Old Neighbours Become New Friends

Veena loves the little jewellery shops, browsing through antique items and new artisan pieces with equal interest. I let my hand brush against hers several times, but it is only after we pass two women walking with their arms around each other that she shyly holds my hand briefly, dropping it when she thinks someone is looking at us. I want to tell her, 'This is Brighton, practically the gay capital of Britain; no one will mind us holding hands!' but I don't. No pressure, I remind myself.

I've just managed to take her hand again when a man's voice calls out "Raveena!" She lets go of my hand as if it burns her, and we turn to see a man heading towards us smiling. He has a handsome face, dusted with stubble and a cleft in his chin, tousled, dirty blond hair and dark blue eyes. His body is lean and well-muscled.

I glance at Veena, and after a moment's hesitation, her face lights up. "Colin!" she calls back He wraps her in a hug, kissing her cheek.

"Raveena, how are you doing? I haven't seen you since graduation. God, it's good to see you again; how did we lose contact so quickly? We were so close for three years at University and yet when you moved away we never spoke again. It's mad."

"Too busy starting new jobs, I guess. It's great to see you again. Oh, Colin, this is my friend Mattie. Mattie, this is Colin; we were on the same physiotherapy degree course at University and were in the same halls in our first and final years."

"Hello, Colin," I say, a little coolly, though I am trying not to be rude.

They fall to chatting again, smiling and laughing and I wonder how long they'll keep talking. It feels like being a child once more, out with Mum when she met a friend and they'd rabbit on and on, oblivious to my boredom until I started climbing or swinging on something, at which point I'd be reprimanded and Mum would say something like "Well, I must be getting along," and they'd start chattering again! I notice that Colin is holding Veena's hand, and a dark spike of jealousy stabs through me; she's never unselfconsciously held my hand like that.

I tune back into what Veena is saying and hear, "...have such a crush on you..." Did I hear that right? Was it 'I have' or 'I used to have' that she said? The way they're standing together: she fancies him, I'm sure of it. Isn't this what I thought would happen, that she'd suddenly meet some handsome guy and fall for him? And this Colin is an old friend she has or had a crush on... oh, fuck it! This is why they say not to get involved with bi-curious girls.

I cannot stand here any longer. "I'll see you at Starbucks," I mumble and turn away. A crowd of tourists, French students by the sound of their voices, jostle me as I push through them. I walk at random, not paying attention to where I'm going, upset and trying to make sure I don't start crying in public. How can this be happening? First Lisa, and then I give up on Roz, hurting her to be with Veena; now the first old flame that Veena meets and she goes all doe-eyed... it's not fair.

I'm not sure how long I wander -- twenty minutes, maybe twenty-five -- during which time my phone rings and beeps several times. However, in my simmering anger and frustration, I ignore it. Finally, as another beep signals the arrival of yet one more text message, Reluctantly, I take out my phone and check it. This latest message is from Veena, saying simply 'Mattie please where are you??' Where am I? I'm not sure. In fact, I think I'm lost. It's three minutes to one and we're supposed to be meeting at one in Starbucks. I send a text back saying just 'Meet you in Starbucks' then call up the Map application. Market Street is a bit of a walk but not actually too far and after a false start, heading in the wrong direction, I make my way there.

I'm ten minutes late reaching Starbucks and find them seated around a table with Em and Kay giving me hard stares, while Veena is looking sad and upset. Also sitting there is Colin. What the fuck? Is Veena really going to do this to me and dump me in front of Em and Kay? As soon as she sees me, Veena jumps up and comes towards me, apologising.

"Mattie, I'm sorry I was ignoring you talking to Colin. Why didn't you say something instead of walking off?" How do I respond, what should I say?

"Veena, what was I supposed to say? You're standing there falling in love with this guy," I gesture towards Colin, "all misty-eyed and infatuated, so what should I say, huh? 'Excuse me, but can I have this woman I thought was my girlfriend back please?' How about that?"

"Yes, that would have done, though maybe with a touch less sarcasm," says Veena, and I am momentarily lost for words. "Mattie, I am your girlfriend. I'm sorry you mistook my reaction to Colin, but it was such a surprise seeing him and we'd been really good, close friends at Uni."

"Um, you said you have a crush..." I say quietly and Veena rolls her eyes.

"Oh, for god's sake!" she sighs." You heard something then. I used to have a crush on Colin -- used to have -- for about the first term until he told me he's gay! I did tell you I knew gay men." I feel a hot flush of shame at my insecurity and childishness. "Mattie, I'm sorry that I'm struggling to tell people about us, about me. I wish so much that I had Colin's courage; that I could just come out and tell my friends that I love a woman the way Colin told me that he loved a man. I'm sorry."

"No, I should be more patient and understanding," I tell her, "and less jealous and insecure." I hear Emma's muttered "Too bloody right!" but it's Veena I focus on.

"No, Mattie, I understand what you've been through," she tells me as she stands and steps forward, her hands reaching to take mine. "I still don't know what I am, whether I'm gay or not, but I do want to be your girlfriend." She leans forward and, to my surprise given that we're stood in a quite busy café, she presses her mouth against mine in a firm, fearless kiss.

"Thank you, Veena," I whisper. "I want to be your girlfriend too, so much." We sit and I apologize to the others, especially to Colin who is actually quite amused, not only by my misplaced jealousy but that Raveena, 'Little Miss Straighter-than-Straight' as he calls her, has crossed over to the lesbian side! Veena looks bashful but agrees that at University she was certainly a hundred and ten per cent straight. I look at Em and Kay and see bewilderment in their faces.

Kayleigh leans over while Veena is saying something to Colin. "Mattie, you've got it bad for her, haven't you?" I nod. It's true, I do; I just hope that I don't drive her away by my jealousy.

We order coffees and pastries for lunch as we talk. I keep finding myself apologising to Veena, and realize she is doing the same when Kayleigh eventually exclaims, "Jesus! Will the two of you ever stop saying sorry to each other!"

Colin makes his apologies saying that he needs to go as he's meeting his partner, Liam. He and Veena exchange details and promise to keep in touch. "I'll let you know when I'm, erm, out I guess," Veena tells him. Colin promises not to say anything until then and Veena gives him a hug of thanks.

Things calm down and, as we finish our drinks, Emma insists that we must visit the Pier, so we all walk down towards the seafront. Kay and Em walk along happily hand in hand and this time Veena and I hold hands too; when my fingers first brush the back of her hand she looks at me smiling as she grasps my hand. "I love you, Mattie, I really do. Please never doubt that, even when I struggle to tell other people that I'm..."

"Bisexual?" I suggest gently, thinking this would be a fair description, but to my surprise, she frowns.

"I don't want to be bisexual," she answers seriously and a jolt of alarm and fear runs through me and Veena obviously sees this in my face and her grip on my hand tightens. "No, Mattie darling, just listen; I don't want to think of myself as bisexual because it sounds like I want to love both men and women and I don't... I just love you."

"Veena, thank you: that's such a fantastic thing to hear. Damn it, I want to kiss you so much now."

"Why don't you?" she asks. At first, I think she's teasing; we've just turned left onto the seafront heading towards the Pier and there are lots of people around us. Then, as she slows her walk, I see the look on her face and realize she's not kidding: she means it! We stop walking and draw close, our arms slipping around each other.

"I love you, Veena," I say as I bring my lips to hers and feel her respond. The kiss deepens and I close my eyes. I can hear footsteps and voices, cars and gulls and the distant susurration of the sea. I hear a wolf-whistle and laughter and a gruff male voice say, 'Ridiculous! And in public too!' I don't know if this comment is directed at us but Veena slips her hand through the hair at the back of my head and her tongue flicks across my lip. However, for some reason the comment makes me want to giggle and, moments later, I start. As soon as the first chuckles shake me, I feel Veena's mouth curl to a smile and she starts laughing too. "Sorry," I say still chuckling.

"Was it the 'ridiculous' or the 'in public too' that set you off?" she asks.

"Have you both finished?" Kayleigh's voice startles us.

"Yeah, I want to know if it's not too late to say 'Get a room!'" Emma calls out. Both of them are smiling. "Veena, for a girl who's not sure about coming out, that was very, er, out!" she adds.

"I guess I'm trying to push my boundaries," Veena says, suddenly a little shy.

"Good on you!" Kayleigh reaches out and puts a hand on her arm and giving a little stroke of support. "I think we'd better get moving, we're causing an obstruction." Sure enough, the four of us stood in the middle of the pavement mean that people are having difficulties getting past, particularly a woman pushing a double buggy with what look like twin boy toddlers. Veena and I link arms to follow Kay and Em as we resume our journey to the Pier.

As we walk Veena leans in to whisper, "Kissing back there, in public, turned me on so much!" I admit that I'm feeling pretty aroused too which makes Veena smile and tell me she wishes that we were at home where we could take advantage of our excitement.

I vaguely remember visiting the Pier as a child and I'm sure I didn't enjoy it as much then as I do this time. The rides are fun but terrifying: somehow being sped and flung around above the sea makes them even scarier. Naturally, it is being with Veena that really makes it better; the laughter and closeness and, of course, the kisses and hugs at any excuse and opportunity.

Later, the four of us stroll along the seafront and down onto the beach, feet slipping and sliding on the pebbles. Veena and Emma complain loudly: they are both wearing silly girly strappy sandals and the smaller pebbles slip into them, under their feet. Kay and I stomp smugly along in our much more practical sneakers. At the waterline, we throw pebbles into the sea and I try to teach the three of them how to skip stones. Veena manages it, though this might be because of my much more 'hands-on' method of showing her, much the same as that I used when teaching her to use a hammer. That's my defence when Em accuses me of using any excuse to cuddle up against Veena. As if I'd do that!

The shoe-smugness is rather reversed when an unexpectedly large wave catches the four of us. We retreat up the beach onto the promenade, Veena's and Em's strappy sandals quickly drying while Kay and I squelch along in our sodden sneakers. We all agree that it's time to head home, though perhaps stopping at a restaurant somewhere on the way.

Raveena's Diary

Monday 10 June

I woke up in Mattie's bed this morning -- we'd gone up to her flat when Em and Kay had dropped us off after we finally arrived back from Brighton. Being with Mattie was wonderful. We've agreed that we'd each keep some clothes, toothbrushes and the like in the other's flat to avoid the post-shower dashes up or down the stairs in bathrobes, like the one that Mattie had to undertake yesterday morning.

Despite this, making love when we woke up and showering together nearly made us both late. The fact that Mattie's shower is so good didn't exactly encourage a quick shower either!

I feel something changed yesterday. Coming out to Emma and Kayleigh was hard, but I was glad afterwards. I thought that it would help Mattie accept that I'm serious about loving her, which made her misunderstanding when Colin and I met in the street quite surprising, and her near-meltdown even more so. Actually, given her reactions to other incidents, maybe the response wasn't so surprising. Perhaps I have to recognise that there is something in Mattie -- an insecurity or fear of being hurt -- that I need to address.

I think I properly recognised that insecurity for the first time yesterday, and this was why I told her that I didn't want to call myself bisexual: I never want her to think that I want to love both men and women as the truth is that I only want to be with her. When she said she wanted to kiss me, there in the middle of the street, I saw a chance to prove I wasn't afraid to be her girlfriend. Kissing her in front of strangers, an unashamed lesbian kiss in public was wonderful and such a turn on -- my pussy was a complete gooey mess!

I wanted to speak to Vasanta this evening, but unfortunately, when I phoned, Roger told me she was out at a friend's -- another mum-to-be apparently.

Tuesday 11 June

I did it: I phoned little sister this evening. I copied Mattie's idea of using the loudspeaker so she could hear everything.

I began with the usual pleasantries and small talk. Vasanta and bump are still doing well, apart from the morning sickness, which is just as bad. Mum and Dad came over to see them on Sunday. Vasanta complained that she sometimes feels that Mum sees her as some kind of surrogate mother, just a walking womb, carrying her grandchild. She made me and Mattie laugh with that, Mattie burying her face in a cushion to muffle the sound. "It should be you, you know? You're the oldest so you should have the pressure of bearing the first grandchild; you let me down!" she complained and told me I needed to meet someone to give Mum something else to think about.

Mattie was looking intently. She mouthed 'I love you. You don't have to tell her." Somehow, that helped me. Keeping my voice casual, I mentioned that I might have met someone and Vasanta, naturally, immediately demanded to be told everything. "The person is a bit... unexpected," I told her.

She wanted to know in what way was this mysterious person 'unexpected. "Is he: Black? Chinese? Moslem? Martian? What?" I said that the person was maybe a bit more unexpected than that. "Why are you saying 'the person' instead of 'he'?" Vasanta asked, and then she worked it out. "Oh, Mattie, you're not batting for the other side are you?" she asked, using the old school slang for being gay or lesbian. "I bet it's that girl you keep talking about is it, Maddie?" I told her yes, it was Mattie, the woman I'd mentioned. She then asked if I'd been 'batting' with her, though at least she sounded embarrassed.

"What a question to ask!" I told her, shocked. However, seeing Maddie with her hand over mouth trying to muffle her laughter, I cannot help adding, "But since you ask: yes, I have; batting... and bowling too!" The sound of Vasanta's shocked exclamation meant that Maddie's hand wasn't enough and I caught a brief glimpse of her huge grin before she buried her face in a cushion, her shoulders shaking with laughter. "Well, you started it!" I told Vasanta.

Thing calmed down a bit, Vasanta saying that she couldn't quite believe that her oh-so-straight big sister was sleeping with a woman. I could imagine her shaking her head in the way she does when she's confused by something. She asked if I'd told Mum and Dad.

"No bloody way!" was my reply, pointing out that Mattie and I had only been a couple for ten days and that the idea of telling them was on the scary side of absolutely terrifying. Vasanta thought I was wrong and they'd be okay with me being gay. "Except for the lack of grandchildren, O fertile sister of mine!" I pointed out.

Vasanta thought that needn't be a problem either, that there were 'options,' unless Maddie didn't want children, of course. I suddenly wished Mattie couldn't hear all this.

I almost yelled her name at her. I nearly asked if she had been thinking about having kids less ten days after she and Roger started going out, but then I remembered her saying that they had discussed marriage two weeks after they first met; perhaps they had discussed kids too. I told her that it wasn't something I'd thought about, very conscious of the odd look on Mattie's face.

Vas then asked if she and Roger were going to be allowed to meet Mattie. I didn't even get the chance to answer before she was inviting Mattie and me to a barbecue on Saturday afternoon, so she can meet her and see us together. I checked, and she said it would be us and a couple of their friends, so I rather reluctantly agreed.

Immediately after the call, there was a slightly awkward silence. I apologised for my sister's children comment. Mattie smiled and said I didn't need to apologise, that my reply to Vasanta had been right and she'd have said the same. I don't know what she saw in my face but she took my hand and added, "But maybe one day we'll talk about it, hmm?" It was the 'hmm?' that caused a lump in my throat; the gentle question that at the same time suggested not only that she believed we had a future together, but that if children mattered to me, then they could matter to her too.

Mattie was a little concerned about the barbecue and whether this was all going a little fast for me. It is, a bit, but I'd rather have that than risk losing Mattie because of my lack of courage. Anyway, going to the barbecue with my girlfriend will be much less of a challenge than when it comes to telling Mum and Dad and, who knows, maybe Vas can offer some advice as to how I go about it.

Mattie

The day of the barbecue at Veena's sister's house is finally here. Poor Veena has been getting increasingly tense as the past week has gone on, so as I watch her sleeping, I haven't the heart to disturb her. She is beautiful. More than that, she is kind, loving, fun and, though she doesn't believe it, brave. She thinks because she feels fear, that she is a coward. She is wrong, of course; courage is never about not fearing but about doing the right thing even when you're scared. And she does this, time after time: she told me how she felt, rather than lose me to Roz; she came out to Kayleigh and Emma; on a busy street in Brighton she invited me to kiss her; she told her sister about us, although she was so nervous... Yes, she is brave, braver than me, I think. What do I do? I have meltdowns, I run away... I need my friends, particularly Veena, to patch me up and sort me out.

Today, she will be brave again, I know, and I shall be too. I will stand beside her, proudly, supporting her and loving her.

A little after midday, we arrive at Vasanta's and Roger's house. I've tried to help Veena by choosing my least masculine clothes: a short-sleeved checked shirt worn open over a white t-shirt and blue jeans. Veena, naturally, looks stunning and is wearing a sleeveless pale salmon summer dress that really suits her. As we approach, the front door I offer her my hand, the one not carrying the bag holding the bottle of wine and four-pack of beers. "I'll completely understand if you don't want to hold my hand, but it's there if you need it," I tell her. She nods, her lips pressed tight. "Veena, whatever you want to do, however you want to play this, it's okay. I won't get upset, I promise."