressed in her flannel pajamas, wiping the sleep from her eyes. "You're up early," she said as she sat down at the table.

"Couldn't sleep," I replied. "Want some eggs and sausage?" I asked while pouring her a cup of coffee.

"Yes, please. Thank you," she said as I set the coffee down in front of her. "Can we sit down and talk a little later—after I take my shower. The last three months have been horrible. I know you didn't like what I was doing but it's over now and I want us back together again."

"Yeah, we'll talk."

"Good," she answered.

While I cooked her breakfast, Kendra sat quietly drinking coffee and staring into space with a faraway look. I was pretty sure she was going over the things she wanted to say at our talk.

She complimented me on my cooking skills before saying she was going upstairs for her shower and would be back down in about half an hour. When I heard the shower I went to the hall closet and pulled the papers from my briefcase then went back and sat at the kitchen table with a fresh cup of coffee to wait.

She looked a little nervous when she came back. She poured herself another cup of java and sat down on the opposite side of the table. "Darin, I..."

I held up my hand and stopped her right there. I didn't see any sense in letting her waste her breath.

"Kendra, hold on. Before you even get started, I have something to say." I slid the papers across the table in front of her. "This isn't easy for me, Kendra. In fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life but I want a divorce."

She stared at the paperwork like she was trying to start it on fire with her laser vision. When she finally looked back up at me she had tears in her eyes. "You...you don't love me anymore?" she said as sadly as I'd ever heard her speak.

"I still love you, Kendra, although maybe not as much as I did three months ago." I could see she was going to say something but I stopped her again. "The problem is...I don't think you love me anymore."

"Darin, that's not true," she blurted out.

"I think it is true."

"Darin, I didn't do that study to hurt you..."

"That's not the point, Kendra. The point is you continued with it even though you knew how much it did hurt me. You made it very clear to me that, that damn study was more important to you than me or my feelings."

Now she was starting to cry outright. "It was a chance to do something for humanity. That drug will have a positive effect on millions of women. I just wanted to be a part of it. It was a once in a life-time opportunity to contribute to society," she blubbered.

"Kendra, you contribute to society every time you go into work. You're the most compassionate, self-sacrificing, giving person I know. Every day you go into that hospital and help save lives, you help heal the sick, you comfort the dying, and console their loved ones. I've seen you come home weeping for a patient you can do nothing for and then go right back and do it all again the next day. Your calling in life is to unselfishly give to others, I get that, but it shouldn't be at the cost of me and your family. We should still come first, Kendra. I don't care how altruistic and noble you felt that study was, when you saw how much it was going to hurt me and affect our marriage you should have given up on the idea.

"How many times did I ask you to stop; even after you started it, I asked you continually not to go because it was killing me. Had you stopped somewhere along the way, even late in the study, I probably would not have done this but you didn't. You went all the way to the very last fuck session.

"Where was your compassion for me, Kendra? Why was I so far down on your list of noble causes? I could never hurt you like that, I don't care how magnanimous or virtuous the cause; not if it was going to hurt the most important person in my life."

She was crying so hard I wasn't sure she was hearing me but I had to get it off my chest.

"I believe somewhere down the line I took a back seat to your self-sacrifice for others."

"Darin, that's not true," she finally said.

"It's not? Kendra, look into my eyes."

She looked up at me.

"Can you see the heartbreak, the agony behind them? That anguish tells me it is true. That pain is going to be there for a very long time. I try to make it subside by thinking of other things but then I see you and it comes right back. As long as I live with you I will have to live with it and I don't think that's fair. I never did anything to you to warrant that kind of torture, Kendra."

"Darin, I...I'm so...so sorry," she sobbed.

"I believe you, Kendra, but it's too late for that now. The damage is done and I don't see any way of undoing it.

"What about counseling? We can try it," she pleaded.

I shook my head. "Kendra, no amount of counseling is going to make me forget that you've had sex with thirty-eight strange men over the last three months. Men who were able to give you much more pleasure than I ever will..."

"Darin, if that's what this is about..." she interrupted.

"No, Kendra, that's not what this is about. I told you what it's about, but knowing I will no longer be able to satisfy the woman I love certainly enters into it. I'm sorry, I really am but there's just no way I can continue in this marriage."

I waited a few minutes until some of the tears waned.

"Kendra, I think you need some time alone to go over the papers and get your thoughts together. It's all pretty straight forward; everything gets split down the middle. Selling the house will give us both a pretty good chunk of money to start out fresh. In the mean time we have about seven grand in the savings. I'm going to cash that out. We'll each take half. That'll give us both a little working capital to get an apartment."

"You have it all planned out don't you?" she sniveled.

"I've had three months to think things through, Kendra," I replied while standing. I've been doing some research on apartments in the area. There's a complex not far from the hospital I think you should look into. You like to swim and they have a nice indoor pool; the rent's not bad either."

"Is that where you're going to go?" she whimpered.

"No, I'm most likely going to get a place a Kennedy Park. The boys will still need a place to live during the summers and they have three bedroom apartments. They're not all that fancy but they're affordable. It'll suffice until the boys go out on their own."

I had to get out of the house. "I'm going to go close out our savings. I'll split it right down the middle and give you half. I'll be back in a little while."

It was no fun sitting there watching her cry like that. I know I must have looked and sounded like a cold fish to her; truth was I was dying inside but I didn't want to show weakness. If she saw my tears she would have mistaken them as an opening and tried her best to get me to change my mind. As badly as I was hurting, I was resolved in my decision and giving her any false hope would have been cruel.

I knew she wouldn't read the divorce decree. She'd use the time to call the kids and her mother, maybe my folks. I had called them myself and told them about the situation right after New Year's. They were also very sad but understood.

The night before, I had talked with Cheryl. It was no surprise to either of us when I told her it would be the last time we'd be together for a while. We had talked things out on several occasions. Even though I was divorcing Kendra, it didn't seem right to continue our relationship—at least not until the divorce was final.

I felt bad. We were both enjoying ourselves immensely. At first I felt like a hypocrite. I wouldn't stay celibate for three months during Kendra's drug induced fuck sessions but I was willing to go for six months until the divorce was final. I told Cheryl that and she pointed out the difference in situations.

I was really growing to like Cheryl a lot. She was smart, personable, pretty, and a human dynamo in bed. Yup, I was really going to miss her. I prayed that she'd want to pick up where we left off when the dust settled.