Learning to Let Go

When she got back to the table, she asked Amy about her new boyfriend again and was genuinely pleased to see how happy she was. Her face lit up when she spoke about him and in the end the rest of the group complained and asked for the subject to move on.

They ordered some food and relaxed into their usual casual conversation. Around 10 pm, Rebecca started to say her goodbyes, she was meeting David's sister Claire for brunch the next morning before heading back to the Lake District for a week or so.

Once she had left, the others were pleased to conclude that she was showing signs of returning to herself but they were worried that the anniversary of David's death would set her back again. Jules was especially concerned, "As we all know, left to her own devices Bex would stay in the Lake District and never see anyone."

Steph added, "I can't even tell if she has grieved properly, she is so good at hiding her emotions. I'm just not sure that spending so much time alone is good for her."

The others agreed but this was a conversation that had been repeated many times over the past few months. In the end they were happy that she had joined them that evening and resolved to encourage her social instincts when she returned from the Lake District.

+++++

The impending anniversary of David's death was why Claire had wanted to meet with Rebecca. She knew that Rebecca had been hiding away for most of the year and wanted to check up on her. They had got on well since the day David introduced Rebecca to his family and Claire didn't want to lose that connection. She was aware that remaining friends with Rebecca may actually hinder her emotional recovery, not least because Claire looked so much like David. There was one topic of conversation that Claire really wasn't looking forward to but knew it had to be said before she lost her nerve.

"Although I am in no way rushing you, or expecting you to do anything right away, I do want you to know that I will understand if you start dating again. I can't expect you to burn a candle for David forever."

Rebecca was stunned into silence, she wasn't expecting this conversation at all and the subject hadn't even crossed her mind. She opened her mouth to reply but didn't know what to say. Seeing her discomfort, Claire rushed to reassure her, "Like I said, It's not like I'm anticipating anything but we, I wanted you to know that whenever you do decide to dip your toe, we will understand, love and support you."

"We? Are you the messenger from your parents?"

Claire looked a little embarrassed, "Yes, sorry, we discussed it a few weeks ago and they did ask me to pass on their blessing. They would love for you to visit them but they understand why it's hard for you. Look, let's not speak of it again, you'll know when the time is right and nothing more needs to be said."

When the conversation moved onto a more neutral topic, Rebecca relaxed once more and enjoyed her sister-in-law's stories about the children in her class -- a seemingly endless resource of merriment. Claire was a teacher in a primary school and she was made for the job.

After saying her goodbye's to Claire, Rebecca headed back to the flat to finish packing for a few days in the Lakes. When in the city she lived in a two bedroom apartment that overlooked the canal. She and David had bought it shortly after their wedding. In some respects she was lucky that they had not lived there together for too long, not many of their memories were tied up there.

It sometimes felt harder for her to be at the farmhouse without him. She had moved into the spare room as her room, although much bigger and more comfortable was too significant to her relationship with David for her to enjoy staying there. And now that she was alone, it made sense for the guest bedroom to be the bigger one, for Simon and Jules to use when they visited. She had contemplated selling the house to find somewhere that didn't constantly remind her of David but she loved the place too much and didn't want to forget about David, she just wanted to stop hurting.

She talked about what Claire had said with Jaime and Emma while she was away. She was in no way ready to meet someone but she was starting to feel the isolation a bit more. It was the little things she missed the most, simple physical contact, not sex but everyday contact, like watching a film with a cuddle on the sofa. She also missed having someone to come home to. After a long talk with Emma, Rebecca concluded that she was nowhere near ready to start dating but did resolve to join in with her friends more.

When she returned to the city she agreed to spend the week of the anniversary of David's death in Barcelona with Jules and Simon. She had come to realise that they had needed to grieve nearly as much as her and it wasn't fair to shut them out. Rebecca managed to keep it together for the first couple of days but the day of the anniversary was too much for her. She didn't come out of her room and didn't answer when Jules and Simon knocked on the door. They had anticipated this and set plans in action. Simon was dispatched to get some supplies for lunch.

Jules quietly let herself into Rebecca's room and found her asleep on the bed. She had obviously been crying a lot and her heart went out to her best friend. She was fully aware that none of them would ever be able to appreciate what Rebecca had been through in the past year but she was going to do what she could to help her friend. She got onto the bed next to Rebecca and pulled her into her embrace. She knew that Rebecca wasn't an overly affectionate person but also knew that hugs were magic. Rebecca didn't wake up but settled into the hug with a sigh.

A few hours later, Rebecca stirred and realised that Jules was there and in her maternal mode. She extracted herself from Jules' hug and went to the bathroom. When she went back to her room Jules was looking at her with her brow furrowed, "Morning Bex, can I get you anything? Tea, coffee, food -- another magic hug?"

Rebecca smiled at her best friend and sat down next to her, "No thanks, I'm all cried out for the moment and I don't think staying in here and moping will help. Where's Simon?"

"Next door, he has things for lunch if you are up to it."

"No, it's OK, I don't want to shut either of you out, you didn't have to stay in with me today -- I would've managed."

"We don't want you to manage, we want you to be happy. Today was always going to be difficult for you and we had contingency plans."

After lunch Jules decided to broach the subject of therapy again. Grief counselling had been suggested to Rebecca but she didn't feel comfortable talking to strangers. "Bex, do you want to try talking about it again, maybe it will help now."

"I'm still not sure sitting in a room with a stranger is going to make me feel any better, even if I can bring myself to say something. "

"Well how about this, we'll have a group therapy session, right now. You are comfortable with us and you can say as much or as little as you want, maybe we would all benefit."

"I wouldn't even know where to start."

They noted that this wasn't a no, so they were careful with the next move. Jules continued, "Let's try this. We'll get some wine and snacks, we can each start with saying something we miss about David, small or big. And Bex honey, you're not allowed to say 'Everything', I'm taking that as a given. I want specifics. I'll start -- I miss the way he deliberately wore odd socks, because he knew it annoyed your sense of order so much -- Simon?"

"I miss his jokes, I mean, I know I shouldn't, they were awful but I do miss them."

Jules continued, "I miss his cups of tea, he got the strength and milk just right every time." She looked expectantly at Rebecca and waited. Rebecca took a deep breath and said, "His smile, not his every day one, but my smile, the one I would see when I caught him looking at me." Tears were filling her eyes again and Jules handed her some tissues while she rubbed her back.

The group went silent again, and after a few minutes, so quietly the others barely heard it, Rebecca continued, "I miss feeling loved."

"Babes, we love you", Jules said, starting to cry herself.

"I know Jules, but that's not what I meant. Every day that I was with David, he did a million things to show that he loved me. Text messages when he knew I was in the library, love letters hidden in my luggage for me to find when I was away; stocking the fridge with my favourite chocolate when he knew I needed it, even though he hated chocolate in the fridge. Even when we were disagreeing there was never a point when I wasn't 100% sure that he loved me."

At this point Simon spoke up, "Isn't that a positive thing though Bex, I know that it is difficult but that fact that it was so clear he loved you, doesn't that help?"

"Sometimes, but it means I can't let go, no more than that, it means I don't want to let go. If I let go of that am I letting go of him?"

"Of course not. Trying to find yourself again and even maybe finding someone new doesn't and won't ever mean that your love for David wasn't real or that you are betraying his love in anyway. All of those things that he did to show you that he loved you, show me that he wouldn't want you to be like this, he would want you to be happy."

Jules smiled at her husband and continued, "You know what else I miss, Bex? You! I know that you have dealt with hell for the past year but we miss you. You seem to be a shell, you don't play music, row or cook anymore -- you're you but just not you."

"I've missed you guys too, I really have. I do want to get back to being me. Thank you for today. It has helped, more than I could say. I promise I'm not going to hide memories of David anymore. I can't say that I won't have my dark days and I'm sure I will be blindsided by something every now and then. But I will try to not close up when it happens."

That evening was the closest they had come to being a whole group again in a long time. There were more stories about David over dinner and into the evening.

The next morning, they visited Montserrat, just outside of Barcelona and treated to a breath taking view form the top of the mountain. On their way back down, Jules asked, "Why don't you think about getting a lodger Bex, so that there is someone around the flat?"

"Hmm, maybe. What's brought this on?"

"Just a thought, would make me feel better knowing that someone was there with you."

"Checking up on me and reporting back to you?" Rebecca asked with a smile.

"No." Jules answered with little conviction.

+++++

A few weeks later she got a message from Jules asking about lunch. Rebecca readily agreed and met her at her office. Jules launched straight into it, "Did you think any more about a lodger?"

"Yes, I think it could be good, why?"

"I think I've found someone -- I haven't said anything to them yet, I wanted to check with you. There is an Australian girl moving over to work here. She'll be in a hotel for the first couple of weeks. I haven't met her yet but was thinking I could see what she's like and then if I think it will work arrange a meeting with you.

"Wow, I mean, I guess so, I just wasn't expecting it to happen so quickly."

"I know and that's why I wanted to talk to you, to make sure you are happy with this"

"I think it's a good idea, and I trust your judgement. Can you tell her about David? Just so that it's in the open?

"Of course, if you want me to. I'll let you know how it goes."

+++++

Jules was responsible for Sarah's induction and liked her instantly. She didn't talk about Rebecca's flat right away, wanting to make sure she'd read Sarah correctly. Sarah was 5 ft 6 and was almost a picture perfect Australian girl, one you would find on adverts. Her skin was tanned and her long hair bleached from the sun. She had piercing green eyes and a kind face. She had large breasts for her frame but carried them well.

After a few days they went out for lunch and Jules decided to bring it up, "How's the hotel?"

"It's ok, but I need to find a place soon, living out of suitcases is no fun after a few days."

"Actually I may be able to help with that, I know someone with a spare room. Bex is my best friend, super brainy, tall and beautiful, I hate her really but hey ho. She's just finishing her PhD. I suggested she get a lodger as she's had a rough year or so and I think the company would do her good."

"Rough in what way, boy trouble?"

"Of sorts, her husband was killed in a hit and run accident just over a year ago. We were all at Uni together and unsurprisingly it hit her pretty hard, she's only just starting to come back to life."

"How awful, are you sure she wants a loud aussie living with her."

"I think it would take some getting used to, for both of you, but like I said it would be good for her. I just wanted to let you know in case you find her a bit cold to start with."

"OK, but there's something you should know and it may change things. I'm gay -- do you think she would have an issue with that?"

"No, not at all, I promise."

"How can you be so sure?"

"She's bisexual. I mean she was married to David but before him she'd dated women, so I can't see it being an issue at all. She's not exactly thinking about dating at the moment though so perhaps be discreet with your dates."

"Ha, chance would be a fine thing. So what now?"

"I told her that if I think you'll work, I'll play matchmaker and introduce you. Do you want to meet her?"

"That'd be great, thanks Jules."

Jules debriefed Rebecca and arranged to for Sarah to call round that Friday evening. When Rebecca opened the door and saw Sarah for the first time, she was surprised to feel a little stirring in her stomach that she hadn't expected, not full on attraction but almost like a thawing was beginning.

Rebecca showed Sarah the room explaining that Sarah would almost have full use of the bathroom due to the en-suite in Rebecca's room. "Usually the shower is fine but a couple of times a month I might want a bath but otherwise it's all yours."

Rebecca showed Sarah the rest of the flat and she was more than impressed. "This place is amazing, how can you afford it, Jules said you were a student." She then broke off and looked in horror at Rebecca, "Dammit have I put my foot in it already, was this paid for with life insurance money or something?

"No, don't panic. David and I bought this place shortly after we were married. I had some inheritance from my father and we wanted a place that would suit us before we started a family. It would be nice to share it with someone again. I also have a place in the Lake District near my family. I'm going there in a few weeks to try to crack my thesis finally, so if you do move in you'll have the place to yourself."

"That's cool and I think we can get rid of that 'if', I love your place and I feel like I've known you for years. Is it OK if I move in tomorrow, I'll go back to the hotel now to sort out my stuff and come over after breakfast?"

"That sounds great, I'll see you then."

When Sarah got back to the hotel she exhaled slowly, she hadn't realised just how much being around Rebecca had affected her. When she'd opened the door she was overawed with Rebecca's beauty. Sarah wasn't small so it was unusual to be towered over in such a way and it brought a little thrill.

Sarah arrived at 10 am on the dot the next morning, with a taxi full of cases and a couple of boxes. Rebecca helped her take her things into the spare room and let her unpack. Over the next few of weeks, the two got to know each other a bit more, finding that they really enjoyed each other's company. Even in the early stages of the friendship, having a lodger was exactly what Rebecca had been hoping for. Knowing that someone was going to be at the flat made it much easier to go home.

Rebecca had started going to the rowing club again, taking her boat out, enjoying the peacefulness she felt. One Sunday she arranged to meet Sarah for lunch after her session, suggesting they meet at the club. Having heard Jules and Simon rave about Rebecca's rowing, Sarah left early so that she could walk the towpath and watch. When she saw Rebecca it took her breath away, the power in her form was so evident and Sarah could feel the desire between her legs. Walking towards the boat house she saw Rebecca guide her boat to the bank and get out, putting the blades away. Her desire deepened as she saw Rebecca lean down and effortlessly lift the boat over her head to put on racks. It didn't help that Rebecca was wearing a one piece racing suit, that showed off her legs perfectly, and that it was rolled down to the waist revealing Rebecca's sports bra and perfect six pack. Rebecca looked up, saw Sarah, and broke into a smile, saying, "Hey, sorry, I'll just put this away and then grab a quick shower. Won't be long."

As Rebecca prepared to decamp to the Lakes to polish off her thesis she found herself thinking more and more about Sarah and came to the conclusion that some time apart would do her some good. She was nearly ready to admit to herself that she was attracted to Sarah but didn't know what to do about it.

While Rebecca was away, Sarah was consumed with thoughts of her. Although perfectly respectable she had been practically naked when she'd seen her rowing and Sarah couldn't get her out of her head. In particular the flex of her muscles as she picked up her boat made Sarah go weak at the knees.

With her thesis finished, Rebecca returned to the city. After getting it bound, she submitted the thesis and went home. She was having a celebratory lunch with Jules and Simon for the following day. As she walked back to the flat she remembered how supportive David had been of her studies, and the extravagant plans he'd promise her when she finally finished it. An overwhelming sense of loss consumed her, in a way she hadn't felt for weeks. Thinking it was also coupled with relief of finishing she hoped it would pass soon but decided to retreat to her bedroom until it did.

Sarah came home to what she thought was an empty flat. She had expected Rebecca to be there but assumed she was running late. She went to her room to get changed and on her way back, passing Rebecca's door she heard crying. She tapped on Rebecca's door and called out to her friend. When she didn't answer, Sarah quietly opened the door and saw Rebecca sitting on her bed, clearly having been crying for some time. "Can I get you anything? Tea? Wine? Ice cream? Do you want me to call Jules?"

"No no, I'll be fine, don't worry, I'll be out in a minute."

Sarah wasn't convinced but let her friend collect herself and went out to watch TV. When Rebecca joined her she didn't say anything and Sarah didn't want to pry, she assumed Rebecca had been thinking about David.

While continuing to watch the TV Sarah kept sneaking glances at Rebecca and could see that she was still very upset. In the end, she took matters into her own hands and pulled Rebecca into a hug. Rebecca tried to pull away but Sarah wasn't having any of it, "Look you don't have to tell me what's wrong but you can't deny that you're upset and when my friends are upset I'm going to comfort them, so just sit there and accept the hug, OK?"

Rebecca gave into her friend and leaned into the hug. Sarah continued, "Don't be afraid to ask for help. You don't need to go through whatever this is on your own."

Sarah leaned into the corner of the sofa and pulled Rebecca back with her. The taller woman settled into the embrace and tried to relax, having not been held like this in a long time. She snaked her arm around Sarah's waist and tucked her head into Sarah's shoulder. After a while her eyelids fluttered closed and she fell into a peaceful sleep. Sarah saw the tension release from her friend and fully understood how many barriers Rebecca had up during the day. Sleeping, she looked so vulnerable and Sarah wanted to protect her from any harm.