In The Name of Science

It took a while and who knows how many phone calls to friends and family but Kendra finally came around to the fact that our marriage was toast. We both used the same attorney, put the house up for sale, and moved into our own apartments. She did take my advice on where to live. Besides the pool it was within walking distance of the hospital.

Several times over the next few months I second guessed myself. Did I do the right thing? I was lonely and depressed. My birthday was coming up and I had no one to help celebrate it—did I even want to celebrate it?

I really was feeling sorry for myself when out of nowhere I was thrown a life-line. My phone rang so seldom when I was home I had almost forgotten what it sounded like. "Hello."

"Hey, handsome, how you doing?"

I hadn't talked to Cheryl in over three months. Her voice was like a warm breeze on cold morning.

"Cheryl, it's good to hear from you. How are you?"

"I asked you first," she quipped. "You don't sound too cheery. You're not sitting around that apartment feeling sorry for yourself, are you?"

I had to laugh. "Twenty-one years is not that easy to put in the rear view mirror," I replied.

"I know. I haven't called because I wanted to give you some time. Are you thinking of reconciling?"

"No, not at all. I just don't think I could do it. Even now, whenever I think about her having no concern for my feelings, it hurts."

"Well, in that case I'm taking you out for your birthday, Saturday night. Do you like plays?"

She really caught me off guard. I had no idea she even knew about it. "How did you know my birthday was coming up?"

"I tried looking you up on Facebook but couldn't find anything so I tried Kendra. She's not very active on it but she does have a page. She still lists you as her husband and has both your birthdays as well as the kids down there. So—do you like plays?"

I had forgotten all about that Facebook she set up. I wondered if she posted any pictures of the kids growing up. "Ah, yeah, I like plays; what are we going to see?"

"Never mind, it's a surprise. Wear a sport coat. I'll let you drive. I hate driving down town. You can pick me up here at six. Dinner reservations are at seven. If we're early we can sit at the bar."

"Cheryl, this is starting to sound like an expensive evening. You don't hav..."

"Quiet," she interjected. "This is my treat. I don't want to hear any more about it. Just pick me up Saturday at six and leave everything else to me."

We talked for a few more minutes before hanging up. As I disconnected from the call I swore I felt lighter. Certainly, I felt better than I had in months.

I actually had two more days before hitting forty-five and Cheryl's surprise date was another two days after that. I almost felt like a kid waiting for Christmas. It was nice having something to look forward to.

Thursday morning I heard my phone ding with an incoming text.

Hey, Dad, Happy Birthday from Doug and me. We'll call you tonight. Oh, and mom called to see if you still had the same phone number so you might get a call from her as well.

Oh well, I hadn't talked to Kendra since helping her move some furniture into her new apartment. That was right after we put the house up for sale three months prior. I guessed I could survive listening to her wish me a happy birthday. And I did. She must have had it coordinated with the boys because right after I hung up with them, she called. Just hearing her voice again brought back some of the pain from her betrayal. I think that was the moment I knew for sure that we could never be together again.

I found myself getting more and more excited as Saturday approached. Damn, you'd think I was a teenager going on his first date. I was actually nervous and I wasn't the only one. I could tell she was too.

In spite of us both being nervous, the evening went off without a hitch. She had obviously been paying attention during our pillow talk. She remembered I like Italian food so our first stop was Luigi's. I'd never been there but the food was excellent. I also notice the atmosphere—romantic, very romantic; candlelight on top of small, intimate, checkered table-clothed tables...the whole works.

Next we went to the theater. It used to be the Shubert but was bought out and now has initials for a name. The acronym notwithstanding, the new company completely refurbished the place and brought it back to its early twentieth century glory. We saw a wonderful play then headed across the street to Ma,Ma's for a piece of their famous, three inch tall pie and a cup of coffee. It was one of the most enjoyable nights I could remember and I really hated to see it end. It was around one in the morning when I escorted her to her door.

"Well," I started, a little embarrassed, "I know this is supposed to be the woman's line but I want to thank you for a wonderful evening."

"Don't mention it," she responded with a chuckle.

"I'm going to look up your birthday."

"Or you could just ask me."

"Okay, when is your birthday."

I couldn't tell if the bright glow I was seeing was from her porch light or her smile as she answered. "You've got some time to plan, mine's not until the fourth of September."

"September fourth, got it," I replied. "I now have that date indelibly etched into my mind so be prepared for a night you won't forget."

She didn't say anything at first, just smiled and rubbed her hand on my chest. "I...I want to invite you in but I won't. I think you might be tempted to take me up on it then regret it tomorrow. I respect your feelings about not sleeping with me until after the divorce. You're a good man, Darin, and I want you to stay that way. Now give me a kiss and say goodnight."

I did exactly that.

***

As spring blossomed into full bloom with warmer temperatures and chilly rains, I found myself with more mixed emotions. For almost my whole adult life, spring was simply a change of seasons in an otherwise constant state of happenings and circumstances. This spring was different. For the first time in twenty one years I wouldn't have my steady companion at my side. It was a lonely thought but thank God I would have my boys with me in a few more weeks.

As it turned out, that wasn't quite the case either. One Saturday morning I got a call from Chad about a month before they were due to come home for the summer.

"Hi dad."

I could always tell immediately when something was wrong. Even when they tried to hide it there was always that recognizable little inflection in their voices.

"Hi, Chad; is everything okay? You sound a little down."

I heard him chuckle. "Jesus, dad, how do you do that?"

"I know my boys, son. What's wrong?"

"Well, nothing's really wrong," he kind of stuttered. "It's just...I...ah...I've got something to tell you and I feel guilty."

"Guilty; about what?"

"I..."

I heard him sigh.

"Well, I won't get to see you over the summer."

I could feel my heart breaking all over again but didn't want to say anything until I knew what was going on. He took advantage of my silence and continued.

"You remember the girl I was talking about at Christmas, Cheyenne?"

"Yes, of course," I answered. I remembered Kendra telling me she thought he was serious about her from the way he was talking. I guess there are some things women pick up on quicker than men.

"Well," my oldest continued, "her dad owns a computer software company in Seattle and he's offered me a job for the summer."

"Seattle?" I was finding it very difficult to keep my composure.

"Yeah, sorry, dad; I know you're disappointed and I really feel guilty, especially because of your situation with mom but I've got to do this, dad."

"Of course you do, son," I said, having a hard time convincing myself I meant it. I knew I had to assure him I was okay with his decision but how was I going to keep the emotion from my voice? How was I going to keep from breaking down? I took a deep breath, told myself to man-up and just do it.

"Listen, son, you're an adult. Believe me I know that. I watched you grow into a fine man and I am extremely proud of the person you've become. As parents we know from the moment our children come into the world, the best we can do is love them, support them, teach them, and prepare them to go out on their own someday. I won't say it's not hard to let go but we all know from the moment you're born, that it's what being a parent is all about. Don't you worry about me; you go out there and show them what you're made of."

I was so proud of myself for not bursting out in tears during my little speech, then I heard Chad crying on the other end.

"Dad, I can only hope that when the time comes, I'm half the father you are," he sobbed.

"Son, you're going to be twice the father I am; speaking of which, it sounds like you must be pretty serious about this girl."

He took just a moment to get his emotions under control again. "Dad, I...I love her, I really love her. We're planning on getting married as soon as we graduate in a couple years."

Another shocker! I was going to need therapy after this phone call. I recognized immediately I was not losing him for the summer, this was it; I was losing him to a life of his own.

"Congratulations, son," I told him with pride. I thought back to the moment I knew I would marry Kendra and remembered how deliriously happy I was.

"Thanks, dad. Doug will still be spending the summer with you though. He wanted me to ask you if he could have my job at the dealership?"

The previous summer I had put Chad on the payroll in the shop. He did brake jobs, changed oil, busted tires, things like that. Now it was Doug's turn to fill in. I couldn't help but wonder how long before he took off and I was entirely on my own.

"Of course. You tell him it'll be waiting for him."

"That's great, dad, thanks; I know that'll make him happy."

We talked for just a few more minutes before hanging up. I wasn't kidding when I said I needed therapy after that call, or at least someone to talk to. I thought about calling Kendra. After all, we worked together for twenty years raising Chad to be a man. I knew she was looking forward to seeing the boys, too. Who better than her to commiserate with?

First, I needed a couple minutes to get my act together. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat back in my Lazy Boy. I wondered why life had to be so damn hard. Here my oldest son was in love, embarking on a career, and making a way for himself in the world. I should've been so happy for him...and I was--but I couldn't help feeling sorry for myself at the same time. I was ashamed of the selfish thoughts but I couldn't help it...Seattle?

I stretched out and closed my eyes to relax for a couple minutes before picking up my phone and hitting the speed dial.

"Well hi there, stranger." Just the sound of her voice made me feel a little better.

"Oh come on, it hasn't been that long," I replied.

"I guess not. It just seems like it."

"Well, I was just wondering what you're doing for dinner tonight? I was thinking dark, romantic lighting, a nice bottle of wine..."

"That's funny, I was just thinking I was in the mood for pizza tonight," she chuckled.

"We can do that too; Angelo's?"

"Sounds good to me," she answered. "Pick me up at seven?"

"I'll be there."

Angelo's was kind of a half restaurant—half pizzeria. They served quite a few items but was famous for their pizzas. We were shown to a nice booth for two and given menus. We settled for half pepperoni and half mushroom along with a couple of beers. We had a half hour wait before dinner arrived which gave us a great opportunity to talk.

"So how are things going, Darin? Any news on the home front?" Cheryl asked.

I knew she was talking about Kendra and the divorce but it was a great segue so I took advantage.

"No, not really. I almost called Kendra earlier but chickened out and decided I'd much rather spend time with you."

"Oh," she commented with a smile. "Just feeling lonely?"

"No," I answered with a chuckle. "I was expecting both my boys to spend the summer with me but I got a call from my oldest this morning."

I told her about the call and how hard it was to let go of my "little boy." She was very sympathetic and it felt good to talk about it but as I went on I noticed sadness in her face. At first I thought it was because of my situation but then it hit me; Tom had been killed before they had any kids. Here I was complaining about my oldest going off on his own and she'd probably give anything to have my problem. I felt like a real heel and realized how lucky I was. I stopped complaining immediately and shifted the conversation.

"Enough of my depressing rant; what about you? How have you been? What's going on in your life?"

Just then a middle-aged, Italian looking woman came over and set our pizza down. She pointed out the different seasonings and a shaker of Parmesan along the wall before leaving.

"Saved by the bell," Cheryl joked.

"Unless you want to burn the roof of your mouth, we have to let this cool down anyway. What's the matter?"

"Oh," she said not convincingly, "nothing's really the matter. I've just been in kind of a funk lately. Just a lot of little things all seem to be ganging up on me at once and I've had some things on my mind, nothing major."

"Anything I can help with? I'm a good listener if you need to talk."

"No, not right now," she replied. "If I can have a rain check though, I might take you up on your offer at a later date?"

"Anytime day or night, Cheryl.

When I got home that night I broke out another beer and flopped into my favorite chair again. Maybe, I thought, but it's not the right time. I'd had a few, but at some point I was going to have to examine my feelings for Cheryl. I had just left her and I was already missing her laughter, her wit, her conversation...I was missing her. Was I falling in love-or was I just lonely and simply needing someone to fill a void in my life?

That thought haunted me into the following week and was still preying on my mind as I was talking to Chad and Doug one evening. Whenever we talked they would put their phone on speaker so we could all chat together. Chad was doing most of the gabbing but I heard Doug in the background prodding him to say something.

"Tell him, Chad. We talked about this. We're not keeping any secrets from either of them, remember?"

"Okay, Chad," I interrupted. "What's going on? Tell me what?"

I heard him sigh just before Doug encouraged him again to go on.

"It...it just seems like every time you and I talk lately I'm giving you bad news, dad."

I thought, oh no, now what? I wondered if people ever ran out of feeling pain. I almost told him to keep it to himself, whatever it was, but of course I couldn't do that. "Son, I'm a big boy, what is it?"

"Have you talked to mom lately?"

"No, not since we moved out of the house. Why?"

"Well, she's...she's dating."

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised but I was. For a split second my mind went into a fog, then I realized Chad was still talking.

"Some doctor she works with," he said. "We talked to her last night. She still doesn't believe she did anything wrong but said she doesn't really blame you for not understanding. She's come to the conclusion that it takes someone in the field of medicine to understand how important things like that study are."

I didn't respond right away. I was wondering if I should point out what a load of crap that was but I didn't want to make it sound like I was trying and turn the kids against her. Before I decided what to say, Doug said it for me.

"Dad, she makes it sound like that whole study depended on whether she participated or not. I think she's going over the deep end, dad, I really do."

"Guys, the work your mom does is very important. Somewhere down the line it became more important than me. I don't think you can fault her for that. It's just the way she feels."

"Family comes first, dad--you taught us that," my oldest emphatically stated. "I remember when you had the chance to buy that repair shop in town. We all knew how much you wanted it but you said it was too much of a gamble. If you were only thinking of yourself you'd have done it in a heartbeat but you had a family to think about and passed on the deal. I was disappointed at the time because I thought it would be cool to have a dad who owned his own business but later I realized the sacrifice you made for us."

"Yeah," Doug broke in, "too bad mom didn't learn that lesson like we did."

God, I was proud of my two sons! "Okay, guys, enough mom bashing," I told them.

We talked for another ten or fifteen minutes before saying goodbye. I always felt good after talking to the kids. Maybe my marriage was a bust but those kids made everything worth it.

I grabbed a beer and lay back in my easy chair with an old copy of Dashiell Hammett's 'Red Harvest' that I'd picked up in the used book store near the shop. I got about half way through the first page when I thought about Kendra dating a doctor. I decided the lady in green and the man in gray would have to wait. I closed the paperback and picked up my phone.

***

I already had a booth by the window and saw Cheryl as she pulled up. She saw me watching her and gave me a big smile on the way in. As I would expect either of my sons to do, I stood as she approached and waited until she took a seat opposite me before I sat back down. God, she had a beautiful smile.

Our waitress was there with menus almost immediately. She gave us both coffee while we looked them over then took our orders and was gone.

"Wow," Cheryl said, "twice in one month. If I didn't know better I'd say you were trying to get into my pants," she joked.

I couldn't believe the opening she had just given me. I had to chuckle before responding. "Did it work?"

She looked a little confused. "Did what work?"

"I talked to my boys tonight. They told me their mother is dating some doctor." Cheryl didn't even bat an eye. I thought that was a little strange. "Evidently she's convinced herself that her next husband should be in the field of medicine." Still no reaction from Cheryl; I guess I was staring at her, waiting for her to say something but just then our waitress showed with our pie. We'd both eaten already so this was just dessert.

We had a couple bites before I resumed. "You don't seem too surprised that she's already dating," I mentioned.

She finished chewing before answering. "His name is James Ross. He's a neurologist."

Now I was the one surprised. "You know about it?" I blurted out.

"Darin, we're from the same neighborhood, remember? We have a lot of the same friends, so does Kendra. She calls Betty Wright all the time. You know the three most effective forms of communication, right; telegraph, telephone, and tell a Betty? Hell, the whole subdivision knows about your divorce."

She looked at me and waited for me to say something but I was so stunned I was speechless.

"Anyway," she continued, "they've been going out for a couple of months. He's divorced with three kids but his ex lives in North Carolina so he rarely gets to see them."

"Why didn't you say something?" I asked, finally finding my voice. "Did you know the last time we had dinner?"

"Actually I found out just before your birthday. Remember when I asked if you were thinking about reconciling? I was debating whether I should tell you then. If you had told me yes I'm pretty sure I would have told you because I thought it was information you should have before making a decision like that, but when you said no I thought what the hell. I knew you'd find out sooner or later and it wasn't really my job to tell you; besides, I didn't want you to think I was trying to get you back in my bed before you were ready."